What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e03 Episode Script

The Grand Opening

Look at this line.
This is the big opening
of our nightclub
and everyone is here.
Grundwulf, you old fornicator,
don't you look snazzy?
Frau Blixen, you bitch.
To launch our grand opening,
we are going to be presenting
the one
and the only
Drumroll Richie Suck!
- (SHOUTS) Wow!
NADJA: If you are a
vampire, then you will know
who Richie Suck is.
He is probably the greatest
vampire rap artist
of all time.
He's actually sucked Richie Suck,
haven't you, Phillip? (LAUGHING)
Bitin' My Style or Sundown Funtown.
And everyone knows Throat Juice.
Gonna bust loose ♪
on the club roof ♪
sucking throat juice ♪
like it's Grey Goose. ♪
Richie Suck has not performed
or put out any new music for ten years.
It is said that he has gone
into seclusion
to work on his ultimate masterpiece.
Doing his first live
performance in over a decade
is a very huge deal for him.
And it's also a huge deal for us.
This is my club, everyone,
just so you know.
I'm Nadja,
and it's called Nadja's.
It's my club! (CHUCKLES)
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
Coming through, that's right.
Um, we're going to try
and keep these dogs at bay
for another hour or two, okay, guys?
'Cause we want to try and
build anticipation and desire.
I can't tell if she heard me.
Does anyone down here
want to see Richie Suck?
I said, are there any vampires
in this motherfucking dungeon
who want to see Richie Suck?
And you'll just have to wait
a little bit longer
and then you will pay her,
and then you'll probably have
to wait a little bit longer.
- Yay, we love to wait.
- Yeah!
Um, if any of them try
to start to kill you,
just let me know and I will send
someone down to take your place.
GUIDE: Love the pillows.
I know you haven't had a pillow before,
but they have to be soft.
Everything is in order, Mistress Nadja.
The wraiths have topped off
the blood sprinklers.
NADJA: Wonderful.
People think that a vampire nightclub
is just a 24-hour
live suck-and-fuck fest
that prints money.
- But it is not.
- GUIDE: No, it's a lot of hard work.
NADJA: Nandor.
What are you doing just stood there
like a big fat mopey load?
- Where is your undead fiancée?
- Marwa is at home.
I'm kind of giving her some space.
Can you go and stand over there
and just pretend not to listen?
I can do that.
Trouble in paradise already, is it?
It's just
Marwa is the perfect woman.
- Right.
- And I've got the djinn
to make her even more perfect.
I mean, you should see
the modifications
we've done to her ass.
- But
- Ass, butt,
whatever you want to call it.
It is now perfect.
NADJA: But the problem is
Again, the butt is not the problem.
The problem is that she is so perfect.
I am just worried that (SIGHS)
I am not perfect enough for her.
It's never too late
to do some improvements
on yourself, so as
you would be deserving
of her love, huh?
I had not thought of that.
Thank you. I will try this.
- And nice hats.
- Thank you.
It's okay, thank you.
Don't mind if I do?
- NANJA: Ooh, so exciting, ha!
- Mistress Nadja?
- Yes?
I am afraid Richie Suck has cancelled.
- Motherfucker!
- Oh, shit.
GUIDE: Richie Suck
lives in a smokestack?
NADJA: Okay, when we get inside,
I'm going to go in and scare him
and be the bad cop,
and you're going to go to him
and be very friendly.
- The good cop, you know?
- I ain't a cop.
It's a tactic.
Look, I ain't a cop
or a narc or a snitch.
It is pretend. Keep your perm on.
Open up!
Can I help you?
Where the hell is Richie Suck?
Take us to him at once.
My master is not to be disturbed.
He's resting right now.
Like hell he is.
He's supposed to be performing tonight.
I'm not inviting you in.
Hey, Tom. Just let them in, Tom.
Oh, come on. (EXHALES)
Sounded like an invite to me.
- Thank you.
- GUIDE: Move.
NADJA: Okay, you
pussy bitch, I'm telling you,
you cannot cancel the show.
What the fuck are you doing?
- Chillin'?
- Chilling?
TOM: You need to leave.
My master is way too tired for this.
- Good night.
Richie Suck, who the hell
is this jackzass?
- This is my familiar, Tom.
- Doctor Tom.
And you let him speak to you like this?
I take care of my master.
He's been traumatized
by the music business.
Okay, okay. Begone, familiar.
I'm not speaking to you.
This is a vampires-only discussion.
