What If...? (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

What If... Iron Man Crashed Into the Grandmaster?

THE WATCHER: The Guardians
of the Multiverse.
Heroes plucked from
across different realities
to protect the fate of all of them.
But you don't know her story.
From the daughter of a Mad Titan
to the champion of a multiversal war,
Gamora's path to becoming
the hero of her story
began in someone else's.
It's more than a linear path.
It's a prism of endless possibility,
where a single choice can
branch out into infinite realities,
creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.
I am the Watcher.
I am your guide through
these vast new realities.
Follow me and ponder the question
"What if?"
IRON MAN: Pepper
THE WATCHER: With his home
on the verge of destruction,
Tony Stark, self-made Iron Man,
made the ultimate hero's play.
But in this universe,
Tony never made it home.
Oh, crap. I'm dead.
Okay, this can't be heaven.
Um, tell me you're not God.
Look. Who is this handsome dog?
Look at that radiant skin.
I call you "Porcelana. Señor Porcelana".
- Whoa!
- Uh-oh. Fire. Topaz, the foam.
Release the foam.
Okay, we got it good.
I think it was overkill with the foam.
But look. He's still smoldering.
Uh, no, this is hell. I've gone to hell.
Oh, tsk, tsk, my new friend,
this is the planet of Sakaar.
I'm sorry. "Planet"?
As in, "I'm lost in space"?
Uh, yes. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. It's you.
This is you. This is you.
This is the guy.
Mr. Metal Mojo Man is in the palace.
- Uh, "Iron Man".
- Crusher of the Chitaurinos.
- The defeater of Thanos.
- Who?
And provocateur with the facial hair.
I like what you're doing
with the chin decoration there.
- Do we know each other?
- Time works differently here.
We've been talking about
Mr. Metal Mojo Man's
nuclear ride for days.
- By the way, can I call you "Mojo"?
- Never.
- No? Possibly "Tin Man"?
- No.
- "Rocket Man"?
- Nope.
"Mojo Man" it is. Okay, there you go.
Ah! We won. Good.
Oh, my God. Pepper.
She's okay. She's okay. Okay.
Hey, quick. Do that thing you do.
You know, the thing. Do the thing.
Okay, Wizard of Oz, I need
to get back to the Earth pronto.
- Can you help me with that?
- Sure. Of course.
I'll get you on a zoom.
You know, the zoom.
But first, you gotta stay
and celebrate with us.
It's my 21st.
- 21st what?
- Birthday.
I know, I know. I don't
look a day over 18, but
Thanks, but I've kind of
put my party days behind me.
So, spaceship? Is it that way?
Um, will there be food?
(SINGING) It's my birthday
it's my birthday ♪
Hey, look at you all.
Gussied up. Wearing your best.
Well, look, I could chit-chat
all day. I get gabby.
But we're here to celebrate two things,
me and Sakaar Grand Prix.
So let's make some noise
for our Dollies and Clydes,
our racers and drivers.
On your marks. Get set.
And Hang on. Don't jump the gun.
Not yet. Not yet.
Get out of here, you crazy kids.
Go, go, go!
(SINGING) It's my birthday
it's my birthday ♪
- That tastes like a dog park.
- Boo!
Surprise. It's me. Didn't
mean to spook you.
Or did I? I did. I did.
Isn't this quaint? You know, on Yurth
- "Earth".
- "Oorth"?
- "Earth".
- "Arfff"?
- Yep, you got it. Nailed it.
- Yeah.
Well, this would be
called a chariot race.
- Formula 1 race.
- No, these are chariots.
See the drivers? The wheels?
Yeah, this is intergalactic NASCAR.
Race cars are similar,
but very different.
- Common mistake. Don't be embarrassed.
I told them to get bigger gas tanks.
I barely felt that flame.
Wow! Well, a fitting end for
Who was that?
Oh! Look at that flame.
He was made to be roadkill.
Where's the firefighters? The medics?
You're gonna miss the best part.
- Hey, throw the tin cans at her.
- Argh!
(GRUNTS) Oi! I'd like
to see you all drive.
Isn't this a touch barbaric?
- Okay, now the small animals.
- Throw the animals!
Are those hamsters?
Topaz, chinchilla me.
Calm your cheeks, Mojo.
We used to throw rotten food,
but given the recent famines
leaving people How do I put this?
- Starving.
It's considered uncouth.
- Hey!
- Thank you.
Hey, if you like my chinchillas,
you're gonna love my champion.
Release the champion!
Oh, no, no, no.
Snuffy. I thought we were friends, bro.
Here's the best part.
So much for staying for one drink.
Oh! You're doing the thing.
He's doing the thing.
Uh, why is it sticky?
Uh Whoa! Ahhh!
Careful, mate. This guy here
does not like to be touched.
Thanks for the tip, Mount Rushmore.
(GASPS) Gun alert.
Who are you?
Your death.
Thank you very, very much.
You've ruined my birthday.
That's sarcasm.
The first part, not the second part.
Topaz, uh, fix this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I specifically
asked for a private room.
No, no, no! Don't you dare lock me
He sensed a connection
between the two of you.
