What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e06 Episode Script

Urgent Care

You will want to get this on camera. Ha!
Quickly. Gizmo!
Gizmo? Gizmo, get up.
- Yeah? Yeah?
- Where's Nandor?
Um, I think he's, uh, indisposed
at the moment, um, in his bedroom.
Ha, shaking hands with Rosie
Palmer and her five milkmaids.
- What?
- What? Follow me.
[GUILLERMO] Laszlo's still
the only one who knows
I'm half-vampire and he's
been doing experiments to help.
Happy to report that
there's been some progress.
My telekinesis has gotten better.
Pretty cool, huh?
I have discovered something
wonderful with the frogs
- that I injected with your blood.
- Wait,
you-you did what with my blood?
- Why are they so hairy?
Well, why are you so hairy? Who cares?
- Now, bon voyage.
- What? No!
Those poor frogs!
[LASZLO] Shit.
- Come on, little guy, come on, you can do it.
- Shh!
- Your turn.
- To do what?
I want you to leap off that balcony.
What? No, I'll break my legs.
- Bullshit. You saw those frogs.
- Yeah.
They were transformed
by your blood, they flew.
Ipso facto, shithead
so can you.
- But what if I can't?
- Yeah, but what if you can?
What if you can?
- That would be pretty cool.
- It would be
very cool. Now, I calculate
we have exactly two minutes before
Nandor finishes making pearl jam.
- Right.
- So I'll see you at the bottom.
As the actress said
to the bishop. [LAUGHS]
Come on, Guillermo.
I believe in you and
I love you, Guillermo.
Come on, Gizmo, let her rip.
Launch yourself forward,
see what happens.
- We should practice closer to the floor first.
- No.
No, no, no. You will
never fly unless you need to.
Panic is the secret ingredient.
Now, come on.
I'm doing it! [LAUGHS]
- [NANDOR] Guillermo?
- Yes, Master
- That's how we all learned.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪

- [NANDOR] Oh, shit.
What is this screaming? Is
someone squeezing a snake?
- Oh. Fucking hell.
- [NANDOR] What happened?
Well, I don't know. I was in
the library. Don't look at me.
Does it hurt?
Because it looks like it really hurts.
- Hey, boners.
- [LASZLO] What?
Nice shiner, Colin Robinson.
Hey, look at this dude.
[NADJA] Someone's had
an interesting evening.
- Please help me.
- [COLIN] Wow.
What happened to dingus' foot?
[LASZLO] Who gives a fuck? Tell us
what happened to your blackened eye.
Yes, was it fisticuffs?
[GASPS] Did you get kicked by a donkey?
Stop guessing and stop grabbing me.
This is the problem.
Take it easy, summer breezy.
[COLIN] Every time I
go to drain someone,
they see my black eye and
want to know what happened.
All of a sudden, I'm too
G-damn interesting to drain anyone.
- What the fuck?
- [NANDOR] Really?
You think you are too interesting?
I know I am. I mean,
this exact same thing happened
when I came back from Vietnam.
[NANDOR] Whoa.
- You were in 'Nam?
- [LASZLO] Well, thank you for your service.
Colin Robinson, I had no
idea you were in the Army.
Oh, I-I wasn't in the Army.
About six years ago,
I took a cycling trip with Backroads.
- On the third day, we found
a dead body. In a tree.
- [NANDOR] No kidding?
- With an ox's asshole
around its neck like a necklace.
- What?
- How did that happen?
Some poor farmer and
his ox must've stepped
on a decommissioned land mine and
blew him up into the tree and the ox's
asshole must've landed on his head.
- [LASZLO] Good grief.
- Fascinating.
I wasn't expecting that ending.
[COLIN] See? It's the black eye makes
- my stories too interesting.
- Do you think
that your black eye also
has a very interesting story?
Unfortunately, yes,
it's fucking remarkable.
[LASZLO] But this is Colin Robinson.
I mean, he can't have any more
fascinating stories in him.
