Wilfred s01e01 Episode Script


Nailed it.
So long, girl next door.
Hope they find my body before the smell becomes a problem for you.
Shit, balls, that's loud.
It's the middle of the bloody night! Wilfred, that's enough.
You're lucky I'm indoors, you prick! Stop it.
Christ, you know how long it took for me to get comfortable? The sun is out The sky is blue There's not a cloud Ugh.
To spoil the view But it's raining Raining in my heart Oh, misery Misery What's gonna become of me Oh! What? Hey, wh Oh.
How you doing? I live next door.
We've waved.
Of course.
Can I get you something? Orange juice, medical attention? Heh, heh, heh.
I'm okay.
It's lack of sleep.
Oh, God, I know.
It's that stupid jerk with his motorcycle.
It drives Wilfred nuts.
Sorry about all the noise that he made, by the way.
Hey, he just said what we were all thinking, right? I guess.
Uh I know we've just met and this is a huge imposition, but I'm totally desperate.
The exterminator is on his way and I completely forgot to make arrangements for my dog and they say that if I leave him in the house, it's just gonna kill him and so, I was wondering would it be okay if he stayed in your yard until I get home from work? Huh? You're right.
That's too much to ask.
No, it's not.
L Oh, great.
Wilfred, come here, boy.
He's really sweet.
There's our little man.
You like dogs? Yeah.
Oh, great.
Well, here's a few of his toys and some snacks.
Be a good boy.
I really appreciate this.
Very nice.
Huh! Some sofas, it's impossible to get comfortable.
Not this one.
Ryan, is it? Yeah.
Got any DVDs? A few.
I like Matt Damon.
Yeah, he's good.
It's my sister.
Just pretend I'm not here.
Hello, Kristen.
So are you excited? I don't know what I am.
It's yourfirst day on a new job, anxiety is to be expected.
It's why I prescribed those pills.
Yeah, about those.
They didn't really seem to Do you need to go out? Who are you talking to? Oh, it's just Look, the thing is, I really appreciate your help getting me this job at the hospltal and all but I'm not sure working in contract administration will make me happy.
Happy? You wanna be happy, Ryan? You think Dad is happy? No.
I know I screwed up.
You think I'm happy? No, I would never Do you think I love pulling out babies 24/7? I mean, I have to eat with these hands.
I need some water.
My gardener just got deported.
You think he's happy? No, Ryan, nobody's happy, all right? Now, listen, you're not exactly a hot commodity anymore.
You need this job.
Thanks for the pep talk.
You're welcome.
Now, remember, it's all about perception.
You just gotta change the way you're seeing things, all right? I'll work on that.
Have a seat.
I ain't gonna bite you.
Biting's the easy way out.
Not that I don't think about it.
A bit jumpy, are we? No.
I'm cool.
I'm 7 years old, Ryan.
Too old and too wise for lies.
I can smell yourfear like I smell the sour milk in the fridge.
I drank some last night.
It was fine.
It was.
But it's gone bad.
Just happened while we were talking.
No, I'm starting a new job today.
Ryan, you're not going to work today.
Got to cough to get off.
It's been a while.
Can you really smell the milk in my fridge? My nose is a very exquisite and sensitive organ and right now it is currently smelling fear.
Fear, sour milk, and human shit.
You mean me? No, I just showered, I'm crazy clean back there.
There are such things in this world as particles.
Particles so small that you cannot possibly detect it with your naked eyes.
And I put it to you that there are particles of human shit lingering in the fibers of your underpants.
I don't think there's any particles.
Mate, I'm telling you, there are particles.
And they are lingering.
I need to sleep.
Lights out, Ryan.
You are so dead.
I vouched for you, and now you are a no-show on yourfirst day of work? Dr.
Ramos is furious! I'm sorry and I've had a rough morning.
You had a rough moming? Try prying twin boys out of a tight little Asian gal.
She wasn't Asian-American, Ryan, she was real Asian! I had to do so much sllclng and diclng down there, lt looked like a goddamn Benihana.
So why don't you get your shit together and come to work.
Ugh! Ugh! Yoo-hoo.
Hah! Nice nap, Ryan? Oh, scared you, eh? Give you quite a fright, did I? Am I dead? Aah! Seems not.
Come on, I wanna show you something.
What did you? Why? Anxiety.
Jenna's been away too long.
She's a goner.
I'm sure of it.
She probably choked on something.
Piece of LEGO or something.
She's just at work.
Are you talking down to me? What? No.
I open up to you, and you talk down to me.
Look, she's coming back.
Promise? Sure.
