What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e03 Episode Script

Pride Parade

Our neighbor Sean has begun a bid
to ruthlessly unseat
Staten Island's rulers
so that the crown of absolute power
may rest solely upon his head.
Com Comptroller.
What the fuck is that?
The comptroller controls the
budget for all of Staten Island.
I'm really proud of
my campaign platform:
Bring the Rangers back to Staten Island.
So, I think I'm gonna win.
- Ah.
- Ah. Seanie.
Typically, in a situation such as this,
the best move is to
identify your opponents
and then slaughter them in their sleep.
Yeah, yeah, I wish, but, uh,
no, we just got to get the most votes.
- But our latest round of internal polling
has revealed that we have,
uh, a couple of weak spots.
Particularly, the gay demographic.
So we got to do something that's
gonna knock their socks off.
Which is why we are
doing a Pride parade!
- Right here in Staten Island.
- Yeah.
- Looks great.
- So, you two are organizing a Pride parade?
[GUILLERMO] I'm a little skeptical.
I've never actually been to Pride.
But something tells me
neither have Sean and Charmaine.
My lesbian roommate from
SUNY New Paltz, she's gonna
- come and do some rhythmic gymnastics.
- Oh, yeah.
[SEAN] Oh, yeah, and my
bisexual cousin Dominic?
- You remember him.
- Oh, I certainly do.
He is gonna lip-synch to
some hot tunes all night long.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Respectfully, uh, Neighbor Sean
- Yes.
- What has this got to do with us?
We are very busy.
A little bird recently
flew into my bedroom
and I've been trying
to make him my friend.
Yeah, well, uh, we just
wanted to consult with you guys
considering you're members of
the LGBTQ LMNOP community.
And we consider you
guys heroes for that.
Literally the gayest
things on the block.
I like what you've been saying.
It's been very entertaining.
But just for two
seconds, shut the fuck up.
I know why you're here.
You want us to grand
marshal your gay parade?
That's a thumbs up.
You want to start your gay
parade on our front lawn?
That's two thumbs up.
What are those vehicles called
that are all brightly colored?
- Very jolly.
- Oh
You mean chariots,
dragging the corpses
of your vanquished foes.
- We call them "floats."
- Yeah.
- The corpses float also.
- [CHARMAINE] Yes, yes, yes.
The fire department, the
wives, they've all signed up
to make a big float for us.
Really? Tell those wives to get fucked.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna make the float.
It'll be the most fantastic
thing you've ever seen.
- [SEAN] Okay
That's way more than we expected.
We just came here to see
which one of these
T-shirts you liked better.
Yeah, we got two choices:
"Yas Sean!"
And "Ay, I'm Bein' Gay Ova Here!"
[LASZLO] We'll buy the lot.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪

What is at the root
of all this pain here?
Besides your legs being crushed, I mean.
Of course I'm still pissed
off at Nadja for crushing me
with her vampire ass.
I mean, look at this bullshit.
I'm three-quarters
mechanical automaton.
Ah, shit.
Well, I suppose the
loss of my dolly body
has got me thinking
about my old human body.
I never got to use it, fully.
- Huh?
- I never got to experience
carnal pleasure?
- What?
- Oh.
I think what she means is
- She's a virgin.
- [NADJA DOLL] Nailed it.
How can you be a virgin?
Your spirit is identical
to my own and I am
definitely not a virgin.
I am a manifestation
of your ghost, right?
Which is who you were when
you died and became a vampire.
And at that point, you were a virgin.
What about Jonas the mule dancer?
Strictly hand stuff.
I remain a virgin and
I fear I always will be.
If there was anything, anything
I could about this, I would,
but sadly I just I don't
Well, what if we swapped bodies?
- Just for a day.
- What a cute little idea,
but unfortunately that is
definitely not possible.
Oh, no, it's possible.
The swapping of spirits
and their corporeal vessels.
Actually, pretty easy.
- Is it?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well.
- [NADJA DOLL] Great!
- Great.
- Great.
Okay! Oh great.
- That is just
- Great.
Well, great.
[NANDOR] I have discovered why Guillermo
has been avoiding me lately.
He has fallen under the sway of Laszlo.
Laszlo is jealous because of
how much Guillermo worships me.
- Oh. There you are.
- Not now, Nandor.
Can't you see I'm
teaching the boy science?
