What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e04 Episode Script

The Campaign

Colin Robinson for Staten
Island Comptroller headquarters.
Sean had to bow out of the race.
Apparently, in Staten Island,
there's a rule that a candidate
can't have more than nine DUIs.
Most Staten Island office holders
only have two or three.
Oh, hi, Barbara.
[COLIN] He needed someone
to take his place, and my record
is absolutely, completely clean.
Yo. Robby Robinson, get over here.
You're on the tube. Quick.
[BARBARA] With all due
respect, my new opponent
seems like a nice man, but he has
no government experience.
He was working as a server
I can't wait to flex my blue collar
bona fides on the debate stage.
[LAUGHS] Up top.
There it is.
♪Don't sing if you
want to live long ♪♪
♪They have no use for your song ♪♪
♪You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪♪
♪You're dead and out of this world ♪♪
♪Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪♪
♪You sold out your
dream to the world ♪♪
♪Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪♪
♪You're dead and out of this world. ♪♪
[NANDOR] I have been spending
more time at this new gym lately.
I have asked Guillermo to join me,
but he always seems to have
something else going on these days.
Guillermo! Guillermo,
- where are you?
- Shit!
- [GUILLERMO] I've been avoiding Nandor.
- Oh.
[GUILLERMO] It's been hard,
physically and emotionally.
- Guillermo?
- [GUILLERMO] I just don't
want him to get suspicious that
- I'm a vampire now. Or half a vampire.
Or whatever I am.
- [NANDOR] Guillermo?
[NANDOR] And so I have decided
to hunt for a new companion.
Need a spot?
Uh, sure, why not?
Looks like it's just me and
you in here tonight, huh, buddy?
Um, yeah.
Uh, it's usually pretty
empty on Easter Sunday.
I guess all the gentiles
are out hunting for eggs.
You are Jewish?
Very cool.
- Nandor.
- Thanks for the spot, pal.
It was my pleasure.
So, what meshuggaas
that means stuff
is everyone doing tonight?
If you're only asking
us what we're doing
so you can tell us what
you're doing, we don't care.
Relax, I'm just kibitzing. Besides,
I have acquired a new friend.
- [LASZLO] Oh.
- [NANDOR] And now we are going to the movies
We are mishpocha.
Oh, yes.
My new friend he's the total package.
Has a great sense of
humor, loves to work out
and he's Jewish.
What difference does
it make if he's Jewish?
It doesn't, but back in Al Qolnidar,
I always heard stories about the Jews.
Exceptionally proud
people, fierce warriors,
but I never actually got to meet one.
I had no idea there were
Jews in New York City.
And now I am proud
to call one my friend.
Oh. That's great. What-What's his name?
Well, look who suddenly reappeared
now that I'm kvelling
about my new friend.
- I've been here the whole time.
- [NANDOR] Well, if you must know,
his name is Alexander.
Alexander the Jew.
Nope. I don't think that's his name.
[NANDOR] Quit your kvetching.
[COLIN] I really couldn't care
less about being comptroller.
Hello! I am Colin Robinson.
I am running for comptroller.
- Can she vote?
- Uh, no.
- Okay, then don't.
- Ooh.
I'd rather it lay on the ground
than go into her hands.
I'm only doing it
because the debate stage
is a great place for a mega drain.
You know, it's really
no surprise the amount
- of energy vampires in politics.
- Uh, we're good.
- [SEAN] Colin, stop it.
- What are you running for?
- Touch this.
- [SEAN] What are you doing?
- Touch it.
- [SEAN] Stop doing that.
[COLIN] But the perfect
campaign needs the perfect wife.
I have an old flame that comes here.
Once we accept that they
are never coming back
to sweep us off our feet
with an unexpected
E-Evie Russell?
Colin Robinson.
W-What are you doing here?
Evie, please. I-I need you.
I didn't think I'd ever see you again
after you fled the scene of the accident
that left me partially blind.
- And completely unable to move my legs.
