What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e05 Episode Script

Local News

[NEWSMAN] Good evening, New Yorkers,
and welcome to Channel
8 News, Live at 7.
- I'm Ted Spinelli.
- And I'm Lisa Lipton.
A big day in news across the city,
but we begin in Staten Island,
where a water main break in the
West New Brighton neighborhood
left the streets
looking more like rivers.
Joanna Roscoe is live
from Staten Island now.
That's right, Lisa.
This was the scene just hours ago
on what is usually considered
a quiet residential street.
Now, as you can see behind me,
city workers have managed to stop
the street-level flooding,
but underground flooding
still remains a concern.
Oh, boy. That means a messy commute home
- for a few Staten Islanders, right, Joanna?
- Yeah, it sure does.
Now I am here with a local resident
who has been watching
the situation closely.
His name is Nandor
Nandor the Relentless.
Nandor De Laurentis.
Now, Nandor, you live in
this neighborhood, correct?
Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do.
In that house just over there.
With my friends. It's fun.
Great. And as I understand,
you were on the street
when the water main broke.
Can you tell us about that?
[NANDOR] Yes, I can, Joanna.
I was going for my evening stroll,
which I do for my mental health
as well as for my physical health,
and then, all of a sudden, crash!
Water, it shoots
into the air, and then, like,
all over the street.
[JOANNA] Now, Nandor,
have you seen an incident
in this area like this before?
Not since the great
flood in 1892, Joanna.
That was a big boy.
[CHUCKLES] 1892.
Oh, silly me. Not not 1892.
- 1992.
Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892?
Give me this guy's skin care secrets.
Because 1892 was a year that was not
in my, uh, human lifespan,
but 1992 most definitely was.
It's 2023 now
- Right.
- and it was 1992 then.
And I have been living in
Staten Island for many centuries.
Many centuries.
Well, it looks like we have discovered
the secret to eternal life.
- Now, I do have a
Well, Ted and Lisa, I will be here,
on the ground, monitoring the situation
as it develops. Back to you.
Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪

[NANDOR] Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.
- [LASZLO] From the diaphragm.
[NANDOR] Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Gizmo is not here.
Colin Robinson, turn on the television.
- Channel 8.
- Your arms broken?
- Please!
- All right.
- [MAN] This is go
[JOANNA] But there is some worry that
- Huh.
That's our street.
Huh. Well, that's neat.
That is not neat.
I may have committed an
unforgivable and irreversible blunder.
Okay, Nandor, don't get
your knickers in a twist.
I-I accidentally told
this Joanna Roscoe
that we have lived in this
street for many centuries.
- You did what?
And now she and all of the viewers
of Channel 8 News Live at 7
know that we are vampires.
- And now
And now all of the humans are going to
drive us out of Staten Island
like they drove us
out of the Old Country.
[LASZLO] Alea iacta est.
- Game over.
No, no!
This time, we fight!
This is our last stand!
- Who's with me?
- Me!
Silence! I have a plan.
I think we should kill Joanna Roscoe.
And what would that solve?
Do you have any better ideas?
Where is Guillermo?!
So, yeah, tonight's kind of a farewell,
goodbye dinner for me and my mom.
She doesn't know that it's a goodbye,
but when I become a full vampire,
it won't be safe for my family,
or for me because
they are vampire killers,
and I'll be a vampire.
[SIGHS] It's kind of heavy, actually,
if you think about it.
No one imagines they'll have to say
a final goodbye to their mom, but
here we are.
- Mami.
Oh. Oh, everyone's here.
I thought it was just going
- to be you and me.
- Hi.
Oh, Tía. Wow, you're also here.
You hungry? You hungry?
Hey, Memo.
These guys are still
doing that documentary
on losers who work at the railroad, huh?
- All right.
- Ah, I'm just playing.
- Okay.
- Hey, we're putting my tía's
- gifts right there.
- Hmm?
The gifts.
