What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e08 Episode Script


[woman] Cause precedes effect.
Effect leads to cause.
The future is fixed in exactly
the same way as the past.
[owl hooting]
Get it, son.
- [growling]
- [gasping, grunting]
["Come On Eileen" by
Dexys Midnight Runners playing]
- What the blazes? You've got to be kidding.
- I didn't say anything.
- Please, just
- Shut up. I'm not talking to you, jogger man.
What was the name of that song?
- [mumbles]: "Come On Eileen."
- Speak up.
"Come On Eileen."
- From when?
- 1982, maybe?
Like hell it was.
- Come on Eileen
- I've been robbed. I say robbed!
- NANDOR: What is the great emergency?
- Shush.
Someone has stolen one of
Laszlo's songs that he wrote.
- Did you really write "Come On Eileen"?
- Yes, I did.
I wrote this melody in 1852.
It was called "Chum on Irene."
An ode to the local
fishmonger's missus, Irene.
Charming lady. My darling, will
you tell him to turn that off?
- Silence this machine.
- [music stops]
I've been shit on
from a great height.
- [doorbell rings]
- And it's not the first time.
- Tell them about
- "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."
- I wrote that song.
"For I'm a Jolly Good Fellow."
That's what it was
originally called.
I'm. Not he or she. I'm.
[Laszlo speaking in distance]
- Hello.
- Greetings.
Is Nandor at home?
Who are you?
I'm his familiar, Benjy Everett.
Nandor's gonna make me
a vampire.
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
Don't sing if you want to live long
They have no use for your song
You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
You're dead and out of this world
Now your hope and compassion is gone
You sold out your dream to the world
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead.
You're dead and out of this world.
Such a wonderful surprise.
- It's
- [whispers]: Benjy.
- How long has it been?
- 40 years, Master.
40 years. Wow,
you haven't aged a bit.
Benjy was my familiar
for a time during the 1970s.
He was fine, but he was quite vocal
about his desire
to become a vampire.
So irritating.
I couldn't take it anymore,
so I hypnotized him
to forget about us here.
Then I left him
in a rest stop.
In Delaware.
Don't feel bad for me.
- I don't.
- I've had an outstanding life.
Got to thank my missus for that.
- Paula saved me. She found me
wandering around - Aw.
at a rest stop in Delaware,
high on drugs, talking ragtime.
She got me cleaned up.
Helped me land a job
in the insurance game.
That's a fantastic industry.
But how did you find your way
back here?
Paula got me to try Lumosity.
Keep the brain sharp.
This is a herb or elixir
- It's an app on the phone, Ma
- Shh. Let him talk.
It's an app on the phone.
After about a week on it,
all these
memories came flooding back,
- Aw, shit. Mm.
- Staten Island,
Nandor, Laszlo
- Memories.
- Nadja,
that Dilbert-looking guy
BOTH [quietly]: Colin Robinson.
That's when I realized Nandor,
you son of a bitch.
You were testing me.
I'm ready to be a vampire.
But first, Benjy, you must rest.
show Benjy to the, uh,
- bigroom.
- Oh, I know the way.
This place
hasn't changed at all.
Ah! Here's another one that
was cruelly stolen from me.
Now sung in every schoolyard
across the land.
But this is the original.
Stroke, stroke, stroke your cock
- [humming along]
- Hurry, make it cream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
- Ah, ha, ha, hee, hee.
- Life could use more cream.
What I love about it is
you wouldn't expect it
to rhyme "cream" with "cream."
My Laszlo has always
been quite musical.
It's true,
I can play anything,
I don't give a monkey's.
Whether it's a three-way plunk box,
- Antoine Sax's metallic clarinet,
- NADJA: Oh, yes.
- or the chimp grinder's wind piano.
- NADJA: Mm.
But I'll tell you this,
my luck changed
the night I met Nadja,
for she is
an exquisite lyricist.
Guilty, Your Honor.
Send me down.
Laszlo, I love this one.
Shall we do it?
Whatever happened
To sweet Daisy Lou
Her hoop skirt was a poop skirt
When she couldn't find the
- COLIN: Hello!
- Loo.
- LASZLO: What do you want?
- That sounded great.
Have you ever thought
of maybe performing live?
Kind of a "300 Years of Great Music"?
But no one has even heard
most of these songs.
"Witches Are Snitches."
