What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e02 Episode Script

The Lamp

Our work on converting
the Vampiric Council
into a vampire nightclub is
not going well.
Stop the work! Stop the work!
The custodian of this
wonderful raw space is being something
of a total harpy in my ass.
Continue the work.
Continue the work.
Ignore her, keep working.
My voice reigns supreme.
I have been in charge
of this sacred reliquary
for hundreds of years.
You can't just dismantle it all.
We're not dismantling anything,
- we're just moving things around.
- Oh.
There is a very
specific filing system here.
Which is?
Which is everything
stays exactly where it is
and nothing gets moved or changed ever.
Are you sure you don't want to protect
your precious books by putting them
into storage
so they don't get damaged
by my blood sprinklers?
Blood sprinklers?
No, no, no. This is not right.
Put it all back.
You can get fucked. This took hours.
Oh, I wasn't talking to you.
What the fuck?
Fucking wraiths.
Anything you can do,
my wraiths can undo.
This conversation is over.
Which one's yours?
do not own a dog.
I only come here to speak to you.
My search for a new wife has
not been going so great.
I used to have 37 beautiful wives.
But that was hundreds of years ago.
Now I have no one.
But I have a plan.
I secretly smuggled back
850 pounds of ancestral treasure
from Al Qolnidar.
I thought my ancestral treasure
would make a very impressive dowry.
But it seems,
for modern women,
it's just not enough.
I am not a creep.
I'm just a very powerful
and ancient warrior
who wishes to marry you.
So I'd like you to come back to
the basement of my mansion and
examine my massive dowry.
So, here I am,
surrounded by all
my secret treasures
but without a wife to share them with.
And, yes,
I have kept my secret treasure secret
from even my housemates.
No one will ever know
the precious riches
- that I have hidden deep
- Master?
What the fuck? Guillermo?
How did you get in here?
The door was locked.
Wh How long have you had
this secret room for?
Whoa. Look at all this stuff.
Is this stuff real?
Sure, just come on down
to my secret treasure room,
why don't you? Don't touch that.
- Ow.
- Of course it's real.
The aggravations are endless.
I am paying a full crew
of workermen to do nothing.
- You know what I think this stairway needs, Tobe?
- What's that?
Hey, I bet they do
a shiplap accent wall.
- Watch.
- A shiplap accent wall.
Man, come on, these guys have,
like, two go-to moves at best.
No, that's where you're fucking wrong.
Bran and Toby choose to use shiplap
because it has the perfect
amount of artistic flair
for any aesthetic.
Also, not a budget-buster.
Did you want to do shiplap
on this wall?
- Where?
- Just, like, right over here?
Well, if you've got some.
Every time I persuade
the workermen to work,
The Guide and her wraiths undermine me.
- Hey. Hey!
- Whoa, whoa!
I told Nadja it wasn't safe for
her crew to be working here, but
she doesn't listen.
I have tried using the carrot,
as one does
with a stubborn donkey,
but now it is time for the stick!
I must ask you about some of the things
I overheard them saying
when I was working in, um,
England at the Supreme Vampiric Council.
Did they speak about me
and my dedicated work here?
- I shouldn't say, no.
- Oh.
Okay, I'll tell you.
Yeah, so, some of them
were definitely saying
that they think that this branch
of the Vampiric Council
is very much stuck in time,
and that the real estate
would probably be more valuable
if they leased it out to a
CVS Pharmacy.
Who said that?
The main one.
- Dark Lord Tyrantus?
- Yes.
The Liquidator of Underlings?
Him that's him.
Uh, okay, uh
What do I do?
Let's do this! Uh
Wraith meeting! Wraith meeting!
Hey, uh, stop injuring crew workers
and assemble for an
official wraith meeting.
All right, that's the last one.
Ah, yes.
Any woman in ancient Al Qolnidar
would throw herself at my feet
if she knew I had a spoon like this.
Well, most modern women have
access to spoons already, so
We live in a time of miracles.
What's this?
- Oh, just a djinn lamp.
