Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Lunch
1 Coop! Coop! Hey, there you are.
Hey, Katie.
Just trying to find an ending to my book.
Listen.
I'm not sure if you remember, but earlier this morning we said we'd talk later.
- Of course.
In episode two.
- About that thing I wanna tell you.
I'm dying to know what you were gonna say.
Great.
So, these last ten years Do you ever think about, you know, us? Like, what would have happened if we Katie, are you saying what I think you're saying? Well, if you're thinking that what I'm saying is what I'm saying, then yes, I'm thinking that what you're saying is what you're saying.
Katie these last ten years Coop! Coop! Ah! Oh, my God, Ginny! - Hey, you're here! You're here! - Yeah.
Kitty, this is Ganny.
I mean, um, Gatie, this is Kitty.
No, fuck! What I'm trying, and failing, to say, is Kathy, this is Gumpy.
Ah, fuck! - You guys What you're Ginny! - Ginny.
- Katie.
Hi.
- Hi.
Ginny Ginny, Katie, is my, um She's my You're my - Fiancée.
- Fiancée.
- Oh! Great! Congratulations.
- Thank you.
What are you doing here? What do you mean? I left you a message on your machine.
I was able to get off work after all.
Faison said he'd cover for me.
Oh! Faison came through? Oh, yeah, Faison knew how much I wanted to be here.
Then I guess Faison's not so bad after all.
You know what? I gotta go.
I gotta go meet that guy, Peter - Frampton.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, keep driving, asshole.
Uh, what about this guy? Is he gonna stop? Here we go, finally.
- Where you heading? - I'm headed south.
Hop in! Good afternoon.
What can I get you? Bowl of your chili.
How 'bout you, big boy? I'll have a Denver omelet and a side of your buns.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Give me that sugar.
Give me that sugar.
I'm giving you the sugar! How about some cream? No, here we go! Oh, shit! Good for you, man.
That was a hot piece of ass.
That's no way to talk about a lady.
Pull the truck over.
Have a nice life, my friend.
Where you headin', anyway? Somewhere you can't go.
Hello, old friend.
Hello? Anybody home? Who is it? Mitch? Hello, Gene.
So, yeah, um, then after dinner, we walked on the Hudson.
- Oh! - And he was just funny and cute.
I was like, "I'm never letting this guy go.
" - I'm just a sweetie.
What can I say? - Get a room! - Oh! - Walla-walla-hoo! Walla-walla-hey! Um what was that about? That's the call of Camp Firewood.
That's the spirit.
It's luck and serendipity.
Oh, yeah.
Coop told me about the spirit.
It's that totem thing, right? Uh Yeah, well, you know, there's more to the spirit.
They'll explain it to you.
That's cute.
No, it's a way of life and it's a philosophy.
Yeah, Ginny, it's like when you forget to set your alarm clock, but you wake up the next morning at the exact right time.
That's the spirit of Camp Firewood watching over you.
It's, like, if you've ever been lost in the dark and you're trying to find the bathroom, and you're scared, but then you look up and you see a sign, and the sign says "bathroom.
" You know, and there it is, like, that's the spirit of Camp Firewood.
Or you're worried you're late for a meeting because of traffic, but then somehow you make it on time.
- That's the spirit of Camp Firewood.
- That's right.
I had a girlfriend once who thought she was pregnant, but then she wasn't.
So, that's an example of that, too.
It's good luck.
It's the human spirit.
It's the most positive force on the planet.
Wow! That's so weird.
It's not weird, it's tradition.
Easy, now.
Okay, I think I get it, Katie.
- Do you? - Yeah, I do.
- You sure? - I'm pretty sure.
- Good.
- Yeah, it is good.
The theme for tonight's dance is an End-Summer Night's Dream, a clever play on A Midsummer Night's Dream that I came up with by myself last night before bed.
Now, you're gonna be standing by the door, greeting people as they come in.
So I really need you to embody the roles of Theseus, Hippolyta, Puck, and Bottom.
So get comfortable in that donkey mask, Rory.
I'm serious.
Oh, my God.
This is drama for beginners.
I used to teach this class with Ben.
I'm so sorry, this is a closed rehearsal - Susie, oh, my God! - Little Logan? What? - God, look at you! Oh - Come here.
Boys and girls, you are in the presence of a Camp Firewood living legend.
This is Susie.
This woman oversaw some of the greatest theater Camp Firewood has ever seen, okay? Pippin, Chorus Line, Fiddler, Electro-City.
Not just musicals.