Then why is he here?
Then why is who here?
There's nothing over here. Just a
big pile of rocks. With some eyes.
Hey! No! Whoa! Uh,
hold on No. Easy, easy!
Hang on a minute.
My quarrel is not with you. It's with
What? What are you doing?
I don't usually do this
in front of company.
Perk of having
an arc reactor in your chest.
Now, who are you?
And better question, why
are you trying to kill me?
Well, hello. My name is Korg.
I consider myself more
of a lover than a fighter.
- Not you!
- I am the daughter of Thanos,
the Mad Titan, the one burdened
to bring balance to this universe.
Daughter of Thanos.
Daddy wasn't very creative
with the names, was he?
GAMORA: What are you doing?
Not hanging around to play Dr. Moreau's
Hunger Games, that's for sure.
Look at that magical bracelet he's got.
All right. Ready to rock 'n' roll?
I had to say that at least once.
Not you, Stabby. This is a two-man band.
Oh, my gosh. Dream come true.
We're in a band.
So, tell me about this Grandmaster.
Did he gerrymander the districts?
Well, heck-a-rooney-zooney.
The Grandmaster ain't that bad.
Actually, he is that bad. He does
spend all our money on death.
Hmm. I should never have voted for him.
STARK: That's not so bad.
- All right. Wait for my signal.
- Say no more, bro.
- Whoo-hoo! Let's go!
Yeah, what happened to waiting?
Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony. You blinked.
On no planet is that a signal.
Tony, I thought I saw your goatee twitch.
- No. Still not a signal.
- No, it's doing it again.
- Did you think that in the jail cell?
- It's a nervous tick.
- Because I did it then.
- She's got a gun.
You again. Did you glare
your way out of that cell?
Oh, it'll take more
than laser-proof glass
to rob Thanos of his victory.
Yep, pick a new song.
Huh. Thanks for the exit.
Take that, vile asparagus woman.
- GRANDMASTER: Alarm. Alarm. Alarm.
I know there's been
some disharmony lately.
Many of you asking, "When
are we getting more food?"
"Why'd that lake turn to blood?"
I love your curiosity. Answers
are coming, but not now.
Right now, you must track
down Mr. Metal Mojo Man.
GAMORA: You're weak.
- Your entire race is weak.
- Alarm.
Thanos will have his revenge.
Okay, Thanos, Jr. or
whatever your name is,
did we date or something?
- What's your dad got against me?
- You destroyed his Chitauri.
New York? That was Thanos?
Your victory might have been
glorious, but it will also be short.
Victory? Glory?
People died. I lost a friend.
Do you know what it's like to see
your home world destroyed?
Almost brought to its knees by a madman?
Huh? Did you know about Daddy's plan?
Did you watch as those
things tried to break us?
- You were lucky. Next time
- There won't be a next time, Xena.
GRANDMASTER: You've got to track
down Mr. Metal Mojo Man.
He's not the hero we hoped,
but he's a very nasty, nasty man.
Hey, Korg, is this Grandmaster guy
as bad as my gut says he is?
Oh, this one time, he used
me as a paperweight,
and can you imagine how that felt?
Just to have to sit on paper,
which is my nemesis.
Mmm-hmm. Say no more. Thrusters
are ready. Just say the word.
Then, for no greater reason than
to piss you off and prove you wrong,
I'm gonna save this planet too.
And then I'm going after your dad.
How did she get out? Anybody? Anyone?
KORG: You're really gonna risk everything
for a bunch of strangers
on an alien junk planet?
Yeah, that's what I do.
I'm Iron Man.
Iron Man?
Wow! Your mother must be proud.
I bet Mrs. Iron brags
to all the neighbors.
First, we need a driver.
KORG: Hmm. Look at this little thing.
I think I'll name him Nikos,
after my friend Jeffrey.
So, you're not a fool
or even a bad driver,
yet you were in a death race.
- Care to explain?
- I was going to win.
Sure you were. What happened
to last year's winner?
He went to live on a farm
with the other winners.
It's a really interesting farm.
They put you in this really comfy bed,
and then they put you into the ground,
and then they put this cool stone
thing just up where your head is.
Definitely no one dies.
They've got bunnies.
My guess, and I'm in no way
speaking from personal experience,
you want the thrill.
To feel alive, if only for
a moment, you know?
So you can forget whatever mistake
has you chasing that demon in a bottle.
First, Demon in a Bottle is sewer water.
This is Demon Rum,
top-shelf, gold label.
Second, don't be in here
giving me life advice, goatee.
Wow. Names hurt.
The Grandmaster is a cheat,
and he deserves to be taken down.
You're going to overthrow
the Grandmaster?
You? And you? (LAUGHS)
- Why aren't you two laughing?
- Tony, help, please.
Nikos is pooping on me. I do
not like it. And he will not stop.
Because we're gonna beat the
Grandmaster at his own game.
What do you say? Partners?
Top-shelf. (GASPS)
Hey, don't try any silly stuff.
Ugh! Smells like burnt yaro root.
So, mountain man said something about
the spawn of Thanos being on your tail?
