What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e09 Episode Script

1
Huh.
Says here that sour cream
is on sale over at Shop Mart.
[LASZLO] Shut up, Colin Robinson.
[GUIDE] Knock, knock.
Guillermo, there's someone at the door.
[LAUGHS] No, that was me
just saying, "Knock, knock."
Guillermo, never mind. It was nobody.
Mm. Oh, I just came
by to remind everyone
that tonight is my
big art gallery opening
- of all the paintings I've been working on.
- [LASZLO] Paintings?
The intoxicating elixir
to the weary mind.
Who is the artist?
I am.
Tell me more about the sour
cream sale, Colin Robinson.
[GUIDE] Wait. You're all coming,
right? 'Cause you did RSVP yes.
Eh sort of hard to
shuffle things around
at this late stage,
but let us think on it.
This is a really good book, so
[SIGHS] Okey doke.
Oh! Uh, you received
a message in the post
from a Perdita Morrigan?
Perdita Morrigan?
- Yeah.
- Oh, the Perdita Morrigan?
Who's Perdita Morrigan?
- Could you read the note?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- [NADJA] Hurry it up. Let's hear it.
- All right.
"Mrs. Morrigan requests
the pleasure of your company
for a weekend at her ancestral
state Morrigan Manor."
Morrigan Manor, my love!
[WHOOPS]
[NADJA] Perdita Morrigan
is the grand dame of
vampiric high society in the New World.
Yeah. She's the matriarch of one of
America's first vampiric families.
She came over on the Mayflower.
She was there at the Plymouth Colonies
during the first
winter, when 45 men died.
[NADJA] And 23 of those were murders
committed by Perdita herself.
She just did it
very quietly, and then
blamed it on the cold weather.
[LAUGHS]
Perdita Morrigan holds
a Met Ball after-party
that is so exclusive,
no one is invited.
[GUIDE] I mean, I get it.
This Perdita is some big shot,
but my vampires know how hard
I've been working on these paintings.
I think they will make
the right decision.
Guillermo, bring the car
around. We are out of here.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪
[GATE CREAKING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[GUILLERMO] All right, here we are.
- Wakey-wakey.
- [COLIN GROANS]
- [GUILLERMO] Wow, look at this place.
- Fan-cy.
I need to realign my chakras.
[GROANING, FARTING]
Oops. Yeah.
That's gonna happen.
- [BATS SCREECHING]
- [COLIN] Whew.
It means you're doing it right. [LAUGHS]
What's with this silly shit?
- Is that stuck on?
- Oh.
No, I-I thought I'd grow
it out for the weekend.
Mm. Really?
- You can grow a mustache that fast?
- Oh, yeah.
No, I have to shave,
like, three times a day.
Not just my face either.
- Okay.
- Undercarriage, chest, balls
Ooh! We made it.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes, sorry you had to fly the whole way.
- [COUGHS]
- It's just there wasn't really
- any room in the car.
- Yeah.
I think it was almost 200 miles.
- [NANDOR] About that.
- [GUILLERMO] Over 200.
[GUIDE] I have a treat for you.
- I brought the paintings.
- Oh.
I figured if you all couldn't
come to the art opening,
then the art opening
can come to you guys.
Oh. Guys?
Oh, I get it, you want to
look at them inside. Okay.
- [DOOR CREAKS]
- [NADJA] Ooh.
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [GUIDE] Hello?
Perdita? Hello?
[NANDOR] A little dingy.
Are you sure the invitation
was for this weekend?
- Yes! Oh, she left us a note.
- [NANDOR] A note?
It says, "Dear Guests "
- [GASPS]
- That's us.
"Welcome to Morrigan Manor.
So sorry not to greet you
in person, but please repair
to the drawing room, where I have left
a more personal message for you."
- [BUTTON CLICKS]
- [PERDITA] Well, hello,
my darling guests, and also greetings.
I beg you, please excuse my absence,
- but something has come up
- What?
