What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s05e10 Episode Script

Exit Interview

Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.
I think someone's following me.
- Get in here. It's the doc crew.
You, too. Come on.
When I ran away from Nandor,
I didn't really know where to go.
[NANDOR] Guillermo!
flew for hours and hours.
Which was a little cool because
that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.
But also not cool
because I knew Nandor was trying
to track me down to kill me.
Eventually, I just
went to Derek because
I had no one else to turn to.
I've just been laying low,
hiding for who knows how long.
I wish they had Bravo here.
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪

- I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have
been tailing you, too.
- Derek, that was them.
- Whoa.
- You guys are good. Respect.
- Derek, just promise me
you haven't told anyone
else that I'm here.
Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?
Because yes,
actually, I did tell Chad.
This is serious, okay?
My master is actively trying to kill me.
Did you bring my meat?
Yes, burgers, extra
rare, just like you asked.
I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.
Turns out, I'm bad at it.
So, um, I don't know if you use Venmo
or maybe you're a Zelle guy
[RETCHES] These are not raw.
I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.
- Sup, bitch?
- What the hell are you doing here?
Did anyone see you? Get inside.
No, and it wouldn't matter if they did
because, hello, I'm in disguise.
Stop dancing, get inside.
How did you find me?
Your friend Derek told
me where you were hiding.
I paid him a little visit
earlier today, see?
So, that was you.
- Who did you think it was?
She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.
- [NADJA] That's funny.
- I'm gonna need you to do me a favor, buddy.
Can you go to the market
and get me some raw, raw meat
and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.
- Can you do that?
- Can do, can do.
- Thank you, buddy.
- Okay, great.
- Okay. Thanks so much.
- See you guys in a minute.
Guillermo. Sit.
You simply cannot talk to
the vampire who turned you
with such disrespect.
That is a sacred relationship.
You have to protect him.
Like we protect the Baron and the Sire.
If anything was to
happen to that stupid man,
the effects for you, my
friend, would be catastrophic.
- Yes.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.
I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know
Nandor trying to kill you thing.
- Awkward. [LAUGHS]
- Which, by the way, um
Any progress on that end?
- Uh, yeah, um, a little.
- You talked to him?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- What'd he say?
- Nandor, come on.
I'm gonna murder him!
Maybe if I write him a letter
Yeah, like if you wrote
him a suicide note,
and actually followed through on it,
then that would probably cool him down.
Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?
[SIGHS] Why did I do this?
Look, relationships evolve.
Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.
At first, I was just using
them to get rid of my hex.
But then it turned out
I really like hanging
out with those guys.
- I know you didn't mean
[CLEARS THROAT] I know you didn't mean
for things to turn out this way,
- but I think it's time
you need to accept You know what?
Hang on, I cannot take this anymore!
[MAN] Yeah!
- It's hard, you know.
- To know that you've done something,
that you messed up but you can't
- fix it and
- And she's joined them.
[NANDOR] Night after night, I hunt.
I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breath
and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.
So I've been watching the one place
I know he will return to eventually
Panera Bread.
I've got you now.
He can run,
but he cannot run far.
Because he has very short legs.
- Guillermo, now you will die.
- I-I didn't do anything.
Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.
And this disguise
that has slightly
altered your appearance
does not fool me.
I'm not Guillermo! I'm not Guillermo!
I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.
- Patton Oswalt?
- Yeah.
- An actor?
- Yes!
What would I know you from?
- I was in Ratatouille.
- Is that a movie?
It's It was animated.
I was the voice of a rat.
- I prefer live action.
- Uh
Do you know John Slattery?
I don't know him
personally, I know of him.
- He seems really cool.
- He is.
Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out
- Oh
- My apologies, Patton Oswalt.
You are respectful, unlike Guillermo.
I have been lying in wait for him
on the top of that building there.
It's only a matter of time
before he returns to Panera Bread,
like a gazelle to his watering hole.
And when he does, I will strike.
Are you sure it's that Panera Bread?
- What do you mean?