How about Streetcar, Salesman, um Equus? I wanna say Godot, but we're still waiting on that one.
I'm teasing.
Susie, please say something! Teach these kids.
Let them bask in the glow of your words.
Sculpt their souls.
Logan, I couldn't.
We won't take no for an answer.
Right, kids? Okay, okay! If you insist.
So, if acting is movement, then Shakespeare is finding the time to move and making sure that the movement is truthful.
Iambic pentameter.
- Okay, everybody, stand up.
- Actually, don't.
Susie, we're 40 minutes into class.
They've warmed up.
- Oh, sorry, I - No, do your thing.
Do your thing, but we can't be jerking the kids around like this.
Okay? It's a little reckless.
Okay.
Um, well, you're already warmed up.
Why don't we get into pairs And then we're going to introduce ourselves to each other.
I'm sorry.
This sounds like some bastardized Meisner exercise.
We've been pulling more from Garibaldi's methods this summer.
Jesus Christ, you haven't changed.
Oh, no.
We're just pulling from our own experience to convey the truth of the character.
- My truth for my character - Sure, sure.
would be that I want you to back the flack off.
Okay, wow! That just happened, didn't it? What kind of bush-league power play are you trying to pull here? You get me up in front of these kids, and you try to show me up in my theater? It is not your theater.
That day has passed.
Everybody said you were an ambitious little prick, and I would say, "No, not Logan.
" And you've always been the most overrated director to grace these footlights, Susie! You remember the staging of your final scene of Kiss Me, Kate in 1979? So arch, so crass, so tacky.
So What was that word I was looking for? Regional.
I gave you the lead in that play! I did the best I could with the mess you made of it! Your performance was bloated.
It was obtuse.
You couldn't hold a tune.
You can't sing and you can't dance.
You want a little acting wisdom, kids? Get ready for talentless gatekeepers like this one to get in your way.
He's not your teacher.
He's a cautionary tale.
You guys want some other advice? This is what happens when needy girls with daddy issues move to Hollywood.
And then they come back to their summer camp and hope that everyone remembers them, and tells them how great they were ten years ago.
Because they know they'll never be as good as they were then.
- You disgust me! - You bore me! And scene.
That was a two-person improvisational acting exercise.
And Thank you, Logan, for And just to piggyback off of that, thank you, Susie.
Get the fuck out of my theater.
This will always be my theater, bitch.
Bye, you guys.
You are incredible, you know that? You had me.
I thought it was real the entire time.
And it turns out she went back to her maiden name, Murphy.
Which is why the agency had no record of her.
So you see, everything's totally fine.
- Why you laughing? - Nothing.
No, what? Well, of course that's what happened.
Ah, forget it.
Why don't we sit over there? No, Claire, what do you mean? You know, it's just that's how it always works in the movies.
They do some investigating, they find something suspicious.
And the hot nanny has a perfectly reasonable excuse for why it happened.
- It's textbook.
- Yeah, because she has nothing to hide.
She totally has something to hide.
You know, it's all part of her master plan.
Gives the parents a false sense of security, and it just gives her more time to tear their life apart.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
This is a circular conversation.
- Hey! - Hey, what's up? Hey, guys.
Grabbed a little grub from the kitchen.
Oh! Wait a minute.
Are those those Tigerclaw guys? Oh, yes.
They are buying Firewood from Beth - so our traditions will be preserved.
- Hey, guys! Hey! Oh, God, this place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Easy, now.
Remember the plan.
Play nice until we close the deal.
- Ah! I just wanna crack some skulls.
- Easy.
Easy, now.
They have no idea how bad we are gonna butt-fuck them when we take their camp away.
We're gonna fuck their butts from here to Timbuktu.
Here, let me throw them a bone.
Walla-walla-hoo! Walla-walla-hey! I love that! - Fun! - Fuck your butthole so strong.
What is this, ground-up Chihuahua? What happened to the food in this place? Gary, you used to cook food in this place, and if memory serves, it tasted like bunk-rot pilaf.
Oh! - Burn! - Lick my butt, Cooperberg.
'Cause I've been on the line chopping and blanching and sizzling and pickling for ten years! I can whip up a lunch with whatever they got in that mess hall that would make all of your taste buds do backflips.
Prove it.
- Yeah! Prove it.
- Yeah! Okay, I'll need a red wine to pair with the main course, uh, a white for dessert.
I'll need an egg timer, two serving platters Make it three.
And, um, a really nice table cloth.
Um, you know what? I can pick that stuff up.
Ben is gonna put the baby down for her nap, and we're low on diapers.