[PERDITA] and I won't
be joining you this weekend.
- Shit.
- But please, do enjoy
all the amenities
my home has to offer
the fencing gymnasium,
the hunting grounds, the
historic bell tower
Is it me or is this chick hella boring?
[PERDITA] and of
course, the board games room.
- [COLIN GROANS]
- But be warned
Morrigan Manor can be
a treacherous place.
- [CLOCK CHIMING]
- You must all watch out for one another,
and take care of each other.
- Yeah.
- [PERDITA] You must operate
as the family that you are,
- not as six individuals
- Six?
[PERDITA] who only
look out for themselves.
- Ah.
- [PERDITA] So, good luck
and ciao-ciao for now.
[NADJA] What a big fat bummer.
But she is known for her
extremely busy social schedule.
Is anyone concerned
about that last part?
About Morrigan Manor being treacherous?
Not in the slightest. However
sunrise is approaching.
Perhaps we should slumber
- and worry about it later.
- [YAWNS]
- Good?
- Now you're talking.
- Except for the luggage.
- [YAWNING]
- [NADJA] Good night.
- I was kind of hoping you'd
get it unloaded and unpacked,
if you don't mind. ASAP. Thank you.
I should probably get my
paintings from the car.
That's okay. I can grab them for you.
Thank you, Guillermo. You're so kind.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[LASZLO] My first
thought was to "parry."
My second intention, to "riposte."
It's just my "point-in-line."
That's fencing humor.
You'll get used to it.
- Ah, I see you're enjoying the gymnasium, mm?
- Yes.
- What a well-appointed one it is at that.
- Indeed.
Care to go a few rounds, my friend?
En garde!
Whew!
What's wrong?
Afraid of a little friendly competition?
No. I prefer to practice on my dummy.
Oh. Are you sure?
Quite sure.
Okay. Um
- All right. Have fun.
- Ta-ta.
♪
Where did you come from?
Well, I see sportsmanship
is not your forte.
You need to be taught a lesson.
And then there were two.
Well, I've always been
partial to a threesome.
Shall we dance?
Hey, Laszlo, I thought you
didn't want a fencing partner.
[LASZLO] Sorry, can't talk
right now. I have my hands full.
Here, you forgot this.
And you're certain
you don't need my help?
No, I'm in the zone with these chaps.
- [GUIDE SIGHS]
- [LASZLO] Now, where were we?
Ah, yes. En garde!
Take that!
And that. Ha!
And that.
Like that, do you?
Ménage à quatre. Why not?
Oh-ho!
[FENCER GROANS]
[LASZLO] A bit of the
rope-a-dope! To here.
Come on, chaps, this is too easy.
Ha ha!
Is that all you've got?
You what?
Well, I suppose this gives you
what we gentlemen
call a sporting chance.
Watch your fingers.
I learned that in Germany.
That, in Afghanistan.
[LASZLO LAUGHS]
[GRUNTING]
- [FENCER GRUNTS]
- [LASZLO] Oh, yes.
Lovely.
[ALL GRUNTING]
- [FENCERS GROANING]
- [LASZLO LAUGHS]
♪
- Oh, shit.
- [FENCERS SHOUT]
So
the horsies can go up two and over one?
I don't know how to play this shit.
I thought you'd know
how to play this shit.
- Mm, that's fun.
- [SHRIEKS] Eesh!
Shades of Bacchus.
Guess what? We got another
message from our hostess.
"My staff has prepared
a traditional hunt
for all of you shortly after moonrise."
- Ooh.
- "In the meantime,
please enjoy this art show
- of recent oil paintings."
- [LAUGHS]
- Perdita wrote that?
- [GUIDE] Well,
I added that last bit.
- But I do think you will love these.
- [COLIN] No, I won't
because I have never worn
those glasses in my life.
[NADJA] Has anyone seen Laszlo?
I can't find him anywhere.
- And it's really not like him.