"Horse-Drawn Carriage Full of Ass."
If you want, I can
put out some feelers.
Well, if you can sort out
a concert, we might turn up.
I'll see what I can do, daddy-o.
- Rock on.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Nothing unlocks
anger and boredom
- [Nadja singing in distance]
- quite like old-timey music.
I'm excited.
Can you believe
I slept in this closet
ten years
That's my old pillow.
God, I used to beat off
into that thing every night.
- Oh, not that pillow.
- Definitely that one.
Same sheets, too.
Hey, can I come to the familiar
mixer with you tonight?
- Yeah, sure. - My last chance
to kick up my heels as a familiar
before they make me a vampire.
Thank you, Guillermo.
It's a lot livelier
than I remember.
- Freddy? Benjy Everett.
- Benjy. Ah.
GUILLERMO: I guess these mixers
started as a way for familiars
to network and exchange
work techniques,
but it's mostly bitching.
And sad hookups.
My vampire let me drive here,
so if you
need a ride anywhere,
- or if you just want to, like,
sit and chat or - Aw
- whatever
- Is that Celeste?
- I'm gonna go say hi.
- You know, you don't even have to do anything, you know.
So she was like, "Screw it,
I'm just gonna
make you a vampire." [laughs]
- BRAD: Did it hurt?
- Yes. It did.
- Hey, Celeste.
- CELESTE: It did.
- Elmo!
- Guillermo.
- Hello.
- [chuckles]
Celeste was a familiar
that I used to help out
when she had too many bodies
that she couldn't get rid of.
Her master was a 12-year-old girl.
She's been 12 for 150 years.
I'd say her job
hasn't been easy.
She's paid her dues, and
she's a vampire now.
I am so
happy for her.
That's so cool
that you are now a
Are Is that real
I vape it. Delicious.
I mean, it's delicious to me,
now that I'm a vampire,
- but you'd probably hate it.
- Probably like it if I was.
It's not for you.
You'd be like
Hey, you're still working
for Nandor, right?
Uh, I've been there
11 years, so
11 years
Wow. Well, I'm not
doing it like that.
I've promised all of my
familiars that they'll be
vampires within eight months,
- Eight months
- I'm building
a vampire community.
We will have vampire music,
vampire dance,
vampire origami,
- vampire maths.
- Wow.
Are you fully staffed, or do
Oh, I don't poach. Vampire code.
I mean, my door's always open.
But you have to be free and
clear of your current master.
- So it's really up to you.
- Celeste.
Sorry. This-this is Karen.
- Karen is, like, dying to meet you.
- Hi, I'm Karen.
- She's, like, a big fan. - I'm so interested
in your work. - Dying to meet me.
- Dying to meet you. - Sorry.
- BENJY: I know it's gonna
happen to me.
I know I'm gonna be a vampire.
- I can feel it. It's gonna happen.
- Wait, wait. Benjy. Benjy.
Benjy. Benjy.
I think I'm up first,
'cause I've been around
a lot longer than you.
- Okay.
- You know.
Documentary crew
I want to eat you
So, so bad
- What? What's wrong?
- Nothing.
I like the end of that one,
I just feel like we're trying
to be too contemporary.
Oh, my darling, all of our
greatest hits have been songs
that really captured the spirit
of the time, like, um,
- the one about the Olympics.
- Oh, yes.
Pole vaulting, long jumping,
we're all quite impressed
Tell us, Mr. Hitler
What do you
have planned next?
I'm not sure that's aged well.
You know what
If we slide your coffin
over a little,
we could put my coffin
right next to it.
Yes, I'll get
right on that, Benjy.
- [sighs]
- [knocking]
Excuse me, Master, may I
speak with you in private?
I would like that. Uh, Benjy?
Leave us.
This sounds important.
- I got to take a leak, anyway.
- You do that.
Thank you for that, Guillermo.
Are there any places in America
that are further away than Delaware?
Yes, of course, but I need to
speak to you about something.
- It's personal.
- Oh, no.
No, it's okay, Guillermo.
You really don't have to.
If it's difficult to say,
it's probably best
- Take a seat, Master.
- Oh shit.
[exhales sharply]
[Nandor straining]
Master, are you planning
on making me a vampire?
Are you bullshitting me on this?
How is it that now
everyone thinks
they can be a vampire
I told you before,
we'll talk about it later.