Gee, you tell me. A
five-pound frozen block
of shit and piss fall
off a plane, landing
- on a 308 Ferrari
- [NADJA] No way.
and blowing the sideview
mirror right into my kisser.
Well, fuck my old boots. Son of a bitch!
- Frozen blocks of pisses and shits?
- [COLIN] Yes.
- What will they think of next?
Guillermo, oi
No, fuck this, I want to stay here
and listen to his wonderful stories.
- Yes, me too.
- Guillermo is your familiar.
I just went to get him new
trousers a year ago. It is your turn.
Fine. Fuck it. Whatever.
Okay, Guillermo, stop lying around.
Let's get that (SPEAKS
GREEK) of yours looked at.
[LASZLO] Come on, boys, to the lab.
- Tell me more about this ox's anus.
- [GUILLERMO] It really hurts.
Okay already, I said we're going.
Oh! Laszlo, my love,
did you just see a hairy frog?
The only hairy frog I'm interested in,
my darling, is the
one between your legs.
It's not just a frog.
- It's the whole swamp.
- True.
[LAUGHS] Come on.
Off you go, my love.
Where are you? Come on, boy. [WHISTLES]
Come on, boy. Where the fuck
are you, you fucking frog?
Are either of you
allergic to penicillin?
- No.
- What is that?
Just ragweed
- and chewing gum.
- Chewing gum?
How unusual.
- That is unusual.
- Guys, guys.
You're literally killing me.
Right, let's crack on.
When I flick this switch,
the lights will flash, there'll be a
horrible noise and a terrible odor
as I transfer the
life energy from Nandor
into Colin Robinson.
Sorry, Laszlo, I do have one question.
- [LASZLO] Which is?
- Will it hurt?
Pain like you've never known.
And furthermore, if you're
overdrained, you could die.
Fuck this, I'm out.
- What?
- W-Wait a minute.
- I'm starving.
- And you will be fed, Colin Robinson.
But I think we should
revert to our original plan.
- The original plan? Are you mad?
- [NANDOR] I think it's a pretty good plan.
We cover your black eye with makeup
and make you boring again.
It does seem a lot simpler.
- Let's do that.
- [LASZLO] All right.
- Cowards.
- [COLIN] Makes sense.
Turn your back on
science at your own peril.
- We'll take our chances. Thank you, Laszlo.
- Yeah.
[GUILLERMO] [GRUNTS] Seriously, Nadja,
I don't need urgent care.
I can just sleep it off.
Do you really think
I want to doing this?
If it was up to me, I would
have just packed your ankle
in some mud made from fish piss
and fed you some pickled pig's ears.
But, no, my husband
thinks a doctor is better.
the science, my darling."
- [GUILLERMO] I don't know what's going on
with my body right now,
but if a doctor finds out
that I'm almost a
vampire, I'm a dead man.
And if Nadja finds out,
it'll be worse, so
- Stop squirming, Guillermo, we're very close now.
No, you know what? I feel a lot better.
The vampire doctor is going
to fix your mangled foot.
What? You said we were
going to urgent care.
- Yes, Familiar Urgent Care, silly.
- No. No, Nadja, no!
Oh, just look at all
these people to feed from.
I don't know, I kind of
feel like I want go home
- and take the train to sleepy town.
- No!
It would be a sleep of death.
Just take a look at
all these losers, hmm?
[COLIN] Outdoor diners.
- They do deserve it.
- [NANDOR] Yes.
- Great start.
- Uh, excuse me.
I notice you have a d Oh. Ooh.
- You got this.
- [COLIN] Doggie bag.
Interesting story about how the
origin of the doggie bag started.
It was actually a Ow!
- [MAN] Oh, shit!
- [COLIN] Son of a bitch!
World War II, they would
- take food home for their dog
- [WOMAN] Did you see that?
- instead of wasting it.
Don't look at me! This isn't interesting.
What have you done?
Someone ran over my
foot, shithead. It hurt.
- Tell them to go away.
- Nothing interesting here. Keep moving, please.
Stop filming me!