- [COLIN] Oh
- Laszlo's missing, eh?
- Yeah.
Mm, the game is afoot.
You know, this house does have
a belfry filled with local bats.
Maybe Laszlo went up there.
Oh, so like my darling
perverted husband,
to sniff out the local bordello
immediately upon arrival. [CHUCKLES]
Could you take me to the belfry?
Of course I can. And also, before we go,
- would you like to take in?
- Uh, you know?
I saw some art last year. So I'm good.
- This way?
- Okay.
- Your move.
- Yes.
- Two at once.
- [EXHALING SOFTLY]
Inspired.
This is the belfry, and
where there's a belfry,
- there's bound to be
- Bats.
Yes, that is so like my Laszlo.
Laszlo is so lucky to
have someone like you.
- [STAIRS CREAKING]
- Someone who cares about him
and worries about his well-being.
Well, yes, Laszlo is
not just my husband,
or my number one fuckbuddy,
but he is also my best friend.
- Must be nice.
- Laszlo, you little pervert,
- here I come.
- [THUDDING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
What the fuck is behind that door?
Let me go first, to keep you safe.
[NADJA] Be careful.
[SHOUTS, SCREAMS]
Nadja, help!
- Yes, I'm coming.
- Help!
Here I come. I'm coming to he
- [FLOORBOARDS CRASHING]
- [NADJA SCREAMS]
[PANTS]
[LAUGHING]
It was just my eyes
playing tricks on me.
It's nothing. [GROANS]
Nadja, come back up!
Let's look for Laszl oh.
Oh, no.
- [HORN PLAYING]
- [NANDOR] Hurry, Guillermo.
That horn signifies
the release of the humans.
They're getting a head start on us.
They must be college athletes.
- The most challenging prey.
- [SHOUTS]
Did you catch their scent?
- What?
- Lead me.
No. I'm not a bloodhound.
Here. You can catch
their scent from this.
No, I'm not gonna touch that.
Just get your muzzle in there
and get a nice big whiff.
- No.
- You can track them with this.
You know what? How about this?
You wait here, and I'm gonna
go and you wait for my signal.
- Okay?
- Signal?
Yeah. You wait for it, okay?
- [NANDOR] What's the signal?
- [GUILLERMO] You'll see!
[NANDOR] Look at him go.
Guy like that catches a
whiff of something musky,
he absolutely will not stop.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PHONE]
- Oh, yeah.
I just ran into the woods
and then circled back in
when Nandor wasn't looking.
[WHISTLING TUNE]
The key to hunting humans
is to divide and then crush.
If the humans begin operating in a pack,
they can be very formidable.
But they're usually too dumb for that
and end up just scattering.
[DISTANT DOG BARKING]
- Guillermo?
- [DOG BARKS]
- What have you found?
- [DOG BARKS]
What a good boy!
I just don't have the
heart to, like, hunt humans.
Yet.
I know I'll have to do it eventually,
but I'm just not feeling it.
Guillermo!
Here, boy. [SMOOCHING]
[GUIDE GROANING]
- What the fuck?
- I'm not going to lie.
This is as bad as it looks.
[NANDOR] It looks pretty bad.
What are you even doing
all the way out here?
I was looking for you.
Nadja and Laszlo have disappeared.
You're worrying about
nothing. It's fine.
Okay, let me find a stick,
and I will pry your leg from the trap.
- A stick, stick, stick, stick, stick.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- They're coming.
[WHIMPERS]
And they seem to be working as a team.
Nandor, if you must leave me behind
- I must. See you.
- Oh.
Bye.
Guillermo! I am in need of your help!
Guillermo oh! [SHOUTING]
♪
- Where is everyone?
- Mm.
An intriguing question.
But perhaps one I should
be asking you, no, monsieur?
What are you talking about?
Quite the "predict-ament"
we find ourselves in here tonight,
no, Guillermo?
Not a soul in sight. Just you and me.
"And then there were two."
Again, what are you talking about?