- A what?
A djinn lamp.
Like in the old stories.
You-you rub it and a magical man
comes out and grants you wishes.
Oh, a genie lamp.
It is a djinn lamp.
Uh, the ancient tales
say it is magical,
but like most of the ancient
tales, it is all horseshit.
- Well, then rub it.
- I rubbed hundreds of djinn lamps
as a child, nothing ever happened. See?
Well, did you ever rub it
Eh, rub, rub, rub. See? Nothing.
What is happening?!
You rubbed it a hundred times
and never thought
about rubbing it the other way?!
We are about to die,
and this is what you want
your last words to be?!
It stopped.
- Hey.
- Hey, yo
Oh, hey.
Are you a djinn?
You don't look like a djinn.
- You can't say that.
- I just did.
Thank you all for coming.
Would you like me to explain
what we require of them?
No, I'll handle it. I'm just waiting
for the rest of them to get here.
I don't want to say it twice.
I say, exactly
how many wraiths are there?
So, so many. And so many of them
are habitual stragglers!
Okay, I guess they're all here.
- Hear me, my wraiths!
- Yes
For today we embark on a new mission.
Now, many changes will be
made to this building.
And your duty heretoforth is to help
the human workers
- Help.
- And to not harm the human workers.
- Don't harm them.
- Am I understood?
All right.
Now we will organize ourselves
into work squads,
and within those squads
- we will decide who does
- Ooh, sorry, this is not the john
Uh, what did we just say?!
Oh, no.
I was worried about this happening.
You see, the wraiths and I
have been together
for so long that no matter
what I tell them to do,
they know what my heart really wants.
Well, maybe you should tell
your heart to think of some
It's all right, my darling.
I think I can deal with this.
So, logically you're prepared
for change,
yet your inner,
uncontrollable emotions are resisting.
Would I be right?
I think can fix her.
Psychology is considered to be
one of the newer sciences.
Isn't really new to me at all.
In fact, I was there at its conception.
I spent a few of my younger
years with Sigmund Freud,
while he was using cocaine
and working on his theory
that all neurosis is derived
from what he called "hand envy."
I remember taking
a steam bath with the chap,
and my towel accidentally dropped,
and he caught sight of my rather
generous John Thomas.
He shrieked "Eureka,"
and then came up with "penis envy."
Or what I like to call
"wanting of the wang."
So, how many wishes can you grant?
Do you wish to know?
- No, don't
- Sure.
Well, it's 52.
But you just used one, so it's 51.
Don't wish it.
My first thought was,
I will just wish the djinn
to get me a new love.
But then I remembered
I had already found love.
I had 37 wives, and one of them,
I specifically remember,
I really loved.
I just cannot remember which one.
- Hmm
- So, what was her name?
It might have been a he.
They weren't all women.
- You could do that back then?
- Of course.
Some of my wives were girl wives,
some of them were guy wives.
It's not that different.
- Hmm.
- I cannot remember the name,
but either he or she had
very long, dark hair.
28 of them had long, dark hair.
Hmm. I want to say Becky?
- No.
- Hmm.
How about Dalal?
I think I remember him having
a very fun handlebar mustache.
- There were three Dalals.
- Three.
You know what? Just bring them
all back and we'll figure it out.
I don't think that's the most
efficient way to deal with
Uh, is this your wish?
Yes. This is my wish.
I wish you to bring back
all 37 of my dead wives.
Very well.
Oh, boy.
Greetings, my wives.
Yes, hello to you, too,
I want to say Mina?
- Zahra.
- That's it.
I also wish for them all
to speak English.
Fatemeh said you were going to return
- when the moon was next full.
- Did she?
But we waited three full moon cycles,
- and guess what. Nothing.
- Oh, three? Sorry about that.
Which is very disrespectful
not just to me
- but to my father
- Let me go check
and I'll get right back to you
Give me one moment! Uh,
everything will be normal soon.
- How long must I stare at the?
- I don't know.
How long, Nandor?
Okay, so it's definitely not her.