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
Shoo! He needs privacy.
- It is fine.
- [COLIN] Nandor, take me home.
I'm taking you home.
We're gonna go home.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
- No!
- [MAN] What the fuck? That's the dude from Mad Men.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- [MAN 2] Oh, where's your martini, bud?
- Hi.
- [COLIN] You got to be kidding me.
[MAN 2] Damn, you just
got hit by John Slattery.
- That is crazy.
- What the heck happened?
You stepped off the curb
without even looking.
What happened is you ran over my foot!
We really need to go.
My friend is not well.
Let me drive you to
the hospital. I-I just
played a-a doctor on a
season of The Good Fight.
- They love me over there.
- That was a really good episode.
It doesn't even really hurt that much
- anymore.
- Well, I'll-I'll drive you home, please?
- It's the least I can do.
- You know what?
We will accept your generous offer.
- Yes, yes.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- [MAN] Hey, John, over here.
- We will be in that car alone
with this gentleman
that owes you a debt.
Which you will collect by feeding.
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
John Slattery coming to the
aid of the guy he just ran over.
- Shotgun left.
- Fuck!
- John Slattery, please.
- [MAN] You're a hero, John.
- [MAN 2] One of the greats.
- [COLIN] He's not one of the greats.
- He's a reckless driver.
- [MAN] You're a reckless
- walker.
- Peasants, disperse!
- Begone!
- [MAN] He call us peasants?
- [MAN] Oh, rude.
[GUILLERMO] Animal hospital?
Why are we-why are we going here?
- [WHISPERING] This is for pets. I'm not a dog.
- Shh! Potato, "potahto."
[NORMAL VOLUME] Um, yes, hello,
um, I've got a broken familiar.
- So, you're gonna want to go around that corner
- Yeah, I've been here before.
There is nothing to see here.
It is just a Doberman
with a floppy tail.
- Hold on tight.
- Wait, where are we going?
- Uh, through the wall.
- No, no stop!
- That's a solid wall.
- No, it's not.
No. No! No! [GASPING] Okay.
- That was kind of cool.
- It's just a common cold, so there's gonna be sneezing
and coughing and that is
gonna be a burden on you,
so I have a recommendation.
And that is put her down.
- Oh, gosh, you really think so?
- [DOCTOR] Even if she recovers
from this cold, she's
good God, she's, like, almost 40.
She might squeeze out
a few more good years,
but we're talking quality of life.
Okay, let's do it.
No, fuck this. I'm out of here.
Oh, calm, down, it'll be okay.
[NADJA] Got a live one.
[LAUGHS] Thanks, guys.
- [DOCTOR] Sedate him, Jack.
- No.
- [NADJA] Fantastic.
- [DOCTOR] That's it.
Sweet dreams, Guillermo.
- [DOCTOR] Yeah, perfect.
[JOHN] You, uh, you okay back there?
You look like shit.
Well, yeah, I mean,
you ran over my foot.
Sorry about all the cell
phone pictures and stuff.
You know, you would
that people in New York
would have seen a famous actor before.
It is quite all right, John Slattery.
You have our gratitude.
[WHISPERS] Drain him.
find it, uh, difficult?
- What?
- Do you find it difficult
being an older actor?
Having to memorize lines?
Especially when you've been drinking.
Slattery that's an Irish name, right?
Wait, s-say that last part again.
What, "Slattery's an Irish name"?
I mean, I personally
don't mind the Irish.
But I just don't like it when
they try to sound intelligent.
Huh, wow.
- I could listen to you talk for hours.
- Exsqueeze me?
I mean, not to what you're
saying, but to that accent.
It's just so specific.
Where are you from?
- Well
- Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Upper Midwest.
For sure. Uh, Wisconsin?
But not eastern Wisconsin,
that would have more of
a Germanic influence to it, am I right?
Are you, like, prepping
for a role or something?
No, this isn't for a
role. I just love accents.
People are just walking
stories, you know?
In all their fascination
and specificity.
You ever see the movie Spotlight?
