What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e07 Episode Script

The Return

We have just returned from the talkies.
They should never have added sound.
There was pop music and people
talking all the way through it.
We had to watch it like this.
I mean, it was better, but I
had no idea what was going on.
- I like to read when I'm watching the pictures.
- And then I can
- (ECHOING): Laszlo.
- Hello?
- Hello.
Do you hear this? There is a
voice coming from the sewer.
LASZLO: "Laszlo". It's saying my name.
You won't be able to hear
that 'cause you don't have
the finely attuned ears that we do.
Excuse me, good evening.
Are you in the sewer?
- Yes, it says.
- Oh.
Come into the sewer.
- In the sewer?
- Yes, yes.
I don't think so, me old boy.
Come. Please.
We're in a sewer.
Quite why we're in a
sewer, I've no idea.
Because we've been
invited here, darling.
What, to walk through
a shit pipe? Please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What in hell's house was that?
Show yourself.
- NADJA: Hello?
- LASZLO: Be you vampire?
- What was that?
NADJA: Huh? Hello? Excuse me.
We mean no harm, we're just
w-walking in your shit pipe.
Don't worry, my darling,
I shall protect you.
You're just pushing me in front of you.
- I know what I'm doing.
- What, putting me in front
- to get the danger first?
- Who is that?
LASZLO: You're kidding.
Simon the fucking Devious.
Yes. It's me. (CHUCKLES)
I was never in any doubt.
You just said you
didn't know who it was.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
COLIN: One of the best ways
to drain people's energy
now-a-days is via the Internet.
This woman is a astrophysicist.
"Actually, this is not how space works.
Read a book".
Now I just wait
- for the comments to come in.
"Hey, can you mansplain any louder?"
Yeah, sure.
These are all different
accounts that I have set up.
The energy you get this
way isn't quite as pure,
but if you do enough of
it, it'll fill you up.
"Shanghai sucked.
Where was the Chinatown?"
"Jason Mraz is just too weird for me".
"Jesus actually hates horses".
"Childhood obesity? LMFO".
When they call you a dumbass,
you know you've got them.
- They called me a dumbass.
"Women are getting too tall".
- You can drain their energy via social media
without having to even be near them.
"That is racist".
(CHUCKLES): You are correct, it is.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, they hate me.
It's surprisingly simple
to get total strangers
completely furious with you.
- "I should get a life".
- Come, come, come in.
It's a beautiful song, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, great.
- Um
- We got to go.
Y-You remember, uh, Count Rapula,
- from my crew?
- Sewer dwelling ♪
- Oh, God.
Deeper than hell, and subterranean ♪
Hotter than uranium ♪
Playing 'em from the cranium. ♪
Yes, "straight from the
cranium". How does he do it?
I think he pre-writes the raps
and pretends they're freestyled.
And Carol.
Uh, where is my dear Carol? Is she here?
- LASZLO: Good heavens.
Ah, there she is.
A vision, isn't she?
And that is, well, about
the extent of the crew now.
Most of them left after
Are you aware that
my nightclub exploded?
- Touch the sky!
- Touch the sky.
- Shit!
- Shit!
I think my hat's probably cursed.
Yes, well, it exploded
and I lost my home.
I was found in the wreckage
by the ambulance people.
Is that you in there, Simon?
Well, I'm gonna take my hat back,
you crispy piece of shit.
- Just going to turn this off.
I don't know how to play
the piano, so I use a Zune.
- How did I survive, you ask?
- LASZLO: I didn't ask.
No one asked.
I used what little strength I had
and wandered the
sewers of New York City,
eventually connecting with Carol
- who's been great.
And then I found Rapula by
sending him psychic messages.
- Uh, you e-mailed me.
- And I e-mailed him as well.
And now it is to my great shame
that you find me here
- In the sewer.
- in Staten Island.
But what matters is that you are here.
- Yeah, listen, this has been fantastic.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's been great seeing you.
- You should come at anytime.
Nandor would love to see all of you.
Disgusting. Why did
you invite the prick?
I felt sorry for the wretched
creature. His home is a sewer!
He's not gonna come here.
He'll be too embarrassed.
He has some dignity, at least.
SIMON: Well, well,
well. We beat you here.
We have visitors, so
that's a nice surprise.
We took the sewers, of course.
It's a straight shot from our place.
Now we are here in your lovely home.
- Carol. It is lovely.
These are our hosts. Be nice.
And to reiterate, do not eat.
- If possible.
How do you resist?