- There's a lot of Panera Breads.
They're They're all over the city.
- Who is it?
[COLIN] Gigi?
- Hello.
- What are you doing here?
- How did you find me?
- Oh, I just
took a map of Staten Island
and laid it over a grid
and looked for any motel
that shared a square
with an Arby's, a party
store or a sweater shop.
Well, I'm not near any of those things.
Yeah, I know, so I just asked Nadja.
Great. What do you want?
First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.
You're a nice enough guy
caught in a bad sitch.
I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.
- Thank you.
Secondly, I am here to
conduct your exit interview,
from your job as a familiar.
And also your life, so
Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,
I know it's valuable. [CHUCKLES]
Because there's so little of it left.
- Okay.
Familiar exit interview, 10:47 p.m.,
Colin Robinson conducting interview.
Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"
what's prompting you to leave your job?
Nandor trying to kill me.
And what was your
salary as a familiar?
Oh, I don't get paid.
[CHUCKLES] No, but
honestly, for this to work,
I kind of need a ballpark figure.
$500, $550 a week?
- I don't get paid.
- Uh-huh.
And do you think we can get away with
not paying the next person?
Okay. This interview's over.
Interview concluded by subject
who was cooperative and
at times almost articulate.
- Okay, thank you.
This is just from me.
It was nice having you in the house.
Thanks, Colin.
"Jay Sturkel, Quarter
Four Sales Leader, 1977."
I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I think what bugs me the most
is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.
This is a gift I do
not give to just anyone.
Uh, you know, friendship
has to be earned.
How is your, um
- Turkey Bacon Bravo.
- Yes.
It is, it's good.
And I usually get the
bread bowls here
I think what it is
is that I thought
Guillermo had earned it.
You are a good listener, Patton Oswalt.
You know, it's funny
because something like this
happened with me a couple
years ago with my manager, we
- Shh. Just listen.
We are not talking about you right now,
are we, Patton Oswalt?
- No, we're not.
- Mm.
- So, go on.
- Thank you.
Who is it?
[LASZLO] Housekeeping.
- I should ask how you found out where
- Shh, shh.
I'm guessing you're content with your
toilet paper situation?
Yes, thank you.
All right.
Then I will
leave you to watch the
television for the evening.
And I will say goodbye.
- [QUIETLY] Sit down.
- What's going on?
I must apologize, Gizmo, I
feel like I've let you down.
All those science experiments,
they were nothing but a blind alley.
Laszlo, you tried your best.
No, there's been something I
You-you should probably
put something on
that's a bit louder than this.
Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.
- That's better.
I've known you since you
were a young familiar.
And I may have been
hard on you in the past,
- and, uh
Could you put something that
is as loud but less percussive?
- Sport, yes, that's better.
And I say, does that thing have any
programs of the adult variety?
- Uh, I suppose, yeah.
- There you go.
[CLEARS THROAT] You were saying?
- Sorry?
- You were saying?
Yes. I was saying
I've known you since you were
- a young fa
What do you think they're gonna do?
- Yeah, Laszlo
- Yes, yes,
s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.
And, uh, I'm about to
tell you something now
that I've never told anyone else before.
- L-Laszlo?
- Good grief.
You were going to tell me something
- you never told anyone before ?
- Shh. [LAUGHS]
You might have to give me a minute.
[GUILLERMO] So, yeah,
even Laszlo came by.
If I would've known how
my last couple of days would play out,
how the last couple of months
I would've never asked Derek to turn me.
It's not that I don't want to die,
and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,
but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.
My friends.
I always figured if I
got turned into a vampire
that it would bring
me closer to them.
But it's just left me
feeling more alone than ever.
Nandor, can I ask you a question?
Yes, Patton Oswalt.
Your friendship with Guillermo
is very special, right?
I thought it was.
And I bet
killing a friend
would really hurt.
I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelings
a person could have.
So, what if you
repair the friendship?
- You repair it
- So you're saying
that I should not kill my former friend?
- Uh, yes, you-you
- This is your suggestion?
