What If...? (2021) s02e03 Episode Script

What If... Happy Hogan Saved Christmas?

Isn't this nice?
No better time of year.
You know, let me tell you one
of my favorite Yuletide stories.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the town,
the Avengers were fighting
a brand-new superpower.
The stockings were
hung by the chimney
THE WATCHER: Well, not anymore.
IRON MAN: Where's Thor?
THE WATCHER: Oh, right.
You're probably wondering
who this guy is.
Perhaps I should start
a bit further back.
It's more than a linear path.
It's a prism of endless possibility,
where a single choice can
branch out into infinite realities,
creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.
I am the Watcher.
I am your guide through
these vast new realities.
Follow me and ponder the question
"What if?"
Okay, let's try this again.
'Twas only two hours prior and
the tower was not yet on fire.
To the left, to the left. To the
No, too much left. Stop. Stop!
DARCY: Sparrow-1 to Puffin-2,
do you copy?
We have a code red down here.
Darcy, I told you, while
JARVIS is being defragged,
this line is for emergency use only.
Please. Sparrow-1 on the comms, boss.
And it's a total code red.
The caterers are here,
and all I'm seeing are cheese
cubes and carrot sticks.
Where's the showmanship?
Where are the Kogi buns?
Darcy, you wanna get college
credit for this? Listen to me.
This Avengers holiday gala
is not my first rodeo.
Fine, fine. Ten to the four, Puffin-2.
Wait. Why am I a puffin?
And a second puffin at that.
- Who's the first puffin?
- Bernard in Accounting.
Okay, that just hurts.
I can offer you Turkey-1, Flamingo-6.
Ooh, how about the Parakeet?
Wait. I have a better idea. A very
special assignment just for you.
- Maraschino cherries. We're running low,
and Tony can't have
a hot toddy without them.
Oh, I didn't know people
put cherries in hot toddies.
Hey, you're trying to get rid of me.
Just looking for a little peace
on Earth, okay? Ow!
$50 million, you can't watch
where you're going?
- HILL: Everything under control?
Director Hill. You're looking
quite, uh, festive.
Now that JARVIS has been
shut down for maintenance
Oh, I wanna talk to you about that.
I'd like to share a few messages
about upgrading our threat matrix
Maybe you should leave that
to the security professionals.
a security professional.
- I need you to focus on tonight's party.
SHIELD AGENT: Eagle-1, Eagle-1.
You're needed in command.
- On my way.
- Eagle-1?
This holiday party is vital, Mr. Hogan.
After the year we've had, people
need a reason to celebrate.
I'm counting on you to pull it off.
Yes, ma'am.
- Hmm
Christmas playlist.
Hanukkah playlist (GASPS)
That one Mariah Carey
song on loop. Bingo!
- And to all a good
- Sergei, you stepped on my line, buddy.
this is the story of
how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.
- After the corrupt defense contractor
nearly blew up the Stark Expo,
he found himself on the naughty list.
With time to think, time to reflect,
time to
ponder his future.
Perhaps, in this universe,
Justin Hammer had
a little too much time.
CATERER: We're gonna die!
Yo, Rusty, hand me that, would you?
- MAN: How'd they even get in here?
The name is Rustam Leonid Vyacheslav.
And that's exactly why
we're sticking with Rusty.
People, people, listen up.
You stay calm, you stay quiet
and I guarantee that you'll
be home for the holidays.
- Hey, there's no crying on Christmas.
You know, when I was seven years old,
I wanted a Red Ryder BB gun
more than anything in the world.
I begged my parents.
I begged Santa for it.
Accidentally got my tongue
stuck on a telephone pole.
(SNIFFLES) Isn't that a classic movie?
Yes, the one with the leg lamp.
Hey, shut up. But I didn't get the BB gun
that Christmas. Do you know why?
'Cause this is America,
and if you want something,
you gotta take it.
Oh, you unplug JARVIS for five minutes,
the whole building collapses.
Uh, boss?
Relax. Reprogramming command
protocols, setting new targets.
"All on site staff" sounds good to me.
- What?
(LAUGHS) Knock 'em dead, Johnny Fives.
(SINGING) Good Queen
Darcy last looked down ♪
On the feast of Steve Rogers
When the snow lay on ♪
- (GRUNTS) "Eagle-1".
- HAMMER: Okay, boys.
- Hammer?
Behind these doors is
a gamma-radiated antigen serum.
Hulk blood.
- The amniotic fluid, so to speak
- Gross.
that will birth the next
superhero. Me.
