What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e01 Episode Script

1
LASZLO: Previously
on this documentary
Colin Robinson is dying.
- (NADJA GASPS)
- (GROANS)
NADJA: I will be returning to England
to assume a position on the
Supreme Vampiric Council.
Will you do me the honor
of accompanying me on my journey
around the world?
Make sure you look after my wife.
What? Aah! No!
LASZLO: There are, it seems,
others in our world
whose existence is even more terrifying
and mysterious than our own.
Shit.
- (LIGHTNING CRASHES)
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- (CAWING)
- (CAMERAMAN GASPS)
TOBY (ON TV): Josh and
Elana wanted an open concept,
so we suggested taking down
the wall dividing the kitchen
and dining room
and using a terra-cotta
backsplash to unify the space
LASZLO: Terra-cotta backsplash
would make a great accent.
What he hasn't mentioned is that
that's a load-bearing wall.
This was a low-bearing wall
LASZLO: Oh, I've spoken too soon.
Apologies to you, Bran.
What the Ah.
Hello there. Long time no see.
- Come on in, but keep it down.
- Okay.
I've found that this is the only
thing that'll lull him to sleep.
Since Nadja and Nandor departed,
it's been just me and the lad.
I don't want to call him Colin
Robinson, even though he did..
Crawl out of the chest cavity of
the deceased Colin Robinson.
He really is his own little man,
and I'd like to keep it that way.
So, I just call him boy.
He's been growing at a remarkable rate,
and he's a wild little creature,
full of mischief and surprises.
- (WHOOPS)
- Shit. There we are. Good boy.
And not a bit the boring,
energy-draining Colin Robinson
from whence he came.
He's a good little helper.
Boy, I'm gonna need one nail.
- (GIGGLES)
- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah. All right.
Helping me maintain this house.
One.
Which, I'm sure you've noticed,
has seen better days.
He's given me a sense of purpose.
And under my tutelage,
with exposure to woodcraft,
scintillating conversation
- Good work, boy.
- High culture
- En garde.
- And, of course, swordsmanship
- Ha. (GIGGLES)
- Shit.
- (LAUGHING)
- Ah, you're getting better.
I think I can mold
this blank canvas of a boy
into the most interesting adult
there has ever been.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪♪
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, no.
It's those bastards
from the gas company.
Yes, there's a gas leak.
Yes, I need to do something about it.
Yes, if you turn up again,
I'm gonna kill you.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- All right, all right.
All these wooden boxes and shit
have been arriving
for my wife for weeks.
I do mean to send them on to London,
but I've been too busy
murdering these gas employees
that they insist on sending round.
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- (SINGSONGY): Guess who.
Where the hell did you come from?
Well, I had a little help.
- Surprise!
- My darling!
- Oh, my love.
- Every day of your absence
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- Has felt like a decade.
Every decade, a century. Let's fuck.
These guys are still alive?
- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.
Don't you want to know
why I've returned from London?
Yeah, you can tell me later.
It'll wait.
My work with the Worldwide
Supreme Vampiric Council was
so challenging but
also fulfilling, you know?
- Yeah.
- And and I gave it all up.
I had to,
because I missed you so much.
- My wide lover.
- Your wise mov (GIGGLES)
(GROANS)
You are a naughty bloody boy.
You were supposed
to come with me to London,
but you just packed me up
and shipped me off.
My darling,
I had to look after the boy.
- I wrote to you.
- Yes, yes,
about creature that crawled out
of the cavity of
dead Colin Robinson's chest.
I understand, I guess.
Speak of the devil.
Hello. Is that you, little one?
- Mommy's home.
- That's not him.
Are you sure?
Yes, that's a raccoon, my darling.
(RACCOON CHITTERING) - They've
taken residence in the library.
- Oh.
- The boy himself is upstairs, asleep.
Well, perfect, then.
- Yeah.
- I want to peel you like a potato
and mash your insides.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Watch your step, my darling.
- (GIGGLES)
The water damage has ruined the wood.
- Not this wood.
- (LAUGHS)
Shit, I almost forgot.
Before we go upstairs,
I have a little surprise for you.
- It'll wait.
- (WHISTLES)
Come on!
Wassup!
Uh, it is a saying from the olden days
that I learned on my travels.
I don't know what it means,
but I like how it sounds.
Yeah, well, it's a great story.
- Thank you.