Right, Richie?
Tom protects me from myself,
so you need to be respectful.
- Of a familiar?
- I have a name.
Shut up, familiar Tom.
- It's "Doctor Tom."
- NADJA: Oh. A doctor?
Diagnose this.
It's a middle finger in my face.
He's a good doctor.
Hey, guys, what's up?
Before we dive in, be sure to smash
the like button and subscribe.
It really helps up my channel a lot.
Baby Colin is growing
at an alarming rate.
Check out this village
from Infinity Wars.
It's cool, right?
GUILLERMO: I mean, last week
he was in diapers, and this week
he looks like a six,
seven-year-old, maybe?
I mean, every time I buy him
a new pair of shoes,
he outgrows them between
breakfast and lunch.
But guess what? You can mod it
so it looks just like
the set of South Pacific.
- I turn the set
- Oh, no. Gizmo.
There you are. What the fuck
have you got that boy doing?
What? I didn't do anything.
He does that all on his own.
- LASZLO: I told you I wanted him to grow up
- See?
To be an interesting son of a bitch,
practicing fine art and culture.
So how come he's still
doing this boring shit?
To him, this isn't boring.
He's just like any other kid
who likes Legos and Roblox
and Nerf guns and musi
- All that stuff.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. And musi?
- What?
- And musi?
What were you going to say?
He really loves musical theater.
Oh, no.
What hath the dark lord wrought?
Stop, okay? Maybe it's good for him.
Maybe it's good for him. It's
a good art, no different than
literature or the cinema
It is not like any other art.
Musical theater is the lowest
of all entertainments.
It's a gutter pantomime,
performed by half-wits
with painted faces,
enjoyed by lower wits.
Maybe some.
But have you ever seen Rent?
From you? Not a penny.
Anyway. Shut up. I forbid it.
No, he's a child. This is who he is.
- And you have to learn to acce
- Don't you fuckin' tell me
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey, buddy.
- Great to see you.
- Guess what? Come look at this.
Wow, big time studio here.
Yeah, I got two subscribers.
You got two subscribers?
Someone's a star.
- ♪♪
- LASZLO: I'm exposing my boy to danger.
Namely, art theft.
No boy of mine's gonna be a
pasty-faced musical theater nut
with a Sondheim lyric
for every occasion.
- Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
Do you know what knolling is?
It's Hey!
So knolling is this thing
in Legos where you, like,
organize all the pieces
before you build it. Oh!
LASZLO: No more musicals
and Legos. It's time to grow up.
COLIN: Once I learned how to knoll,
I threw away all my
Lego instruction booklets.
- Use this magic powder
- Uh-huh.
To find the laser alarm triggers.
Okay. Whoa. (LAUGHS)
Then, you have to avoid the lasers.
Much like this.
Oh, ho!
Oh, yes.
Fuck it.
- You're like a big Slinky.
- All right.
Then you take this glass cutter
and cut a hole in here.
- But, Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
I used knolling when I got
that Stranger Things Lego set.
I used it to make the library
in The Music Man, which is
Boy, we don't have time
for this right now.
- Let's get on.
- Okay, but, Lazzo, guess what?
You don't have to keep saying
"Guess what?"
to preface every remark that you make.
Just say whatever the fuck
it is that you want to say.
Uh, I'm sorry.
No, look, I'm
I'm sorry. What is it
that you wanted to say?
That set broke, so I shoved
all the pieces under the bed.
Okay. Fair enough. Now,
can we continue with the crime?
- Yeah, sure. Do you think that Marian
What the fuck are
you doing? I just said
- Shut up.
- Because it kind of rhymes with "librarian,"
or do you think it was so
NANDOR: I decided
that to improve
my relationship with my fiancée
I need to do some work on myself.
Hmm. It couldn't hurt.
Little things like being present
- or being a good listener.
- Don't be so stupid, Guillermo.
I wish to have
the world's biggest penis.
- I see.
- Hmm.
Of course. Your wish is
Oh, actually, can I just call
a quick time-out?
Can I have a minute with Nandor?
If you'd be so kind
as to give us a moment, Djinn.
Is there a reason why you have delayed
the bestowal upon me a giant dick?
You need to be really
careful here, okay?
'Cause these djinns,
they like to be tricky.
Yes, I have heard this.
Yeah, and if you're not precise
and perfect with your wish,
it can come back
to bite you in the ass.
Are you saying
he's gonna give me a penis
that's gonna bite me in my own ass?