Guillermo, I'm going
to need you to install
37 bunk beds in the attic.
- Keep going.
- I've been watching over
this building for hundreds of years.
I'm so intertwined with it,
I feel any changes physically,
in my own body.
What, you mean, like something sexual?
More like, if there is a brick
that gets chipped,
I get a headache.
If the steam pipes are backed
up, then I am also backed up.
Nothing sexy.
I'm just gonna ignore
most of that and put that down
to your female hysteria.
- Hmm.
- Moving on,
the thought of changing this building,
how does that make you feel?
If anything gets changed here,
something very bad will happen.
Could you give me an example?
I just have an overpowering
"bad things will happen" energy,
and it's flowing through me.
Do you mean a sexual sensation?
No, it's more like,
when you enter a room
- Keep going.
- But you have to take an even amount of steps
because the floor will be bad
and then you tap the doorknob
three times and you do it
all over again.
You know, regular stuff.
Guillermo, now is not time
for shopping.
My wives are hungry.
I know. This is the Uber Eats
order for your 37 wives.
We've narrowed it down to 32 now.
Well, what did you do with the rejects?
Those beautiful, sensitive,
poetic creatures are not rejects.
They're just simply not
what I'm looking for
- at this particular juncture, so we got rid of them.
- What?
- I-I don't kill them. I just make them dead again.
- Yes.
- Isn't that killing them again?
- No.
He re-deads them. But in a nice way.
And they go to paradise, don't they?
We even came up
with a nice way of doing it.
My sweet Nandor said
I'm supposed to ask you
for a special gold coin?
Ah, yes.
Come, come.
So they never see it coming.
And there is no sadness or tears.
That sounds like murder.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
But, you know,
this isn't just a job to me.
You know, I'm not clocking in
and clocking out.
- This is who I am.
- Right.
And if you don't mind me asking,
who were you before this?
Well, I was, um
Well, I
I can't remember.
You've no idea, have you?
I have no idea.
Well, that is fascinating.
And if you will allow me,
I have a technique
that could retrieve that lost memory.
Will it hurt?
My dear Roshni, I thought
we'd do a little quiz.
"34 Questions That Lead to Love."
Question one,
"if you could choose
anyone in the world,
which three people
would you invite to dinner?"
Well, for one,
I would love to hear the Sufic poetry
of the great poet
Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi
directly from his own lips.
Excellent choice.
And next?
I suppose my dear grandfather.
A simple farmer but a very wise man.
Very nice, Roshni.
And finally?
- And then perhaps
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes?
- Behrouz the Mighty.
A most fearsome warrior.
A hero.
- Behrouz?
- Yes.
- The Mighty?
- Yes.
Hi. Nandor said
- you have a gold coin for me.
- Yes,
I do.
You're walking down the corridor
of your mind.
Can you picture it?
- Yes.
- Good.
You walk down that corridor
and come across
an important-looking room.
What does it say upon the door?
You open that door.
What do you see inside?
- Boxes.
- Boxes.
- Mm.
- All right.
You open one of the boxes.
What's inside?
Some smaller boxes.
And each one has a label on it.
And what does the label say?
- Even Smaller Boxes."
- "S-Smaller Boxes."
Yes, I thought you might say
that. Let's get the fuck out.
- Is this a bad time?
- I really can't talk right now, okay?
- All right. Yeah.
- I'll call you back later.
Whenever you can. I really miss you.
I know what everyone's thinking.
I'm gonna be super jealous
of whoever Nandor's wife
ends up being, but
I'm really not.
I just want him to be happy.
I'm in a very good place right now.
As far as that's concerned.
that's all I will say about that.
All right. Special delivery.
Got some dresses
- and shirts and all the
- I was going to make Nandor
a shank of lamb
Do you know if he likes lamb?
I don't think he's really
into lamb, actually.
- Can you take this infant away from me?
- No
- He is exhausting me.
- Okay,
maybe in a second, Darya.
Kind of have my hands full here,
all right?
Wow. It is so great to have a nice,
nonthreatening male to talk to.