- [MAN] Oh, Evie.
[COLIN] Evie Russell
is an emotional vampire.
The doctor said, "She'd
be better off dead."
[COLIN] She drains people
by feeding on their emotions.
And then he hung himself
while he was masturbating.
- [WOMAN] Oh.
- [COLIN] When we dated,
she destroyed me and
fed off of the remnants
of what used to be my heart.
She's the best.
Oh, I've never stopped
thinking about you.
I mean, even after all these years.
To me, you are perfect.
Love Actually, 2003.
I wish I knew how to quit you.
Brokeback Mountain, 2005.
- I got you this necklace.
Titanic, 1997.
- It looks beautiful on you.
- [EVIE] Thank you.
[NADJA] Ever since I stumbled on
the neighborhood of Little Antipaxos,
I have been spending my nights
with a delightful family.
No, I-I have eaten
Being with them makes
me feel almost human.
I've been helping my new
family by actually working.
And maybe these simple acts
of kindness, compassion, and friendship
might help lift this
pissing Antipaxon curse
that I have all over me.
But [SIGHS] they keep
asking to meet Laszlo.
Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,
and Antipaxons are very,
very suspicious of outsiders.
He's coming tonight. [SIGHS]
[LASZLO] Now you see, what you
must understand is courting a partner's
family is just as important
as courting the lover.
So, I have done deep research
into these simple island folk.
I learned their customs, their dress.
What the fuck are you wearing?
I'm dressed as an islander.
These people are peasants.
It's important I fit in, my darling.
Their way of speaking.
Me, Laszlo.
Do you people have names
or do you communicate with sticks?
I had become one of them.
I think this is going well.
This is the matriarch of this
very important family to me,
- okay? Yes?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yia-Yia.
- Yia-Yia.
Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.
He was dropped on his head as a baby.
Any big plans for the summertime?
Not really.
So, I met Nandor at the gym. I was doing
my reps, and he, uh, I don't know,
he-he seemed harmless and
kind of lonely, and, uh
then he asked me here, and
I don't know, I'm
here. Uh, I don't know.
- It just happened.
- You are enjoying the movie?
- [WOMAN] Shh!
I remember the first time I went to one.
There was a locomotion film playing.
And we all thought,
"This train's gonna kill
us!" And, of course
- [MAN] Shut up!
- Shh.
Yes. Yes, you're right.
Zero is the amount of
paperwork you'd have to file
after I replace -Excuse me.
our entire outdated system
Mr. Robinson, are you all right?
Yeah. No, no. It's not my turn. You go.
With a seamless, user-friendly,
digital platform.
Eliminate bureaucracy.
Say goodbye to paperwork.
- And hello to anarchy.
You're-you're clapping
for an anarchist.
[BARBARA] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[LOUD, DISTORTED] Four weeks ago,
- when I started this
Check, check. Microphone, microphone.
With the debate stage,
what you have is a captive audience.
- Do you know how this
It's like a smorgasbord.
[INHALES] Four weeks ago,
I was sitting down
for breakfast with my
beautiful wife, Evie.
Evie and I were sitting
down with our two
beautiful little boys,
Connor and C-C Cah ristopher,
and Christopher
looks up to me he's
six years old and full of the dickens
And I said, "Well, it's
because of the taxes,
Conno Christopher."
And I'll be damned if there's
anyone in this hall right now
smells often of beef stew,
as all young children do.
Your allowance is being cut
because mommy lost her job.
Mommy lost her job to
an M'er-F'ing machine.
A machine that ran over my foot
on a factory floor.
- [MAN] Unbelievable.
- [EVIE] And is a-a
machine gonna tuck my two sons
who are full of the dickens into bed?
You think that machine can give my boys
their goodnight kissies?
How's that gonna work?
Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah.
I sure would like to meet that machine
and tell it to pay for
my medical bills. [GASPS]
[COLIN] That machine ruined our
gosh darn C-Chrosstopher's life.
No, really, you were so good.
