Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
King of Camp
1 [indistinct chatter.]
[gasps.]
Andy, look! King of Camp.
You used to win this every year, remember? [Andy.]
Yeah, eight years in a row.
- [J.
J.
.]
You ruled! - Ah, whatever.
Probably still a record.
Who cares? I certainly don't.
Holy shit! Look, it's the kid from the softball game.
[campers gasping and laughing.]
I'm sorry, mister.
I was aiming at the trash can next to you.
Maybe you should get your eyes checked.
Sounds like they're broken.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
Somethin'.
[speaking indistinctly.]
Hey! So you think you're King of Camp? Well, in my book, Charlie ain't nothing at all.
No chance.
Okay.
How about this? Fuck off, old man.
[campers.]
Ooh! Suck my balls.
[all gasping.]
I was King of Camp for eight years in a row.
And now you're just a pile of old bones with a shitty haircut and dumb-looking goat hoof stuck to your chin.
Well, I guess there's really only one way to settle this once and for all.
King of Camp challenge duel.
[all gasping.]
What the hell is that? There's a rarely used clause in the camp by-laws, section six, sub-section B, paragraph four, sub-paragraph D2.
It allows a former King of Camp to challenge the current King of Camp to a series of competitions, thereby deciding anew the King of Camp.
- I'm in.
- I'm in, too, as well.
Sounds like we're both in then.
[yelling.]
Sound the drums! - [campers clamoring.]
- [drums beating.]
[all screaming and cheering.]
King of Camp.
Here we Let's go! We are a civilized people.
But there is a time for civility and a time for combat.
[cheering.]
Ten minutes ago, a King of Camp challenge was invoked.
And now our mighty warriors will compete in a series of events using all the elements of the native spirits.
Air, water, wind, fire, light, snow, magma, vapor, plant and dirt.
The challenger, King of Camp from 1974 to 1981, Andy Fleckner.
[all cheering.]
And our current King of Camp crown holder, Jeremy Deegenstein! [all cheering.]
And the winner will be crowned King of Camp! And the spirit of Camp Firewood will pay him back tenfold in fabric and spices and beads and glory! Gentlemen.
Let's have a fair fight.
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
Walla-walla-hoo! [all.]
Walla-walla-hey! Kim-chu-ay! [all.]
Chu-ay! - Begin! - [all cheering.]
[Beth.]
Run, run, run! What are you even doing? Why are you here? Lunch ended, like, yesterday.
Iâm waiting for Garth, my boyfriend.
He had an important phone call.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Your boyfriend? [chortling.]
What's that supposed to mean? - What's what supposed to mean? - You chortled.
Just surprised you have a boyfriend, that's all.
You seem fairly unlovable to me.
- Fuck you, Logan! - Fuck yourself, Suze! It's cheaper.
- Not if I charge myself! - Can't hear you! [sighs.]
- Victor, how are you? - [Victor.]
Ow! - So, Victor, are you ready for it? - What? - [indistinctly.]
Are you ready to do it? - I'm What? He's asking if you think you're ready to do it? I donât know! Why is everybody putting so much pressure on me? I'm gonna be in the infirmary later tonight, waiting for you, if you [Yaron.]
Victor, no pressure.
It's not for to be nervous, and then [Donna.]
See you in the infirmary at 7:45.
- Was it something I said? - What? [indistinctly.]
Was it something I said? What is that? - I say, was it something I said? - I don't [grunts.]
Jeez, how long was I out? [Neil grunts.]
Ooh! That nap was incredible.
I really went for it.
Iâm soaking wet.
Vic, what's wrong? Yaron and Donna want me to shove a baby into her with my penis.
I think Yaron's got dry balls or something.
I don't know.
- Whoa! - But they don't know that I have never - Spit it out! - They don't know that I haven't had sex, or whatever you call it, Neil.
[sighs.]
Vic, this is it.
This is the moment.
This is a great opportunity for you to finally lose your V-card! - No, Neil.
Don't you get it? - What? My dick is all thumbs! It's got two left feet! It canât walk and chew gum at the same time! - Dicks aren't supposed to chew gum! - You don't know that! - I do, Vic! - You don't know my dick Listen to me.
If you really want to learn how to use your dick I will teach you.
[sniffling.]
Yeah? Uh yeah.
[whimpers.]
[chuckling.]
[both laughing.]
