What If...? (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

1
Congratulations.
[Howard the Duck] Oh, my God!
Darce, I'm kvelling.
I am positively kvelling right now.
- It looks just like me.
- [Howard the Duck] Hey! Look over here.
- Let me just get your eyes.
- No.
- I wanna get the light on your eyes.
- Nine hours of labor.
- It's so cinematic.
- I'm covered in sweat.
- This is not a good look.
- [nurse] Oh.
- Would you like me to hold the camera?
- Oh, that's perfect.
Make sure you frame
all three of us, please?
- Howard, it's our baby.
- [laughs]
Or it will be, right?
When do you think
this thing is gonna hatch?
I don't know.
It's gonna hatch in you know, uh
whatever the normal
[The Watcher] In an instant, Howard
and Darcy The Duck's whole world changed.
Little did they know
their child was destined
to change everyone else's too.
[The Watcher] Time.
Space.
Reality.
It's more than a linear path.
It's a prism of endless possibility,
where a single choice
can branch out into infinite realities,
creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.
I am the Watcher.
I am your guide
through these vast new realities.
Follow me and ponder the question
"What if?"
[KISS "I Was Made for Lovin' You" playing]
[The Watcher] And to think a romance
that could change the world,
all began at a party.
An intergalactic blowout thrown
by the party prince of Asgard himself
Huzzah!
- that introduced Earth to the stars
- [people cheering]
- and Howard The Duck to Darcy Lewis.
- [camera shutter clicking]
Well, it's happy hour.
Want some half-priced nachos?
Okay, fine, Duck. But this is not a date.
[The Watcher] She was right.
It was so much more.
I now pronounce you Darcy, and uh, Duck.
[The Watcher] But Howard and Darcy's lives
weren't the only ones changed
by Thor's Midgard rager.
The party may have ended
but the guests never left,
as the worlds of Earth and the Cosmos
became forever intertwined,
just like Howard and Darcy.
[Howard the Duck and Darcy singing]
I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
You were made for lovin' me ♪
You know that! ♪
I can't get enough of you ♪
I can't get enough of you, Egg baby ♪
[Mrs. Switzler] Hey, enough! The '80s
called, they want their song back.
[laughs] That's so funny.
Or it would be, except for the fact
that KISS wrote that song in '79! A-duh!
Sorry, Mrs. Switzler, we're just trying
to put the baby to sleep.
[Mrs. Switzler] With what? Torture?
Hey, we worked really hard
on those two-part harmonies!
Okay. And I'm sure the baby loves them.
[gasps] Look, look, look. See
fast asleep.
I don't appreciate how dismissive she is.
[Darcy] Okay, it doesn't matter.
[sighs in relief]
Will you look at us nesting?
Well, we are the The Ducks.
- I guess that tracks.
- [doorbell rings]
- Huh?
- [door opens]
You've been served
- What?
- What? No.
Those charges were dropped.
With two tickets.
All expenses paid to the Grandmaster's
Grand Cruise Across the Stars.
- Hello.
- Wait! For us?
- Targeted advertising.
- Oh.
It'll be an experience
you'll never forget.
Ahoy there, Sailors of the Stars.
Time to check your worries at the gate,
and toss those inhibitions overboard
because when you're riding
on the SS Grand Master,
adventure has no boundaries.
[gasps] Howard,
have you seen this itinerary?
Couples cliff diving on Vormir
Oh, yeah, they say you can only
truly appreciate it with someone you love.
[gasps] Oh, a lava boat ride
through the canals of Muspelheim.
Wait, you don't think that could, like,
hard-boil our baby or anything, right?
Darce, you heard the lady.
This is a family cruise line.
- They know what they're doing.
- Of course.
Now come on, I wanna hit that buffet
before everyone breathes on it.
- [Bifrost whirs]
- Howard, oh, my God! Hold on to the baby.
- The baby, get it.
- [Howard the Duck] All right, I got it.
Whoa! Oh-ho!
- We're floating!
- I see we're lightening up already.
[digital whirring, beeping]
I got eyes on the package.
Inform the buyer
we'll intercept it off-world.
- Oh, boy!
- This is very nice.
This is just too much. Look at us.
- I know. Look at us.
- Lei for your neck.