About the Boston Globe reporters
who uncovered the sexual abuse
coverup in the Catholic church?
- Yeah, exactly.
- No.
Oh. Well, in that I
played Ben Bradlee, Jr.
And that character
begins with the accent,
because the real Bradlee is from Boston.
But he's an upper-crust guy.
[BOSTON ACCENT] Not like some
jamoke standing around Kelly's Tavern
in, uh, Revere Beach,
you know what I mean?
- Very good, John Slattery.
- [REGULAR ACCENT] Not bad, right?
- But I was talking to him.
- Oh.
[JOHN] You know, it's funny, I had
this babysitter when I was a kid.
She was Irish. Her name was Vivian.
But again, sorry for your loss.
She was just a familiar, but thank you.
It is kind of nice to think of Cathy
on that rainbow bridge,
doing stuff with her familiar friends.
Having spaghetti or whatever
it is they dream of doing.
Well, they're in a better place now.
- Yes.
- [MUTTERS] I wish I was.
- I'm looking for a Nadja.
- [NORMAL VOLUME] Oh, yes.
- Please, can we go?
- Well,
Guillermo's ankle is healing up nicely,
which is very unusual, so
just to be safe
I say we put him down.
He could break that ankle again,
he could break the other ankle or
- he could just bitch a lot.
- Hmm.
Think we're just gonna take him home.
All right. Well, that is your choice.
- Yes.
- Oh, there's one more thing.
The results of that blood work
came back and they're very odd,
so I'm just gonna have it
retested, will not take long.
I promise I'm gonna get you
out of here well before sunrise.
[NADJA] Now I'm thinking,
"They're going to test him again?"
What if they find that Van
Helsing muck in his blood? [SPITS]
I'm going to have to
get him out of here.
[COLIN] Why are we heading towards
the Verrazzano Bridge?
Uh, are you-are you
taking us to Brooklyn?
taking us to Brooklyn? Are you
really That's a tough one.
It's got kind of a twang
to it. Say something else.
I don't want to go to Brooklyn.
don't want to go to Brooklyn?
little bit of an uptalk there.
want to go to Brooklyn?
- Can you let us out right h
let us out right here, please?
have these interesting
pauses in your speech, but
I can't tell if they're
regional or uniquely you or
It's just the most interesting accent
- I've ever heard.
- Okay, fuck this.
[JOHN] I mean, where are you from?
I'm sorry, guys. That's kind of
mean, right? I'm not
trying to make fun of you,
I'm just trying to get
it in my head, you know,
it's all about muscle memory.
Guillermo, why the hell
are you wearing a dress?
Hey, Nandor, you made it. Hey, girl.
Get your shit together, we got to go.
No, I want to lie down.
You know they gave me
some relax and it's making
me feel very medicine.
are testing your blood
and they're going to find
your Van Helsing germs
and whatever else you've got
going on in there and then
- they're going to kill you, so let's go!
- That sounds serious.
Can I say something?
- Nadja?
- What?
I think you're wonderful
and I love Ow!
You're a crazy bitch. But I love you.
You know who else I love is Laszlo.
But he's a horny little bitch.
I also love Colin Robinson.
He's, like, a little boring bitch.
Like, he's like an LBB.
But, you know, the one I love
the most is actually Nandor.
- Because he's, like, the queen bitch.
- Is that crazy?
Hey. Who's that bitch?
Wow, you are such a miracle worker.
He is back to a red, shiny,
fresh apple, so, think we're gonna get
- the ol' dog home now. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
I have a question for you.
Who turned him?
- Who what?
- According to his blood,
this familiar has been
turned into a vampire.
Yes, it's early stages,
but he is well on his way.
No, I'm sorry, there's
been a huge mistake.
Are you regretting turning
him? Because if you are,
you should have thought
of that before you did it.
- Guillermo?
- Yeah.
- A vampire?
- Yes.
That thing?
That loser is a vampire?
Absolutely not.
Have you seen how lame he is?
Science does not lie.
Now, it must be recent
because he's still transforming.