I know it was you, Guillermo.
I know it was you who lured us all here
under false pretenses.
And it's you who's
making everyone disappear
- one by one.
- What?
That's bananas. Why
would I even do that?
Because you know that Nandor
is eventually gonna find out
that you went and got
yourself turned into a vampire
- by someone other than him.
- Okay.
So, then why not just kill Nandor?
Why kill everyone else?
Uh
Um, because
we all know your secret.
Okay, so then I kill everyone
because I want to keep
the secret from Nandor,
but then I still kill Nandor, too?
♪
Huh. Well, maybe I missed a clue.
[STAMMERS] Is it something
where the last person alive
inherits the house?
- No.
- Yeah, well, even when I was saying that,
that didn't really make sense.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [GROANING]
Zut alors!
- What happened?
- Now Nandor is gone.
I was caught in a trap and I
told him to leave me behind.
And he did. Like, really quickly.
Like you would think he would say,
"No, I'm not going to leave you behind,"
just to be nice, but he took off.
And then he got swooped up into
the trees and I couldn't find him.
- And then there were three.
- [GUILLERMO] Can I take a look?
It's all right,
Guillermo. I'm a vampire.
- It'll heal by tomorrow.
- You sure?
- Does it hurt?
- [GUIDE] Not much.
Let's at least level it up,
see what we're dealing with.
- Careful. Careful.
- All right.
- [LEG CRACKS]
- [SHOUTS]
That's a lot of blood.
[GUIDE] Thank you for caring.
You know, a small act of
kindness can mean so much.
And every day, we're
given so many opportunities
to be kind to someone else.
You know, to make them feel included,
to make them feel like
they're part of the old gang.
Doesn't seem like much to ask.
But for some people, I guess
it's just something they won't do,
even though they should know
it would mean the world
to some other people.
Do you know what it's like to know
there's a whole group of buddies
and no matter what you do,
they will never see you
as part of that group?
I do.
For all those years,
I was just a familiar.
- I always felt like I
- I'm sorry, Guillermo.
I wasn't asking you. I was asking him.
- Ah.
- The Celtics won. Noice.
- Colin.
- Yeah.
What? Were you saying something?
Oh, fuck it. These can't all be clever.
- [SCREAMS]
- [GUILLERMO GASPS]
- [SCREAM FADING]
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]
- [QUIETLY] This way.
- [NANDOR]
- [GASPS]
- [GUILLERMO] What the hell?
Finally. Quickly.
Someone or something
has imprisoned all of us.
[LASZLO] No, you fucking
doughnut. It's her that did it.
- [LAUGHS] Guilty as charged.
- [NANDOR] What?
- [HISSES]
- [GUIDE] Tee-hee.
[LAUGHS] And I see
you're all taking nicely
to your new homes, yes?
Solid silver.
- [SIZZLES]
- Ay, fucking silver.
- [GUIDE] Careful.
- Well, I'm immune to silver,
so good luck keeping me in.
- Oh, do you have the key?
- Touché.
What is this despicable
torture that you have concocted?
But I like to think of
it as a lesson, really.
An education.
Did Perdita put you up to this?
[LAUGHING] Perdita?
- You mean
- [PERDITA'S VOICE] Morrigan Manor
- can be a treacherous place
- [GASPS]
[NORMAL VOICE] et cetera, et cetera?
- You mean that Perdita?
- [NADJA] Witch.
- [LASZLO] Well done.
- It was me the whole time.
Yeah, no doy. I-I knew when
you shot me from my chair.
- [GUIDE] Good.
- Quite a glass onion.
[NANDOR] [QUIETLY] I
think Perdita Morrigan
is pretending to be The Guide.
No, you fucking idiot.
- She just said that it was her that was doing it.
- Who?
- [NADJA] Fucking hell.
- Let me just say this slowly.
- [LASZLO] I wouldn't bother.
- I'd just carry on.
- [GUIDE] Should I not?