- Okay.
- Isn't it?
What is your name, eunuch?
Well, it's Guillermo,
and I'm not a eunuch, so
- Close enough.
- Cover yourself up.
Continuing down
the corridor of your mind,
- what do you see?
- Someone needs to clean it up.
All right, apart from that,
do you see a door?
- Many doors.
- Can you tell me what they say?
- "Conversation Starters."
- All right.
Uh, "Favorite Looks Casual."
"Favorite Looks Formal."
"Shame Do Not Open."
Uh, "Box Storage Number Two."
That might be a good one to get into.
Back up a second.
Did you just say "Shame"?
Let's go in there,
have a bit of a poke around.
- The "Shame" door?
- Please.
Says "Do Not Open."
Well, fuck that. Just give it a
give it a hard push.
- It's not budging.
- Right. Ah!
What's that I hear?
The footsteps
of somebody strong and powerful
coming down the corridor
of your mind to help you.
Do you see that person?
- Yes.
- Who is he?
It's Guillermo.
No, no, I said
somebody strong and powerful.
Do you see that person?
- Yes, that's Guillermo.
- -Really?
Well, he's naked.
- Hello, Guillermo.
- Uh, just get him to open the door.
- He's naked.
- Can he open the door?
He's trying,
but his hands keep slipping
off the doorknob
due to the oil
that he used to glisten up
his naked body.
Right. You know what?
I think I might take a break.
Nandor's process is, uh
You have an impressive
and powerful physique, Kublai.
I cannot wait to explore it.
But I'm afraid
I am stronger.
Even a very strong man like you
won't want to step on that nail.
You win, Kublai.
I may not remember my beloved's name.
As your prize, you get
a very special gold coin.
But I do remember that
they never beat me at anything.
Fucking Kublai.
Okay, first things first, I'd say
the two Dalals are definitely out.
They were humble
and an excellent listener.
My sister, when she was
being courted by her husband
Well, he didn't end up
actually becoming her husband.
- Mm-hmm.
- We were all certain they were to be wed, you know?
I'd forgotten how many wonderful
stories you have to tell, Mina.
But he was also, like, a
The love of my life was not petty
or slovenly
or vain.
- Saddle up!
- Or manipulative.
He's a naughty boy.
They never asked me
to shave off my beard.
Okay, she's a maybe.
This guy I don't trust. This one
never learned to read. I like her,
but she's so much smarter
than me, so
see ya!
They were warm
and wanted to be with me.
You know, Behrouz the Mighty,
all of his fearsome shit
was actually done by other guys.
My heart's desire was kind
and a good haggler.
They never borrowed my boots
without asking me.
They were merciful.
And horny.
And this, my dear Ramy,
is where the magic happens.
Shall we?
Could I get one
of those gold coins now?
My beloved had a sense
of spontaneity and fun.
Nandor, what are you hiding?
H-Hey! No, wait! Come back!
- Where you going?!
- No.
Come back!
It's just a lobster!
Leave me alone.
That was adorable.
Nasrin! Nasrin!
Hey! Don't be afraid!
Nasrin! Hey.
Where are you going?!
Do not fear him!
We are about to kill him anyway.
Yeah, she's dead.
It is a process.
You were meant to look
You can't just let him wander off.
Here, boy!
He's not a dog. He's a child.
Why are you so grumpy
these days, Guillermo?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe 'cause I'm exhausted
from feeding and taking care
of your 37 wives.
Actually, we're down to seven now.
- Little baby Colin!
- Colin? -
Oh, wow.
This little rascal really likes
to hammer holes in the wall,
doesn't he?
Between taking care of your wives
and making sure this poor child
- doesn't die
- Hey!
In this death trap of a house,
I haven't slept in weeks.
- Colin, give me the hammer.
- Hey! Shit.
Do you know that I've missed
my mother's birthday party
three years in a row?
No. Why would I know that?
I would have to know that
it was your mother's birthday
and also the things you do.
I-I really am glad
that you want to find a wife,
and I think it's cool. I really do.