No one in our house
would do such a thing.
Well, then we have a
very big problem, 'cause
I'm gonna put him down.
Well, you can't do that because
He is our familiar!
- You need to let him go.
- Get your hands off of me!
Guillermo? Guillermo?
Guillermo! Guillermo!
Guillermo! Guillermo, snap out of it.
They think you are a bastard
vampire and they're going to kill you.
- Guillermo?
- [DOCTOR] Come on, girl.
Get out!
Guillermo? Hello?
Sorry. [CHUCKLES] Guillermo?
Nadja, hi.
What? You work here?
Volunteer, actually.
It's a way of giving back.
I mean, who rescued who, right?
- Have you seen Guillermo?
- Guillermo?
Oh, no, no, not here.
This place is just for strays.
- I have a family.
- Hey! Eat your chicken!
- [WHISPERS] He's not gonna make it.
- I can hear you.
Guillermo! Open!
[COLIN] Uh, I don't
think I can make it.
[NANDOR] Of course you're gonna
make it. I know this is difficult,
but you've got to be strong, okay?
I want you to go in here
and ask to use the toilet.
Then I want you to ask
for a sanitary wipe.
Then I want you to ask
when the last time
they cleaned the toilet.
Then I want you to tell them
you're gonna take a nice big shit, okay?
It's gonna buy you a
few more hours of energy.
- Whoa! Get the fuck out!
- [COLIN] Oh, fuck.
- May I use your toilet?
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
It's my guy from TikTok.
Whoa! Nobody fucking move.
- Jump around ♪
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson, that's you.
- [COLIN] Oh, for crying out loud.
- Yeah.
[NANDOR] How did they make
this so quick? And the music?
[NANDOR] Nice shot.
Thank you so much! You saved my store!
- He did?
- How clean's your toi
- It's
- No!
Colin Robinson!
- Guillermo!
- You can't be back here.
- Fuck off!
- Guillermo!
- Hey, girl.
Get off him! Get away!
- He's mine!
Get off him! Get off!
Shoo! Scram!
Now, what the fuck, man?
This doctor tells me
you're almost a vampire?
Oops, I have a little secret.
- Focus, Guillermo. The truth now.
Fine! Okay?
I took my fate into my own
destiny and I had Derek do it.
- I paid him to do it. He turned me into a vampire!
You could have been turned
by a legendary vampire,
and you gave it away to Derek?
Nandor is going to rip your
face into a new asshole.
Well, it doesn't matter,
does, it, 'cause these guys
- are gonna kill me anyways.
- Oh shut up, you dumb dick.
I'm not gonna let them kill
you. That is Nandor's privilege.
- Now, come on, let's go.
I told you, we need to put him down.
That's not going to happen.
He is coming with me,
and his master will
decide how to kill him.
If we release an abomination
like that onto the street,
I'm gonna lose my medical license.
[GUILLERMO] Nadja! Watch out.
[NADJA] Help me, you load.
- Oh, whoa.
- [GASPS] Good one, Guillermo!
- Ow.
- Yes!
Nice one.
- Ha!
- Watch out!
[GUILLERMO] Don't touch her!
- No!
[NADJA] You're just a glorified vet.
[GRUNTS] Guillermo!
- Nadja!
Get away from her, you bitch!
[EXHALES] [SLURRING] Thank you, Girerro.
Oh. I think I might've got a
little bit of poison in my face.
Do I look okay?
- Yeah. You look you look fine.
- Good.
Now go and find your clothes and I'll
Let's go.
Laszlo! Laszlo!
- What is it, man?
- Help!
Quick, to the laboratory.
- Laszlo, hurry. Please hurry.
- All right.
Now, brace yourself, fellas.
Turning the machine
- on.
- Is it working? Do you feel good?
- It hurt at first, but now I kind of like it.
- Yeah.
- What exactly is the purpose of this machine?
It's just a simple energy
transference device.
I originally built it to
combat situational impotence,
or whiskey dick, as you might call it.
