Wilfred s01e02 Episode Script


Morning, Ryan.
Wilfred, you know there is a gate.
Why, yes, it is a beautiful day, and I am well, thanks for asking, mate.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners.
May I take your ax? All right, Ryan, angry irony noted.
Wanna talk about it? No, it's not a big deal.
My ex, Paula, she's getting married.
How'd she dump you? Actually, I dumped her.
Ha, ha.
Yeah, right.
I did.
We were dating for a year, then one night, out of the blue we're in bed and she sticks herfinger in my butt.
Just like that, without any discussion.
If you dumped a tidy piece like that over the saintly act of knuckle-busting your anus hole that makes you the freak.
I'm supposed to put a ring on that finger? Ryan, I think you're not being honest with yourself about this break-up.
There's a deeper issue here.
Deeper than Paula's finger could ever reach.
I'm done talking about this.
I've a lot to do today.
Yeah, let's get started.
Take it easy.
I just said it doesn't seem fair of Jenna to leave you alone all day.
She is a single career girl doing the best she can under trying circumstances.
God, your breath.
I will not tolerate any criticism of Jenna.
She's perfect.
Wilfred, I like Jenna, a lot.
Does she ever talk about me? Oh, ha.
What? Like I'd tell you.
That would be an extreme violation of her trust now, wouldn't it? It's difficult for someone like you to understand that kind of loyalty.
What are you talking about? I'm a loyal friend, right? You're fine, Ryan.
I'm betterthan fine.
I'm as loyal as you are.
Oh! Mate, you are simply not capable of my kind of loyalty.
It's deep, profound.
Wilfred, I'm a very loyal person.
I would do anything for a friend.
Talk is cheap, Ryan.
But I know how you can prove it.
Christ, it's the 21st century.
I can't believe these racist rules still exist.
There's a dog beach up north, we Is there? Place that allows the likes of me to swim in God's blue ocean.
What an enlightened society this is.
Bloody hell.
I know it's not fair You been in a sack race? What does that have to do with anything? Everything has to do with everything, Ryan.
I've only been in the ocean once, just after I was born.
There were seven of us stuffed into a sack tossed into the frigid waters of the Chesapeake Bay.
Oh, my God.
I panicked.
Hell, we all did, clawing and biting desperately trying to get out of that burlap death-trap.
I finally broke through.
By the time I got to the surface, I realized I was the only survivor.
It was awesome.
It sounds like a nightmare.
You don't get it.
You don't know what life is until you've tasted the salty brine of death.
I wanna feel that thrill again, and I ain't got too many good swimming years left.
This could be my last chance, Ryan.
Carne diem.
Carne, it means "meat" in Spanish.
How do you live in L.
And not know that? Cops patrol this beach all the time.
I can't let you swim here.
Gave up on that proving-your-Ioyalty thing pretty quickly.
Just promise me you'll be discreet.
Ryan, I'm in the ocean.
Oh, Ryan, watch this.
Ryan, it's a pelican! It's a pelican! Dogs aren't allowed on the beach.
He's just a little excited.
This was a pelican.
Oh, my God.
It was a pelican.
It's dead.
Oh, shit.
Three hundred bucks.
Worth it.
Oh, I'm glad you think so.
And another hundred for not having my ID.
What happened to my wallet? I know I had it last night.
Did you? Look, Ryan, I want you to know that afterwhat you just did for me well, I was wrong.
You are a true and loyal friend.
Yes, it's a good day For slngin'a song And it's a good day For movin'along Yes, lt's a good day How could anythlng be wrong? A good day from mornlng till nlght And it's a good day For shlning your shoes And it's a good day For losln'the blues Everything to gain and nothing to lose 'Cause it's a good day From morning till night I said to the sun Good morning, sun Rise and shine today You know you gotta get goin' lf you're gonna make a showln' And you've got the rlght of way lt's a good day Forpaying your bills And it's a good day For curing your ills So take a deep breath And throw away the pills 'Cause it's a good day From morning till night Yes, it's a good day From mornlng till night Wilfred.
Oh, God, there you are.
Oh, I was so worried about you.
I found him in my yard so we went for a walk.
God, I am so sorry.
It won't happen again.
Well, actually, I hope it does.
I think we were both feeling a little Ionely, but we had a lot of fun.
Ooh! Ooh! Aw.
Oh, God, I am so glad.
You know, I just I hate the idea of Wilfred being alone all day.
Did you miss me? Oh, God, that is some serious dog breath.
Must be the ocean water.
I'll go rinse out.
If you'll excuse me.
Someone needs to get his teeth cleaned.
Well, if you're too busy with work, I can take him to the dentist.
Wilfred hates going to the vet.
Every time I try to take him he just, like, freaks out.
I can't even trick him into getting in the car.
He always knows.
It's like, "Wilfred, get out of my head.
" Ha, ha.
That's so silly.
I know.
But your idea could work.
My idea? Yeah.
I can't trick him into going, but you can.