Thank you, Ryan.
I feel much better now.
Then why are you still digging? It's a great workout.
Ryan I know your type.
You're a good boy, you come when you're called.
You don't rub your ass on the carpet.
Aren't you tired of doing what everyone else wants you to do? Maybe it's time you quit playing ball with them.
And just play ball with me.
Where'd that come from? Just give it a toss.
I don't think I should.
Trust me.
You'll be glad you did.
I have to go to work.
Let's take a walk.
I don't have time for a walk.
Ryan you're already upset about the lawn, yeah? Well, I got just enough piss in me to kill what's left of it.
Tell me about Jenna.
Why? I'd like to get to know her.
Pull your lipstick back in its case, Romeo, you're not her type.
How can you say that? You don't know anything about me.
I know you think there's no hope.
I know you feel like a diamond in the rough that never got to shine.
I know what you tried to do last night.
How do you? Because I am you.
We are one mind.
Just messing with you.
I read your little snuff letter while you were passed out.
What did you think of it? Well, the "diamond in the rough" metaphor was a little flat.
Four drafts and that's the best you could come up with? I started with a caged bird longing to be free but that made me sound a little effete.
So does using the word "effete.
" Maybe I'll keep working on it.
You know Buck? Who? Buck.
Black lab, about my age, great teeth.
You know him? I don't know Buck.
And you won't.
Because he's gone.
One day, he's running around by the tennis courts at the park the next day, bam! Hit by a car? No, we just kind of lost touch.
Bam? You just kind of lost touch? Life is short, Ryan.
You gotta gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Speaking of rosebuds.
Do you always feed your dog nachos? Well, not all the time, but he worked out today.
What's your name? Wilfred.
Hi, Wilfred.
Do you like that? Do you like that? I bet you do.
I'll have what he's having.
He likes me.
Um Wilfred, get off.
Get off.
I'm trying to.
I think he really likes me.
Uh Ha.
Sorry about that.
Could we get the check? Here.
Uh There you go.
Bye, Wilfred.
I like you, but you are a shit wingman.
Look, Ryan, if you want my advice Actually, I don't.
I've got enough people telling me what to do.
I was just trying to help.
You don't have to be a dick.
Kristen was right, what I want doesn't matter.
I have to get to work.
Hey, poochy-poochy.
Piss off.
See, it's like me when I'm eating out the ass of a dead possum.
All right, I'm eating out his guts, through his ass.
I'm getting my teeth right in there.
See, no one ever taught me that.
I just did it one day, it happened.
Been doing it ever since.
You evertry Korean? I think you'd like it.
You're missing the point.
I'm not just saying possum ass is delicious, it is.
What I'm saying is I'm true to my nature.
I don't over-think everything.
I act on instinct.
You're an animal.
We're all animals, Ryan.
I'll kill you.
Wilfred, wait.
Stay! Come! Where is his leash? He's lucky I didn't kick his teeth in.
Try it and loose a foot.
No, I mean it.
Hey, it won't happen again.
Yeah, if it does, someone's getting their nuts cut off.
He means me.
You obviously haven't got any.
Should have challenged him to a knife fight.
You let that shit-stain walk all over us.
Yourfather was right, you're a pussy.
When did he say that? He didn't, I made that up, but you are a pussy.
I don't need to listen to this.
Ryan, fear has made you weak.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.
That's from Dune.
How do you know that? How do you know that? Come on, mate.
Throw the ball.
What are you afraid of? I'm not afraid.
I know that's not just a ball.
Of course it is.
See, it's a ball.
Why are you pushing so hard? I'm feeling playful.
No more questions.
Stop thinking and throw the damn ball.
What did you do? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to Naughty boy.
I'll get you another ball.
I don't want another.
Hey, look, Wilfred, it's Jenna.
Hey, I hope he wasn't any trouble.
Not at all.
He's adorable.
Oh, Wilfred, did you make a new friend? He did, he really did.
I will not be ignored, Ryan.
So, Wilfred tells me Um I mean, what brings you to L.
A? I got a job as a segment producer for Channel 13 News.
It's a big step up for me.
Am I distracting you? I'm doing mostly puff pieces, I'm hoping that will change.
What about you, what do you do? Ball, I play ball.
Not professionally.
I'm a lawyer.
I was a lawyer.
It's complicated.
Well, I like complicated.
You know, the only thing that I've had time to unpack are my wine glasses.
You wanna come inside? Some other time.
Oh, okay.
Say bye-bye, Wilfred.
This isn't over.
I want that ball.
Okay, see you later, champ.
Better sleep with your eyes open.