- I'm cool with that.
- Oh, good.
I'm so glad you are "cool" with that.
But I already have a family.
And one that I don't see because I spend
so much time taking care of you guys,
I don't take care of myself.
I think he has fallen asleep.
I think your story bored him.
Only kidding, Guillermo.
We've had a breakthrough.
This job isn't my job.
It's my punishment.
She'd locked away her most
shameful and sordid memories
for so long that she'd forgotten them.
- I was a bad vampire.
- Yes.
I was sloppy.
I was wild.
I was a moth to the danger flame.
I led the Inquisition.
I danced the Dance of the Seven Veils.
Without the veils.
Top work.
I was, simply put,
- extra.
- It's true.
And we finally got
to the bottom of the, uh,
naked, glistening Guillermo business
that's been lurking in her tawdry mind.
Don't stop. This is getting good.
The final straw came,
the ultimate messiness for a vampire
when I slept with a vampire killer.
A Van Helsing.
I knew it was wrong
when I did it.
There's something about his kind
The danger, the depravity.
Will this climax be
the end of my story?
And what a way to go.
His fingers
that could wrap around my neck.
All right. Leave this with me.
What? Are you fucking insane?
No. No way.
It's every young boy's fantasy.
What's wrong with you?
It works, doesn't it?
- As if you could do any better.
- Just do it.
Get her to stop talking
about that fucking building.
She clearly has a weakness
for your kind.
She might teach you a thing or two.
If I do this, what's it worth to you?
Name your price.
I want to be
the nightclub's accountant.
Why not?
This makes me suspicious a little.
Well, do you want my help or not?
Eh. I mean, we do, so
- done deal.
- Okay. Well.
Yeah, I've done a lot of things
for Nandor, Laszlo and Nadja
over the years, but
seducing a vampire to do their bidding?
That's a new one.
Guillermo, I know why you're here.
But the answer is no.
Oh, come on.
Don't-don't you think
a nightclub would be
a nice, fun change of pace for you?
Yeah, sure. The nightclub's fine.
I don't care about that anymore.
- Okay, good.
- Yeah.
No, it is our
forbidden love
that I must squash before
it has a chance to blossom.
Yeah. All right, well,
nice doing business with you.
I'm gonna go.
We felt a passion for each other
from the moment we met, no?
Oops! I should have known
you had Van Helsing blood in you
when I felt that tingling
in my most private of parts.
Great. I'm gonna
- Ooh! Ooh!
- Oh.
Oh, my sweet, sweet Guillermo.
My attraction to you
is a manifestation
of a longing for my past life,
when I was a naughty, dirty vampire.
But that's not who I am anymore.
Please tell me you understand.
- No hard feelings.
- Okay.
Now I'm gonna go,
- and you're gonna stay.
- Bye-bye.
Guillermo, can you find it
in your heart
to be just friends with me?
I could use a friend.
High five.
All right. Then what are
we waiting for, huh?!
- It's a good day.
- Where'd she get that from?
Let's get this old shit out of here
and make a vampire nightclub!
What are you gonna do with the hammer?
As you can see, another patient cured
and returned to perfect mental health.
Yes, she seems very well now,
doesn't she?
No charge.
Well done, my love.
She's gone.
What are we left with?
I have found the one.
We are engaged to be wed.
This is Marwa.
Hello. I am Marwa of Al Qolni
I mean, it was obvious all along.
You know, like, duh.
Would you excuse me for one moment,
please, my little pomegranate?
Be right back.
I was lucky enough to have
the best education
I always imagined my wife
with blonde hair.
But my passion lied
in science and mathematics
I think I was thinking
a little less platinum blonde,
little more, um, hint of red.
I am most proud that my observations
- of Jupiter and Saturn
- Hmm.
You know what? I think
I prefer it just as it was
in the beginning.
Using up a lot of wishes.
Yes, I know, but let's do it.
Nothing is too good
for my perfect wife.
I am very lucky to have a man
of such intellect
to share my life with.
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