Wait, you didn't bring a gift
for your own mama's birthday?
[GUILLERMO] So, funny thing.
In the middle of, uh,
making it a big day about me,
I totally forgot that
it's a big day for her.
It's her birthday,
but birthday or no, I need to do this.
Mami, Mami.
- Can I talk to you in private, please?
[JOANNA] local resident
Nandor, who has some insights.
[JOANNA] part of a pattern
of local infrastructure failures?
Yes, Joanna. If I may
To the millions and millions of viewers
of Channel 8 News Live at 7,
- you will forget
- [TED] Apologies to Joanna and Mr. De Laurentis,
but we have some breaking news.
The National Weather
Service has announced
a severe thunderstorm
warning for the city.
We now go to meteorologist
Heather Dupont
[WHISPERS] I leave the house
for one fucking minute
[MIGUEL] Memo!
It's not a big deal,
as long as they just
answer the fucking phone.
- [LASZLO] Fucking hell.
- Damn!
- Look out, look out!
- [LASZLO] Oh, fuck this. Ah!
- Should I answer that?
- [LASZLO] Announcement.
After methodical
analysis, I have decided
that it is not a good idea
to kill Joanna Roscoe.
No shit, you human fart.
Now, help me booby-trap the staircase.
Maybe I should just
take it off the hook?
- [GUILLERMO] Hello?
Colin Robinson, now is not
the time for decorating.
Get your fucking go-bag.
Vampires must always
be prepared to skip out of town
at a moment's notice.
I have been chased
out of five, maybe six
villages over the course
of my vampiric life,
and believe me, you don't want to be
caught out there fleeing with
only the clothes on your back,
sleeping at the bottom of a cold well,
sucking on the throats
of the mountain goats
you once called your brothers.
No. So, what was the first thing I did
when I moved to Staten Island?
I made the go-bags.
[LASZLO] I have decided
on a multi-part plan.
The first part of which:
Kidnap Joanna Roscoe.
And how is that going to help?
Takes us to step two.
- [NADJA GROANS] Everybody,
in your go-bags you will find
your emergency fleeing checklist.
Okay. "Ancestral soils."
Check. "Three days' supply of blood."
Eh Oof.
A little bit rank, but check.
"Memorize new identity." [CLEARS THROAT]
My name is Sally Rhubarb.
I am a blonde girl from a large farm,
and my blackberry pie wins
every year at the county fair."
- Don't sit there.
- Why not?
- The whole ground floor is booby-trapped
for our final stand.
Oh, yes, because the attackers
first thing they will do
is come down and take a nice rest.
I think you're all
wasting valuable time.
- Thank you.
- What you need to do
is get a kidnapping sack.
No, you need to get your go-bag.
And you need to trust the plan.
- Get your go-bag.
- Trust the plan.
- Get your go-bag.
- Trust
Hey, you two may want
to have your argument
away from the chandelier fall zone.
- Also, mind the trip wire.
- [LASZLO] Fucking hell.
- Places, places!
- It's all right. It's all right, my darling.
- I'll protect you.
- This is it. This is our final stand.
- Be calm.
Would you stop fucking
saying that, Colin Robinson?
[LASZLO] Step back, my darling.
- Friends, fear not.
I went back to Channel 8 News Live at 7
and hypnotized the audience, so
We saw. And no, you did
not hypnotize anyone, Nandor.
Those television humans interrupted
your blather with a warning of a storm.
This is all Guillermo's fault!
- He's not back yet, is he?
- [LASZLO] No.
Also, why is your hair yellow, Nadja?
- I am not Nadja.
- Oh.
I am Sally Rhubarb.
There is only one way out of this:
We must kill Joanna Roscoe.
[LASZLO] Which were my thoughts exactly,
but if you follow "Arrow F,"
you'll find a far more
sophisticated plan.
"Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"?
Which is step one of the plan.
- And then what?
- Step two.