Well, you know, you rebuild
After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?
All that betray me must be destroyed.
- Wait, wait
- Goodbye, Patton Oswalt.
He does make a good point, though.
- [ON VIDEO] arm, and a block of
Of course.
Hi. I just came by to
pay you my condolences.
"Sorry for your loss of your life."
Is there anyone who
doesn't know that I'm here?
Well, I'm usually the last
one to know, so probably not.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
And then I also brought some friends
who wanted to say goodbye.
Hiya, Daddy.
- Hey.
- Guide lady said you're going off
- to a big, beautiful
- Hey, big guy.
farm in the sky.
- Can we come?
- No, buddy.
- Aw.
- There's no room at the farm.
"In the death of a good man,
eternity is seen looking through time."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
- Okay.
- So Oh.
Sorry. Hola, Ma.
[NANDOR] Hello, Guillermo.
- I've been looking for you.
- Where are you?
Oh, I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.
In her apartment. Where she lives.
My mother has nothing to do with this.
If you touch her, I swear
Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over here
and we can discuss what happens next.
- I have to go.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Have you checked out already?
- Or is it okay if we hang here?
- [DOG GUILLERMO] He's not coming back.
- Ah, come on, you stupid
- Get away from her.
- Guillermo.
I'll be back, okay? ¿Cómo está, mijo?
- Hey, Mami.
- Mwah.
Don't be long, Sylvia.
Still want to see the photographs
of Guillermo in this gotico phase.
You can kill me if you want,
but you leave her out of this, okay?
Oh, I know I could kill you.
And you'd deserve it.
But I have decided not to.
Yeah, well, I don't believe you.
No, of course you don't.
But something happened recently and
it's made me change my mind.
- Oh, yeah? What?
- My friend Patton Oswalt.
He passed away quite
suddenly. And, um
it didn't feel good losing a friend.
- How do I know you're telling the truth?
- Because I give you my word as a vampire.
- [SCOFFS] Not good enough.
- Then I give you my word
as a warrior.
"If I'm lying
then kill me now."
Then it is settled.
You'll come home with me, alive.
Mami, no!
Wow, that worked.
- Mm?
- Hmm?
We return with news.
I no longer plan to kill Guillermo.
- Yay.
- [NADJA] Yay.
He will live here in
this house, with us,
- as an equal.
As a vampire.
- Boo.
- Where once we were four, we are now five.
I think your math is off.
If I had known Gizmo was
going to stay with us,
I would've said just kill
him and be done with it.
[COLIN] Where is he going to sit?
I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?
Hold on a second. Gizmo
cannot fully become a vampire
due to his Van Helsing blood.
[NANDOR] Laszlo, Laszlo,
with all your experiments
and your notetaking,
and your weird-ass, hybrid freaks,
you never thought of
the simplest solution.
- Which is?
- You never got Guillermo to drink human blood.
- Wait. Y-You never thought of that?
- Shut up.
- I don't think I can do this.
- You must.
Or else you'll be eternally frozen
in this painful,
unending limbo. Now drink.
- Come on, Guillermo.
- Drink, bitch.
- [COLIN] Yeah, drink it, bitch.
- [LASZLO] Yes. Drink it.
[NADJA] Swallow it all.
- Drink. Drink.
- [NADJA] Suck on it, baby. Come on, drink!
- Swallow it.
- Drink.
- Drink.
- Oi, drink.
- Drink. Drink.
- [NADJA] Drink it. Take it like a man.
[LASZLO] Fangs.
- Wow.
- Ah.
- I've never felt more alive.
I really should've thought of that.
I'm a vampire. [LAUGHS]
I'm a vampire!
- I'm a vampire!
- [LASZLO] Yahoo.
- Nicely done.
One sip of blood and he's
like Cornholio over here.
[LASZLO] He likes that.
- [NADJA] Ooh.
Behold what I've become.
Yes, yes, we've all been there.
Why are we all sitting on our asses?
Let's do something! What do we do next?