You always want to talk
about it later. Well, what if
I have a better offer right now? Hmm?
- What, right now?
- Yes.
Then you should take it.
You should take it.
Well, then, I will.
- Okay, then do.
- Okay, then, I will.
Okay, then, you should.
- Then I'll take it. Okay.
- Okay, go.
Well are you
are you gonna be
all right without me?
Yes, I'll be fine.
Thankfully, Benjy has returned,
and Benjy
is the best familiar
I've ever had.
So everything will be okay-A.
As I said.
Well, thank you.
I learned a lot from you.
You're being stupid.
What was that?
Uh, nothing.
I didn't say anything.
Okay, then.
I treated
Guillermo like a son,
and this is how he repays me
I held that little guy
in my arms
so he could pretend to fly.
Disrespected, unappreciated,
I made him some kind
of glitter picture
on his birthday.
I did all kinds of shit
for him that I can't even
think of right now.
So that's why
I can't be here anymore.
Listen to me, little man.
From Panera Bread you came,
and to Panera Bread
you shall return.
- [gasps]
- Hi.
Come in.
You brought friends.
Ah. Hello.
Welcome. Come in.
Does your master still
- live here with you?
- Ugh, no.
Houston and her clique are down
in Florida hunting pervs.
- Cool.
- Everyone,
let's welcome Guillermo.
- Hi, Guillermo.
- Hi.
- [cat meows]
- And you know Sam, of course
Oh, yeah. Hey, what's up, Sam?
CELESTE: His familiar skills
are just unreal.
He did all of this himself.
The plating, the charcuterie.
Can you imagine?
With those little paws.
He's a genius.
- Oh.
- Sit.
Welcome, everyone.
Your presence is a blessing
and a privilege.
So I just have a few rules.
Number one, listen.
Because we are here to grow.
- Yes, Master. - No "master."
I don't believe in that bullshit.
We don't do that here.
It's okay, you're new.
And one final thing.
Since Guillermo was the last one here,
it's his turn to go get the Shake Shack.
- Really? Shake Shack?
- Yes.
- What should I get?
- Get Shake Shack.
- Shake Shack for everyone.
- Yeah.
- [laughing]
- CELESTE: Hurry.
Let's take this furniture
- I don't like it anymore.
- Okay. Totally.
Anytime tomorrow, Benjy.
I'm sorry. I tweaked
the old back last week
- playing golf with the grandson.
- I'm not interested.
Might be easier if I just
go get you a new pair.
- Do you have five bucks?
- That's not what shoes cost anymore.
What happened to those
white platform shoes?
- I gave them away to a homeless.
- You looked so tall in them.
- Well, they were stupid.
- So, what do you boogie in?
- I
- You can't boogie in these.
I don't boogie.
- Nobody boogies anymore.
- Oh.
- What are you doing?
- You got me thinking
about playing golf
with my grandson.
- [groans]
- You got to see this kid.
He swings a club
like a young Tiger
- Tiger.
- Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods.
That's the fella.
I don't even know
what "jolf" is,
but I know his name
is Tiger Woods.
Where the hell's his picture?
That's my finger.
That's my finger.
That's my finger.
My baby's gone, got me feeling so low
My Lindbergh baby,
where did he go?
Laszlo, it is too fast.
- It has to have a ballad tempo.
- No, it doesn't.
You seem to forget
that I am the tempo king.
Oh, well, Your Majesty, please,
may I take some tea with you
and ask you to slow it down
Nadja, if we slowed this down,
it would stop forever and a day.
I am now remembering why
me and Laszlo haven't
collaborated in decades.
Because sometimes he can be
a giant dipshit with no taste.
LASZLO: She does have a way with words,
but sometimes those words
drive me fucking insane.
You haven't had
an original idea since 1925,
when you decided
to go down on me for the
first time in 200 years.
- Biggest mistake I ever made.
- [gasps]
You said I tasted
like goats' cheese.
Anyway, how dare you?
I was doing the bloody disco
a hundred years
before any other fucker.
I gave you that idea.
Colin Robinson,
this is a private conversation.
Sorry, I I just
wanted to pop in and say
- be sure you do some new songs.
- Why?
Every time I go to a rock
concert and the singer says,
"Okay, we're gonna take a break
from the hits and do
some of our new material,"
the crowd goes bananas.
- [grunting]
- NANDOR: I have been wondering
if perhaps I was
a little too relentless
with Guillermo.