- No.
- [COLIN] Yeah.
- I know that Perdita spends the offseason
at her chalet in Gstaad,
and that her mansion would be empty.
And the perfect place to teach you all
a valuable lesson
about the importance
of being nice to people
who maybe aren't part of your core group
but who have done a lot
of nice things for you
and yet you still treat them like shit.
[NADJA] Wait, you did all of this
instead of just asking us
to have a short conversation
about your feelings?
- Yeah, I guess I did. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay, I think you taught them a lesson,
- so now we just get them [GROANS]
- No, Guillermo.
My lesson has but only begun.
You will each spend the rest
of your eternal lives here.
Close to each other
yet kept at a distance.
So you will know how you have
made me feel this whole time.
Always on the outside.
And every time I try to get close,
- I get burned.
- [NADJA] I thought
you really liked us.
I did.
Deeply and desperately.
And all I wanted was for you to like me.
Instead, you treated me like
an afterthought.
I have got absolutely no really
close female friends anymore.
- An annoyance.
- Oh, nice going, dipshit.
A hanger-on.
Stand over there and just
pretend not to listen.
I can do that.
An inconvenience.
You did R-S-veep "yes."
Sort of had to shuffle things
around at this late stage.
So this is basically a clip show now?
Are we Golden Girls?
You know, I'm starting to think
that this might be all of my fault.
This is the hex that I
have been cursed with.
[GUIDE] Oh,
- my dear Mistress Nadja.
- [SNIFFLES]
- I have good news.
- Huh?
There is no hex.
There never was a hex.
- [GASPING]
- I just made you think
- there was a hex.
- What?
- Witch!
- [COLIN] Did not have that
- on my 2023 bingo card.
- Why?!
- So that I could try to help you.
- [LASZLO CHUCKLES]
So that you would, I don't
know, see me as a friend,
treat me as a friend.
I did say thank you for
your help with the hex.
- Not once.
- I meant to?
- You didn't.
- Thank you so much.
- Too late!
- [GROANS]
Even to the bitter end,
hoping against hope,
I gave each of you one
last chance to show me
the smallest amount of kindness.
And even that was beyond you!
- [HISSES]
- No one told us it was a fucking test.
- W-Wait, why isn't Gumball in here with us?
- [LASZLO CHUCKLES]
Because Guillermo is the
only one out of all of you
that has ever shown me any kindness.
- [COUGHS] Brownnoser.
- And yet you all
treat him so shabbily
that even after all this
time of waiting to become
one of you
he's forced to give up
and take matters into his own hands.
Sorry, what?
- [SIGHS]
- Well, I think, y-you know,
I don't think they mean to exclude you.
- Guillermo, do not stick up for them.
- I'm not
[NANDOR] Circling
back to "taking matters
into his own hands "
Well, I don't think that's
the point. The point is,
- those paintings are very important.
- Well, it kind of is the point.
Is anyone else curious about this?
Laszlo?
Nadja? Curiosity there at all?
I-I like this cage.
- Colin Robinson? Any
- No, sir.
[NANDOR] Okay, you know,
it kind of feels like
there's something going
on and everyone knows
what it is except me.
- [NADJA SPUTTERS]
- Awkward.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Master.
Yes?
I, uh
Spit it out.
I made a-a big mistake.
And I didn't want to tell you
because I didn't want to hurt
you.
- [LASZLO MOUTHS]
- I had someone else turn me
into a vampire.
I-I asked them to do it.
[LASZLO] [WHISPERS] Oh, fuck.
♪
You asked
someone else?
A vampire who was not me?
I felt like I had no other choice.
You could have asked me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I asked you repeatedly for 13 years.
Yes, and I was gonna get round to it.
I've had a lot on my
plate at the moment!
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Who?
- What?
Who was it?
I don't think that's really relevant.
- It's relevant to me.
- It's just, what's done is done.
- Guillermo!
- Derek.
Okay.