Yeah. I hear he's not the type
you wanna meet in a dark alley.
You shouldn't be here.
You should be running.
Ever hear of "campground rules"?
"Always leave a place
better than you found it".
Uh First, I apologize
for not recognizing you,
you offspring of Thanos.
His little moppet of evil.
We're all huge fans
of your father's work.
You are an excellent murderess.
I want Tony Stark.
- Ho-ho Man.
Oh! Blasty-hands.
He left. He's gone. No idea
where. Could be anywhere.
Hey, Technicolored Dream Coat.
- That's good.
- Yeah, I hacked your toys.
And I built some of my own.
Now, I can take down this planet,
but let's be real.
The people-creatures-beings of Sakaar
have seen enough insanity.
Here's my offer. Me, you, one race.
Winner takes the planet.
But we already have the planet.
It's a trap. Stark is a
genius on his world.
Yes, but not a master
genius like me. Hmm.
I'm intrigued, but not sold.
You pick the chariots.
Sir, there's no reason to do this.
Hush up. Don't be such a Logic-Linda.
Hey, if I win, um, I get that suit.
- I want that suit.
- Uh, deal.
You're a fool.
You know, you want the Mr. Metal Man,
and now you know exactly where he'll be.
By the way, you're racing too,
moppet of Thanos.
- It's Daughter of Thanos.
- "Daughter"? Really?
Sure. I'll stick to that story too.
Thank you for indulging me, guys.
I've always wanted to walk very slowly.
I call passenger seat. Let's do this.
STARK: There's no winning today.
- Quit now, and no one gets hurt.
Oh, wow. Slap me and call me
Spartacus. That's a chariot.
Hey, loser.
You're dead, Mojo.
- Come to take this off me?
- Depends. Still gonna kill me?
That's what I thought. Here.
Let's keep in touch.
Have a nice summer.
This is the part I like. Rev, rev.
On your marks.
Get ready. Steady.
Wait for me. Wait for my cue.
Could use a little help.
Take that!
Oh. I love this vehicle.
Hey, Oscar the Grouch, can you hear me?
Listen, I'm the last one
to give a lecture on daddy issues.
My dad was a far cry from Atticus Finch.
- Who?
- Exactly. Who are you?
- 'Cause all I hear about is your father.
- I'm a murderess.
Yeah, yeah, that was yesterday.
What about today?
What about right now?
Let me put you on hold.
- Oh!
- Oh, hells no.
Oh! You're alive. Never been happier.
Oh! Hold up there, Lady Grinch.
Could use a little help.
- Tony, incoming!
Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, it's on.
Pfft! Lame.
Come on, pretty car. Go.
Marvelous fireball.
Oh, there you are.
All right. Where was I?
Oh! Right. Look, I get it. I lived
in my dad's shadow for a long time.
I did stuff I'm not proud of.
People died because of
who I was and what I built.
My point is, people can change,
and for the better.
But I'm not my father.
You're not your father.
I made a choice for the better,
and I became Iron Man.
You mean "Mr. Metal Mojo"?
Oh. I see that's sticking.
Which button Let me
I know. Eat my dust.
Oh! Snuffy had brothers.
Anyway, you get to decide
who you wanna be.
Not your father. Not your past.
You decide. Who are you?
The daughter of Thanos, or
You know, I never caught your name.
My name is Gamora.
Thank you, Gamora.
Is that Dutch? Swedish, maybe?
This isn't over, Stark.
Ha-ha! Oh.
Whoa! Val, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good. Just win the race.
- Yes.
I'm winning, I'm winning. Huh?
Well, gold star to us. We have a tie.
And, as the rules state, the choice
of winner comes down to me.
- I choose me.
I won fair and square.
Uh, Topaz?
Whoa I'm melting.
Hey, I like it.
What is this? Ooh. That feels good. Ooh!
- Viscous.
- Oh! He smells like bad life choices.
Uh, what's happening?
- I think they just crowned you their king.
- Good.
I was thinking someone should lay down
some campground rules around here.
What do you say?
Despite my outward appearances,
I'm not really one for nature.
What do you say about being
special counsel to the king?
Yeah, okay, I'll do that.
To leaving a place
better than you found it.
(GROANS) Ugh! One drink.
Just one drink that doesn't
taste like a theme park urinal.
I can't convince you to stay, huh?
I would, but it's time to go home.
Pepper's waiting for me.
More of a salt man myself.
Bad for you, sure, but
when isn't love dangerous?
Almost there, Pepper.
THE WATCHER: So close to home.
His odyssey almost at an end, except
I can't return to my
father without you, Stark.
THE WATCHER: It's not the punches thrown
but the people that change
the outcome of the battle.
It's connection. It's love, friendship.
You never fail to amaze me, little one.
You're the one they call Iron Man?
I expected more.
Hey, someone finally got your name right.
Let's do this, G.
It's knowing someone
has your back in a fight.
I'm so glad you're here.
Hey, could you find a bucket?
I need a bucket and a mop at this point.
Sponge me. Sponge me up.
I need to be absorbed by something. Ew!
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