- Get a broom.
- Now, we hunt!
- [NADJA] I'm sorry, Mommy needs to eat.
- [NANDOR] Hunt, hunt, hunt!
Hunt, hunt!
Which reminds me, what's the
fastest way to become a millionaire?
You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.
[CHUCKLES] Just a little
wine humor for you.
[COLIN] Sommeliers are a dying breed
Oh. I've eaten too much. I feel sick.
Go on, Guillermo.
I bonked this one on
the head just for you.
They're much easier to drain and kill
when they're not wriggling around.
Oh, no, I-I'm actually not that hungry.
Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too long
when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.
[GUILLERMO] I've never
killed anyone before.
I mean, I guess dozens of vampires.
And I did bring humans
to the vampires so they could kill them.
And I've dismembered,
like, a ton of dead bodies.
But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.
And when I leaned in to take
I could
smell their shampoo
and all I kept thinking was
this guy was at CVS
just sniffing away all these shampoos
and says, "Eh, I think I'll get this one
because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."
I can't do this, I'm sorry. Could we
- I can't
Just as I feared.
Guillermo is not cut
out to be a vampire.
I will fix.
You summoned me?
Yes, I wish for Guillermo
Eh, eh, you ran out of
wishes a long time ago.
Have you just been carrying me around?
- Maybe.
- Yeah.
[GROANS] Okay, well
Nice to see you again. You can, uh
Can't I stretch my legs a little?
I wish I could help you, but, uh
- That's very funny.
- Get in the fucking lamp.
I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for
Wait, what was the
ceremony called again?
The Ceremony of Vampiric
- Oh.
- Don't be nervous, we have all been through it.
Well, is it scary?
Nothing you cannot handle.
The ancient ceremony will help
hasten you along your path.
It is time.
Are you ready?
I am.

Derek is here, too?
Yes. Fucking guy.
But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.
- Come on.
- [GUILLERMO] Hey, everyone.
- Derek.
- Hey.
Vampires all, gather we
here in the dark of night?
- We have made of ourselves a circle?
- The circle
- The circle unbroken.
- Unbroken.
[NANDOR] We gather here
in a circle unbroken
at the crossroads
between life and death.
Guillermo de la Cruz, are you prepared?
I am.
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mind
and strong of body?
I am.
A choice will be made.
This choice can only be made by you.
We vampires here are only witnesses.
Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.
[CLEARS THROAT] That's me.
Nicely done.
Guillermo de la Cruz, I will
now ask you one question.
The answer must come from your heart.
For this is the last time
you get to make this final choice.
- Do I make myself clear?
- Mm-hmm.
The question is: Would
you rather be a human
or vampire?
A human.
As I predicted.
It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,
- I really, really do.
- Sure.
- It's all the killing.
- You can spare us the details, it's fine.
You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.
- We're gonna make it happen.
- Wait, what?
Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.
That's me again.
- You're doing a great job.
- Thank you, Derek.
- Can I get a smaller
- They're unisex.
- It's a one size fits all situation? Okay.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
Do I get a hood, or
- [NANDOR] Hurry it up.
- [BARON] I have one for you, too.
[SIRE] Thank you.
We blind ourselves
that none may witness.
Hoods on, everyone.
We blind ourselves ♪
[TOGETHER] That none may see. ♪
[NANDOR] Very nice.
Proceed to position two.
[DEREK] I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?
Just as you are, Derek, that's fine.
- Wait, what?
- It is the only way, Guillermo.
- W-Won't I die, too?
- No.
You'll go back to how you
were when you were turned.
You'll just get a month
older really quickly.
There's got to be another way.
There's no other way.
It is the only way.
- I can't do this.
- [COUGHS] Knew it.
[DEREK] I'm sorry, can't
do what? What am I missing?
[NANDOR] Just keep that hood
on, Derek. You're doing great.
- [DEREK] Thank you.
- You want me to do it?
- I don't know.
- I do.
Give me that.
[NANDOR] Guillermo, you okay?
- [COLIN] Whoa!