- LASZLO: But, uh,
darling, "why haven't
we finished fucking?",
you might ask yourself.
Well, the answer is
it's 'cause we haven't
managed to start yet.
- Do excuse us.
- (NADJA GIGGLES) - Laszlo.
I know you're not a sentimental fellow,
and neither am I,
- but I have missed you.
- Aw.
And it feels really good
to be back in the house!
- Shit.
- Fucking hell.
- LASZLO: Is he dead? Huh?
- I'm okay!
- LASZLO: No?
- I'm okay.
There's a very strong smell
of gas leak down here.
(SNIFFS) - Could someone
throw me down a lit candle,
and I can find my way out?
- (LIGHTNING CRASHES)
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
My eat, prey, love journey?
Where to begin?
As fate would have it,
I got as far as
Fresno, I think it is called.
I met a very plump family on the train
from Wisconsin.
I planned to drain them,
but they were quite endearing.
They had a very particular
way of speaking,
It was like, um
(AMERICAN ACCENT):
"Oh, hey there, Nandor.
"You want to come see the Packers pound
the frozen tundra
of the Lambeau Field?"
(REGULAR ACCENT): Something like that.
The love and the affection that
this family had for each other,
it made me miss my own family.
I grew homesick, not for Staten Island
but my real home in Al Qolnidar.
So I booked passage on a container ship
to
- (LASZLO AND NADJA MOANING)
- I kind of get the idea
that you guys aren't really
listening to what I'm saying.
- NADJA: We're listening.
- Yeah, I mean,
I'm capable of doing
two things at once.
- NADJA: Faster. (MOANS)
- LASZLO: Go on.
Something about a container ship.
- NADJA: Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, so,
I hitched a ride on a ship,
and after I'd drained all of the crew,
we ran into a little delay.
NEWSMAN: A traffic jam on one of
the most important waterways
in the world.
The Suez Canal was blocked on Tuesday
when a very large
container carrier got s
Finally, I found my way back
to Al Qolnidar.
- My h
- (GIGGLING)
Oh, wow.
Look at you.
Hello, darling.
That was the baby
Colin Robinson, I assume?
No. That came from the body
of Colin Robinson,
but is something completely
different entirely.
Is it boring like Colin Robinson?
- Well, now that is an excellent question.
- Thank you.
One that I have been
vigorously applying
my scientific method to
for the past two months.
My work began with
experiments in isolation.
(BUZZES)
I dabbled in phrenology.
Disappointed. Shocked.
Happy. Puzzled.
Fortifying good judgment.
Important literature or colorful shit.
- Um
- Make your choice.
- No!
- (CRACKLING)
(GIGGLES) - And, of
course, electroshock therapy.
Again.
I subjected him to all manner
of boring imagery.
He found it just as tedious as I did.
I am delighted to report that
he is not and will not grow into
the boring energy vampire
from whence he came.
Rubbish.
Only today,
I was conducting a new experiment
Are you two having sex again?
Well, I'm not baking a cake, Nandor.
NADJA: It would be
so much more enjoyable
if you would stop interrupting.
- Or you could join in, old chap.
- NADJA: Come on.
Room in the back.
I'm tempted, but, uh,
I'll leave you guys to it
and just watch, if that's all right.
- LASZLO: Okay.
- Yes, I'm cl I'm really close.
LASZLO: You might have
to calm this down, my darling.
I'm not sure this settee can take it.
- This settee has taken centuries of our love.
- (LASZLO MOANS)
- (NADJA AND LASZLO SCREAM)
- (CLATTERING)
- (WATER SPLASHES) - NADJA: Whoa.
- (LASZLO LAUGHS)
NANDOR: Are you okay?
You want me to throw you down a candle?
LASZLO: Fuck me. (LAUGHS)
Okay, here I go.
- (NADJA GRUNTING)
- They're at it again.
Are you doing a role play
or are you really drowning?
Drowning, my darling. It's hot, yeah?
- (RUMBLING)
- Listen to this place.
It sounds like the entire house
is going to collapse
at any moment. Ay! Ay! The f
Careful, old chap,
- There's a hole there.
- (LOUD POUNDING)
What is that thumping?
It's just bad pipes. It'll pass.
I had to take
a sledgehammer to that wall,
- that wall and that wall down there.
- (NANDOR GROANS)
- Oh.
- I tried to find the culprit, but so far, no luck.