Well, it used to be difficult to resist,
but after a while, you start to wonder
why hasn't anyone eaten him?
He's like the last doughnut
in the display cabinet.
- Carol. Carol!
Do not eat. Something wrong.
- Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
- NANDOR: You want to show Carol your room?
No. I don't think she'd like that.
- Would you like to see Guillermo's room?
She's going to eat him
if she goes to the room.
Okay, probably better not.
LASZLO: We keep spare coffins down here.
There might be something,
if you're lucky.
Come this way.
SIMON: Oh, that would be so kind.
- Ah.
- Oh.
- Hello, Elvis.
Mm ♪
- Hey.
- I made him into a vampire
back in the 1970s.
He sometimes uses this room,
which you can see, he's
doing some recording.
- So it's probably best if we
- Hello, The King.
Yeah, yes. Back up the stairs.
- Sorry, Elvis.
- It's all right.
Drinking that big ol' blood, baby. ♪
SIMON: Really, we'll sleep anywhere.
In the rafters. I could
construct a makeshift coffin
out of discarded planks.
Uh, honestly, you are
just such a true friend.
It is very sad to see
Simon so decrepit and weak.
No, it's not.
It's about time he ate shit.
It's partially our fault.
Because of your bloody
cursed, stupid hat.
It's ruined him.
That thing makes men go crazy.
Well, we needn't worry
about that anymore.
We don't know where the hat is.
- Right?
- Well, exactly. Exactly.
The hat is gone, so we
don't need to worry about it.
- Thank goodness.
- Yep.
There's some kind of human nerd
who is telling people to ignore me.
I mean, he's getting my accounts
suspended left and right.
This will not stand.
I mean, he's stealing my food now.
He just told people that I
live in my mother's basement.
"Actually, I live in my
own basement, dumbass".
Oh, no. H-He's getting to me.
Simon the Devious, he thinks
I don't know what he's up to,
but I do.
There he goes.
Follow me. Quick, quick, quick, quick.
Look. Running away.
Ah He's only here to steal my hat.
I got you.
(SHUSHES) He's gone into the cellar.
We need to catch him in the act.
There you are!
- The game's up, old chum.
- Oh
Nothing's changed since New York City.
- I don't know what you're talking about
- Really, you smug bastard?
What's behind your back?
Just the rope, I think.
Show me.
- Get in the hall.
- Laszlo, I
- What's going on?
- Everyone come down.
Th-There's been a misunderstanding.
- What is it? What is it?
- LASZLO: This.
- This thief.
- Thief? Chop his hands off.
Don't embarrass him.
Laszlo, my love. He's not gonna get me.
I'm yours, baby. Chill out.
- I'm yours forever.
- Uncover that now.
I-I'd really prefer not to, if possible.
Yeah, I bet you wouldn't.
- Well, look at that.
Lovely. Very
Very cool.
- NADJA: Gorgeous.
- LASZLO: What the fuck is it?
NANDOR: Yes, what is it?
It's a bat.
I made it myself from sewer trash.
It's just a small gift to say thank you
for allowing me and my
reduced crew to stay with you.
I just wanted to say thank
you for not abandoning me
- when everyone else had.
- Oh.
Simon, you don't need to say any more.
That is so pathetic and truly lovely.
Thank you.
(QUIETLY): Well, I'm sorry.
What was that?
I said I'm sorry.
Couldn't quite hear that.
NADJA: No, I couldn't hear it, either.
I said I'm sorry.
NANDOR: Well, the good news is
you get to keep your hands.
GUILLERMO: Everyone's asleep, so
you know, I get a little
bit of peace and quiet
Chinga! (EXHALING)
She startled me. (CHUCKLES)
(SHOUTS) Mierda!
Hey, Carol.
I know what you are.
Hopefully not lunch. (LAUGHS)
You are a slayer.
(QUIETLY): What? Why did you say that?
I No.
I smell the death on you.
Oh, that, that's just
my body spray. It's Axe.
Killer of vampires.
stop saying that, okay?
I'm gonna be a vampire just like you.
COLIN: Sounded like
Guillermo just took a
tumble down the steps.
- Maybe I should, uh
F Asshole.
"If my dick is a pencil,
then why am I using
a keyboard to write?"
Oh, wow. You're really
strong. (WHIMPERS)
I'm really impressed.
Don't call me that.
I don't feel good about that.
Something bad's gonna happen, isn't it?
It's just me, Guillermo.
Hello, sir.
I heard a horrible feminine shrieking.
- Were you having a nightmare?
- You could say that.