Kill two birds with one stone.
Wait, you know what? I just realized I want to tag along, also.
I need some stuff from the store, too.
You know, jelly remover for photo albums.
Oh, well, I could pick up whatever you need, McKinley.
What's the big deal, Renata? Why are you so dead set on me not coming with you? What are you trying to hide? I'm not trying to hide anything.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
Oh.
Then I guess we're both hamburger helpers this afternoon.
Oh, wait.
No, she was pregnant.
Oh, shit! Thank you so much for letting me interview you, Mr.
MacArthur.
General questions are fine, but we're not gonna discuss any upcoming projects, on or off the record.
Okay.
So, Garth MacArthur, if your life were a movie, what would the title be? If my life were a movie, what would the title be? Um That is such a good question.
If my life were a movie, it would be called Sitting Right in Front of You.
If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be? Trust your gut.
If it's right, you'll feel it in your soul.
The heart knows.
Garth Ga What would you say to the woman of your dreams? - Can you give us a minute? - "Can you give us a minute"? Sorry, I'm saying can you give us a minute? Oh! Yeah, sorry.
Don't you see, Susie? I can't play it cool any longer.
I can't get through a bloody interview without melting into your eyes.
Say you'll be mine.
But we always promised that we wouldn't let our relationship get in the way of our work.
I wanna work on a project with you called forever.
Don't you ask me to jump if you're not gonna be there to catch me.
Oh, I'll catch you and cradle you in my arms.
Make me the happiest man ever to walk this crazy planet some call Earth.
Be my girl.
- I'll be your girl.
- Oh! I can't believe it.
I love you, Susie.
I love you.
I do.
I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Ah! I wanna shout it from the mountaintops! I wanna sing it far and wide! Garth MacArthur loves Susie! - What are we doing? - I don't know.
Can I come back in? - Hey, Vic.
- Hey.
I didn't know you played the mouth organ.
- Oh, yeah, my uncle was in jail, so - Oh, gotcha.
So I just pull this out whenever I need to think.
Hmm.
You got something on your mind? As a matter of fact, I do.
Uh A person who is attending this reunion, who shall remain nameless, wants me to pork his wife, Donna.
So, yeah, I guess you could say I got a bit on my mind.
Whoa! - That is crazy.
- Yeah.
- Is it because you're a virgin? - What? No, I mean, is that part of the attraction? - No! - What? I'm sorry.
I just Are you kidding me? That's I took care of that when I was 14.
- Let me see it.
- What? Okay.
- Okay.
- Oh! Hands are cold.
Vic, come on.
Look at this thing.
It's pristine! It's pink and soft and fluffy.
It's like an angel food cake.
No, no, no.
It has to have miles on it, you know? There's no wear and tear.
It's got no crow's feet or anything.
I mean, it should look like Edward James Olmos, but it doesn't.
It looks like a newborn baby bird that's in my hand.
You know that just by looking at it? Oh oh, yeah.
And, you know, when Donna looks at this, - she's gonna know you're a virgin.
- She's gonna look at it? I mean, at 26, it should look like an old catcher's mitt.
Anyway Good luck to you.
- An old catcher's mitt? - Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Abby.
- I'll see you soon.
An old catcher's mitt.
Hey, think I'm gonna go check out the magazines.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You okay, McKinley? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
No, they just Yeah.
Yeah.
The So - Let's get out of here.
- Mm-hmm.
I call shotgun.
Ah! All right.
Uh, we are calling this culinary adventure "An Afternoon at Camp.
" I'm gonna start you off with a macaroni and cheese cooked two ways.
The first is a play on the classic American mac and cheese.
Then, over here, I have a deconstructed mac and cheese.
This is house-made macaroni.
Uh, four varietals of artisanal cheeses, a Humboldt Fog, a Roquefort, a Taleggio, and, for a bit of heat, a Spanish Manchego.
Ooh! Wow! Gary, I gotta say, this looks incredible.
Well, I really enjoyed preparing these bright, bold flavors for you today.
And, you know, my food is my heart, my heart is my food.
So, dig in.
Or, as they say in some parts of France, bonappétit.
That's French.
I knew.
Hey, um, how come you never mentioned Katie all those times you've told me about camp friends? I didn't? I'm sure I did.
Mm no.
You've mentioned Susie, Ben, McKinley, Victor, Neil, Abby, Gary, Andy, J.
J.
, Claire, Mark, Gene, Steve, Gail, Jeff, Claude, Rhonda, Yaron, Donna, Henry, and Blake, but never Katie.