I'm already smarter than 10 Tony Starks
and pretty soon I'll be stronger
than 12 Captain Americas.
(LAUGHS) So, let's get cracking.
No problems.
Dude, come on. What is this?
You said you were a safecracker.
Yes, and now I crack safe.
(GROANS) I knew I should have
gone with the Sokovian team.
Hill. Hill, come in.
We got three hostiles in Tony's lab.
You'd think they'd raid
the armory first.
Tony's been messing around
with Banner's blood,
seeing if he can be the Hulk
without the anger management issues.
- Was he successful?
- It's a process.
HAMMER: I'm gonna head up.
Oh, oh, that's not good. Okay, okay.
Call me when you get the good stuff.
Time for me to go and
sit on Tony's throne.
- I'm not gonna flush, if you get my drift.
- HOGAN: Oh.
Yeah, it's Hammer. He's
heading for Tony's bathroom.
HILL: Hogan, can you secure the samples?
Yes. I think I have a way in.
Good. 'Cause I've got Hammer.
(GRUNTS) Right in the jingle bells.
Ah! Ah! Whoa!
(SIGHS) Jesus.
"Throw a holiday party.
It'll be fun", Tony said.
"What could go wrong?"
I told them the air vent would be
a security issue, but (CHUCKLES) no.
Nobody listens to Happy.
Look at this bar! Oh, my goodness!
I love it!
Hands where I can see them, Hammer.
Now surrender peacefully.
Oh, the day you've been
dreading has finally come.
The day that you face off
against Tony Stark's greatest adversary.
"Greatest adversary"?
What are you, a wealth tax?
(SIGHS) Nothing?
Your technique is off.
More strength in back.
Less arms, more hips.
RUSTAM: Da, da, da. I get it now.
Okay, let's take a look.
Where is it? Hulk blood, Hulk blood.
Hulk blood. Hulk blood.
Okay, just where is
Think A little vial.
Happy, find the Hulk blood,
find the Hulk No!
Hey, hey, hey. Did you hear that?
- (WHISPERS) Oh, got it. (SIGHS)
- (SHUSHES) Stop.
- HAMMER: Your little jokes won't do
much good against the
master of tae kwon do,
- jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
- Switch the channel.
That's right.
- I learned prison-fighting techniques.
- Oh, God.
All on the prison yard.
Hmm, maybe a rat.
You know what the most important
thing I learned in lockup is?
Enlighten me.
Cheating is for winners.
No, Maria!
- Oh, whoa. (SCREAMS)
Be a shadow. Be a shadow.
Be a loose shadow.
You guys can see me, right?
Da, we see you.
Boss, we have security guard.
Clever. You thought you
could distract the Hammer?
- SERGEI: Hey! Get back here.
- Hulk blood. I just need the Hulk blood.
Where will you run? (LAUGHS)
Come on. What's a guy gotta do
to find an epidural of Banner blood?
Hulk Huh?
A confetti arrow?
Come on, Tony. You booking Hawkeye
out for birthday parties now?
Hulk blood! Oh, yes! Bingo!
All right. (SIGHS) I should definitely
be getting hazard pay for this.
Whoa! (YELLS)
No! Why'd it do that?
Step aside, my little elves.
Oh, that's not good.
Oh, that's not good.
(CHUCKLES) Hammer.
Shoot him with all you've got.
Whoa! (GRUNTS)
- RUSTAM: There, there, there. Let's go.
- Hey! Get back here!
Oh, yeah, the things you learn
working for a mad,
over-caffeinated scientist. Incoming!
Hey, stop, stop! Stop! You're
gonna destroy the Hulk blood.
What's the matter with you?
(SIGHS) Oh, that's useful.
Screw what I said. Just get him. Now.
Happy. Oh, my leg is broken.
Yeah, that's okay. I might have
enough leg for the both of us.
Happy? Look, I'm counting on you.
Is that him? Is that the
fly in my super serum?
- Stop Hammer. Save the tower.
Maria! Maria!
Oh, you got a big box of coal
coming your way, missy.
Cuff her. I'm sick of this chick
roasting my chestnuts.
Okay, it's all on me now.
It's all on me now.
Oh, it's all on me now. (SIGHS)
Okay, yes, there's no "I" in team.
There's no "I" in team!
- What? No, no, no!
- Romanoff. Happy, not a great time.
- HOGAN: Natasha? Natasha!
I'm being held at gunpoint
by a former HYDRA agent with 17 kills.
Eighteen kills. You forgot Nigeria.
Oh, that was you? Show off.
Uh You want me to get you help?
Oh, no, I've got this.