[Beth.]
The score is tied.
King of Camp event number five, dizzy bat.
[crowd cheering.]
- [Katie.]
Come on.
- [Coop.]
You got this.
[Seth.]
Egg on a spoon.
Go! Race carefully.
- You got this.
Yeah! - Come on, Andy.
Come on! - This is so fun.
- Come on, Andy! - God, isn't this like old times? - [chuckles.]
Yeah.
- Hey, Coop.
- Yeah - Can we talk for a sec? Privately? - Sure, Ginny, sure.
Okay.
So, Coop You know Iâm the kind of girl who would never give her man an ultimatum.
I know, and that's what's so Until now.
I don't want you hanging out with Katie anymore, okay? Um, and if you do Iâm going to have to seriously reconsider this relationship.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
[Katie.]
Come on, Andy! [McKinley.]
Come in here.
I have to show you something.
You've gotta see this knife that Renata bought.
It looks like it was made for gutting deer.
This is her bag.
I donât like the idea of rifling through someone else's stuff.
Claire, I need you.
Remember our deal, fifty-fifty.
- I never agreed to that.
- Fifty-fifty, Claire! - I never - [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
[Claire.]
She cut you out of all the photos.
Sheâs trying to cut me out of my own life.
We've gotta warn Ben.
[both gasp.]
[Neil.]
Okay, the first thing you need to do is just relax.
Where's the confident Victor Pulak that I've known my whole life? That man is a fraud, Neil.
A fake, freaking fraud.
You know what would boost your confidence? A new look.
Why donât you let me give you a makeover? A makeover? Do you know how to do that? What do you think I've been taking night classes at Barbizon for? To pass the time? So what do you say? - What do I say? - Yeah.
I say, let's do it.
Here we go! - And we're done.
How do you feel? - [sighs.]
Amazing.
If you think that's good, check this out.
Whoa! Those people at Barbizon don't fool around.
[laughs.]
Whoo! Yeah! Okay, here's the plan.
We'll find Ben, get the baby, and then get the hell out of here.
- Got it? - Yes, yes! Listen to me, you screw-up.
We only have one shot at this, okay? So when I say kill the baby at 2:00 p.
m.
, I mean kill the baby at 2:00 p.
m.
[gasps.]
Oh! [chuckling.]
Hi! Didn't see you guys standing there.
What did you hear me say? - [panting.]
Nothing.
I didn't hear - [stammering.]
- [Claire.]
Ear.
- We didn't hear anything.
- Had a fever, and - She had a fever, I have swimmer's ear.
[Claire stammering.]
- Run! - [screams.]
Okay, we gotta find Ben.
Split up.
We'll cover more ground.
Ben? Ben! Hello? Why's Mark's bag open? "Fuck book"? [Mark.]
Mandy, gulp! Didn't miss a drop.
Sandy, right in the eye.
Ha! How do I love thee? Connie, what a body on that little minx.
I swear, I'm like a one-man bukkake show.
Sandra, anal, check.
Chandra, fucked her so hard, her nose ring fell out and came Oh, hey.
What are you doing in here? What is this, Mark? Uh - A book.
- What's it doing in your luggage? I don't know, okay? Why are you grilling me all of a sudden? How could I be so stupid? God, I should've known.
And to think I was actually considering moving in with you.
You were never moving in with me, Claire.
All you care about is your stupid independence.
Well, did you ever think about what all that "independence" was doing to me? - Christ! - Ah, fuck! - [door slams shut.]
- Claire! [Deep Throat.]
Go to this address.
All your questions will be answered.
[doorbell rings.]
- Hi! - Hey.
How are ya? Sorry to bother you.
Listen, whatever youâre selling, weâre not interested.
- Iâm a journalist, please.
- Like I said, we're not interested.
Can we talk? I just [screaming.]
The thing is, I just need ten minutes of your time.
- Seven.
- Okay.
[campers cheering.]
[boy.]
Let's go! Okay! Each of you must make up a song about dinosaurs! Go! - [Deegs.]
Brontosaurus - [Andy.]
Where did you go - [Deegs.]
Stegosaurus - [Andy.]
My friends, dinosaurs Don't forget the pterodactyl Why did you leave me On the verge of extinction Everybody's doinâ the Dinosaur Stomp - [Andy.]
I shed a tear for you Dinosaur Stomp - Dino - Ooh [Beth.]