Give Ryan a kiss.
You broke my heart, Ryan.
You broke my heart.
Wilfred, down, Wilfred.
Wilfred, down.
Down, Wilfred.
You broke my heart, Ryan.
Bettersleep wlth your eyes open.
Hello? Are you gonna answer me? What was the question? Why do I bother? What's the question? Wait.
I'm having a problem.
Oh, really? Those pills you gave me, I kind of abused them.
I've taken so many, I can't feel them anymore.
Ryan, do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Abusing those pills can lead to very serious side effects.
Paranoia, hallucinations, depression Hallucinations? seizures and worse, much worse.
Oh, my God.
That's why I gave you sugar pills.
What? I can't prescribe meds to a family member, that's unethical.
So no side effects? From sugar pills? Adult-onset diabetes.
Tooth decay, sugar rush.
Ryan, why are you being so self-destructive? Pull yourself together and stop wallowing in self-pity.
Just get back on that horse, toughen up.
Okay, so your law career is over.
Dad wanted me to be a lawyer.
I hated every minute of it.
Well, then what do you want? Give me a minute.
What do you want? I want my goddamn ball.
Really? That's what this is all about? Ryan, when I was a young'un, I had a bit of an oral fixation.
Still do, I guess.
Anyway, I was too dumb to know the difference between a knot of rawhide and a fine Italian loafer.
Someone would adopt me l'd have a bit of a chew, then it was back to the pound we go.
Italian loafer guy? He gave me a good beating.
Kicked me so hard I got hip displeasure.
No, it didn't get that bad, but I was on death row and then one day a kindly old woman at the shelter gave me a tennis ball.
That tennis ball.
I could chew without shame.
And suddenly, I was loveable.
That ball saved my life.
I need it back.
And I can't get through that gate without you.
So climb over the fence.
Without arms? What are those? Legs.
All right, I'll help you and then you stay away from me.
If that's what you want.
Shake on it.
Yeah, I never learnt that trick.
But you have my word.
I found it.
What are you doing? The nose knows.
Hey, this was not our deal.
Ah! Well, I didn't shake on it, did I? Here we go.
We're gonna need a bigger bong.
This was your plan the whole time.
Part of it.
This is the other part.
What? In his boot? Well, they never check them first, do they? What the hell, he deserves it.
Well, come on, let's go.
Not so fast.
He has another boot.
What? You want me? No way.
Why not.
He'll never know it was you.
That's not the point.
You said he deserves this.
The bloody bike? The trash in the alley? The way he treats you like some insignificant, limp-dick wanker? How does that make you feel? Angry.
Yeah? Well, it's time to return the favor.
You know you want to.
I'm not an animal.
Then be a man.
For once in your life be a man and shit in that boot.
Aah! That was so awesome.
Well done, Ryan.
Primo coiler, one of the best I've seen.
What the hell? No, no, no! Ho.
Hey, Ryan, when was the last time you felt this good? Never.
It's called living, mate.
You can feel this way forever.
Trust your instincts.
No more doubt.
No fear.
Just throw it away.
Good boy.
Welcome to your new life.
Aren't you gonna fetch it? Do you know how many balls I have? What the hell are you doing out here? This is my friend Wilfred.
He looks filthy.
I have Dr.
Ramos on the phone.
He is willing to talk to you.
Hey, doc, it's Ryan.
Look, I appreciate the offer but I'd rather eat possum ass than be your desk monkey.
Give me the phone.
Ramos? Doctor? Hello? This is just great.
Do you have any idea how tough this job market is? Let's just say, beggars can't be choosers.
What a bitch.
I mean, what am I supposed to think? Whatever you want.
But from now on, keep it to yourself, I don't give a shit.
Well, actually, you do.
Or, you did.
This is funny? This is all funny to you, Ryan? You know what? I'm done.
You are on your own.
Wrong, I'm not on my own.
I've got Wilfred.
What's that? Bit of squirrel.
Hey, Wilfred how's this gonna end? Hmm? This.
What's gonna happen? Don't know.
Well, anyway it's nice to have someone looking out for me.
Dreams are nothlng more than wlshes And a wish Isjust a dream You wish to come true Whoa, oh lf only I could have a puppy Oh, you like that? Heh, heh, heh.
To share a cup of tea with me I'd take my puppy everywhere Wilfred.
La-la-la-la Mm.
We would stay away Ah Did you? Oh! Ryan.
Oh, God.
Ugh! Sharp.
Hang on, hang on.
Hang on.
But dreams are nothing more than wlshes And a wish Is just a dream You wish to come true