I-I doubt I'll get a
single vote. [LAUGHING]
Oh. Very nice.
So, what do you want to do now?
Oh, I don't know. We could catch up.
I really have thought about you
quite a bit these last few years.
- I guess our Uber is here.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- [COLIN] Not our Uber.
- [EVIE] Oh! Ow.
[COLIN] What the hell?!
[COLIN] European Middle Ages, in
which monks wore hoods or cowls
[EVIE] This is triggering
because I was blind as a child,
and I'm having flashbacks.
[MAN] Enough! Be quiet!
You guys can join us,
but if you're hoping to
get any interesting footage,
you came to exactly the wrong place.
- [EVIE] Ow.
- [COLIN] Where-where are we?
Wait, a-are you
Okay. Uh, so,
calling to order this emergency meeting
of the Supreme Council
of Energy Vampires.
[EVIE] It's real?
I'd always heard rumors, but
A-Are we in trouble?
Well, uh, what we have here
- is a situation in
Sorry, let me turn that off.
So annoying, right?
Like, "Okay, Boomer."
As I-I was saying, uh,
what we do have here
- is a situation in which we
- Hey.
- [GREGG] Uh, what you're gonna want to do
is go to your home screen
and look for "Settings."
- I'm not I'm not seeing that.
- [GREGG] And you open that up,
and you're looking for "Alerts."
- It should be listed alphabetical,
- [JO] I
- so "Alerts" would be at the top of that.
- [JO] I am not seeing that.
[GREGG] It could also be
under "Sounds and Haptics."
I don't know what operating
system you're running.
Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?
You're not late. You were actually
sitting there the whole time.
Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening,
so could somebody bring
me up to speed, please?
[JO] They were asking if they're
in trouble, and I was saying that
- what we have here is a situation in which
- Shucks.
- [GREGG] Home screen.
- [JO] Okay. Mm.
- "Settings."
Alert settings, and then
what you're gonna need to do
- is find the, uh
- My God, they are fantastic.
Oh, yeah. This is awful.
[LOW VOLUME] Maybe we should move on
to the business at hand?
- We can't hear you.
- [JO] Just speak up.
[LOW VOLUME] Oh, sorry. One moment.
[JO] Just speak up.
Shake it.
[LOW VOLUME] Okay. How about now?
- No, no. Shake it.
- Mm-mmm.
[JO] Y-You're gonna need to speak up.
[LOW VOLUME] Maybe it's the Wi-Fi
connection. I'm literally shouting.
That would literally have
nothing to do with it.
[COLIN] Uh, why don't you check
the XLR cable connection.
Robinson, Evie Russell,
you have been summoned here
Does somebody want to
interrupt her and let her know
that, at this point, she
is completely inaudible?
Yeah, no problem. You're
not-you're not audible
due to the low volume
- of your microphone.
- [LOW VOLUME] I'm shouting.
I am blowing up today.
Listen, uh, if we don't survive this,
I-I just want you to know that
- I've always loved
- [APARNA] Colin Robinson,
no side conversations, please.
- [HANNIBAL] I am at a loss.
- Do we have an agenda?
[GREGG] System settings.
[JO] I have something called Settings?
[NANDOR] My good friend Alexander
has yet to call me
back on the telephone.
- Who is that? Is that Alexander?
No. Why would I be talking to Alexander?
I gave Alexander your number
because I do not have a phone.
Does this fill me with a
crippling sense of self-doubt?
It's not fair!
Perhaps we are just too
different to be friends.
But I can fix.
Master, you know I would
do anything for you, but
I'm not gonna circumcise you.
Here's me in the corner.
Here's me in the spotlight
at my circumcision.
Master, you just can't get circumcised
for a friend you met at the gym.
Guillermo, there's no other way.
How can two men be friends
when they are so different?
You and I are different.
You are. I am not.
It's time for you
to snip my tip.
- Hello, my sexy, Greek, extended family.
Ah, Laszlo.
Gather round. I have
something I want to say.