Welcome back to Channel
8 News, Live at 7.
We'll check in with
Joanna Roscoe, but first
[MIGUEL] And then I saw that
diesel was as cheap as gas.
So I took it back to
the rent-a-car spot
and say, "Hey, homie,
how am I supposed to know
- Corollas don't take diesel?"
- Are you okay?
- [MIGUEL] You know what?
He doesn't listen, all
right? Don't even bother.
- I'm listening.
That's what it is. The screens.
You need to cut that
shit off, cold turkey.
Just like I did with
the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma?
Guillermo, you're working
too much. It's not healthy.
[MIGUEL] You need to be
healthy like I am. No Sierra Mist,
no whack bosses. I told my last boss,
"Hey, jefe, you want to try
to ruin my life like that?
Boom. Toma."
But, you know, you're
probably too scared
- to do that.
- I'm not scared, Miguel.
I'm not scared. I
recently made a big move.
My old boss kept
promising me a promotion,
and I got tired of waiting.
- [WOMAN] Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
- So I'm here.
- Are you here, though?
- Yeah, I'm here.
Why are you still all
on your phone, then?
Because, it's the
transition. I haven't
officially left the old railroad,
and, uh, haven't officially started
- the new one.
- How many railroads even are there?
Let's just eat, huh? Why
don't we all just eat?
[GUIDE] I do not have a name
in the traditional sense.
[JOANNA] And you said that
you work for the city
Right, Joanna Roscoe.
There will be damage.
Bloodshed, too.
This is why I propose a truce.
Because we are not so
different, you and us.
We all want peace.
- [SEAN] Yello?
- Hey, Sean,
this is Guillermo from next door.
Yo, Guillermo. How's it
goin'? What can I do for you?
Yeah, I was wondering if
you could do me a favor.
If you can go next
door and tell the vam
Uh, Laszlo and Nadja
and everyone at the house
if they could just, can they stay
inside the house and just stay put
until I get there? Could
you do that for me, please?
[SEAN] That's gonna be a little tricky.
There's been a water
main break on our street,
[SHOUTING] and these TV
fuckers parked their van
- right on the front lawn
- And someone else is here.
- which I just resodded last year.
- Sean? What are you doing?
The territory of Staten Island
can, nay, must be shared
between our people
Looks like there's a lot
of excitement over there.
Speaking of excitement,
you'll never guess what this
Bronx seventh grader is doing
to raise money for the rainforest.
[LASZLO] A nine-step plan!
- Make sure it's bloody straight, you idiot.
- Yes.
Reason and diplomacy did not work,
as you all saw.
So let us do it. Let us flee.
- Us?
- Yes.
And if they won't go,
then it will be just you
and I, into the night.
Um, okay. C-Cool.
I shall go prepare my disguise.
So, bad news.
There's been an emergency
with, uh, a train.
So I'm gonna have to head out.
[SPEAKS SPANISH] I called it, didn't I?
Mami? Mami, can we just
have that talk really quick,
- the one I was telling you about?
Gracias. Por favor.
[LASZLO] Hello?
- Laszlo? Laszlo.
- Who is this?
Sorry, Mom. Por favor.
What do you mean, "who
is it"? It's Guillermo.
Oh, Gizmo. What do you want?
What the hell's going on over there?
[LASZLO] Can't talk right now.
To cut a shit story short,
- we've been found out.
- Huh?
The whole world knows that
vampires are real and that we are they.
Okay, Laszlo, just do me a favor.
Just stay put, okay? I'll be over soon.
- Don't you tell me what to do.
- [NANDOR] Laszlo?
- I have con
- [GUILLERMO] Laszlo?
- That's too small, you prick.
- Who's there with you?
- You think?
- Just stay put, okay?
We have to get Joanna
Roscoe's entire body in there.
- No. What are you
- [LASZLO] We need to get a grown woman in there.
What are you What are you doing?
I think this bag is big enough.