What? No. But may-maybe. Yes.
To teach you a lesson.
Make sure that it's where
it's supposed to be,
and not like a random spot
like your forehead.
NANDOR: I get what you're saying.
This reminds me of the tale of the man
who wished to be
the richest man in the world,
but was then crushed
under a mountain of gold coins.
Exactly. Irony.
Not iron. Gold. Gold coins.
Try to keep up.
- All right.
- Okay.
I'm going to ask
for the world's biggest penis,
but not so big that it crushes me.
- Good.
- And
that it replaces my current penis,
not an additional one.
Or extra penis
attached to the end
of the one I have already.
We should really be writing this down.
NADJA: Don't worry
so much about the show.
You can just do the hits
and let us do the rest.
- And
- Oh. Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
You can have as much blood as you like.
- Virgin. Huh? (LAUGHS)
- No.
Just a little sippy sip?
You're not hungry, Master.
That's in your mind.
- Please.
- No.
- Just a little sip.
- It's not feeding time.
- Look
I'm sorry. (KISSES)
- Ew.
- I'm sorry. I love you, Master.
I'm just here to protect you.
Obviously, Richie is being
very much manipulated
by his familiar, Tom.
You don't want this.
NADJA: It is something that happens.
Yeah, not so much with vampires,
but all the time in the music business.
So we both thank you very much.
- I kind of want it, though.
- And we're gonna give it
- We're gonna give it back.
- Sippy, sippy.
- If you can help me
- Just a little corner, man.
TOM: You don't want it. No blood.
But we'd like
twice the money.
And we're only doing new material.
- TOM: Come on.
It's Richie Suck.
Featuring DJ Tom Schmidt.
I thought you were Doctor Tom.
I'm Doctor Tom, the DJ.
Okay. Fine. It is settled.
You will be there, okay? In 30 minutes.
I also happen to manage
a small jazz trio.
It'd be great as an opening act.
They're called the Jazzmen 3.
They wail.
GUIDE: Obviously,
we've got to kill this Tom guy.
Yes, also very standard
music business protocol,
but (LAUGHS)
Please, can we put a pin in that
until after the show?
- Of course.
It would appear the boy has no interest
in larceny or vandalism.
And obviously,
he's too young for whoring.
So to keep this excursion from
being a total waste of time,
I threw him in this dumpster,
and told him he wasn't allowed out
until he'd killed six rats.
Hey, Lazzo, guess what?
- What?
- Some dumb idiot
threw out all these Playbills.
This one's from Miss Saigon.
Did you know they used
a real helicopter on stage?
But I don't think it could fly.
I think they made it look
that way with ropes
- LASZLO: Shut up.
- Or what have you.
So we are clear on placement?
Yes, yes. It should be in the
usual place between the legs.
Yes, and not in a separate container
such as a jar or a briefcase.
And not on my chin.
"Not on chin."
Fine. So stipulated.
DJINN: Well, you know,
I'm used to the questions
about the penis enlargement
because people want to get it right.
But, uh, I have to say,
I've never dealt with two people
that are this detail-oriented.
NANDOR: As far as size goes,
it should not be so big
that it crushes me.
What about a mouse?
For a penis? I don't think so,
Djinn, you little trickster.
No, no, I think he means
should the new member be
big enough that it could crush a mouse?
That is actually what I meant.
A penis so big
it could crush a mouse
- Yes, don't mind if I do.
- DJINN: Okay.
Well, I think we're all squared.
Wait up. One minute.
One second. My client
DJINN: What they are
doing, it's correct, but, um
it's annoying.
Jazz. Ugh.
(CLAPS ONCE) Richie Suck, looking good.
- Welcome.
- Doctor Tom likes them better.
Will you please go distract
that stupid doctor familiar
for a minute?
Excuse me? Jazz. What is jazz?
Richie, baby.
Who is the vampire,
and who is the familiar?
- Doctor Tom says
Doctor Tom is a familiar.
It doesn't matter what he says.
You have let a human man
transform you from a wild,
horny, rampaging artist
into a little pussy-bitch
who "collaborates"?
What happened to
the visionary who wrote
For My Corpsefuckers?
My bloodsuckers ♪
Drain a fourtop at the Fuddruckers ♪
Bite necks and write checks ♪
Turn into a bat and have flying sex ♪
Don't call me Count Dracula,
I'll smack you, uh ♪
I'm like a Crip disease,
I'll attack your blood. ♪
Man. I really had bars back in the day.