Uh Guillermo, why is there
all this dust on the floor
in the shape of a body?
Were you trying to make
a girlfriend out of dust?
- No, the vacuum broke and
- It is a very messy but cool idea.
Reminds me of Carol.
You know, how she's kind of
like that shape and that smell
Did you kill Carol?
(CRYING): It was an
accident. I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, no. You killed a vampire.
That's very frowned upon
amongst the vampire community.
- Is it?
- Yes.
Simon's not going to like the fact
that you've killed one of his crew.
- He's only got a little crew.
- I know. I know.
You must not say anything about
this to anyone, understand?
- I won't.
- Because it reflects badly on me,
- and you will be killed.
- Okay, then I definitely won't.
All right vampire killer.
Only joking. Clean it up.
You got it, sir.
I searched his name, I didn't get much.
But I found his eBay profile.
He used his actual e-mail.
Hacked that and I found some photos.
One of which had a
Pennsylvania watermark.
So I traced that back
to another account.
Found his actual location,
an Internet café in
Medford, Massachusetts.
Rookie mistake.
Also, he did DM me,
saying he wanted to kick my
ass and gave me his address.
So another rookie mistake.
Waiting on my driver now.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Mind if I sit up front?
And that's why you have to
be careful on the Internet.
There's creeps out there
that'll find out where you live.
I mean, you really need
to encrypt everything.
Okay, I'm gonna speed up.
SIMON: House meeting.
- To the foyer. House meeting.
- House meeting?
LASZLO: The fuck does he think he is?
- NADJA: No, it's night.
- It's not his house.
Ah, yes, thank you all for
coming to the house meeting.
I wanted to say thank you, for
staying here has replenished
my heart and my soul and my body.
And I am forever grateful to
all of you for your hospitality.
But onto some more difficult news.
Carol has gone missing.
She seems to have slipped
away in the dead of night,
abandoning me
- NADJA: Oh, no.
- like so many others have.
- Hmm?
- You seem relieved.
I think I know why you are relieved.
Because Carol
wanted to eat you. (LAUGHS)
(CHUCKLES) That's so flattering.
She really did not like you.
I don't know why.
Probably because he's such a downer.
- Indeed.
- GUILLERMO: Yeah, that's true.
Yes, I noticed that.
I just have one
one final question.
Where is the hat?
I bloody knew it.
I want that hat!
Which hat?
- This hat?
- Yes. Give me the hat!
- No chance, Simon.
- You gave it to me as a gift.
You took it by force
from me in New York City.
Yes, and it looked better
on me in New York City.
And it will be mine!
I could've sworn that
I left that door open.
Meet thy maker!
I caught your arrow with ease.
I caught it inside my hand.
- Do you need a bandage?
- No, it's the fucking hat.
- I'll be taking this!
SIMON: I want that hat! I want to feel
the sweet embrace of a
witch's sphincter against my
- NADJA: Idiot.
- LASZLO: Where are you, Simon?
This isn't about the hat.
- It's about (SHOUTS)
- Ooh! Ow.
NADJA: You kept the hat!
You bloody plonker!
- Fuck me.
- And now look at you,
bouncing off the cars
like a bouncing idiot.
- LASZLO: Fucking hell!
- Is he gonna be all right?
- Shit.
- NANDOR: There.
- Bat!
Once again, into the shit pipe.
I saw that he logged into the
café computer after hours.
I think he lives here.
What am I doing?
I mean, I-I'm stalking some poor schmuck
whose only outlet is his computer?
Nah, this is stupid.
It's gone too far. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, he-he messaged me.
"Colin Robinson, I know you are here.
Meet me in the alleyway, you loser".
I'm gonna teach this little beef jerky
a thing or two about boredom.
Stupid little jerk-chicken human.
This troll.
You don't look like your online photo.
Shh. I'm echolocating. Shh!
NADJA: Laszlo, stop it!
- Go, go.
- Laszlo?
You've been annoying me, Colin Robinson.
Yeah, well, you've been troll
- trolling me.
- Excuse me, I'm a troll.
I do not like the term "trolling".
Well, it's not really
up for you to decide.
- I mean, that's current slang.
- Well, I think it is
because I am a troll.
It's an offensive term.
Well, that's what it means, so
- That's not what it means.
- It does mean that.
If you need me to look it up in
Webster's and show you, I will.
- You're basically just a big
- Don't say it.
My being a troll is not
related to my online trolling.
I-I'm sorry that people
use the term "trolling".
- Don't use the word.
- But when you're a troll
- and you troll, then you're trolling.