Get out of the way.
Like all humans
approaching death,
Benjy is mostly interested
in "jolf".
- Watch the hips.
- Uh, yeah. Okay.
Chop that thing!
He's not as strong
as Guillermo,
nor as quick.
He's frail,
like a baby.
A big, wrinkly baby
that smells of
mashed potatoes.
Let me do it.
Sorry, Master. I'll be stronger
when I'm a vampire.
So I think I'll pay
Guillermo a visit.
Watch out, there's a slippy bit.
He must be dying
to come back by now.
- Do you like my room?
- Uh, yes.
It's very nice.
- Is that me?
- No.
- That's me.
- Nope.
That's you.
That's not
If I knew you liked
big rooms, you know,
maybe I could've moved you
into the big blue room
- upstairs in Staten Island.
- No.
I don't need more room
at that house.
You know, Celeste always comes
in here and just talks.
Well, I like just talking, too.
- Since when?
- Since
- Since
- Okay.
I'm gonna go see what
everyone else is doing.
- But I thought we were just talking.
- We're not talking.
[dance music playing]
The fuck is that shit?
Ah! And the couch
over here but upright,
- because that's how I sleep now.
- Why are you being like this?
- Come on.
- CELESTE: All the young vampires
are switching to couches.
These are my people now.
Come, practice.
It's interpretive dance,
so you need to be
telling a story
using your body.
Like Pam.
Good luck.
You don't need to be doing that.
Yes, I do.
Be kind to Guillermo.
- CELESTE: What?
- Nothing.
Can I get
You mind if I
Just going to go this way.
Fucking girl.
Why is that when I eat M&M'S,
M&M'S thinks that I have to be horny
Worked better at the Cellar.
- Thank you so much
- Colin Robinson,
what is an open mic night?
It's a prestigious showcase
of top-level talent.
They call it "open mic" because
they only open the mic
for the best of the best.
- Naturally.
- So, we're gonna switch things up
with a little bit of music
for you right now.
Coming at you from the deepest
part of Staten Island,
- let's give a warm Chop House welcome to
- Oh.
- Lass
- LASZLO: Laszlo, dickhead.
Lassezlo undNadia.
NADJA [chuckles]:
Hello, everybody.
I'm Nadja, and this is Laszlo,
and we are Nadja and Laszlo,
the human music group.
[scattered applause]
This is a love song
to my wife, Nadja.
You took my heart like no one
In this town
In this town
When we make love
- We fly up and down
- Up and down
- Up and down
- Up and
Ugh, the couch.
I hate it now.
Go. Fix it.
Uh, Celeste? Sorry to bug.
You said you were gonna start
making us vampires, quote,
"Hopefully within the week."
And that was last week.
Is someone talking to me right now?
That's actually true.
You did say that.
And I don't want
- to be a bugaboo.
- CELESTE: Bugaboo
But you know
what it's like for us.
What is this, an ambush?
Sort of, like, a timeline
- would mean a l-lot.
- Okay.
- Music!
- [music stops playing]
I'm just making sure
that the vibe
is right before I start
making all of you vamps.
- Right?
- KAREN: Well,
that's what you said last week.
CELESTE: Yeah, I'm still not
feeling the vibe, Karen.
Okay. We just need
a change in energy. I think
it'll do us a lot of good.
So, who's ready
for an orgy?
- Me.
- Anyone here?
- I'll have an orgy.
- Yeah, I know you will.
- Let's go,
- let's do it. Okay, let's do it.
- KAREN: Do you want to - GUILLERMO: No.
This song is called "Transformation."
- Bat, bat, bat
- Bat
- Bat, bat
- Bat.
We're feeling horny for blood
We're feeling horny for love
We're feeling horny for love
We're feeling horny for love.
Are you calling from afar?
No, I'm calling from my car
But how can that be?
Cellular telephone craze.
Prepare to orgy.
Close your eyes,
remember all of the criticism
you had from me,
and just get rid of it.
Get rid of it.
Throw it away.
- [pounding on door]
- GIRL [in distance]: Celeste!
- Oh, my God.
- Why is the door locked?
Oh, shit, they're back!
You guys got to get the fuck
out of here!
- Go! Go! Run!
- [indistinct chatter]
Um, Master, uh, I thought you
wouldn't be back for, like,
- another month.
- Do you have people over?