TOM: Hey, uh
Everything okay over there?
NADJA: Yes, everything is fine,
doctor familiar boy.
Richie, this is your only chance.
Speak your truth. (PURRS)
Take back your life.
Now, show me those fangs.
You got to wear them with pride, baby.
Okay, read that back, please.
DJINN: "No substitution
of whale or other species penis"
- Yes.
- DJINN: "Party in possession of new penis
That's me.
"should be able to comfortably perform
"physical activities
"such as walking, running,
skipping, crossing legs,
- etcetera."
- Hmm.
DJINN: "Should not require
purchase of new clothes."
Now, are you sure about that one?
Why do you ask?
Ninety percent of my business
is penis enlargements.
- GUILLERMO: That much? Really?
- Oh, yeah.
And most clients don't mind
buying new clothes
- to feature the updated package.
- Hmm.
- NANDOR: Fine. Strike it out.
- DJINN: Very well.
It has been struck.
- MARWA: Darling?
I'm not doing anything!
Just business stuff.
Okay, I hate to interrupt
your business,
but I know you wish to see
Richie Suck at the club.
- Yes.
- MARWA: Yes.
- Almost done, my morning star.
- MARWA: Okay.
- (WHISPERING): I see you soon.
- DJINN: Richie Suck,
- the rap artist?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my cousin granted his wish
to get five mics in The Source.
- Can we wrap this up, please?
- DJINN: Okay.
You guys said you wanted to circle back
to some concerns about the balls?
- Yes.
- Yes, let's talk balls.
Why are you sad, Lazzo?
I'm not sad, my boy.
I'm just reflective.
When I was your age,
I loved only two things:
my nanny and my piano.
And my father took them both.
Then he sent me off to boarding school
- to give me polish.
- Okay.
It wasn't such a waste of time.
I learned how to cheat at cards,
hit the other fellow before he hit me.
I also learned not to trust my father
or anyone else, for that matter.
And that took centuries with my Nadja
- to unravel.
- Okay.
What I'm trying to say is
I think Gizmo was right.
I think you're going to be
incredibly boring.
The type of chap who goes to see
revival of Auntie Mame
and writes about it in his diary.
But I don't hold that against you.
You're a better man than I am.
You were raised to be
charming, not sincere.
Really? Well, that's nicely put.
You're full of surprises.
That's from Into the Woods
by Stephen Sondheim.
- Right.
- I was thinking about it
because I want to turn
my Ewok Village Lego set
into the Giant's tree
Do you? Really?
Now, why don't we fuck that off
- and go and see Richie Suck.
- Okay.
Okay, balls in proportion
Note the changes
Very well, Master,
- your wish
- Wait.
You can't give him
the world's largest penis
by making everyone else's smaller.
Oh, very good catch, Guillermo.
I mean, well done, familiar.
I was moments away from giving
every man in the world
but Nandor a micro wang.
NANDOR: Why would you do such a thing?
It's just part of the job, I guess.
I teach lessons about
greed, desires, etcetera,
by fucking with the wishes
of my so-called masters.
But you two have bested me.
Your familiar has a very shrewd
and incisive mind
- when it comes to the penis stuff.
- Thank you.
Or you could've just said
"thank you" to me.
(SIGHS) Always so needy.
Thank you, Guillermo,
I appreciate all your help.
And every time I use my new big dick,
I will think of you
and all you've done for me.
Ah, this is your wish?
- This is my wish.
- This is his wish.
Wish granted!
Excuse me for a moment.
- DJINN: Yeah, go ahead.
Would you care for some Yoo-hoo?
No, thank you.
NANDOR: Oh, wow.
That'll do, pig.
Guillermo, come check out
the size of this unit.
(CHUCKLING): I'm good.
It's only about 20 percent
bigger than what you had.
I'll be damned.
DJINN: I was surprised
you wanted more, but, uh
Yeah, it turned out beautifully
if I do say so myself.
Guillermo, are you sure
you don't want a little peek?
No, I have to get down to the club.
Oh, okay. Please tell Marwa
that I wish to see her in the bedroom.
- Great work.
- Thanks.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Hey! Where's Richie?
(CHANTING): Richie Suck. Richie Suck.
Richie Suck.
- Richie Suck. Richie Suck.
- All right. Hi.
- Sorry, guys.
- Richie Suck.
- All right, hold it down.
- Richie Suck.