- [NANDOR] Oh, shit.
- [GUILLERMO] Everything's kind of blurry.
I think I need my old glasses.
- Here.
- Thank you.
Well, that was fun.
Can we turn the regular
lights on now, please?
Oh, sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all these
hoods and robes?
Eh, just leave them. Garfield
will pick 'em up later.
I must say, the, uh, the
banners are a lovely touch.
You know, I like them, too.
What do they mean?
I don't know, to be honest, Baron.
I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.
Very nice, yes.
We have a sitter waiting at
home, so we're gonna head out.
- Good evening.
- Kalinychta.
- [GUIDE] Bye.
- [NANDOR] Anyone up for a game of parcheesi?
[NADJA] Maybe a movie.
- I'm zonked.
- [COLIN] The Brothers McMullin?
That wasn't even a
real ceremony, was it?
No. I found the robes in
a box in the attic and, uh
the candles I think we
got from a Home Depot?
I'm sorry, Guillermo.
It was the only way
for you to figure out
what you actually wanted.
It was a horrible and hard decision.
I think you made the right choice.
I know.
Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpse
before sunrise, that would be great.
Its alright I"ll give you a hand.
Thanks, Laszlo.

- You take the bag, I'll take Derek.
- Okay.
Come on, old chap. You
better get the door.
[GUILLERMO] Mr. Necromancer?
And you have the
necessary items required
for the procedure to succeed?
He means the cash.
[GUILLERMO] Yeah, it was almost
all the money I gave Derek
to turn me into a vampire.
He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"
that he got from Hot Topic.
You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.
I should trust you when you when
you show me no respect for me
or my beguiling powers?
Respect? For a fraud?
But you've seen my methods succeed.
I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.
Okay, okay. Boys, why don't we focus?
He's doing his scatting shit.
Yah! [SPITS]
Get in, you dirty bastard!
- Derek
[RASPY] What's up, dude?
All right. Begone with ya.
He's all yours.
But, uh, if you're worried
about taking care of him,
- we do have a new offer.
- Of course you do.
- For a nominal fee
- Here he goes.
a rehousing option.
- [WHISTLES] Topher!
- No.
[LASZLO] What the fuck?
[GUTTURAL] Who calls Topher?
What's this "Thriller" shit?
- [LASZLO] Oh, it's that guy.
- Topher!
- Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?
- How you doing, Guillermo?
- [GUILLERMO] Topher, you look, uh
- You look like shit.
- Well, I'm au naturel, babe.
I've had some work done.
You know, I'm still undead,
but I'm making the most of it, man.
Once you get used to the zombie body,
you can actually learn
to talk normal again.
Like this. Pretty cool, huh?
- He just does the accent for the tourists.
- Eh, you know.
Take 'em for an arm and a leg.
- Yeah, man.
Who we got here?
- Der. Ek.
- [TOPHER] Oh, hey, look at that.
Yeah, he's trying.
It's gonna take him a couple months
to learn how to use the ol' mouth again.
But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.
Hey, Derek. How would
you like to join a gang
of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?
There's always room for a new friend.
- Friend?
- Yeah. Friend!
High five! [LAUGHS]
Oh, yeah, takes a second.
- Come on, buddy.
- Whoa!
- Easy, Derek.
Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!
Hey, you like eating human flesh?
- Oh, you will.
Very cool.
- Bye, Derek.
- [LASZLO] Bye, Derek.
Well, I've been running for a while ♪
And I know that the
I'm next in line ♪
Do you take Venmo?
Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin. Or Zelle.
She's an infidel zombie ♪
And she gets depressed with duress ♪
A love that cannot find me ♪
She's an infidel zombie ♪
And she gets depressed with duress ♪
A love that cannot find me ♪
She's an infidel zombie ♪
Let me tell you, I don't believe it ♪
There's a bullet
with my name on it now ♪
I don't believe it ♪
There's a bullet with my name on it ♪
I said I don't believe it ♪
There's a bullet with
my name on it now. ♪

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