- [snarls]
- You're not a real vampire, are you?
She was never gonna make me
a fucking vampire, okay?
I just had to know
what it felt like.
[all shrieking]
Welcome home, Master.
I brought you these mortals.
Are you pleased?
This next one is a favorite
of the fella
that my wife and I live with.
He's called Nandor,
and this is called
"Let's Do the Disco."
[audience booing]
- Do the disco
- Okay, get off the stage!
In New York City.
- [screaming]
- Guillermo! Save Sam!
Save Sam!
Don't look back, Sam.
Don't look back.
- [exclaims]
- [Sam meows]
[audience booing, clamoring]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, you can't do that!
- Fuck you!
- [booing]
- The show was going terribly.
- So,
we played "The Seafaring Song"
from 1792.
- [audience jeering]
- [clears throat]
MAN: Boo!
Aruba, Jamaica
Ooh, I wanna take ya
Bermuda, Bahama
Come on, pretty mama
And that got them
really going.
- How do they know the words?
- No idea.
Down on the Florida Keys
[woman whoops]
There's a place called Kokomo
That's where we wanna go.
- We killed.
- Well, we literally did.
We killed some of them
at the end.
Such a magical evening.
- Run, Sam. Run!
- [meows]
- Guillermo.
- [screams]
I was at the orgy, and e
and everyone was attacked,
- and they're all dead.
- I don't want to know about that.
Stop gloating.
Very difficult for me to say,
so just let me get this out.
I know how happy you are
with this Celeste,
but I have been very unhappy
since you left.
I just want to know
what I can do
to bring you back home.
I want to feel more respected
and appreciated.
And I want a day off.
- What, like, every year
- No.
- Celeste would give us a day off each week.
- What?
She dresses herself that day?
Like some cave pig
- Okay, fine. Once a week.
- And better snacks.
What's wrong with the ice chips
- Ice is not a snack.
- Disagree.
But I'm not much of a snacker.
Am I not a good familiar to you
You're a great familiar.
Thank you. So you'll make me
into a vampire.
- Did I promise that?
- You did.
- 11 years ago.
- I don't That's a long time.
- That's a long time. You did.
- I Did I really, though?
- I may have been talking in my sleep.
- 11 years. I've been here
- for 11 years, all right
- Okay, well, you know
- You know, maybe Celeste would want me.
- Okay, okay, fine.
I promise.
I can't say when, but
I will. Okay?
You want to come back or not?
- That's not necessary.
- Oh. I thought
- I got a feeling
that it was okay.
- It's not.
- I got you this.
- Aw.
- It's for beating off purposes.
- Mm.
- Wow.
- Come now, Guillermo.
Assume the position.
[Guillermo whoops]
I'm not going back to get it.
When I meet my maker?
Oh, it's just so fun?
Yeah, I'm gonna tell him?
Where he went wrong?
- BENJY: Where are we?
- NANDOR: I don't know.
- But it's your home now.
- BENJY: Okay.
NANDOR: Guillermo, step on it.
You're just gonna leave him here
- NANDOR: Drive.
- BENJY: Bye.
Hey, look where you're going.
LASZLO: You took my heart like no one
In this town
In this town
In this town
- NADJA: Tonight
- LASZLO: When we make love we fly
LASZLO & NADJA: Up and down
Up and down
Up and down
Captioned by
We are Nadja and Laszlo,
the human music group.
She's a superb lyricist.
We're feeling horny for blood
We're feeling horny for love
It's the painting in which
you invented the portrait pose.
There I am,
behind this dead chap.
This was the first time
that was ever done.
- [shrieking]
- COLIN: I'm changing. I'm becoming stronger.
Oh, hey. Don't sit on that.
[up-tempo music plays]
Our women do not
consider themselves
enslaved by marriage.
And they certainly do not want to
sacrifice their present privileges
for some phony equality
with men.
WOMAN: It was 1969.
I was pregnant and scared.
I signed the affidavit
for Roe v. Wade.
She was not the poster girl
that would have been helpful.
MAN: Born-again Christian!
MAN: When you do
what we did to Norma,
you lose your soul.
People are shocked
I've never had an abortion.
This is my deathbed confession.
MAN: I had no idea
what I would find
when I went searching
for my father.
They flashed the Zodiac Killer,
and my heart stopped.
WOMAN: He believes
he is the son of the Zodiac.
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