- Thank you.
[NANDOR] He has decided
to try and impress him
with his only impressive quality.
- Ooh!
[NANDOR] His quote,
unquote "intelligence."
End quote.
- Maybe I just
- [LASZLO] No, Nandor.
[NANDOR] I personally value
qualities that cannot be taught.
Courage. Relentlessness.
Being tall.
Do you think he actually bought
that whole science lesson thing?
For if he knew the truth,
that you've been turned into a vampire
by somebody other than him,
you'd be fucking dead by now.
How can I put this? The boy is
fucked up.
Yeah, I really can't see
what's going on back there.
I think it might be like a
psoriasis flareup or something.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
Can you move them?
Move what?
Nothing. All good and proper.
Now, what I intend to do
is carry out a few basic
experiments on the boy.
Firstly, agility.
Vampire super speed
test number 72, begin.
[LASZLO] Vampiric turnoffs.
[MUFFLED] I'm holding
the garlic to your face.
Is it having any effect?
Concentrate on that antique
flask and make it rise.
Patient running at normal human speed,
slightly below normal human speed.
- Lick it!
- I'd rather not.
If you don't lick it,
I cannot diagnose you.
Oh, that's not bad.
[LASZLO] And from that,
we'll have a better idea as to
what kind of vampire he is, or isn't.
I didn't ask you to squeeze one out.
If I knew you were gonna do that,
I'd have put some newspaper down.
I'm doing it.
- Doing what? Squeezing one out?
- No.
What the blazes?
He's clearly been
afflicted by vampirism.
All right, you can stop there.
But his turning has been stymied.
Being a man of science,
I intend to find out why.
For this requires a systematic review
of everything we know about vampirism.
We must go back.
Back to the beginning.
Now clean that shit up.
All right, so tonight is Friday.
Otherwise known in spiritual
circles as Freaky Friday.
And thus we are technically
able to swap your souls.
And that's really how it works?
- Yes.
- Okay, whatever.
Fine. Can I just get something clear?
My dolly is going to inhabit my body
to use it to get completely
and utterly railed.
- [NADJA DOLL] Yes, please.
- And then we will switch back?
- Correct.
- Correct.
- Okay, so put your hands on the orb
and close your eyes.
Daimes times nokti onidete.
Mugok timek orgiyam takenti.
Toyos togom skijas antagite!
[LAUGHING] It worked!
It's fucking amazing.
I'm big, bitches!
Uh, be careful. Maybe work
your way up a little bit?
- Ugh, I can't feel my feet.
That's because you don't have any.
- Sucks, doesn't it?
- Easy.
I forgot how amazing it
is to have a real body!
- Stretch first!
- Wow!
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, watch out!
So, who wants to have a little bite
of this fresh beef salad?
Trust me, Dolly, you
don't want your first time
to be with anyone in this house.
These people are ran-through.
We are going to find
you a fresh piece of ass.
Wait for me, koukla mou.
I'm doing it.
I'm a real body person.
- [CAMERAMAN] Careful!
- Oh. Oh.
That's right. We swapped bodies.
Huh. Looks like they're turning the GNC
into a Jersey Mike's.
None of you find this
interesting? Hello?
[NANDOR] Not really. I mean,
you're kind of the same person anyway.
So, what? You swapped. Big whoop.
- Talking of vampires, which I believe you were
- [COLIN] We weren't.
what do we actually know about them?
Uh, for
the purposes of the float?
Oh, I see. Boy stuff.
Vroom, vroom. Carry on.
Vampires. The first thing that
comes into your head. Anybody.
Oh, uh, they tend to
form insular social units
and not let perceived
outsiders join the group.
Like I said, what do
we know about vampires?
Vampires always go soft after two pumps.
It's a classic vampire thing.
- Uh
- What about the one where if you
drop a bunch of rice
in front of a vampire
he has to count every single grain?
No, I, too, have heard that
before. But I think it's cack.
- Hmm, but there again, it might not be.
- [NADJA] Isn't there a thing
that if you throw a
vampire's shoe into the river,
you have to follow it?
Oh, yes, true.
Don't be silly, it's not a shoe.
It is a sock.
Come on, this is classic
Vampire 101 shit, guys.
Well, the only way I'm gonna find
this out is if I put it to the test.
Come on, Gizmo.
Oh, and me. I'd like to come, too.