Point, Deegs! - Go! - [Seth.]
Let's go! [boy.]
Come on, Andy! Um, I'm gonna run back to the cabin to grab my sunblock.
- Okay.
- So Oh.
Listen, Ginny, I heard you, and I totally respect what you had to say.
- I won't talk to Katie.
- Thanks, Coop.
- Boop.
- [chuckles.]
- Hey, Coop.
- Hey, Katie! I was wondering if we could talk.
Oh! Um [grunts.]
See, Ginny feels really weird about us, and I'm not supposed to talk to you.
- I'm sure you can understand.
- Oh, I see.
Okay, so we won't talk.
- Okay.
- And I won't be at the goat barn in exactly one hour.
Just to be clear.
Does "I won't" mean "I will"? No, it doesn't.
Just purely for logistical purposes, you're just saying, "Meet me in an hour at the goat barn," and you're saying it in a weird way 'cause you don't want me to have to say to Ginny that we talked.
No, I'm "not.
" - Please.
- Thank you.
Hello.
- I think I know why you're here.
- Why am I here? - It's about him, isn't it? - Him who? Hello? - Hi, hon.
- Who's this? Who are you? - I'm a journalist - She's a journalist - from the media.
- News.
Um, would you excuse us for just a second? - Thanks.
- Of course.
[Mikey whispering.]
I'm sorry.
[whispering.]
What did I tell you right before I left? I said Would you like a wafer? Bathroom.
Oh, God.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? You do.
[softly.]
I do.
We've got to tell somebody.
He will kill us.
He will kill her, too.
[both whispering.]
[Darla clears throat.]
I'm afraid we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Could I use the bathroom before I go? - No.
But I really have to, uh [clears throat.]
take a bath.
[sighs.]
All right.
Make it quick.
[water running.]
[grunting.]
[pottery shattering.]
[sighs.]
Camp Firewood? [sighs.]
Oh, my God.
Ronald Reagan went to Camp Firewood? You need to tell me everything.
- Garth? - Darling! There you are! I thought you were coming back to the dining hall after your phone call.
I was just about to come and find you.
I've just had the most amazing news.
Billy Baldwin has dropped out of The Neptune Effect.
- They want me to jump in! - What? $35 million budget.
Top-line talent.
It's going to win technical awards for sure.
Yeah, my people think this could put me into the next tier.
- Wow! Iâm so happy for you.
- Mmm.
- For us.
- Yeah, well, that's the thing, Suze.
It's shooting in Budapest, of all places, for eight months, and I've got to go now.
But what about you and me? You know I think youâre fantastic, Suze.
But you want me to turn this down? It's a massive opportunity.
- Let me come with you.
- Theyâve already bought the ticket, so we wouldnât even get seats together at this point.
I can sneak in your suitcase.
[Chuckles.]
- You're simply too big, darling.
- Garth Are you breaking up with me? Susie Susie! But what about our movie? What about By the Grace of God and Ever After? [chuckling.]
Oh, you funny little thing, I thought you understood.
Iâm an action movie star now.
I'm done with the festival fare.
I'm sure you'll get someone good.
It's a great role.
[whimpering.]
You said I'm your muse.
Oh, darling, you were.
[crying.]
Come on, donât let me leave like this.
Give us a smile.
[sobbing.]
There she is.
All right, cheerio, love.
[campers screaming playfully.]
[Seth.]
Go, Deegy! Hot pepper chow down! Go! [all chanting.]
Peppers! Peppers! Peppers! [both grunting.]
[chanting continues.]
[crying.]
[both screaming.]
Okay, we're gonna pretend that this mattress is a woman.
Okay.
- Get in there.
- Is this her front? Yup, her head's at this end.
Just like normal sex.
- Good to know that that's normal sex.
- Just jump right in there.
[stuttering.]
You're not Let me show you a couple things.
First, see how I'm entering her.
Scoop-a-doop.
Scoop-a-doop.
- Yup.
- I'm gonna put it in.
All right.
All right Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slower.
Slower! Vic! I didn't mean to scare you.
- That's it, good.
Look into her eyes.
- Hi.
- Don't say hi.
- Goodbye, goodbye.
- Don't say hello or goodbye.
- Forget what I said.
Okay, don't You look like you're gonna throw up.
Try smiling.
Okay, don't do that.
Pretend like you're in line at the bank or something.