Well, honestly, we didn't know each other that well.
Really? It looked like you guys were pretty friendly.
We're just close talkers.
I mean, is that illegal now? She's just some random girl that I went to summer camp with a long time ago.
We barely know each other.
What are you talking about? Coop and Katie were, like, the hot couple last day of '81.
But you knew that.
You must have known that.
- What? - Wait.
Are you kidding? No.
Being obsessed with Katie was Coop's defining character trait.
But it was a long time ago.
I wouldn't worry about it.
They kissed twice before she dumped him.
Excuse me.
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Are you sure you're okay with us telling everybody about us? Yes! Yes, tell the world, darling.
Send a, you know, what's the - A telegram? - A telegram.
Is there anything you can't do? It's gonna be one hell of a wedding.
Garth, you have a phone call in the infirmary.
- For me? - Yeah.
Here in the States, "You have a call" means the call is for you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, stay here, darling.
All right? Don't move Literally.
- I don't want you to move a muscle.
- Okay.
- Very still.
Motionless.
- All right.
Be right back.
- Claire, I really need to talk to you.
- What? You were right about everything.
Renata's a total psycho.
- I never said that.
- Claire, look at me! It's just like you warned.
She bought a knife.
She's dangerous.
We have to figure out what she's up to.
Are you sure? I'm 100% sure.
I've never been more sure of anything.
I need your help.
We're in this together now.
We are? What do you mean? In what? No matter how weird or awful things get, it's you and me, fifty-fifty.
Oh, I don't agree to that.
- Fifty-fifty.
- No.
- Claire, fifty-fifty.
- Absolutely not.
- Fifty-fifty! - Stop saying it.
- Claire.
- I will not agree.
Fifty-fifty! Gary, that was really good.
You should have your own restaurant.
I think you'd really pack 'em in.
Oof.
That's always been my dream, man.
My own place right on Union Square.
But how am I gonna make that happen? These other chefs, they go to the best culinary schools, they got all the right connections Ginny, what are you doing? I'm leaving.
If I go back now, I can maybe get back in time to let Faison off the hook.
Stop.
Faison's not gonna care one way or the other, and you know that.
You lied to me, Coop! "The hot couple"? The only reason that I didn't tell you about Katie before is because that's so far in the past.
I wanted to make things easier for you.
Besides, it was just one kiss.
Abby said it was two kisses! One, two, buckle my shoe.
Three, four, close the door.
Five, six, pick up sticks.
Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm sorry I wasn't truthful with you, Ginny.
Will you forgive me? Coop, you know I can't stay mad at you.
Come here.
- So you'll stay? - Are there any other camp flings I should know about? The only flings you need to worry about are the flings of the Frisbee when we all gather on the main lawn later this afternoon to play ultimate Frisbee.
I'm in.
Jesus, Gene.
What happened to you? Life.
Thanks, baby.
What do you want, Mitch? Can't you see I'm busy? You gotta come back to camp.
I left camp behind years ago when I was fired.
What did you expect would happen? You went rogue.
The menu would say grilled cheese and you'd make a taco.
Or the menu would say hamburgers and you'd make a taco.
Or the menu would say chicken soup and you'd make Tacos! I know what I did! And don't give me your holier-than-thou crap.
Beth cared about you even after you became a can, and how did you repay her? You sucked and fucked your way through every waitress in New England.
You have no idea what my life has been like.
Oh! Stop it! After the incident, I spent years in physical therapy, just learning how to walk.
I still can't type.
Don't you dare judge me.
And don't you dare judge me! Gene, I didn't come here to fight you.
Well, then I guess you came to the wrong Winnebago! Get a goddamn hold of yourself, Gene! I don't want you here, Mitch! Whatever it is you came for I have nothing for you.
You may hate my guts, but I know that you love Camp Firewood.
Now, are you gonna be part of the problem, or are you the solution? I'm in.
Thank God.
If we do this, we're gonna need some help.
I know just the guys.
Flying high in the dead of night Two passing ships Attracted by the strange eclipse Crash beneath the Ontario moon Oh, the Ontario moon Where the morning comes too soon We dare not speak its name, baby Oh, the Ontario moon Thanks so much.
We are Soul Glimmer.
Uh, that's our title track from our new EP, Ontario Moon.
We got a bucket of love going around, if y'all are so inclined.
Be inclined.
Thank you, much appreciated.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What the - Mitch? - Hello, gentlemen.
We could use your assistance.
Show me the fever Into the fire Taking it higher and higher Nothing to fear, it's only desire Taking it higher and higher
Hey, Katie.