I don't think so.
No, you-you should
probably stay with Sean
and help him with the
float, for the parade.
Or talk to your bird in-in your room.
I'm not speaking to
Matthew at the moment.
All right, fine.
I know when I'm not wanted.
And this is not one of those times.
Come on, boys!
[NADJA] So, I thought there's
no better place for my Dolly
to find some piping-hot
strange than speed dating.
Hello, everyone. I'm a virgin.
I already regret this.
I used to be dead,
and then I was a ghost,
and then I was a doll, and now
I am human once more. [LAUGHS]
How about you?
- I'm in sales.
- Ooh.
Mud huts or livestock?
- I like him.
My dowry is really cheap.
Just one large goose and before
you can even slit its throat,
- boom, I'm your wife.
- Oof. - [BELL RINGS]
How do you feel about taking
the virginity of a dead ghost?
It's your lucky night.
- Ugh.
- Oh, dear.
- You like? Woo!
Ela! This is a mating dance
because I have selected
you to be my mate.
Look how wide I am.
Please, no physical touch.
Fuck off, lady! [SPITTING]
Okay. All right. You
are out of here. Come on.
What? No, I was just doing a date.
Yes, thank you, remove us.
- Come on.
- Oh.
[LASZLO] Commence the test.
Absolutely no urge to count the rice.
I don't know what Colin
Robinson was talking about.
Another vampire myth
proved to be nonsense.
But just before I
attend to other duties
- Yes.
- One.
- Two. Four.
- Three.
- Five.
- Six.
Maybe we should move
on to the next test?
Shut up. Seven.
- Eight. Ten.
- Nine. Eleven.
All right, next up is
vampires can triple jump?
- Ah.
- What does that even mean?
I'll show you what it means.
Three! See?
- Oh.
- Yo, Laz. What you doing up there?
Oh, hi, Sean.
Um, just checking out your float.
Looks fantastic.
- [SEAN] Good night.
- See ya.
[GUILLERMO] So, two small
jumps, and on the third jump,
- jump real high, like Mario.
- Mario who?
Why bother with fancy
jumps when you can just fly?
- Flying does have its limits.
- Oh, really?
A vampire can only ascend as high
as the lowest cloud in the area.
Well, I think that is
more of a Laszlo thing
than a vampire thing.
Really? Well, how high can you fly?
Outer space.
- Write that down.
- Maybe not write that down,
on the account of it being
I get it, you have never
flown to outer space.
- No.
- For some, it is a little too scary.
But not for me.
That's why I've done it many times.
I mean, you know,
I've flown up like really high.
Now, have I technically
flown to outer space?
No. But there's no
reason why I couldn't.
I mean, I don't have to breathe
oxygen or any shit like that.
So, yeah.
I did not lie.
I am essentially the
king of outer space.
Of course you are, Major Tom.
Enough of that nonsense.
Find me a river I can toss my sock into.
You know what?!
I think I might just fly
to outer space right now!
Not you or you can stop me.
Or you!
So, good luck with your shitty
little science experiments,
because I'm going to outer space!
Well, speed dating was a bust.
But there is one person in the
house the doll is horny for.
I don't like this decision,
but since we all F each other
all the time here anyway,
I can't be a hypocrite.
- Right?
- Nope.
So, let me get this straight.
Nadja Doll, who's currently
in Real Nadja's body
wants to have sex with me?
- Uh-huh.
- Yep.
And Real Nadja, who's
currently inhabiting
Nadja Doll's body is fine with this?
- Mm-hmm.
- And-and you're not gonna kill me after?
- No!
- I'm open to it, I-I just
I don't want it to
affect our friendship.
- [NADJA] What friendship?
- Oh, no, we don't really like you that much.
- I-I wouldn't say we are friends.
- No.
Okay, then why do you want to doink me?
- This guy doesn't understand women at all.
- Oh, dear.
Hey, Gray Boy.
I'm offering it to you on a plate.
The information I've gathered
today has revolutionized
my entire conception of vampire kind.
[GUILLERMO] I just don't
see how that's gonna speed
- the process of turning me.
- Patience, dear boy. Patience.
Now, give me your arm.
Ah, just as I hypothesized.
You skin has some of the
properties of a vampire,
yet you are still able to
walk under the rays of the sun.
So, does that mean I'm a day walker?