All right, you got it.
[both grunting.]
You're doing it! You're doing it, Vic! You're really doing it! - [Victor.]
Hi.
- Stop saying hi.
- Good! Way to go, buddy.
- [laughs.]
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! [both laughing.]
- Yeah! - Donna's not gonna know what hit her.
- [Ben.]
McKinley! McKinley! - Ben.
- I'm at the horse stable.
- The horse stable.
The horse stable.
McKinley.
Ben, thank God.
There you are.
I was right.
Renata's a lying bitch.
No.
McKinley, calm down.
No, don't fucking tell me to calm down! She's a fucking bloodthirsty, murderous, bitch-ass psycho! What? Surprise.
- [campers.]
Surprise.
- [Arty.]
Surprise.
Surprise.
Renata organized a surprise wedding anniversary for you.
For us.
No, no, Ben.
She's got a knife.
For this cake I made you.
Carrot cake.
Your favorite.
No, no.
You cut me out of the photos.
For the memory collage.
I had enough of Ben.
I needed a few more of you.
No, Ben, listen to me.
I heard you on the phone.
She said, "Kill the baby at 2:00 p.
m.
" Kill the Baby is a popular swing band from Asheville, North Carolina.
Ben told me you loved swing music.
Hey everyone, we're Kill the Baby.
This is our hit song, "Jumpin' Jambalaya.
" I do love swing music.
[band playing swing music.]
Staring at me with eyes of fire Talking truth but you're a liar They are very good.
You just want my jambalaya - [Renata grunting.]
- He just wants my jambalaya She just wants my jambalaya Got that heat that mouths desire People love my jambalaya Catch that heat that feet require Happy tenth anniversary.
It's a candlestick from your favorite place.
[sighs.]
I thought we weren't doing gifts.
And I thought I didn't marry a paranoid asshole! He just wants my jambalaya She just wants my jambalaya Got that heat that mouths desire Jumpin', jumpin' jambalaya It comes down to this, the final event, Man on Fire.
Each of our combatants will be lit on fire and they will walk as fast as they can before being overcome by flames.
As the score is tied, whoever wins this will be crowned King of Camp.
- [campers cheering.]
- Begin! - [Deegs.]
Oh, God! - [Andy.]
Shit! Shit! - Fuck! - Hot! Hot! Oh, my God! [both groaning.]
- [Andy.]
Flaming hot! - Fuck, fuck, fuck! [Andy.]
Put it out! Put it out! Deegs! Deegs, you won! [campers cheering.]
[chanting.]
King of Camp! King of Camp! [both whooping.]
[Deegs.]
Let's go! - Suck it, old man! Let's go! - On fire like a big D.
[voices echoing.]
I wish there was something I could do, but there's literally nothing.
You know what happens now.
- [all chanting.]
Loser! Loser! Loser! - Ow! [chanting continues.]
[Andy grunting.]
This is total bull jizz! I should've won.
Yeah, why don't you go cry in your bunk about it? - [laughing.]
- Whoa! [both scoffing.]
[Deegs and Seth laughing.]
Idiot.
So, Beth, we just need you to put your John Hancock here and here.
Oh, you know what? I've been meaning to give you something for ten years.
Remember these? From that night you came to destroy the camp? But you didn't.
Instead, you saved us from Ronald Reagan.
'Cause love triumphs over evil every time.
- Anywhozzle, I'm just gonna sign - Actually, before you sign I'd like to have our lawyer take a look at the eminent domain clause.
What? We need to make sure this is done properly.
I have a plan.
Just bring Reagan to the bunker.
What the hell is he doing? - [swing music continues playing.]
- [all cheering.]
- Hi.
- Renata I I donât know what to say.
I am so sorry I misjudged you.
It's hard being a new parent.
I get it.
- Will you accept my apology? - Of course I will, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Come here, you.
Oh! [Renata.]
Mmm! - I have a secret to tell you.
- What's that? You were right about me.
You fell right into my trap.
I made you look insane.
And now, no matter what I do, no one will believe you.
What do you want from me? Everything.
- Oh, Renata, Ashley's waking up.
- Be right there, Ben.
She's crazy.
["Speak" by Shudder To Think plays.]
Speak in time Make time for me Speak in time Make time for me I put a dime into a well To wish for diamonds When I fell I saw you laughing down
[gasps.]