Just trying to find an ending to my book.
Listen.
I'm not sure if you remember, but earlier this morning we said we'd talk later.
- Of course.
In episode two.
- About that thing I wanna tell you.
I'm dying to know what you were gonna say.
Great.
So, these last ten years Do you ever think about, you know, us? Like, what would have happened if we Katie, are you saying what I think you're saying? Well, if you're thinking that what I'm saying is what I'm saying, then yes, I'm thinking that what you're saying is what you're saying.
Katie these last ten years Coop! Coop! Ah! Oh, my God, Ginny! - Hey, you're here! You're here! - Yeah.
Kitty, this is Ganny.
I mean, um, Gatie, this is Kitty.
No, fuck! What I'm trying, and failing, to say, is Kathy, this is Gumpy.
Ah, fuck! - You guys What you're Ginny! - Ginny.
- Katie.
Hi.
- Hi.
Ginny Ginny, Katie, is my, um She's my You're my - Fiancée.
- Fiancée.
- Oh! Great! Congratulations.
- Thank you.
What are you doing here? What do you mean? I left you a message on your machine.
I was able to get off work after all.
Faison said he'd cover for me.
Oh! Faison came through? Oh, yeah, Faison knew how much I wanted to be here.
Then I guess Faison's not so bad after all.
You know what? I gotta go.
I gotta go meet that guy, Peter - Frampton.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, keep driving, asshole.
Uh, what about this guy? Is he gonna stop? Here we go, finally.
- Where you heading? - I'm headed south.
Hop in! Good afternoon.
What can I get you? Bowl of your chili.
How 'bout you, big boy? I'll have a Denver omelet and a side of your buns.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Give me that sugar.
Give me that sugar.
I'm giving you the sugar! How about some cream? No, here we go! Oh, shit! Good for you, man.
That was a hot piece of ass.
That's no way to talk about a lady.
Pull the truck over.
Have a nice life, my friend.
Where you headin', anyway? Somewhere you can't go.
Hello, old friend.
Hello? Anybody home? Who is it? Mitch? Hello, Gene.
So, yeah, um, then after dinner, we walked on the Hudson.
- Oh! - And he was just funny and cute.
I was like, "I'm never letting this guy go.
" - I'm just a sweetie.
What can I say? - Get a room! - Oh! - Walla-walla-hoo! Walla-walla-hey! Um what was that about? That's the call of Camp Firewood.
That's the spirit.
It's luck and serendipity.
Oh, yeah.
Coop told me about the spirit.
It's that totem thing, right? Uh Yeah, well, you know, there's more to the spirit.
They'll explain it to you.
That's cute.
No, it's a way of life and it's a philosophy.
Yeah, Ginny, it's like when you forget to set your alarm clock, but you wake up the next morning at the exact right time.
That's the spirit of Camp Firewood watching over you.
It's, like, if you've ever been lost in the dark and you're trying to find the bathroom, and you're scared, but then you look up and you see a sign, and the sign says "bathroom.
" You know, and there it is, like, that's the spirit of Camp Firewood.
Or you're worried you're late for a meeting because of traffic, but then somehow you make it on time.
- That's the spirit of Camp Firewood.
- That's right.
I had a girlfriend once who thought she was pregnant, but then she wasn't.
So, that's an example of that, too.
It's good luck.
It's the human spirit.
It's the most positive force on the planet.
Wow! That's so weird.
It's not weird, it's tradition.
Easy, now.
Okay, I think I get it, Katie.
- Do you? - Yeah, I do.
- You sure? - I'm pretty sure.
- Good.
- Yeah, it is good.
The theme for tonight's dance is an End-Summer Night's Dream, a clever play on A Midsummer Night's Dream that I came up with by myself last night before bed.
Now, you're gonna be standing by the door, greeting people as they come in.
So I really need you to embody the roles of Theseus, Hippolyta, Puck, and Bottom.
So get comfortable in that donkey mask, Rory.
I'm serious.
Oh, my God.
This is drama for beginners.
I used to teach this class with Ben.
I'm so sorry, this is a closed rehearsal - Susie, oh, my God! - Little Logan? What? - God, look at you! Oh - Come here.
Boys and girls, you are in the presence of a Camp Firewood living legend.
This is Susie.
This woman oversaw some of the greatest theater Camp Firewood has ever seen, okay? Pippin, Chorus Line, Fiddler, Electro-City.
Not just musicals.
How about Streetcar, Salesman, um Equus? I wanna say Godot, but we're still waiting on that one.