We are running out of rooms to sit in
that aren't completely falling apart.
- It's true.
- I do wish Guillermo was still here.
At least he kept the house
tidy and shipshape.
Who's he talking about?
- NANDOR: Guillermo.
- LASZLO: Who?
You know, Guillermo.
Doesn't matter how many times
you keep saying it.
He's about this tall,
glasses, shitty sweater.
Nadja, I think it's time.
Oh! That reminds me.
I have got a teensy
little present for you both.
- Oh. - NANDOR: Oh.
- NADJA: Now
Okay, don't get too excited.
It's not that good.
NANDOR: Should I cover my eyes?
- I love surprises.
- NADJA: Okay
Ta-da!
(GASPING)
NADJA: Surprise!
- LASZLO: Oh, that guy.
- NANDOR: Guillermo.
- Oh.
- LASZLO: Right.
(PANTING)
How could you ship me
across the Atlantic
in a wooden crate?
- Twice!
- Always a complaint with this one.
I packed you extra Oreos
and Pedialyte this time around,
- just to be nice.
- I've been pounding from the inside
of this wooden crate for a week!
Oh! That's what it was.
If I'd have known that, I
wouldn't have trashed the place.
Good news is pipes are fine.
- NADJA: That is good news.
- (LASZLO CHUCKLES)
NANDOR: Okay,
something is happening now.
I think he's going to make
a poop in his knickers.
- That, or he's about to start crying.
- NANDOR: Guillermo.
If you want to cry, that's fine,
we won't judge you.
But if you wish to poop your pants,
then I'd rather you
go somewhere else and do it.
- You're dead to me.
- Ah.
- You're dead to me.
- Uh
- You're dead to me!
- NANDOR: The fuck did I do?
Hm. Well, technically,
we're all already dead, so
- (LAUGHTER)
- Nad Nadja,
that is not helpful
at this particular juncture.
- Goodbye for Aah!
- NANDOR: Whoa!
- Guillermo, I'm coming!
- (WATER SPLASHES)
NADJA: Oh, shit.
LASZLO: Is he dead?
NADJA: Oh.
- (GUILLERMO GASPING)
- Bloody hell.
(GROANS)
- Well, he needed a bath.
- Agreed.
- LASZLO: Charming.
- That's better.
There we go.
How we feeling?
I'm fine.
Mm.
I've had a lot of time
to think about my life lately,
while I was nailed inside
a shipping crate for two weeks.
I got to start
looking out for number one.
That-that would be me.
In this case, I'm num-I'm number one.
How's about I fix you up some, uh
Glass of water, please.
Glass of water, coming up.
I know that you want to leave,
Guillermo.
You feel disrespected.
Much in the same way,
you disrespected me
by leaving me all alone
at a train station in New Jersey
with my dick in my hand.
That wasn't my fault.
Agree to disagree.
Anyway, that was in the past
now, and I forgive you.
And also, I need you to stay
- and do something very important for me.
- (COUGHS)
Well
- what is it?
- It's not (SIGHS)
easy thing for
an ancient warrior to ask.
Guillermo de la Cruz.
Did I say it right?
- Yes.
- Once my familiar,
also my bodyguard,
always my friend.
Based on definition of the word.
You could've stopped there.
Would you do me the great honor
of being
the best man at my wedding?
- You're getting married?
- Yes. Now, don't be jealous.
I'm actually not.
- Oh. Okay.
- I'm really happy for you.
I will accept this great honor.
Great. Good.
GUILLERMO: I'm still looking out
for number one, I'll just be
Nandor's best man first.
One could argue that it's way cooler
to be made into a best man
than into a vampire.
(CHUCKLES) Don't know
who would say that, but
one could argue that.
So, who is she?
Who is who?
Your bride-to-be?
- I don't know yet.
- What?
- I have not picked one.
- You haven't picked one?
I have been very lonely,
and the obvious fix is
to take a bride immediately,
preferably before the end of the month.
- This seems a bit hasty.
- Thank you.
And you are going to help me
pick my bride,
because that is what a best man does.
Actually, that's not
what a best man does.
- What a best man does is
- (BABY COLIN GIGGLING)
What the fuck is that?
Oh, this is the creature that
crawled out of the chest cavity
of Colin Robinson's dead body
after he died.
Why does it have a lit candle
on its head?
He could catch on fire or
catch this whole place on fire.
- (BABY COLIN SPUTTERING)
- Ah, there he is.