See you at the party.
- Yeah, she'll be fine.
- Okay, Tony. Pick up, Tony, please.
Perfect timing. Happy,
can you tell Timmy here
that a replica Cap shield
is nothing but a patriotic Frisbee?
- Tony, it's an emergency!
- Whoa!
Trouble here, too. Soccer moms
are cornering Cap. Gotta go.
- Tony. Tony!
- Okay.
Come on. Answer the phone,
answer the phone.
- Hello. What? What? Hold on a sec.
Clint, think we need to wrap this up.
Sun's getting real low, pal.
Like, super winter solstice kind of low.
Banner, Banner!
- I'm sorry. It's the last one.
- Banner!
Clint, just give her the toy!
- BARTON: No can do.
- Come on. Just let her have it.
The wife says, "Bring home this toy
or don't come home at all".
- Damn it. Clint, just
- Let her have it!
Oh, yeah!
DARCY: Start pouring the Shirley
Temples, big guy. I got your cherries.
Sparrow-1, this is Puffin-2.
Do you copy? We got a code red.
The tower's been
overtaken by terrorists.
Terrorists on Christmas?
What is this? Con Air?
No, wait. Under Siege?
No, no, no. That's not it.
Wait. I know this one.
Uh, walking my mental Blockbuster aisle.
Hey, John McClane, focus.
Every weapon, every suit is
currently under Hammer's control.
What are you calling me for?
Tell JARVIS to dial up
the army or the Avengers.
(GASPS) Or that scary dude
with the eye-patch.
JARVIS is offline defragging.
It's how they were able to
Darcy, you're a genius.
Thanks. I have been in college
for the better part of a decade.
Not to brag. But what did I say?
JARVIS has a mainframe
in the sub-basement.
If we bring JARVIS back online,
we can take control of the building
and everything inside of it.
Puffin-2, are you asking me to be
your Reginald VelJohnson?
Reginald VelJohnson? That's what
you remember from the movie?
Oh, damn.
You guys can see me, right?
- Uh
Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.
- Oh, okay.
- SERGEI: Hey!
Guess the only way out is out!
See that? I got Hulk blood
pumping through me.
Might as well try it on for size.
- Wait, wait. Do you hear that?
Go, go, go.
Broke that damn chain pretty good.
What about the short fuse?
Can't have a temper tantrum.
Be calm. Breathe.
That's supposed to help, right?
DARCY: 10-9, Puffin-2.
Everything okay there, boss?
'Cause you sound a little Darth Vader-y.
HOGAN: I just need a minute.
I'm going through some stuff.
Can't believe the whole building
runs off this one dinky box.
My next internship should
totally be at WikiLeaks,
'cause I've got this whole
hacking thing Oh, no.
A secret room!
You thought the doorknob
was the mainframe, didn't you?
Anyone would. This is
like Narnia for dorks.
There should be a backup JARVIS AI
in the sub-basement.
Boss, he has someone else on
the inside. In the sub-basement.
Wait. I got a better idea.
Get back to the penthouse.
It's better to make them
come to the Hammer.
All right. Here we go, boss.
We got a Friday,
a W.A.D.S.W.O.R.T.H., an E.D.I.T.H. 1.0.
Gosh, sounds like a BBC mystery.
HOGAN: Darcy, just pick one!
Wunderbar! Werner it is.
- Whoa! (GASPS)
Darcy? Darcy, do you copy?
Oh, fine. Come in, Sparrow-1.
This is Puffin-2. Do you copy?
- HAMMER: Is this on?
The only difference between
a hero and a villain is good PR.
You see, redemption in this
country, it isn't about penance.
No, it's about rebranding,
and that Hulk blood
was gonna be my chance.
And then you stole it from me,
Happy Hogan. But don't worry.
I will reverse-engineer it after
I dissect your twitching corpse.
Don't let him spook you, Happy.
That's right. Ho-Ho-Hogan,
I got your girl Friday,
but all I want for Christmas is you.
Oh-ho! Gotta admit that's some
solid holiday word play.
Hey, thanks. Penthouse. Five minutes.
Or your intern gets a bullet from Santa.
(COUGHS) But I'm adorable.
HAMMER: Oh, and, Happy, do
us all a favor. Don't be a hero.
Turn the elevator on. I'm coming up.
All right. Let's see what we got here.
Given the weight, no sound,
I'm guessing it's a Rolex watch?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my goodness.
The billionaire got
Captain America socks.
Wow, the press lied. These
two really do not get along.
Quality socks can be excellent gift.