- Am I like Blade?
- Yeah, you're exactly like Blade.
Fuck off.
Now, sit still.
Ow. Okay.
A little of that on my arm.
Add my special light.
Starting to sting.
Getting a bit more painful.
[GRUNTS] Fuck.
That's fascinating.
So fascinating!
Right. Strip off, cock ahoy,
and get on the running machine.
- Wait, what?
- I need three gallons of your sweat for science.
Mind if I put on some
music to get us in the mood?
- Mm.
Woo! Ooh, yeah.
Love it. Mmm.
I really can't decide
whether it's weirder if I'm here,
or not here.
- And he comes in. [CHUCKLES]
- Ooh.
Oh, it's happening. Oh, boy.
- I'm gonna kiss you.
- [NADJA DOLL] Okay.
- I-I can't.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong.
I like how fucked-up this is.
I-I really like how fucked-up this is.
I just I think I'm only
attracted to you in doll form.
- I get that.
- Are you kidding me?!
Sorry, Nadja. Daddy
likey what Daddy likey.
Dolly bae, maybe we can try again
in another hundred years or so.
But I have barely gotten to do anything.
I haven't even used this yet.
Come on. "Swap back" time.
I'm not going anywhere.
I just need to mention now
that I cannot force a
spirit to leave a vessel.
What the fuck?
Sassy leaving dance.
- Ooh.
- No. Bitch.
- Come back.
- Yeah, there was no way I was gonna tap that.
If it's so hard to swap us back,
why did you swap us in the first place?
Wait, so you're saying you can't
make a spirit leave a vessel,
but could you put two
spirits in the same vessel?
Oh. I don't see why not.

[LASZLO] After a distillation process
It gives me no pleasure to
lather my skin in Gizmo's sweat.
Yet, I have reason to believe
it contains extraordinary powers.
Powers that enable a vampire
to walk under the shining rays
of the sun.
If my calculations aren't correct,
I could be a lump of coal in seconds.
Ha! But you only live once.
Holy shit! That is bright.
- There you go.
This is amazing.
- Oh, hell yeah, Laz.
- Ha ha!
There's so much heat on our
campaign now, it's unbelievable.
Paul Shaffer's limo driver
reposted our flyer on Instagram.
You have the most beautiful skin.
Yeah, I use Charmaine's foot cream.
What do you think about the float?
H-How's that coming along?
The float? Oh, it's fantastic.
I've been working on it noon and night.
Now, do me a favor.
Could I borrow a beach chaise?
- Beach chaise?
- I promise it's for the float.
Something that one might
sit out in the sun on.
What the fuck is a beach
chaise? Is that French?
They're lawn chairs, Seanie.
Yeah, we got lawn chairs.
Thank you very much, very kind.
- Now I want to go to the beach.
- Did you see my sign?
- Then go to the beach.

Fetch that!
- Hey
- [NANDOR] Hello there.
Master, what are you
Why are you awake?
[NANDOR] I decided to get up early,
to prepare for my upcoming
journey to outer space.
What? You're not really thinking about
going to outer space, are you?
Yes. It turns out there are things
that I can do that your
little teacher Laszlo cannot.
I know that you've become
enamored with his intelligence,
but it is not intelligence
that got mankind to outer space.
It took brute strength and gumption.
These are clearly things
that do not interest you.
Wait. Are you going to outer
space just to impress me?
Sorry, what?
Am I doing this to impress Guillermo?
Esti toraiti nokti onidete.
[NADJA] Now, Colin Robinson came up
with an actually not horrible idea
of having his soul put into my real body
to convince my Dolly spirit to leave.
Neves daugite!
Huh. Look at that, I guess it worked.
[GASPS] I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to smoke me out,
you tricksy little bitches.
Well, eat skata.
Because I actually quite
like this new company.
Oh, I think I'm gonna go
just read my newspaper.
No, I want to go practice cartwheels.
No, I want to go finish my blog
about being a male feminist. No!
Oh, nice going, dipshit.
Push him over.
[NADJA DOLL] No, let me go!
It is almost time for my ascent.
Thanks, guys, for lending me
the itty-bitty baby cameras.
Hi, it's Nandor here.
And here.
We do not go to outer
space because it is easy,
we go because it is hard.
Taking off in three
- And because it will be fun.
- In two
- I hope.