[NADJA] Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia.
[LASZLO] The memory of a song,
when executed properly,
can be a powerful gift.
[NADJA] Had my sweet love, Laszlo,
consulted me before just
putting on a big concert
in front of my new family,
I would have probably said
maybe don't sing the battle hymn
of our neighboring
island, Nisida Mongonisi,
because that place is the
home of our mortal enemies,
the Nisida Mongonisans. [SPITS]
- Hold on a second, my
- Shut up!
[NADJA] Who told you
that was a good idea?!
- All right, my darling.
- [NADJA] You were singing,
"Kill them, kill them, kill them."
How many times have I
said that to you in Greek?
- [GREGG] We can't hear you.
You're just gonna need to speak up.
Feels like we should turn this over
to the chairman at this point.
Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we
- Um
- Hello. Yes.
I can take it from here.
Thank you for softening them up.
Okay. Now, who is this?
- [JO] The Chairman.
- [GREGG] Uh, you've worked with her
- for 15 years now.
- [HANNIBAL] Is that right?
Did she get a haircut or something?
Colin Robinson.
Your opponent Barbara Lazarro's platform
is a direct threat to the lifeblood
of energy vampires, which is
what's the word
- Bureaucracy.
- [MARTHA] And bureaucracy is
How do I put this? I feel like there's
- a slogan
- Oh.
Bureaucracy is the gum
that clogs the gears
of every human endeavor.
The petty BS, in triplicate,
- that reminds
the common man that
he is a useless speck
and has kept energy vampires
everywhere well-fed, fat, and happy.
[OTHERS] All hail bureaucracy.
Enough. I can't take it anymore.
Why are we here? W-What
do you want us to do?
You must beat Barbara Lazarro,
or else.
How do you expect me
to beat Barbara Lazarro?
I-I can't win.
Even if I could,
I don't even want to be comptroller.
This is how we feed, dummy.
You need to protect our way of life.
What if I don't?
We have certain methods
for persuading the reluctant.
Turn it around. It's backwards.
- [MARTHA] I can't see it.
- [APARNA] It's backwards.
Turn it so it faces them,
but also is facing me.
[APARNA] Turn it so
the screen is facing us.
- [MARTHA] No, they can't see it.
- [HANNIBAL] To the left more.
- Left, left.
- [GREGG] Please be more expedient.
Thank you.
Slide one of 543:
"Hurry Up and Wait: An Argument for
- and Statistical Review
- [EVIE] Make it stop.
- of Energy Vampire Preservation
- It's too much.
- Via Bureaucracy,
- Secured Only Through"
- [COLIN] Fine. Fine.
We-We'll do it, just
please let us out of here.
Thanks, but we-we're
still gonna read it.
- Just to reiterate. Still gonna
- watch it and read it.
- [MARTHA] "Part One, Section One "
And I'm here to fight for
the change you deserve,
Staten Island. And with
all of you, my Colin-izers,
by my side, I can't lose.
[LAUGHS] I'm so full of passion,
I just want to scream!
And now we're off to Mariners Harbor,
Midland Beach,
Randall Manor. Yee-haw!
Okay. I'm just gonna take
a quick break now to settle down.
[WHIMPERS] I can't keep doing this.
Uh, I can't keep pretending to be
Mr. Charisma to all these nimrods.
It's awful.
But the Energy Vampire Council said
we have to win, or else.
No. No. No.
Enough. It ends now.
Okay, where was I?
- Let's see here. Meiers Corners.
Graniteville. How about Fort Wadsworth?
Do I hear anyone from
Randall Manor?!
- [LAUGHS] All right!
Oh, i-it-it's not what it looks like.
I was just beating off
to all your beautiful faces
during the break, and I-I guess
I forgot to pull up my-my pants.
[NANDOR] So, I waited, like,
five hours at the gym
to bump into my friend Alexander.
Then, when he finally did show up
Alexander! Come on. Oh, Alexander!
I don't know.