I'm teasing.
Susie, please say something! Teach these kids.
Let them bask in the glow of your words.
Sculpt their souls.
Logan, I couldn't.
We won't take no for an answer.
Right, kids? Okay, okay! If you insist.
So, if acting is movement, then Shakespeare is finding the time to move and making sure that the movement is truthful.
Iambic pentameter.
- Okay, everybody, stand up.
- Actually, don't.
Susie, we're 40 minutes into class.
They've warmed up.
- Oh, sorry, I - No, do your thing.
Do your thing, but we can't be jerking the kids around like this.
Okay? It's a little reckless.
Okay.
Um, well, you're already warmed up.
Why don't we get into pairs And then we're going to introduce ourselves to each other.
I'm sorry.
This sounds like some bastardized Meisner exercise.
We've been pulling more from Garibaldi's methods this summer.
Jesus Christ, you haven't changed.
Oh, no.
We're just pulling from our own experience to convey the truth of the character.
- My truth for my character - Sure, sure.
would be that I want you to back the flack off.
Okay, wow! That just happened, didn't it? What kind of bush-league power play are you trying to pull here? You get me up in front of these kids, and you try to show me up in my theater? It is not your theater.
That day has passed.
Everybody said you were an ambitious little prick, and I would say, "No, not Logan.
" And you've always been the most overrated director to grace these footlights, Susie! You remember the staging of your final scene of Kiss Me, Kate in 1979? So arch, so crass, so tacky.
So What was that word I was looking for? Regional.
I gave you the lead in that play! I did the best I could with the mess you made of it! Your performance was bloated.
It was obtuse.
You couldn't hold a tune.
You can't sing and you can't dance.
You want a little acting wisdom, kids? Get ready for talentless gatekeepers like this one to get in your way.
He's not your teacher.
He's a cautionary tale.
You guys want some other advice? This is what happens when needy girls with daddy issues move to Hollywood.
And then they come back to their summer camp and hope that everyone remembers them, and tells them how great they were ten years ago.
Because they know they'll never be as good as they were then.
- You disgust me! - You bore me! And scene.
That was a two-person improvisational acting exercise.
And Thank you, Logan, for And just to piggyback off of that, thank you, Susie.
Get the fuck out of my theater.
This will always be my theater, bitch.
Bye, you guys.
You are incredible, you know that? You had me.
I thought it was real the entire time.
And it turns out she went back to her maiden name, Murphy.
Which is why the agency had no record of her.
So you see, everything's totally fine.
- Why you laughing? - Nothing.
No, what? Well, of course that's what happened.
Ah, forget it.
Why don't we sit over there? No, Claire, what do you mean? You know, it's just that's how it always works in the movies.
They do some investigating, they find something suspicious.
And the hot nanny has a perfectly reasonable excuse for why it happened.
- It's textbook.
- Yeah, because she has nothing to hide.
She totally has something to hide.
You know, it's all part of her master plan.
Gives the parents a false sense of security, and it just gives her more time to tear their life apart.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
This is a circular conversation.
- Hey! - Hey, what's up? Hey, guys.
Grabbed a little grub from the kitchen.
Oh! Wait a minute.
Are those those Tigerclaw guys? Oh, yes.
They are buying Firewood from Beth - so our traditions will be preserved.
- Hey, guys! Hey! Oh, God, this place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Easy, now.
Remember the plan.
Play nice until we close the deal.
- Ah! I just wanna crack some skulls.
- Easy.
Easy, now.
They have no idea how bad we are gonna butt-fuck them when we take their camp away.
We're gonna fuck their butts from here to Timbuktu.
Here, let me throw them a bone.
Walla-walla-hoo! Walla-walla-hey! I love that! - Fun! - Fuck your butthole so strong.
What is this, ground-up Chihuahua? What happened to the food in this place? Gary, you used to cook food in this place, and if memory serves, it tasted like bunk-rot pilaf.
Oh! - Burn! - Lick my butt, Cooperberg.
'Cause I've been on the line chopping and blanching and sizzling and pickling for ten years! I can whip up a lunch with whatever they got in that mess hall that would make all of your taste buds do backflips.
Prove it.
- Yeah! Prove it.
- Yeah! Okay, I'll need a red wine to pair with the main course, uh, a white for dessert.
I'll need an egg timer, two serving platters Make it three.
And, um, a really nice table cloth.
Um, you know what? I can pick that stuff up.
Ben is gonna put the baby down for her nap, and we're low on diapers.