Welcome cocktail to lower inhibitions.
Darcy, check out these leis.
They're not even plastic.
That is a classy touch.
Ooh, and this welcome drink.
It tastes like a warm hug,
and vodka, mostly vodka.
- Here. Have another.
- Have another.
- [laughs]
- Okay. That's not
[Grandmaster] Please, I insist.
On the SS Grand Master,
it's not a bad decision
- if you don't remember it.
- Oh, my God! Howard! It's the guy.
- I gotta fight this guy?
- No, no, no.
- DJ Foam.
- DJ Foam!
- Yeah.
- The Grandmaster.
[speaking French]
Bowing is optional.
I'm not that big of a deal.
- I take that back. I am a big deal.
- [laughs] Hey!
Really, we cannot thank you enough
for these tickets.
Ah, for you crazy kids?
Nothing I love more than a wholesome
- Oh! Oh!
- [Darcy] Uh
This must be the adorable little reason
we're all here today.
Now, look at this.
Now, what you have here
is the Galaxy's finest selection
of sitters, swaddlers, sleep trainers,
nannies, au pairs, governesses, plus
Topaz here is actually
an excellent wet nurse.
That part's extra.
All at your disposal.
So you two can enjoy
some much-deserved mommy and daddy time.
[both] Uh
I mean, he doesn't not have a point.
Mmm.
[sighs] Wow!
First-time parents?
Mm-hmm. Yep. Our first one.
Yeah, I can tell.
[Topaz] The Grandmaster's Grand
Welcome Brunch will begin shortly.
The "Grand" part wasn't false advertising,
I'll give him that. This is quite grand.
Now, of course, our guests of honor
have a special seat reserved for them
at the head of the table.
[both] Oh!
- Well, that's nice.
- Very fancy.
- The chair is well-padded.
- Ahem, ahem!
Diners and dinettes,
gather in, settle down.
- Hmm.
- [whirs]
And, uh, most importantly, raise a glass.
Hope you all came hungry,
because once you get a taste
Quite the hoopla just for breakfast, huh?
Hey! Hey, Howard, Howard,
I can't make heads or tails of this menu.
- You speak, uh, hoity-toity?
- I do not.
But my phone does. [chuckles]
Yeah, let's see what we got.
Here we go. "The Grandmaster invites you
"to feast on Howard and Darcy The Duck."
Wait! What?
Wait, wait, wait. It's "feast your eyes."
"Feast your eyes."
Okay, I guess that's nice.
- [upbeat disco music playing]
- [Grandmaster] Ah
Uh, today's special
is an entrée, uh-huh, like no other.
Born of two worlds
Born of two worlds?
a true cosmic wonder.
[explosion]
- [Darcy] Uh, Howard
- Wait, it says,
"To feast your eyes on Howard
and Darcy The Duck's
- "homemade"
- Howard!
Oh, no, is this supposed to be a potluck?
[flames crackling]
[Darcy] Howard!
- Look at the baby!
- Yep. Hold on.
[digital beeps]
[gasps] Darce, they wanna eat the baby!
No, duh, Howard,
we've got a Hannibal Lecter situation!
Oh, let the brunch begi [groans]
- [laughs]
- [thuds]
What? Oh, my gosh!
Captain Mohawk saved our baby!
Sorry to spoil y'all's breakfast, folks.
[whistles]
But I was hopin' to grab
a little somethin' to go. Ta-ta!
Oh, my gosh!
Captain Mohawk stole our baby!
No, no, no! Hey, Space Pirates!
[Darcy] What're you waiting for?
Come on, Duck!
Coast clear, let's get to the life rafts!
All right, here we go!
Howard, are you sure you can fly this?
Are you kidding? I'm a duck.
I was born to fly. Strap in.
- [Darcy grunts]
- [metal clanging]
[Darcy] Oh, move over!
[Howard the Duck] Faster, baby! Faster!
We almost got him!
Aah, come on, get it together, Darcy.
This is just like Galaga.
[both screaming]
[Darcy] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What?
- Aah!
- It just It just disappear
- But they were right
I don't know what we were thinking.
Nothing good ever happens on a cruise!
- [sighs]
- I'm sorry.
This was a mistake.
Our baby is gone.