Andy, look! King of Camp.
You used to win this every year, remember? [Andy.]
Yeah, eight years in a row.
- [J.
J.
.]
You ruled! - Ah, whatever.
Probably still a record.
Who cares? I certainly don't.
Holy shit! Look, it's the kid from the softball game.
[campers gasping and laughing.]
I'm sorry, mister.
I was aiming at the trash can next to you.
Maybe you should get your eyes checked.
Sounds like they're broken.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
Somethin'.
[speaking indistinctly.]
Hey! So you think you're King of Camp? Well, in my book, Charlie ain't nothing at all.
No chance.
Okay.
How about this? Fuck off, old man.
[campers.]
Ooh! Suck my balls.
[all gasping.]
I was King of Camp for eight years in a row.
And now you're just a pile of old bones with a shitty haircut and dumb-looking goat hoof stuck to your chin.
Well, I guess there's really only one way to settle this once and for all.
King of Camp challenge duel.
[all gasping.]
What the hell is that? There's a rarely used clause in the camp by-laws, section six, sub-section B, paragraph four, sub-paragraph D2.
It allows a former King of Camp to challenge the current King of Camp to a series of competitions, thereby deciding anew the King of Camp.
- I'm in.
- I'm in, too, as well.
Sounds like we're both in then.
[yelling.]
Sound the drums! - [campers clamoring.]
- [drums beating.]
[all screaming and cheering.]
King of Camp.
Here we Let's go! We are a civilized people.
But there is a time for civility and a time for combat.
[cheering.]
Ten minutes ago, a King of Camp challenge was invoked.
And now our mighty warriors will compete in a series of events using all the elements of the native spirits.
Air, water, wind, fire, light, snow, magma, vapor, plant and dirt.
The challenger, King of Camp from 1974 to 1981, Andy Fleckner.
[all cheering.]
And our current King of Camp crown holder, Jeremy Deegenstein! [all cheering.]
And the winner will be crowned King of Camp! And the spirit of Camp Firewood will pay him back tenfold in fabric and spices and beads and glory! Gentlemen.
Let's have a fair fight.
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
Walla-walla-hoo! [all.]
Walla-walla-hey! Kim-chu-ay! [all.]
Chu-ay! - Begin! - [all cheering.]
[Beth.]
Run, run, run! What are you even doing? Why are you here? Lunch ended, like, yesterday.
Iâm waiting for Garth, my boyfriend.
He had an important phone call.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Your boyfriend? [chortling.]
What's that supposed to mean? - What's what supposed to mean? - You chortled.
Just surprised you have a boyfriend, that's all.
You seem fairly unlovable to me.
- Fuck you, Logan! - Fuck yourself, Suze! It's cheaper.
- Not if I charge myself! - Can't hear you! [sighs.]
- Victor, how are you? - [Victor.]
Ow! - So, Victor, are you ready for it? - What? - [indistinctly.]
Are you ready to do it? - I'm What? He's asking if you think you're ready to do it? I donât know! Why is everybody putting so much pressure on me? I'm gonna be in the infirmary later tonight, waiting for you, if you [Yaron.]
Victor, no pressure.
It's not for to be nervous, and then [Donna.]
See you in the infirmary at 7:45.
- Was it something I said? - What? [indistinctly.]
Was it something I said? What is that? - I say, was it something I said? - I don't [grunts.]
Jeez, how long was I out? [Neil grunts.]
Ooh! That nap was incredible.
I really went for it.
Iâm soaking wet.
Vic, what's wrong? Yaron and Donna want me to shove a baby into her with my penis.
I think Yaron's got dry balls or something.
I don't know.
- Whoa! - But they don't know that I have never - Spit it out! - They don't know that I haven't had sex, or whatever you call it, Neil.
[sighs.]
Vic, this is it.
This is the moment.
This is a great opportunity for you to finally lose your V-card! - No, Neil.
Don't you get it? - What? My dick is all thumbs! It's got two left feet! It canât walk and chew gum at the same time! - Dicks aren't supposed to chew gum! - You don't know that! - I do, Vic! - You don't know my dick Listen to me.
If you really want to learn how to use your dick I will teach you.
[sniffling.]
Yeah? Uh yeah.
[whimpers.]
[chuckling.]
[both laughing.]
[Beth.]
The score is tied.
King of Camp event number five, dizzy bat.