- All right, well, get in it.
- Laszlo?
- Okay.
- What's going on? Laszlo?
- Oy vey. Too small.
- Too fucking small.
-If we are to kidnap Joanna Roscoe,
- we need a sack large enough for her entire body.
- Beep, beep.
Now, don't phone here again.
We are incredibly busy.
- Do not kidnap
- We don't need to be distracted.
Gizmo? Huh.
Blasted boy, hung up on me.
Fucking hell, Nandor. Get a bigger sack.
I found one!
- No, Nandor.
- This is a very big bag.
I tried it already. I fit.
It's translucent.
We could add a blindfold?
- Yes, but it would add time.
- Is anybody listening to me?
You need to get your go-bags!
- Mami?
- Mm-hmm?
How's it going?
It was like this when I got here.
[NADJA] So, this is it, then?
This is really goodbye, my agápi mou.
I'm afraid so, my mátia mou.
I must see my plan through.
It has many steps.
- [GUIDE] Ready!
- Oh!
- Oh.
- So, when the villagers who are chasing us
say they are looking for
a blonde and a brunette
Well, I guess I didn't
really think it through.
The Guide.
A great enemy is upon us.
Joanna Roscoe and her
army of Channel 8 viewers.
This is not the first foe we have met,
nor will it be the last.
They may outnumber us,
they may have a satellite truck
and a Sky High chopper,
whatever the fuck,
- but what do we have?
- Go-bags!
- Kidnapping sack.
- The skull of Orson Welles.
Each other.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Look at us, running
around, this way and that,
focusing on our own plans.
We all have a part to play in this,
and play it we must,
- but together.
- Hear, hear.
- Thank you, Laszlo.
- Now, get the fuck on with it
Yes, this is all your fault, you know.
For this shithole on
Staten Island is our home,
and 30 years from now,
when you, Nadja,
are sat there by that fireplace
and you have a little
ghost dolly on your knee,
and she looks up at you, and she says,
"What did you do during
the great vampire battle?"
Maybe you won't need to say to her,
"Me, dolly? I was shoveling
shit in Louisiana."
- I would never do that.
Okay, you guys, I'm back.
No need to worry 'cause I have a plan
- [NANDOR] Whoa.
- [LASZLO] Shit!
[NADJA] For crying out loud.
[NANDOR] We are fine, Guillermo.
In fact, we are better
than fine. We are great.
We have our own plan.
Okay, I'm just trying to help cal
Nadja, when did you go blonde?
- I mean, you look really
- I don't have time to tell you
everything that you've missed, traitor.
Look, I know I haven't
been around, but
It's fine. I get it.
You have your life and we have ours.
And if tonight has
taught us nothing else,
then it has taught us this:
We can survive quite easily without you.
Well, okay, then.
Wait, what?
You seem to have everything
under control, so good luck.
I wouldn't go that way if I were you.
- Why not?
- Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty?
A schrapnellmine in
the authentic German?
[HEATHER] Our latest model is now
showing that those mild showers
won't be hitting the five boroughs
until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest.
[LISA] All right, that's
great news. Still time
to pull in that lawn furniture.
[TED] And speaking of unexpected waters,
Joanna Roscoe is back
with an update for us
on that Staten Island water main break.
What's it looking like, Joanna?
Hi, Ted. I am happy to report
that this story finally
has a happy ending.
The water main has been sealed,
and the underground leaks
have been brought under control.
Now there is a small sinkhole,
but the area has been cordoned off
to prevent it from widening any further
until we can get a street crew out here
to fill it in the morning, but, hey,
at the risk of sounding
overly optimistic,
it looks like residents are on their way
to having their street
back any moment now. I
- [NANDOR] Wait. Wait!
- Kevin, you got this?
Looks like this story
is not quite over yet.
A very odd and dangerous new
development happening here.
- Whoa, whoa whoa
- Shit!
[NADJA] Fucking idiots!