- NANDOR: Yes. - I found him.
- NADJA: Okay, I found him.
- He's giving me sweet little kisses.
- No, my darling.
I don't know what you've got
out there, but he's in here.
Oh, okay. Never mind.
- (GROWLING)
- It's just another raccoon. (LAUGHING)
Okay.
He has the candle on his
head for when he sneaks
down to the basement
and swims in all the sewage.
- It's very dark down there.
- What?
You let him swim in the sewage?
It helps him shake off the sillies.
Now, I have a little boy
who needs feeding.
There you are.
You like these, don't you?
Are you ready? Here we go.
(LAUGHS) - COLIN: Yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
- No.
- Now, sit.
Stay, boy.
And have at it.
- (GRUNTING)
- (LAUGHING)
GUILLERMO: Just can't
leave that innocent kid
in this death trap of a house
with those lunatics.
My mom worked a lot when I was little.
So I had to take care of myself a lot,
and it was hard.
And no kid should
have to go through that.
I'm gonna just focus on me.
Me first. Me.
You're looking at a brand-new
Guillermo de la Cruz.
After I take care of the wedding
and make sure that child doesn't die.
This is my favorite part right here
So, Guillermo has made a good point.
- Hmm.
- That we should probably make some concrete steps
into fixing this house,
because it has become
a mortal danger for us
and also for the little creature
- GUILLERMO: You mean the baby?
- (GIGGLING) - that clawed its way out of
the chest of the corpse of
our dead friend, Colin Robinson.
Which is what we are doing.
I'm sorry, but I don't know
how watching 15 episodes
of these two dimwits
installing kitchen islands
in other people's homes
is going to help us
- fix our house. - Yep.
- LASZLO: My darling,
Bran and Toby are brothers
with a keen eye
on interior decor.
They turn the most mundane property
from shabby, uh, to chic.
(NANDOR GROANS) - Tell 'em we're
gonna need a structural engineer,
a team of contractors,
and at least two plumbers.
Guillermo said that
we're gonna need a structural
- Yeah, we heard him, you prat.
- Yes, he's sitting right there.
Guillermo has decided
that he's no longer talking to you both
because of the bad way
you have treated him
- over the last 12 years.
- BOTH: Ooh.
A bit of sass from the boy.
(LAUGHTER)
NADJA: Okay, now
we are all friends again,
and we are breaking each other's balls.
- No, that's really not what's going on here.
- NADJA: Well, to fix
this house, we need money, correct?
Does anyone know if we have any money?
- Anyone? Cash.
- Uh
- Coin. Gold.
- Moola. Wonga.
- Rubles. Lettuce. Dough.
- Milk. Bread.
- Sweet cream.
- DOLL NADJA: stripper tips.
- Anyone?
- NANDOR: Colin Robinson was in charge
of paying all the bills in the house,
and now Colin Robinson is dead.
- No, he's not. He's right over
- (CRACKLING)
Oh, no, no, Colin. Colin!
No, Colin. No, no, no.
LASZLO: That is not
Colin Robinson, so
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
It came from Colin Robinson, but
don't call him Colin Robinson.
- Have a seat, right here.
- LASZLO: I do have Colin Robinson's
automated teller machine card.
- Ooh.
- But what I don't have, I'm afraid, is Colin Robinson's
automated teller machine card password.
- (GROANS)
- Any ideas?
You can't be that stupid,
can you? Just give me that.
- (NADJA GASPS)
- LASZLO: Ooh.
This boy's grown some claws.
Hey, buddy. I'm Guillermo.
- What's your name?
- Colin.
LASZLO: Oh, no, no, no, no.
The only reason why he said that is
'cause he's heard you say Colin
many times.
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
Do you know the password to this card?
Three.
Three. Can we get a-a
piece of paper and pen?
- Good job. Very good.
- My quill, my quill.
- Three-three. What else?
- Three, yes.
- One. - One.
- NANDOR: One.
- LASZLO: Hang on. - BABY COLIN: Four.
- GUILLERMO: Four.
- NANDOR: Four.
- GUILLERMO: Anything else, Colin?
- One. - One.
- NANDOR: One.
LASZLO: This is quite miraculous.
Four.
Three
One. Zero.
- Two.
- At least I tried.
- LASZLO: Bloody waste of time.
- (SIGHS)
NADJA: Do you know what
could be a very good moneymaker?