Be patient. You look beau
You don't know jazz
- if you haven't heard it yet, right?
- Richie Suck.
Hey, how's the, uh how's the home?
It's perfectly normal.
Happens to every guys.
- Can you sh?
- We are still getting reacquainted.
Don't say it here.
- Is everything okay?
- No.
The djinn tricked me
into saying that every time
I used my new big dick,
I will think of you.
- Richie Suck. Richie Suck.
- He got us.
He did.
- Eesh.
- All right. It's not eesh.
How is everybody doing tonight?
Is everybody ready to have a good time,
maybe slightly unpredictable
because it's live, but still good?
Well, then, let's welcome a true artist
who doesn't give two wet shits
what you think.
Let's get loud for Richie Suck!
Remember, be yourself. Free yourself.
- Wild in here right now ♪
Yeah, we go wild in here right now ♪
Yeah, we go wild in here right now ♪
Yeah, we've gone
wild in here right now ♪
RICHIE: Thank you all for coming out.
I've been away for a while,
and it's been a journey.
Uh, so before I start the show,
I want to bring out a man who's
been a really important part of that.
My familiar, Dr. Tom Schmidt.
Thank you, Richie. First of all
So me and Tom decided that
I need to be more authentic,
so we collaborated
on a bunch of new songs
for me to do with
the Jazzmen 3 over here.
RICHIE: But guess what?
I'm not going to do them!
- NADJA: The right decision.
- Master, listen.
- No, man.
I'm done listening to you. Forever!
No, Master, no! Ahh!
- RICHIE: Eat that bitch.
Eat that bitch.
Eat bitch. Eat that bitch.
Eat that bitch.
Eat the bitch!
RICHIE: Now, now, now,
how many of you want
to hear me do my thing?
Who want to hear me do my truth?
- NADJA: Yes, please, Richie.
Who wants to hear
some new shit from Richie Suck
that they ain't never heard before?
- Go, Richie!
Who wants to hear me do
some observational comedy?
NADJA: What the fuck?
Like, have you ever been
flying around as a bat
(CHUCKLES) and you get
hit by a drone
and you be like, "Damn,
the robots coming for us?"
VAMPIRE: Hey, do Throat Juice.
RICHIE: You know what
what is really cool
about being a vampire, though?
You ain't never got to do no dishes.
- VAMPIRE: Bring back the jazz.
Never, no dishes.
It's all skin and bone.
- You know?
But seriously, though, Grandmamas
be saying some stupid shit.
Oh, Richie Suck, courageously
working without a net.
Don't throw shit at my wife, you fuck.
It makes the live experience
more irreplaceable and fun
Show's over.
RICHIE: Hey, what the
Get the fuck off me.
- NANDOR: Out of my way.
- NADJA: Laszlo!
Hang on! I've-I've lost the boy.
Laszlo, get your
get out your hands and help your wife.
I'm trying. This men are too horny.
If you want to ring the
bell not once but twice ♪
- What the f What?
- Huh?
If you want to roll and
roll those lucky dice ♪
If you want to spend
your journey's end ♪
With sweet music and love ♪
If you want to rid this world
of men and Mickey Mice ♪
- Take my advice ♪
From the 1936 movie musical,
Born to Dance.
- When you sit down, one day ♪
- Don't fuck it up, boy.
Look over yourself and say ♪
"You're very good" ♪
He can really move.
Rap tap on wood ♪
Score by Cole Porter,
sung by the late, great Eleanor Powell.
It's so disgusting, I love it.
NADJA: Vampires have
always loved child novelty acts.
I mean, who knows why.
Some say they are
transfixed by the youth
and innocence they
themselves lost long ago.
Others just love how creepy
and exploitative it is.
But I don't care, anyway,
because the most important thing
is that Baby Colin Robinson
is going to keep my club in business.
LASZLO: I was worried
the kid was a dud.
Turns out he's got the groove.
Rap tap on wood. ♪
- LASZLO: Fantastic.
NANDOR: Bravo, Baby Colin Robinson.
Any more kids, welcome to Nadja's.
Mystical magical musical madness ♪
Take it and make
it a part of your day ♪
Musical themes of wishes and dreams ♪
Love songs anew just written for you ♪
Mystical magical musical madness ♪
Filled with the sounds
that wipe sadness away ♪
We bring a happy message of love ♪
Keep it and take it home with ♪
We bring a happy message of love ♪
Keep it and take it home ♪
With you. ♪
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