- And one
I am approximately 20
feet above the backyard.
Roger, over and out, good buddy.
Love is love ♪
Go, Rita!
Thank you, Rita the
lesbian roommate. And I love
the LGBD
etcetera community.
- Q.
- [SEAN] And the Qs.
Which brings me to tonight's guests
who are gonna help us
kick off the festivities.
They are what Staten
Island is all about.
- They're immigrants.
They're big-time gays.
- [CHARMAINE] Big-time!
- [SEAN] Super duper gay.
- All right, yeah, Okay.
Without further ado, come on out, guys!
Hey, it's Laz!
What the hell happened
to your face, man?
Just caught a bit of
sun, do you like it?
- The bloody mirror
- You idiot.
- Okay.
- Hey, say hey if you're gay.
[ALL] Hey!
Come on, let's have a clap for gay!
Let me tell you something, this
fella tries to kiss me all the time.
- That's right!
- [LASZLO] He does.
Right, I'm not the only grand
marshal of this gay parade.
- Now, where is Nandor? What?
- Laszlo.
He's busy doing
He's what?
- So, I'm very high up now.
At least five miles.
I'm getting a little light-headed.
Oh, it's a fucking plane.
Hi, plane.
[LASZLO] All right,
all right, all right.
Let's welcome the most beautiful
girl I know and I've ever met.
My good lady wife Nadja. Come on.
- Oh, she's right here. I've got her.
- I'm here.
Quiet, crone! Hello, everyone.
Thank you all so much for coming.
- [MAN] What the hell's wrong with her?
- Seriously, it means a lot to us.
- [MAN] Oh, shit.
You put acid in my beer again.
[NADJA DOLL] Shut up, Colin Robinson!
- Holy shit.
Woo! Being gay!
- [COLIN] My turn again.
- [NADJA] What the fuck is happening?
Okay, so that's what happens
when you put two souls in one body.
Good to know.
Why did Guillermo make me do this?
It fucking sucks!
I did it.
I fucking did it.
I'm in outer space.
Fuck you, Laszlo.
Fuck you, Guillermo!
I made it to outer space!
It really makes you reflect
on how small we all are.
No, no, no.
I'm gonna go out ♪
And let myself get
absolutely soaking wet ♪
- Let's go.
- It's raining men ♪
Hallelujah ♪
It's raining men ♪
Amen ♪
- She does have a beautiful voice, though.
- We're gay, you're gay ♪
- Okay, who's ready for a parade?
- What the fuck?
- What the blazes?
- Oh, my God. [COUGHS]
- [CHARMAINE] Sean, are you okay?
- Master, are you all right?
Well, well, well
If it isn't Mr. Vampires
Can't Go to Outer Space.
Guess what.
Hey, I just went to outer space!
Turn around, I-I want
to see what's happening.
No, I'm looking.
Again, who's ready for a parade?
It's raining men ♪
Hallelujah ♪
- How gay is this?
- [SEAN] We're bringing back the Rangers.
Remember to vote Rinaldi!
- It's raining men ♪
- Damn it, Colin.
No, I'm dancing.
- It's raining men ♪
It's raining men, hallelujah ♪
It's raining men ♪
Amen ♪
- It's raining men ♪
I went to space!
We're proud, we're so proud.
Hallelujah ♪
- [SEAN] We're doing it!
It's raining men ♪
Tall, blonde, dark and lean ♪
Rough and tough and strong and mean ♪
It's raining men, come on ♪
I was hoping I'd meet some
little green buddies up there.
[NADJA] Yes, my darling.
Give it to her good.
- Oh, hi, Guillermo. Hoo-hoo!
- Oh!
Oh, ho, ho!
- Gather round, everyone.
- Oh, yes.
Nope, nope, I'm not staying for this.
- [NADJA] Prude!
- Are you sure?
Am I hitting the spot, Colin Robinson?
Oh, yeah. Nah, that's fine. Just fine.
I wish I didn't want you ♪
I wish I didn't need you ♪
But, baby, I'm stuck on you ♪
Don't know how you do it ♪
You really put me through it ♪
It must be the devil's work you do ♪
I wish I didn't want you ♪
I wish I didn't need you ♪
But, baby, I'm stuck on you ♪
I don't know how you do it ♪
You really put me through it ♪
It must be the devil's work you do ♪
The devil's work you do. ♪
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