Opening up our own vampire nightclub.
Ooh, yes, a great idea.
- A what?
- NADJA: A vampire nightclub.
Like in the film Blade,
with the blood sprinklers
and the live F and S show.
- Imagine!
- NANDOR: I got it.
We rob Fort Knox.
Guillermo, I am going to need
600 yards of strong rope.
Why would you need that much rope?
- You got any better ideas?
- Uh, I just said one.
- She just said one.
- LASZLO: Well, if you two are considering
selling my TV projector monitor,
then you can get fucked.
- Hmm.
- The new series of Go Flip Yourself
starts next week,
where Bran and Toby face
their biggest challenges yet.
- Hmm.
- Guys, could we circle back?
I'm telling you,
the nightclub business
- It is a cash-only business.
- I've got it.
We break into Henry Ford's house,
- Oh
- and we steal all his money.
Guillermo, I'm just gonna need
ten yards of strong rope.
NADJA: I did learn three very
valuable lessons on my trip to England.
Number one, if you go to work
for the Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council,
do not let them
put you on a ten-year
Vampiric Planning Committee,
'cause that is where they just stick
Z-list and C-list vampires
to just sit around,
talking about boring admin all day.
And that is why the focus
of our five-year plan
should be to form a variety
of subcommittees and study groups
NADJA: And the
second thing I learned is,
as a woman, sometimes you do need
to use your special voice to be heard.
I was too afraid to use mine in
the Vampiric Council meetings,
and I deeply regret that.
Unless anyone has
anything else, I think we can
If I could?
I have prepared a little pitch.
Another way we could
possibly go with our
- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
- five-year plan.
I have just two words for you.
Vampire nightclub.
And that's the other thing I learned.
I just really want to open
a vampiric nightclub!
I mean, come on.
It's a no-brainer.
Oh, Nadja, every new vampire
comes up with this idea,
and it's not what we do here.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you for your time.
And so that is when I decided to quit
the Worldwide Supreme
Vampiric Council and come home.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
You're all vampires.
Just go to the bank
and hypnotize the teller
Enough!
- Whoa! - Whoa!
- GUILLERMO: Shit!
- (HIGH-PITCHED TONE) - (MUFFLED): Whoa!
- (MUFFLED GROANING)
(TONE STOPS) - (GROANING
BECOMES CLEAR) - (CLEARS THROAT)
I am telling you, we are going
to open a vampire nightclub.
- Any questions? - Works for me.
- Fine and dandy by this boy.
What?
So, was it great being back home
in Al Qolnidar?
No, it was not.
I returned back to my village,
and it was exactly how I left it,
except everyone had become vampires.
So, wasn't it nice
to be among your own kind?
I hated it.
If everyone is a vampire,
there's nothing special
about being a vampire.
It was not good for my mental health.
- Are you two tits coming or what?
- NANDOR: Yes,
yes. There's no need to shout.
- Oh.
- NANDOR: Oh
Hello?!
- Guillermo, get the lights.
- NANDOR: Guillermo,
- get the lights.
- LASZLO: Gizmo, get the lights.
Why do I have to still do it?
Oh. (SHUDDERS)
- GUIDE: There you are.
- LASZLO: Shit.
What the hell are you doing?
Just sitting here, waiting
for you guys to come back.
- For a year?
- What? A year?
- (NADJA COUGHS)
- Oh, wow.
Guess I was just so afraid if I got up,
that would be the moment
you would come in.
You know? So I just waited.
- (JOINS CRACK)
- (SCATTERED GROANS)
Well (CHUCKLES)
We have a lot of Council
business to catch up on, huh?
Actually, no.
No more business as usual.
- Change of direction.
- Oh, that's something I really enjoy.
- I'll tell you what it is.
- Okay.
We are opening a motherfucking
vampire nightclub, baby!
Cool. Where?
Here.
NANDOR: Yes.
- No.
- NADJA: Yes.
We are opening a vampire nightclub.
And if any of you motherfuckers
get in my way,
you will surely live to regret it!
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
Make yourselves at home ♪
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
Make yourselves at home ♪
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
Welcome ♪
To the vampires club ♪
- I want you, I want you ♪
- Gonna haunt you ♪
Do you want me like I want
you? - Gonna haunt you ♪
- Gonna haunt you ♪
- I want you ♪
- I'm gonna haunt you ♪
- Wherever you are. ♪