[sighs wearily]
We had one job.
And we failed.
What? What are you doing?
Calling the fuzz!
Clearly, we can't do this on our own!
Um, it's about the Convergence case, sir.
This couple could be the lead
we've been waiting for.
And what did you say their name was?
- That would be the The Ducks, sir.
- Huh?
[Darcy] What the hell
is going on, Director?
First the Grandmaster, now the Ravagers?
Why are all these people after our baby?
I assure you, Mr. and Mrs The Duck,
recovering your egg has become
S.H.I.E.L.D.'s priority number one.
Oh, yeah? You and everyone else
in the galaxy, apparently.
What the hell is so special
about our kid, anyway?
- [gasps] Howard!
- Ow!
I mean, besides the fact
that they're our kid.
What do you know
about the Cosmic Convergence?
Wait. The Convergence?
- Wasn't that on my due date?
- Exactly.
And many believe
the planetary alignment was a sign.
The birth of a great new power.
You think it's our child?
I guess, deep down, I always knew
our little champ
was destined for big things.
[Coulson] Uh, a word, sir.
[murmuring]
our satellites picked up
a Ravager ship making the jump
out of the Cat's Eye Nebula.
It could indicate
they're meeting with The Collector.
Hm.
Best you leave this with the experts,
Mr. and Mrs The Duck.
We'll see to it your Egg stays
out of the wrong hands.
Fury out!
Screw this!
Well, I'm not waiting for the five-oh.
If the Ravagers are workin'
for The Collector,
then we know where they're headed.
- Where?
- Knowhere.
- What?
- Knowhere.
Well, they've gotta be going somewhere.
Knowhere.
- Howard?
- Knowhere.
Where are they going?
Milord Yondu Udonta,
I present to you, Kaecilius,
Master of the Dark Arts.
Only in silence
can you hear the whispers from the Dark.
[Yondu] Oh-ho! Whoa!
What happened to The Collector?
He's been collected.
Trapped inside the Mirror Dimension.
But we knew the most powerful relics
in the Cosmos
always seem
to find their way here eventually.
Listen, man. Word on the street here
is that this egg
is a pretty hot damn commodity.
I got offers comin' in from Dark Elves
and an Olympic God.
You get what I'm sayin'?
So, our price just went up.
I'm sorry, Captain,
but Dormammu does not come to bargain.
[Carina chanting magic incantation]
[chanting magic incantation]
[Yondu screams]
[people continue chanting]
[Howard the Duck] Jeez, easy, Darce.
The wall, the wall.
- [Darcy] It's fine!
- Oh, oh!
[Darcy] Quiet, Howard!
You know I can't park
when someone is watching!
I'm lookin' away.
That was great, babe. Wow.
[Darcy groans]
Whoa, can't believe you escaped
through the sewage tunnels.
[groans]
You won't even use a public restroom.
I'm not proud of it.
I did what I had to do.
- Shh! Howard, I hear something creepy.
- [indistinct chanting]
Do you hear that?
- Yeah, it's very creepy.
- It's very creepy!
[all chanting]
- [Darcy] Howard!
- [quacks]
[chanting in unison]
What in the name of Eyes Wide Shut!
[both mumbling]
- Dormammu.
- Dormammu.
- Yeah, that is right.
- Crushin' it.
[gasps] That's our baby!
Oh, no! There's gotta be
something we can do!
So, uh, excuse me.
What's the deal with the magic act?
We know. Obviously.
We just wanna hear it in your words.
Quiet! The "ensoulment" is about to begin.
- Ensoulment?
- Ensoulment?
Behold, our Dark Master, Dormammu!
[chanting]
Dormammu, we present to you an offering.
A powerful vessel to serve
as your host body,
from which you will be born anew.
Howard! I think
they're tryna Rosemary's Baby
this Dormammu guy into our baby!
No. No. No.
[hissing]
Did I get it?
- What the
- What? No!
[all clamoring]
S.H.I.E.L.D.! Nobody move!
I didn't do it! I'm innocent, I tell you!
Relax, Howard.
He's not here for us, remember?
Right. Right. It's just a force of habit.
[officer] Hands out of your robes, now!
You are in possession of
unauthorized level 11 cosmic contraband.