[crowd cheering.]
- [Katie.]
Come on.
- [Coop.]
You got this.
[Seth.]
Egg on a spoon.
Go! Race carefully.
- You got this.
Yeah! - Come on, Andy.
Come on! - This is so fun.
- Come on, Andy! - God, isn't this like old times? - [chuckles.]
Yeah.
- Hey, Coop.
- Yeah - Can we talk for a sec? Privately? - Sure, Ginny, sure.
Okay.
So, Coop You know Iâm the kind of girl who would never give her man an ultimatum.
I know, and that's what's so Until now.
I don't want you hanging out with Katie anymore, okay? Um, and if you do Iâm going to have to seriously reconsider this relationship.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
[Katie.]
Come on, Andy! [McKinley.]
Come in here.
I have to show you something.
You've gotta see this knife that Renata bought.
It looks like it was made for gutting deer.
This is her bag.
I donât like the idea of rifling through someone else's stuff.
Claire, I need you.
Remember our deal, fifty-fifty.
- I never agreed to that.
- Fifty-fifty, Claire! - I never - [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
[Claire.]
She cut you out of all the photos.
Sheâs trying to cut me out of my own life.
We've gotta warn Ben.
[both gasp.]
[Neil.]
Okay, the first thing you need to do is just relax.
Where's the confident Victor Pulak that I've known my whole life? That man is a fraud, Neil.
A fake, freaking fraud.
You know what would boost your confidence? A new look.
Why donât you let me give you a makeover? A makeover? Do you know how to do that? What do you think I've been taking night classes at Barbizon for? To pass the time? So what do you say? - What do I say? - Yeah.
I say, let's do it.
Here we go! - And we're done.
How do you feel? - [sighs.]
Amazing.
If you think that's good, check this out.
Whoa! Those people at Barbizon don't fool around.
[laughs.]
Whoo! Yeah! Okay, here's the plan.
We'll find Ben, get the baby, and then get the hell out of here.
- Got it? - Yes, yes! Listen to me, you screw-up.
We only have one shot at this, okay? So when I say kill the baby at 2:00 p.
m.
, I mean kill the baby at 2:00 p.
m.
[gasps.]
Oh! [chuckling.]
Hi! Didn't see you guys standing there.
What did you hear me say? - [panting.]
Nothing.
I didn't hear - [stammering.]
- [Claire.]
Ear.
- We didn't hear anything.
- Had a fever, and - She had a fever, I have swimmer's ear.
[Claire stammering.]
- Run! - [screams.]
Okay, we gotta find Ben.
Split up.
We'll cover more ground.
Ben? Ben! Hello? Why's Mark's bag open? "Fuck book"? [Mark.]
Mandy, gulp! Didn't miss a drop.
Sandy, right in the eye.
Ha! How do I love thee? Connie, what a body on that little minx.
I swear, I'm like a one-man bukkake show.
Sandra, anal, check.
Chandra, fucked her so hard, her nose ring fell out and came Oh, hey.
What are you doing in here? What is this, Mark? Uh - A book.
- What's it doing in your luggage? I don't know, okay? Why are you grilling me all of a sudden? How could I be so stupid? God, I should've known.
And to think I was actually considering moving in with you.
You were never moving in with me, Claire.
All you care about is your stupid independence.
Well, did you ever think about what all that "independence" was doing to me? - Christ! - Ah, fuck! - [door slams shut.]
- Claire! [Deep Throat.]
Go to this address.
All your questions will be answered.
[doorbell rings.]
- Hi! - Hey.
How are ya? Sorry to bother you.
Listen, whatever youâre selling, weâre not interested.
- Iâm a journalist, please.
- Like I said, we're not interested.
Can we talk? I just [screaming.]
The thing is, I just need ten minutes of your time.
- Seven.
- Okay.
[campers cheering.]
[boy.]
Let's go! Okay! Each of you must make up a song about dinosaurs! Go! - [Deegs.]
Brontosaurus - [Andy.]
Where did you go - [Deegs.]
Stegosaurus - [Andy.]
My friends, dinosaurs Don't forget the pterodactyl Why did you leave me On the verge of extinction Everybody's doinâ the Dinosaur Stomp - [Andy.]
I shed a tear for you Dinosaur Stomp - Dino - Ooh [Beth.]
Point, Deegs! - Go! - [Seth.]