Kill two birds with one stone.
Wait, you know what? I just realized I want to tag along, also.
I need some stuff from the store, too.
You know, jelly remover for photo albums.
Oh, well, I could pick up whatever you need, McKinley.
What's the big deal, Renata? Why are you so dead set on me not coming with you? What are you trying to hide? I'm not trying to hide anything.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
Oh.
Then I guess we're both hamburger helpers this afternoon.
Oh, wait.
No, she was pregnant.
Oh, shit! Thank you so much for letting me interview you, Mr.
MacArthur.
General questions are fine, but we're not gonna discuss any upcoming projects, on or off the record.
Okay.
So, Garth MacArthur, if your life were a movie, what would the title be? If my life were a movie, what would the title be? Um That is such a good question.
If my life were a movie, it would be called Sitting Right in Front of You.
If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be? Trust your gut.
If it's right, you'll feel it in your soul.
The heart knows.
Garth Ga What would you say to the woman of your dreams? - Can you give us a minute? - "Can you give us a minute"? Sorry, I'm saying can you give us a minute? Oh! Yeah, sorry.
Don't you see, Susie? I can't play it cool any longer.
I can't get through a bloody interview without melting into your eyes.
Say you'll be mine.
But we always promised that we wouldn't let our relationship get in the way of our work.
I wanna work on a project with you called forever.
Don't you ask me to jump if you're not gonna be there to catch me.
Oh, I'll catch you and cradle you in my arms.
Make me the happiest man ever to walk this crazy planet some call Earth.
Be my girl.
- I'll be your girl.
- Oh! I can't believe it.
I love you, Susie.
I love you.
I do.
I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Ah! I wanna shout it from the mountaintops! I wanna sing it far and wide! Garth MacArthur loves Susie! - What are we doing? - I don't know.
Can I come back in? - Hey, Vic.
- Hey.
I didn't know you played the mouth organ.
- Oh, yeah, my uncle was in jail, so - Oh, gotcha.
So I just pull this out whenever I need to think.
Hmm.
You got something on your mind? As a matter of fact, I do.
Uh A person who is attending this reunion, who shall remain nameless, wants me to pork his wife, Donna.
So, yeah, I guess you could say I got a bit on my mind.
Whoa! - That is crazy.
- Yeah.
- Is it because you're a virgin? - What? No, I mean, is that part of the attraction? - No! - What? I'm sorry.
I just Are you kidding me? That's I took care of that when I was 14.
- Let me see it.
- What? Okay.
- Okay.
- Oh! Hands are cold.
Vic, come on.
Look at this thing.
It's pristine! It's pink and soft and fluffy.
It's like an angel food cake.
No, no, no.
It has to have miles on it, you know? There's no wear and tear.
It's got no crow's feet or anything.
I mean, it should look like Edward James Olmos, but it doesn't.
It looks like a newborn baby bird that's in my hand.
You know that just by looking at it? Oh oh, yeah.
And, you know, when Donna looks at this, - she's gonna know you're a virgin.
- She's gonna look at it? I mean, at 26, it should look like an old catcher's mitt.
Anyway Good luck to you.
- An old catcher's mitt? - Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Abby.
- I'll see you soon.
An old catcher's mitt.
Hey, think I'm gonna go check out the magazines.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You okay, McKinley? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
No, they just Yeah.
Yeah.
The So - Let's get out of here.
- Mm-hmm.
I call shotgun.
Ah! All right.
Uh, we are calling this culinary adventure "An Afternoon at Camp.
" I'm gonna start you off with a macaroni and cheese cooked two ways.
The first is a play on the classic American mac and cheese.
Then, over here, I have a deconstructed mac and cheese.
This is house-made macaroni.
Uh, four varietals of artisanal cheeses, a Humboldt Fog, a Roquefort, a Taleggio, and, for a bit of heat, a Spanish Manchego.
Ooh! Wow! Gary, I gotta say, this looks incredible.
Well, I really enjoyed preparing these bright, bold flavors for you today.
And, you know, my food is my heart, my heart is my food.
So, dig in.
Or, as they say in some parts of France, bonappétit.
That's French.
I knew.
Hey, um, how come you never mentioned Katie all those times you've told me about camp friends? I didn't? I'm sure I did.
Mm no.
You've mentioned Susie, Ben, McKinley, Victor, Neil, Abby, Gary, Andy, J.
J.
, Claire, Mark, Gene, Steve, Gail, Jeff, Claude, Rhonda, Yaron, Donna, Henry, and Blake, but never Katie.