I would suggest you stand down, Director.
You've no idea what you've found yourself
in the middle of.
I understand enough to know
that the galaxy will be safest
with that Egg in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hands.
[Howard the Duck]
Uh, S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hands?
[Darcy] [laughs] Thanks,
but no thanks, my dude.
Yeah. Look, Your Honor,
I appreciate the search and rescue,
but I don't think
we're in the market for childcare.
Who the hell are these two?
[quacks] We're the parents.
I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. The Duck,
but S.H.I.E.L.D. can't entrust
a being this powerful
to a first-time mom and a gambling addict.
- Hey!
- Recovering gambling addict, thank you!
I got the chip. That's the wrong chip.
Coulson, carton it.
It appears you need some help
reorienting your perspective.
- I don't like it!
- [indistinct shouting]
If that's how it's gonna be
- [screams]
- [all clamoring]
For Dormam [grunts]
Get it, get it!
- Get it! [screams]
- Get it! I got my
Huh?
- [both sigh]
- All right.
[panting]
Let's go. [pants]
Do you hear that?
- Oh?
- Oh-ho-ho!
Ask and you shall receive.
I didn't hear you ask anyone.
Well, I was askin', babe.
You know, in my head.
Breaking Space News,
Terran defense force, S.H.I.E.L.D.,
has issued an Ivory Alert
for a missing cosmic relic,
last seen leaving Knowhere
in a Sakaaran vessel.
[laughs] Well, look at us,
like an intergalactic Bonnie and Clyde.
Have you seen that movie, Howard?
It does not end great for them.
Look, we need to find someplace
where we can lay low.
Not to worry. I know just the place
where we can chill.
For too long, Jotunheim has been
relegated to the shadows.
But with this,
the Nine Realms will have no choice
but to bear witness
to our glorious purpose.
Right here at the Jotun Slopes
luxury hotel, resort, and casino.
The future of intergalactic winter sports.
That's pretty cool, right?
I mean, my father's not
100% on board just yet,
but, you know, I'm gonna get him there.
Dude, we didn't come here
for a sales pitch. We came for your help.
You know, I thought so,
and let me just cut to the chase.
I can't wait to be your baby's godfather.
I'm so honored. Thank you.
This means the world.
- Is this guy serious right now?
- Uh.
[laughs] Listen,
as swell as that offer is
- Yeah.
- Really, we're very touched.
What we need right now is shelter.
We're kinda on the lam
from a couple of cops.
- And sorcerers.
- Pirates, too.
So, what do you say? Can you help us out?
What're you talking about?
You're my brother from another mother's
old lady's sister from another mister.
Uh
You're practically family.
[chuckles nervously] Thanks, man.
I mean, it has been a long trip,
and we have not been able
to catch a break.
Oh! Is that guests already? Hang on, wait,
our soft opening isn't for a few days.
I don't think they're here for you.
Mr. and Mrs. The Duck,
I told you to leave this to us!
Ah, Sir Nicholas Fury!
[chuckles softly] Let's go!
Quickly. Quickly.
Oh, Father!
So much for this grand opening
of yours, my son.
[chuckles] These are my friends.
See them to safety, yes?
Or we can take this
- Dad! What are you doing?
- No, no, no!
- Give it back.
- And return Jotunheim to its former glory.
No! No return to former glory!
- This is embarrassing!
- S.H.I.E.L.D.!
- Nobody move!
- Dad!
Surrender the artifact!
My brother from another mother
will not look kindly on this.
[thunder rumbling]
See? I told you.
[explosion]
I don't think it's who you think it is.
Kneel before Zeus!
Oh, good, you're already kneeling.
Now, where is this Egg
I saw written in the stars?
Okay, cool.
Well, we're heading south for the winter.
Never been much of a snowbird anyway.
- Darce, let's get outta here.
- Come on!
Hey, what do I got?
Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt!
Thunderbolt, thunderbolt!
That guy shocked me!
I'm comin' back for you, buddy!
Darce!
Hark, the child born under the stars
of the Convergence is ours to take.
And with it, we shall finally plunge
the Nine Realms into eternal darkness.
Get out of my way!
I am a Master of the Dark Arts!
I'm a Dark Elf.
It's in the name, you dimwit!
- Heretic!