Hey, Happy, here to borrow
a cup of sugar?
Light him up, fellas.
Happy, no!
- Oh!
So, give us some figgy pudding!
Wha "Let it snow?"
Oh, sugar cookies.
- What the hell is that?
DARCY: Earthquake? Is it an earthquake?
I think that's Happy Hogan.
Uh, hello? Giant freak on the loose.
What the hell do you
think I pay you for?
Not this.
(SIGHS) Come on, come on.
Yoga room. Karaoke studio. Really?
Avengers armory. Bingo!
Wow. Your neck is thicker than Thor's.
Crazy, right? And the party
hasn't even started.
Look, if we can reboot JARVIS
Already on it, Sparrow-1.
You said you were counting on me.
That means something.
Hammer's heading to the armory.
I'll handle him. You guys get
to work on the JARVIS reboot.
It's time for that Hammer to get nailed.
Hammer! Hammer!
You lost, Hammer. And there's
not gonna be a Christmas miracle.
Oh, famous last words, Hulk Hogan.
DARCY: (GASPS) Oh, my God! It's Santa!
He's real.
I'm Santa Claus, baby.
- Hammer's taken control of the Hulkbuster.
We need to gain control of
the suit, now. Upload JARVIS.
Not JARVIS, but German.
This is the worst internship ever.
HAMMER: Come on, Happy.
Don't be like that.
Let's make it quick.
I just need a little slice.
Oh, you'll get a piece of me.
There's no way that Stark is paying you
enough to deal with the Hammer.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, yeah! Best boss ever.
Oh, Darcy, really?
Oh, that means a lot coming from, well,
someone who's had just so many bosses.
Oh, it's frozen. We're locked out.
Damn you, pinwheel of death.
Quick. Control-Alt-Delete.
Huh? That actually worked.
A little trick I picked up interning
for the Culver University IT department.
- Have you ever had an actual paying job?
- Nope.
W.E.R.N.E.R: Guten tag.
Yes. All right, we're up. Disengage
the Veronica Hulkbuster Protocol.
In the beginning, men
controlled machines.
Now, machines control the fate of men.
Yeah, okay, right. Are
you calling the Avengers?
W.E.R.N.E.R: As they say in German, no.
What the hell is this program?
Siri for nihilists?
It sounds like my dad.
Happy, you're on your own.
HAMMER: Here's some Muay Thai,
jiujitsu, tae kwon do!
(SIGHS) Know when you're beat, freak.
- What?
Son of a nutcracker. That
monster is eating my suit!
- Bruce, a little help.
No, you guys got this.
- IRON MAN: Where's Thor?
Is that Happy?
Um, no.
ROMANOFF: What is this thing? (GRUNTS)
No, no, no. He's on the guest list.
Repeat, he is on the guest list.
(GROANS) Natasha! It's me.
Oh, my God. Happy?
(CHUCKLES) I was right.
This is the good guy,
that is the bad guy.
IRON MAN: What are
you doing with my suit?
HAMMER: Uh, nothing?
You saved me. Why?
It's Christmas, Hammer.
Goodwill towards men.
(PANTS) Even the bad ones.
I'm sorry about the party, Tony.
I'm sure insurance will
cover most of it.
Are you kidding? You're the only
insurance policy I'll ever need.
Ah, thanks, Tony. Wait. You
do have a cure, don't you?
I'm not stuck this way, right?
My head of security, everybody.
How about this guy, right?
- Yeah, Happy.
- Good job, Happy.
- Crushed it, man.
- Bah, humbug.
THE WATCHER: As for how
the rest of this holiday tale goes,
the tower was safe and secure,
still decked in holly and bows,
when Tony Stark to his team
gave a whistle.
IRON MAN: I think I speak
for everyone when I say
some food would be beneficial.
HOGAN: My appetite is raging.
I can eat an actual
fruitcake after that fight.
THE WATCHER: But I heard a voice say
as the heroes vanished from sight
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a"
Oh, I missed the party.
"To all, a good night".
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy new year ♪
Glad tidings we bring
to you and your kin ♪
Glad tidings at Christmas
and a happy new year ♪
We wish you a swinging Christmas ♪
We wish you a crazy Christmas ♪
We wish you a naughty Christmas
and a frantic new year ♪
DARCY: All right.
(SINGING) Good Queen
Darcy last looked down ♪
On the feast of Steve Rogers ♪
When the snow lay on the ground ♪
Something, something, something ♪
Thor has a giant neck
it is full of muscles ♪
He's just a little schmoopy noodle
going through the cosmos ♪
Happy Holidays!
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