Well, honestly, we didn't know each other that well.
Really? It looked like you guys were pretty friendly.
We're just close talkers.
I mean, is that illegal now? She's just some random girl that I went to summer camp with a long time ago.
We barely know each other.
What are you talking about? Coop and Katie were, like, the hot couple last day of '81.
But you knew that.
You must have known that.
- What? - Wait.
Are you kidding? No.
Being obsessed with Katie was Coop's defining character trait.
But it was a long time ago.
I wouldn't worry about it.
They kissed twice before she dumped him.
Excuse me.
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Are you sure you're okay with us telling everybody about us? Yes! Yes, tell the world, darling.
Send a, you know, what's the - A telegram? - A telegram.
Is there anything you can't do? It's gonna be one hell of a wedding.
Garth, you have a phone call in the infirmary.
- For me? - Yeah.
Here in the States, "You have a call" means the call is for you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, stay here, darling.
All right? Don't move Literally.
- I don't want you to move a muscle.
- Okay.
- Very still.
Motionless.
- All right.
Be right back.
- Claire, I really need to talk to you.
- What? You were right about everything.
Renata's a total psycho.
- I never said that.
- Claire, look at me! It's just like you warned.
She bought a knife.
She's dangerous.
We have to figure out what she's up to.
Are you sure? I'm 100% sure.
I've never been more sure of anything.
I need your help.
We're in this together now.
We are? What do you mean? In what? No matter how weird or awful things get, it's you and me, fifty-fifty.
Oh, I don't agree to that.
- Fifty-fifty.
- No.
- Claire, fifty-fifty.
- Absolutely not.
- Fifty-fifty! - Stop saying it.
- Claire.
- I will not agree.
Fifty-fifty! Gary, that was really good.
You should have your own restaurant.
I think you'd really pack 'em in.
Oof.
That's always been my dream, man.
My own place right on Union Square.
But how am I gonna make that happen? These other chefs, they go to the best culinary schools, they got all the right connections Ginny, what are you doing? I'm leaving.
If I go back now, I can maybe get back in time to let Faison off the hook.
Stop.
Faison's not gonna care one way or the other, and you know that.
You lied to me, Coop! "The hot couple"? The only reason that I didn't tell you about Katie before is because that's so far in the past.
I wanted to make things easier for you.
Besides, it was just one kiss.
Abby said it was two kisses! One, two, buckle my shoe.
Three, four, close the door.
Five, six, pick up sticks.
Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm sorry I wasn't truthful with you, Ginny.
Will you forgive me? Coop, you know I can't stay mad at you.
Come here.
- So you'll stay? - Are there any other camp flings I should know about? The only flings you need to worry about are the flings of the Frisbee when we all gather on the main lawn later this afternoon to play ultimate Frisbee.
I'm in.
Jesus, Gene.
What happened to you? Life.
Thanks, baby.
What do you want, Mitch? Can't you see I'm busy? You gotta come back to camp.
I left camp behind years ago when I was fired.
What did you expect would happen? You went rogue.
The menu would say grilled cheese and you'd make a taco.
Or the menu would say hamburgers and you'd make a taco.
Or the menu would say chicken soup and you'd make Tacos! I know what I did! And don't give me your holier-than-thou crap.
Beth cared about you even after you became a can, and how did you repay her? You sucked and fucked your way through every waitress in New England.
You have no idea what my life has been like.
Oh! Stop it! After the incident, I spent years in physical therapy, just learning how to walk.
I still can't type.
Don't you dare judge me.
And don't you dare judge me! Gene, I didn't come here to fight you.
Well, then I guess you came to the wrong Winnebago! Get a goddamn hold of yourself, Gene! I don't want you here, Mitch! Whatever it is you came for I have nothing for you.
You may hate my guts, but I know that you love Camp Firewood.
Now, are you gonna be part of the problem, or are you the solution? I'm in.
Thank God.
If we do this, we're gonna need some help.
I know just the guys.
Flying high in the dead of night Two passing ships Attracted by the strange eclipse Crash beneath the Ontario moon Oh, the Ontario moon Where the morning comes too soon We dare not speak its name, baby Oh, the Ontario moon Thanks so much.
We are Soul Glimmer.
Uh, that's our title track from our new EP, Ontario Moon.
We got a bucket of love going around, if y'all are so inclined.
Be inclined.
Thank you, much appreciated.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What the - Mitch? - Hello, gentlemen.
We could use your assistance.
Show me the fever Into the fire Taking it higher and higher Nothing to fear, it's only desire Taking it higher and higher