- Thunderbolt!
Hey!
Hear me and rejoice.
Oh, no! You're not getting your mitts
on our magical kid!
What? No.
We're just here for a company retreat.
- We have a Groupon.
- Okay.
Uh, wait. Did you say "magical kid"?
- [scoffs] Howard!
- Sorry!
We might want to call this one in.
Thunderbolt for you!
[all grunt]
Get up, no, no
Mama's got you, Junior!
[Grandmaster] My fabulous Egg.
- DJ Foam?
- The omelet man!
We meet again. What're the odds?
No, seriously, I'm asking you,
what are the odds?
- No, no, no. Howard!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no, no, no!
- No, no, no!
Oh, come to Papa.
- Sparkles! Huh?
- Oh, no, we're going down. Abandon ship.
- [explosion]
- [Grandmaster laughs]
No, no, no! Howard!
Excuse me. Just makin' my way.
Daddy's got you, baby.
[all clamoring]
Faster, Howard, faster!
I'm running as fast as I can!
The Stones? Is this about the Stones?
Have you found them? Where are they?
An egg? You called me for an egg?
It's magical?
[all screaming]
Yello.
Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[groans]
- Oh. Whoa.
- Come on, Duck!
[Howard the Duck screams]
No!
Yeah! Yodelheim rules!
Yeah! The The Ducks can't be stopped!
- No!
- Hold up.
[Howard the Duck, Darcy scream]
And there goes your trust fund.
All of it?
[Howard the Duck, Darcy scream]
[both grunting]
- [pants]
- [groaning]
[screaming, rumbling in distance]
This can't be it, Howard. Can it?
[sighs]
Who can say?
I never would've thunk a life like this
could've been written in the stars.
A girl like you
I mean, a duck like me.
Thank God that bar was offering
half-price nachos.
Well, the nachos
might've sealed the deal, but
I always knew.
We were brought together
for something more.
I always knew it, too.
[screaming, rumbling continues]
[humming "I Was Made for Lovin' You"
by KISS]
You were made for lovin' me ♪
[all screaming]
I can't get enough of you, baby ♪
Can you get enough of me? ♪
Never.
[both singing]
I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
You know that! ♪
[pinging]
Uh
Darce
- Ah, that power.
- So pure.
- It's divine.
- So beautiful.
Just as it was written in the stars.
Seize it!
[KISS "I Was Made for Lovin' You" playing]
Wow! Darce, look at this.
This kid might have some magic of its own!
Maybe we should keep singing?
Oh, I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
You were made for lovin' me ♪
And I can't get enough of you, baby ♪
Can you get enough of me? ♪
[lightning crackles]
- You all right, Coulson?
- I'm good, boss.
So, you know,
what do you think of the resort?
There's There's too many of them.
No! There's gotta be
somethin' else we can do.
[both groaning, grunting]
Howard, the baby!
[cracking]
[all gasp]
[all screaming]
Okay, okay, this was fun,
but I have an orgy to get to.
[all screaming]
[gasps] Um, Howard?
And to think I was worried
you wouldn't be able to protect her.
Yeah, yeah. She's a natural-born slugger,
just like her old man.
Oh, no need for that. I was wrong.
Power that great
is safest with its family.
You guys got this.
Fury out!
Hi, guys. Hi, hi.
Listen, I've talked it over with my father
and to make amends
We'd like to comp you
a room at the lodge. And
Honestly, it's the least we could do.
Really, my friends. We insist.
Full minibar.
Mm.
What do you think, babe?
Never been one to turn down a free trip,
but there's only one place in the world
I wanna be.
[The Watcher] Even in an endless universe,
there's no place like home.
And parents
are the greatest heroes of all.
Aw. Our little Byrdie. She's perfect.
Yeah. She is, isn't she?
All right, like we rehearsed.
Step
- Step. And step. And step.
- Step. And step. And step.
- You get the door.
- Fine.
[Byrdie crying]
- No!
- Oh, God. Did you do the bottle?
- You're supposed to do the bottle.
- No, the bottle's fine, Howard.
No, it's way too hot.
You can't give a bottle that hot.
It's the blanket. She hates the color!
Why'd we get her this color?
[pleasant instrumental music playing]
[theme music playing]