Let's go! [boy.]
Come on, Andy! Um, I'm gonna run back to the cabin to grab my sunblock.
- Okay.
- So Oh.
Listen, Ginny, I heard you, and I totally respect what you had to say.
- I won't talk to Katie.
- Thanks, Coop.
- Boop.
- [chuckles.]
- Hey, Coop.
- Hey, Katie! I was wondering if we could talk.
Oh! Um [grunts.]
See, Ginny feels really weird about us, and I'm not supposed to talk to you.
- I'm sure you can understand.
- Oh, I see.
Okay, so we won't talk.
- Okay.
- And I won't be at the goat barn in exactly one hour.
Just to be clear.
Does "I won't" mean "I will"? No, it doesn't.
Just purely for logistical purposes, you're just saying, "Meet me in an hour at the goat barn," and you're saying it in a weird way 'cause you don't want me to have to say to Ginny that we talked.
No, I'm "not.
" - Please.
- Thank you.
Hello.
- I think I know why you're here.
- Why am I here? - It's about him, isn't it? - Him who? Hello? - Hi, hon.
- Who's this? Who are you? - I'm a journalist - She's a journalist - from the media.
- News.
Um, would you excuse us for just a second? - Thanks.
- Of course.
[Mikey whispering.]
I'm sorry.
[whispering.]
What did I tell you right before I left? I said Would you like a wafer? Bathroom.
Oh, God.
Do you have to go to the bathroom? You do.
[softly.]
I do.
We've got to tell somebody.
He will kill us.
He will kill her, too.
[both whispering.]
[Darla clears throat.]
I'm afraid we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Could I use the bathroom before I go? - No.
But I really have to, uh [clears throat.]
take a bath.
[sighs.]
All right.
Make it quick.
[water running.]
[grunting.]
[pottery shattering.]
[sighs.]
Camp Firewood? [sighs.]
Oh, my God.
Ronald Reagan went to Camp Firewood? You need to tell me everything.
- Garth? - Darling! There you are! I thought you were coming back to the dining hall after your phone call.
I was just about to come and find you.
I've just had the most amazing news.
Billy Baldwin has dropped out of The Neptune Effect.
- They want me to jump in! - What? $35 million budget.
Top-line talent.
It's going to win technical awards for sure.
Yeah, my people think this could put me into the next tier.
- Wow! Iâm so happy for you.
- Mmm.
- For us.
- Yeah, well, that's the thing, Suze.
It's shooting in Budapest, of all places, for eight months, and I've got to go now.
But what about you and me? You know I think youâre fantastic, Suze.
But you want me to turn this down? It's a massive opportunity.
- Let me come with you.
- Theyâve already bought the ticket, so we wouldnât even get seats together at this point.
I can sneak in your suitcase.
[Chuckles.]
- You're simply too big, darling.
- Garth Are you breaking up with me? Susie Susie! But what about our movie? What about By the Grace of God and Ever After? [chuckling.]
Oh, you funny little thing, I thought you understood.
Iâm an action movie star now.
I'm done with the festival fare.
I'm sure you'll get someone good.
It's a great role.
[whimpering.]
You said I'm your muse.
Oh, darling, you were.
[crying.]
Come on, donât let me leave like this.
Give us a smile.
[sobbing.]
There she is.
All right, cheerio, love.
[campers screaming playfully.]
[Seth.]
Go, Deegy! Hot pepper chow down! Go! [all chanting.]
Peppers! Peppers! Peppers! [both grunting.]
[chanting continues.]
[crying.]
[both screaming.]
Okay, we're gonna pretend that this mattress is a woman.
Okay.
- Get in there.
- Is this her front? Yup, her head's at this end.
Just like normal sex.
- Good to know that that's normal sex.
- Just jump right in there.
[stuttering.]
You're not Let me show you a couple things.
First, see how I'm entering her.
Scoop-a-doop.
Scoop-a-doop.
- Yup.
- I'm gonna put it in.
All right.
All right Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slower.
Slower! Vic! I didn't mean to scare you.
- That's it, good.
Look into her eyes.
- Hi.
- Don't say hi.
- Goodbye, goodbye.
- Don't say hello or goodbye.
- Forget what I said.
Okay, don't You look like you're gonna throw up.
Try smiling.
Okay, don't do that.
Pretend like you're in line at the bank or something.
All right, you got it.