Oh, that makes sense,
'cause I'm getting a little
tickle in my pickle.
Well, that's an accident,
'cause I removed that aspect.
- Must be the vibrations.
- Could be.
Or could be the smell.
I really like the smell of burning hair.
What about you, Nandor?
How are you finding it?
Oh, fuck.
- Shit. Turning the machine off.
Reverse the process, Laszlo.
Well, I can't. It's too late, isn't it?
- Look at him. Shit.
- Get fucking downstairs!
- Shit.
- Go ahead. I'll reenergize Nandor myself.
- How?
- [NADJA] Laszlo!
- Well, if I can drain the energy from people,
I sure as hell can put it back in them.
- Just go. Trust me.
- [NADJA] Get downstairs!
- Coming, my darling.
- [NADJA] Don't you "darling" me.
[LASZLO] Would I be
wrong in sensing some
- [SINGSONGY] Nandor? Hello.
It's your boy, Colin Robinson.
But I'm going to tell
you my real name. It's
But I-I had to change it
because people would
laugh when they realized
that the initials spelled out "ass."
Do you know who it was
that pointed that out to me?
- [WEAKLY] No.
- It was my ex-boyfriend,
- Davy Crockett.
At the Alamo.
- Really?
- Yeah.
If-if you don't believe me,
maybe this knife that Jim
Bowie gave me will convince you.
- [LASZLO] My darling, you need to calm down.
- I mean, what the hell?
- We have a little two-faced bitch,
lying-behind-the-back vampire in the
house and my husband doesn't think
- I need to know about it?
- Cool it, my darling.
I'm just trying to find a cure.
All right? Now,
if I can stop the transformation,
maybe Nandor can turn Gizmo.
You are a worthless piece of
big, wet skatá, Guillermo.
- Yeah.
- When Nandor finds out, he's going to kill you.
And then he's going to kill all of us.
- Mm.
- And then he's going to kill himself.
- Then don't tell him.
- I'm not going
to lie to my housemate to cover up
- your treachery. [SPITS]
- [GUILLERMO] Just give me
a chance to make this up.
When I did this, I didn't
Finally. Well, well, well.
You've been gone all night.
What, you can't even call?
- They tried to put me down.
- What? Why?
What did the doctor say?
[LASZLO] Uh, uh, uh
Guillermo is fine.
Just your average weak-boned,
- broken-foot familiar.
I guess someone won't be
cutting a rug anytime soon.
[NANDOR] Wait.
Don't move.
the hell
is this?
[NANDOR] Really? A frog?
A frog that flies and has hair
and looks kind of like you?
Guillermo, do you think I am an idiot?
[WHISPERS] Say no.
- [NANDOR] That's right.
Because this is precisely what happens
when a little birdy
sneaks into this house,
fucks a mouse, they have
a child that grows up
that then fucks a frog
that looks like you.
[SIGHS] This is a direct
result of your slacking.
We are not running a
fucking circus here.
- Yeesh.
Give him to me.
You may have fooled him,
'cause he has the IQ
of a Russian toilet,
but I know you're up to
something, aren't you,
you little sneaky Pete?
Okay, Colin,
- if I tell you something
- [COLIN] Psych.
I couldn't give two squirts.
It's in the blood, man ♪
It's in the blood ♪
It's in the blood, man ♪
- It's in the blood ♪
- [FROG] Gui
- ller mo.
- Surely not.
ller mo.
Yeah. Carry on.
It's in the blood, man ♪
It's in the blood, man ♪
It's in the blood, man ♪
Get it or not ♪
It's in the blood, man ♪
It's in the blood, man ♪
It's in the blood, man ♪
Tell him or not ♪
- It's in the blood, man ♪
- If you catch the cure ♪
- It's in the blood, man ♪
- If you catch the cure ♪
- It's in the blood, man ♪
- You can tell without knowing ♪
- It's in the blood, man ♪
- If you catch the cure ♪
- It's in the blood, man ♪
- If you catch the cure ♪
It's in the blood, man. ♪
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