- If you say it, I'll hit you.
- It's a bat battle.
- It's a hat battle.
Hey, yo, battly, battly,
flappity flap bat ♪
R-Rapula, no, no. "Flappity flap"?
Human form! (SHOUTS)
LASZLO: This doesn't
hurt. Not bothered by it.
- Yeah! Simon the bat!
- Bat!
NANDOR: Go, Laszlo!
- Which one's Laszlo?
- I don't know. Go, Laszlo!
- Human form.
- (GRUNTS) Ooh, boy.
- My arms are tired. (CHUCKLES)
- You can't win, Devious.
It is you who is outnumbered this time.
Oh, am I? (LAUGHS)
- Oh, shit.
You remember my crew, don't you?
There's Gunthrapal,
Klaglad the Exsanguinator
and of course, Wesley Sykes.
NADJA: You lying piece of asshole!
Impusa, the Freak sisters,
Ken the zombie of
my former accountant.
Some of our newer members,
Neil, Patrick and Harris.
You son of a bastard!
He's planned the whole
thing, look at him.
And Elvis.
- What?
- Hey.
- LASZLO: Elvis, you traitor.
You only just met him last night.
LASZLO: King, how could you do this?
It was me who made you a vampire.
It is what it is.
SIMON: Ain't that the truth, Elvis?
And Carol.
Has anyone seen Carol?
Shh. Guillermo, don't mention
that you vampire-slayed.
- It's a bad look for me.
- Sorry, I-I'm hearing you whispering.
- Are you speaking of Carol?
- Uh, no, no.
Do you know where Carol is?
Probably somewhere alive.
And so that's why you find,
on the Manhattan Bridge,
a little more flexibility,
as opposed to, say, the
George Washington Bridge,
whose steel towers are far more rigid.
Guess I thought you would
be interested in that,
being a troll, that little
bit of bridge history.
- Bridge-story, if you will.
Come on, Simon, you don't even know
why you want that stupid, stupid hat!
I want what Laszlo has.
What you and Nadja have.
You have each other and that is
- Is true love.
- enough, it's enough.
You're willing to settle,
and I envy that.
Visibly shaken, heart is achin' ♪
Rapula, you know I love the raps,
but not right now I
find it distracting, okay?
So just Nothing satisfies me.
My crew, i-it does not
fulfill me as it once did.
Uh, I don't know who some
of these people even are.
This guy, I don't know him.
Look at my ex-accountant,
Ken, the zombie.
Ah, indeed, Ken.
You don't need this very ugly headwear.
It's too big for your face.
It also has a giant curse on it!
Well, now I want it a little
bit less, but I-I still want it,
so I will oh.
Seems as though my foot
is caught in the grating.
No, it seems as though my foot has fused
with the metal when I
transformed from a bat.
Ooh, boy.
- Ooh, it's quite
- LASZLO: You know what?
- That looks quite
- This is disgusting.
quite grisly and intense.
You keep the hat.
- Just keep it.
- It's quite painful.
- LASZLO: We're off.
SIMON: Ooh, I seem to be sinking.
Count Rapula, please help me.
I'm sorry me and the
crew ain't enough for you.
Oh, I've hurt Rapula and the whole crew.
What's all this talk about
you not being fulfilled by us?
I-I didn't mean that, Elvis, please.
- Oh bye. I'm finished.
- Please, Elvis.
What Neil? Patrick? Harris?
No, you can't even make
eye contact with me.
You wait here. If that
hat reappears, grab it.
Carol? What about Carol?
Guillermo didn't kill her!
Why would you phrase it like that?
Did you see how I threw
the suspicion from you?
- No, you threw the suspicion on me, Master.
- SIMON: Help.
- Help me, please.
- Damn it.
Is he gonna drown down there?
Why are you so interested in
how vampires are killed now?
I'm not.
I'm just, I just asked a question.
COLIN: And so, I just
would like to apologize
for any hurtful things
that I may have said to you.
And, uh, oh, look, the sun's coming up.
Don't you knuckleheads
turn to stone when the
Yep, there it is.
Guess I kept you talking
too long. (CHUCKLES)
The sun came up.
This guy turned to stone.
Sorry, Fred Mercury,
but I am the champion.
Let me hold you tight, my love ♪
It's not easy ♪
I want to hold you every day ♪
So that I can fall in your love arms ♪
It's not easy ♪
Darling ♪
You've made me lose my mind ♪
It's not easy ♪
I want to lose my mind every day ♪
So I can fall into ♪
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