Maybe I rushed things a
little with my big reveal.
Alexander! Ta-da!
Alexander, wait.
I got to get out of this fucking city.
[NANDOR] Alexander!
The excitement of our friendship
made me overlook my vampire powers.
My foreskin grew back very fast.
Now he thinks I'm meshuggener,
which means he thinks I'm
a little bit of a putz.
Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss.
[LASZLO] No, don't stop,
not on my account. Keep going.
Now, I know I'm different from
you people, but I am who I am.
"And who are you?" I hear you ask.
- Fuck's sake.
- [LASZLO] Well, that's a good question.
- I
am an esteemed British gentleman,
well-bred to the manor born.
I can speak 14 languages,
as long as they are English.
I can play any instrument,
apart from bagpipes.
They sound fucking terrible to everyone.
I can fashion any tree,
any hedge, into a vulva.
In the days before medicine,
I survived gonorrhea, chlamydia,
the plague, clubfoot, leprosy,
black fever, yellow fever,
night fever.
But most important, and I must emphasize
that this is the most
important thing about me:
I am a certified master cocksman.
- To cut this short
and to get straight to the point,
you can all go f-f-fuck yourselves.
- Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo.
- Very hard.
What's she doing, my love?
What's happening?
[NADJA] By some stroke of dumb luck,
my new family absolutely
bloody love Laszlo.
You see, there is a tale in my country
that has been passed
down through generations
of a wet-headed,
wide-bodied, ignorant oaf,
with the brains of a chewing gums.
This spirit is said to
continually reincarnate itself,
but always as a pompous, perverted oaf.
And my family think it is, well,
And when you are in the
presence of this spirit,
it brings good luck and
good fortune to everyone.
- Hello there. How are you?
- Vasiliás Pyuroni.
The king of pigs.
My king of pigs.
- He's very, very, very stupid.
I want to say to my young boys,
uh, Connor and Cra
Christoph pher,
to them, I say I'm sorry,
Daddy's coming home.
I-I'd like to say a few words myself.
Thank you in advance
for respecting my family's privacy
don't touch me
while we deal with
this isolated incident
in which my husband
flashed and mooned
the beautiful voters of Staten Island
after a poorly-timed
masturbation sesh.
As well as the isolated
incident in which
we woke up to
what sounded like a
burglar in our house,
and my husband immediately yelled,
"Take her and my kids, don't take me"
- before realizing
it was just a
racoon outside our house.
This man has let us all down.
But I will make it up to you
by becoming your next
borough comptroller.
[SEAN] All right!
[COLIN] I was surprised that
Evie ran in my place.
Only 18 people voted.
So, with the write-in votes
that Evie got from her
breakup group
well, it was enough to carry the day.
I think she'll do the council proud.
- I-I'm happy for her.
- Colin Robinson.
Evie Russell. What are you doing here?
I wanted to let you know
I'm sad.
Why? I thought you'd
enjoy being comptroller.
I'm sad because
we can't see each other anymore.
But maybe you and I
could meet up every once in a while
- and later
- I don't want to do that.
- But maybe w-we can
- I-I'm sorry.
- I should give this back to you.
- Yeah, I want this back.
I hope you didn't pay too much for it.
It gave me a rash, so
I think it's made of
some kind of really cheap metal.
It's not metal.
Oh. Well
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
Evie, wh-why?
- Nancy Meyers,
- 2009.
♪Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ♪♪
♪Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪♪
♪It would only break my heart ♪♪
♪Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪♪
Nothing like spending some
quality time with old frien
Shh! Shut the fuck up.
I'm trying to watch a movie here.
♪Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ♪♪
♪Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪♪
♪It would only break my heart ♪♪
♪Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪♪
♪If you ever, ever leave ♪♪
♪Doo-wop, doo-wop ♪♪
♪Then you know ♪♪
♪Don't say goodbye,
don't make me cry ♪♪
♪Don't ever take your love from me ♪♪
♪Our love could last eternally ♪♪
♪Eternally. ♪♪
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