[both grunting.]
You're doing it! You're doing it, Vic! You're really doing it! - [Victor.]
Hi.
- Stop saying hi.
- Good! Way to go, buddy.
- [laughs.]
I'm doing it! I'm doing it! [both laughing.]
- Yeah! - Donna's not gonna know what hit her.
- [Ben.]
McKinley! McKinley! - Ben.
- I'm at the horse stable.
- The horse stable.
The horse stable.
McKinley.
Ben, thank God.
There you are.
I was right.
Renata's a lying bitch.
No.
McKinley, calm down.
No, don't fucking tell me to calm down! She's a fucking bloodthirsty, murderous, bitch-ass psycho! What? Surprise.
- [campers.]
Surprise.
- [Arty.]
Surprise.
Surprise.
Renata organized a surprise wedding anniversary for you.
For us.
No, no, Ben.
She's got a knife.
For this cake I made you.
Carrot cake.
Your favorite.
No, no.
You cut me out of the photos.
For the memory collage.
I had enough of Ben.
I needed a few more of you.
No, Ben, listen to me.
I heard you on the phone.
She said, "Kill the baby at 2:00 p.
m.
" Kill the Baby is a popular swing band from Asheville, North Carolina.
Ben told me you loved swing music.
Hey everyone, we're Kill the Baby.
This is our hit song, "Jumpin' Jambalaya.
" I do love swing music.
[band playing swing music.]
Staring at me with eyes of fire Talking truth but you're a liar They are very good.
You just want my jambalaya - [Renata grunting.]
- He just wants my jambalaya She just wants my jambalaya Got that heat that mouths desire People love my jambalaya Catch that heat that feet require Happy tenth anniversary.
It's a candlestick from your favorite place.
[sighs.]
I thought we weren't doing gifts.
And I thought I didn't marry a paranoid asshole! He just wants my jambalaya She just wants my jambalaya Got that heat that mouths desire Jumpin', jumpin' jambalaya It comes down to this, the final event, Man on Fire.
Each of our combatants will be lit on fire and they will walk as fast as they can before being overcome by flames.
As the score is tied, whoever wins this will be crowned King of Camp.
- [campers cheering.]
- Begin! - [Deegs.]
Oh, God! - [Andy.]
Shit! Shit! - Fuck! - Hot! Hot! Oh, my God! [both groaning.]
- [Andy.]
Flaming hot! - Fuck, fuck, fuck! [Andy.]
Put it out! Put it out! Deegs! Deegs, you won! [campers cheering.]
[chanting.]
King of Camp! King of Camp! [both whooping.]
[Deegs.]
Let's go! - Suck it, old man! Let's go! - On fire like a big D.
[voices echoing.]
I wish there was something I could do, but there's literally nothing.
You know what happens now.
- [all chanting.]
Loser! Loser! Loser! - Ow! [chanting continues.]
[Andy grunting.]
This is total bull jizz! I should've won.
Yeah, why don't you go cry in your bunk about it? - [laughing.]
- Whoa! [both scoffing.]
[Deegs and Seth laughing.]
Idiot.
So, Beth, we just need you to put your John Hancock here and here.
Oh, you know what? I've been meaning to give you something for ten years.
Remember these? From that night you came to destroy the camp? But you didn't.
Instead, you saved us from Ronald Reagan.
'Cause love triumphs over evil every time.
- Anywhozzle, I'm just gonna sign - Actually, before you sign I'd like to have our lawyer take a look at the eminent domain clause.
What? We need to make sure this is done properly.
I have a plan.
Just bring Reagan to the bunker.
What the hell is he doing? - [swing music continues playing.]
- [all cheering.]
- Hi.
- Renata I I donât know what to say.
I am so sorry I misjudged you.
It's hard being a new parent.
I get it.
- Will you accept my apology? - Of course I will, yeah.
- Thank you.
- Come here, you.
Oh! [Renata.]
Mmm! - I have a secret to tell you.
- What's that? You were right about me.
You fell right into my trap.
I made you look insane.
And now, no matter what I do, no one will believe you.
What do you want from me? Everything.
- Oh, Renata, Ashley's waking up.
- Be right there, Ben.
She's crazy.
["Speak" by Shudder To Think plays.]
Speak in time Make time for me Speak in time Make time for me I put a dime into a well To wish for diamonds When I fell I saw you laughing down