[JOANNA] An antique car has rolled into
the sinkhole, and a group of locals
- are now working together to retrieve it.
- [LASZLO] Initiate diversion, Colin Robinson.
Initiate diversion.
[JOANNA] All right,
there's a guy, and, uh,
he doesn't work for us.
Okay, and he's throwing
fire in the van. Kev?
[JOANNA] Oh! Holy fuck.
Nope, not my problem.
[LISA] All right, uh,
apologies to our viewers,
but it appears we have
lost our Staten Island feed.
[TED] We are working to contact our team
to make sure everything is okay.
[KEVIN] We lost the feed. We lost it.
- Are you getting this? Are you filming?
- [KEVIN] Satellite's not transmitting to studio,
- but I'm recording on the card.
- Get it on the memory card.
- Do not stop.
What is going on? Are they flying?!
Oh, oh!
Okay, call the station
and tell them that
- we're coming in with the footage.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- [ALL] What?
I think Joanna caught
us flying on tape. FYI.
We need to follow that tape
and steal that tape
and destroy that tape.
[LASZLO] Absolutely, continue
with the second part of the plan.
This sounds like a
slightly different plan.
No, it's the same plan. Bat!
Apologies, for the
technical difficulties, folks,
but I hear we have some
truly inexplicable footage
from Joanna en route.
[COLIN] Hand it over, camera jockey.
[LASZLO] Show yourself, Joanna Roscoe.
[COLIN] I got Joanna's camera!
Ladies and gentlemen, one moment.
Bit of confusion here in studio.
[TED] I'll say. Who are you people?
What are you doing in here?
This is a closed set
[NANDOR] You will fall
asleep and forget everything
that has happened here tonight.
And then fall off your chair.
What about all the people
who just saw Lisa Lipton
and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized?
[NADJA] We go on and
hypnotize them, too?
[NANDOR] Yes, good idea.
[QUIVERING VOICE] To all of the
viewers of the Channel 8 News,
you will remember nothing
out of the ordinary tonight.
[NANDOR] That is all ye know,
and all ye need to know.
Actually, pretty solid solution.
Should we just leave now?
No, that will look very suspicious
to the humans that have just tuned in.
Just read the words on the screen.
Hip-hip pup-rade.
Indeed. It is time again
for Staten Island's annual puppy parade.
Which is always a barking good time.
Here's hoping we have some nice weather
for these promenading pooches.
And now, let's turn it over to
Colin Robinson with the weather.
Seems like a wet one out there tonight,
right, Colin Robinson?
Not as wet as it could have been, Nadja,
but still, no fun for anyone
who forgot their umbrella at home.
Let's take a look at
the News 8 WeatherWall
with high Doppler action.
And this patch right here,
um well, that's
a little schmutz there
on the old WeatherWall
with high Doppler action.
But this patch up here,
this is a bit of good news.
New Yorkers, you can rest easy tonight
and enjoy a little
sunshine this weekend.
Perfect weather for a puppy parade.
Our four-legged friends will
certainly be happy to hear that.
And now we turn to
Laszlo Cravensworth,
who better be telling me
my New York football Giants
are raring to go for Sunday's
game against the Cowboys.
Thanks, Nandor.
From your lips to Coach Daboll's ears.
Big Blue is having a big season,
but the Cowboys are
on a roll themselves.
So let's just say that for either team,
the road to a W is going to be paved
with blood, sweat and tears.
Here's my lovely wife Nadja.
Thank you, my love.
Well, that is it for
us tonight, New York.
And from everyone at Channel 8 News:
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Bye, then.
[LASZLO] That's it, try and look normal.
Well, good.
I don't want anything bad
to happen to them, so
I guess I always
imagined the hardest part
of being a vampire was
keeping your identity a secret,
but I guess the hardest part is
[SIGHS] who you leave behind.
You know?
The goodbyes.
What the fuck is going on?!

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