Well, thank you for
being honest with me.
- Okay.
- I appreciate it.
Now I'm going to be honest with you.
This is good.
I
am going
to kill you,
Guillermo.
And then quite possibly myself.
[WHISPERS] It all depends
on whether I'm still completely
and utterly humiliated
after I'm done killing you!
- [GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
- [SIZZLING]
[LASZLO] Whoa-whoa-whoa, if
it makes you feel any better,
he's only a half-baked vampire.
Yes, I know. He has Van Helsing blood.
His vampire-killer cells
are fighting off his vampire
cells with all their might.
- Okay. That's what's going on.
- Oh, shit.
- Fuck.
- Another mystery solved.
Well, you live and learn, right?
[COLIN, NADJA AND LASZLO LAUGH]
Master, if you would just let me talk
You're a dead man!
[GROWLS]
Stay back there. And in the meantime,
where are the documentarians? Behind me?
There you are. I say,
could you find the tapes
from November the 21st, 2022?
[COLIN] Yeah. I know she
doesn't have, like, a last name
or a first name, for that matter,
but I-I just think that
The Guide is really nice.
[LASZLO] I'd say she's more
than nice, Colin Robinson.
She has a tremendous wit
and a fantastic backside.
[NADJA] That would usually
make me very jealous,
if I didn't completely agree!
And, you know, she's
also a very good listener.
And once you get used to that voice,
she has some very
interesting things to say.
[NANDOR] I have often thought,
as I've searched for a wife,
that the answer might
just be here under my nose
the whole time.
I think that's enough now, Ryan.
- You can turn that off. She gets the point.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- [BEEP]
That was so lovely.
But how come none of you
ever said any of this to me?
Because we're vampires,
my squeaky-voiced,
fucking berserk, nutjob, idiot friend.
And sometimes we're not too
good with the old niceties
and kindness towards
those we care about.
But our hearts
are full of love.
[NADJA] He's not wrong.
I am so embarrassed.
Oh!
Don't sweat it, girly.
We all make mistakes.
- Now let-let me out now.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Come on.
- [LASZLO] Here we are.
Forgive and forget, that's what I say.
Now let me out of this cage
so I can kill Guillermo.
[GUIDE] Guess I kind of got in my head
- a little bit. [LAUGHING]
- Yes. - [LAZLO] Yes,
- I think you did.
- [SQUEAKING]
- Ooh!
- [LASZLO] Fuck.
I've never been able to do that.
[NANDOR] Now you're just rubbing it in.
Very Derek.
Master, if I let you out of this cage,
do you promise not to kill me?
I promise.
You mean it?
No!
- [KEYS JANGLE]
- What are you doing?
I'm giving you a head
start, you knob lord.
[NANDOR] Laszlo, let me out of this cage
so I can kill Guillermo!
- Give me that key!
- [LASZLO] If I were you, I'd run.
Run, boy, run!
- [SQUEAKING]
- [NANDOR] Guillermo !
[SIZZLING]
["DAMNATION ALLEY" BY BITCH PLAYING]
I have often thought, as
I've searched for a wife,
that the answer might
just be here under my nose
- the whole time.
- [NADJA] I know.
She also has such great style.
All those blacks and grays.
Oh, I see.
I get it. You guys are
trying to get me to hook up with her
and so we become a couple
and I eventually move out
and leave you guys alone.
- I get it. - What?
- LASZLO: What?
- We would never do that.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
NADJA: Of course not!
Damnation, Damnation Alley ♪
Don't walk alone through the valley ♪
Yeah ♪
Damnation ♪
Damnation Alley ♪
Don't walk alone
through the valley, yeah ♪
Damnation ♪
Damnation Alley ♪
You'll never get out of here alive ♪
Damnation ♪
Damnation Alley ♪
Don't walk alone
through the valley, yeah ♪
Damnation ♪
Damnation Alley ♪
You'll never get out of here ♪
[ECHOING] Alive. ♪