Oh, no, that's not my idea.
Oh, no, no, don't be modest, it's genius.
He'll never suspect you.
Look, I don't think I sh If you pull this off, you will be my hero.
Make the appointment.
I'll take care of the rest.
What did I miss? You get to spend the whole day tomorrow with Ryan, yeah.
Good luck.
Good luck? What's going on? Well, it was going to be a surprise but I was thinking that tomorrow we could check out another place that you've always wanted to go.
Sizzler? Well, no.
Titty bar.
The movies? No.
I mean, yes, the movies.
You mean, like, at a real theater? Yeah, and guess who's got a new movie out? Matt Damon.
Trent and Mofo of The Morning Zoo both called it a triumph, and they so rarely agree.
Well, how would you like to see Mr.
Damon the way he's meant to be seen up on the silver screen with dimples 30 feet high? Ryan, I am ashamed.
I'm ashamed I ever doubted you.
I love you, mate.
Look, Wilfred All set.
Thank you.
I don't know what I would do without you.
You were saying? I love you too.
And then after the movies, the four of us can grab some drinks get shit-faced and take our tops off.
What do you say, ladies? Cute dog.
Sorority girls? Really? Ryan, we've only seen those chicks and you've found a stupid reason not to get to know them.
Kind of reminds me of something you've done in the past but I can't put my finger in it.
Okay, we're almost there.
Here's your 3D glasses.
They look like welding goggles.
I know.
Pretty high-tech, huh? Put them on now, it will give your eyes more time to adjust to the dark.
I can't see anything.
You will.
You'll see everything soon enough.
What theater are we going to? Uh, AMC.
I'm telling you, Ryan, these 3D glasses are not working.
Don't take them off.
Have some more popcorn.
Ryan, I wanna see the theater.
Well, not what I expected.
It's not as big as the IMAX but No, that's not what I mean.
I just thought now we're best mates you might wanna play a bit of ball first at least buy me a drink, but, no you skipped all that and went straight to rooting me in the ass.
Okay, I lied, but it's for your own good.
Jenna asked me to There's the real story behind this treachery.
You're using me to get to my girl.
I opened the door to my heart and you betrayed me! I'm sorry.
I was just trying to open the door to her heart.
Ready for Wilfred.
Why? So you can implant yourtracking device in my neck? Stay away from me.
It's okay, Wilfred.
You're just having a panic attack.
It's a conspiracy, Ryan, and you're playing right into their hands.
Yes, wake up, dumb shits! The American Veterinarian Medical Association is a front controlled by a shadow organization funded by FEMA! The puppet master is Bob Barker! Ah! Don't let them take my balls.
Hey, how are you feeling? I'll kill you.
I'll murder you in your sleep.
I was just concerned about your health.
This was meant to be a leg-opener for Jenna, and you know it.
Hey, pooch.
I'm gonna scrape out your gums.
Wilfred, this is Dr.
I need a doctor, not tech support.
Okay, boy, time to go to sleep again.
Count backwards from 100.
One hundred, 99, 98 Wilfred, yourfriendship is important to me.
Save it, Ryan.
My door is closed, locked and bolted.
You have to understand.
I just wanted Jenna to like me.
She does, mate.
She fancies you quite a bit.
Really? Yeah, totally.
Why am I telling you this? It's the drugs.
So you're saying I have a chance with Jenna? No way.
Never happen.
Why not? I'm not good enough for her? She's so perfect? She's not perfect, Ryan.
I just say she is because I want so much for it to be true.
But she has a flaw.
A big one.
Whatever it is, it can't be that bad.
It is bad.
She has What? What does she have? Mustn't betray her trust.
Tell me.
Jenna has a dick.
Is this water cold enough? It's too cold.
I should be used to you disappointing me.
I apologized and I've been your bitch all afternoon, what do you want from me? Well, how about some painkillers? I've just had major surgery.
You had your teeth cleaned.
That's yourfirst decent act all day.
Wilfred you said something when you were under anesthesia.
It's kind of funny, actually.
I could do with a laugh.
What'd I say? Well, you told me a secret about Jenna.
You said she has a dick.
That's not funny.
I heard you say it.
I didn't.
Why would I say something like that? Some anesthesias are like truth serum.
Yeah, I was joking.
You can't even tell if You do remember saying it.
I mean, no.
I mean I didn't.
But if I did, I was joking.
Stop talking now.
I did some research and there's a rare and unusual condition where women are born with ambiguous genitalia.
Is this what you were talking about? Oh, my God.
Turner Syndrome? More like Turn-Her-Around Syndrome.
Jenna does not have a dick.
She's perfect.
Are you just saying that because you want it to be true? Ryan, drop it, I'm begging you.
Nothing says "thank you" like vegan tofu wraps.
Great, I love tofu.
I'm kidding, tofu? Weak.
Got us some big, greasy Philly cheesesteaks.
There's my brave little soldier.
Let me see those teeth.
So handsome, yes, you are.
You want me to open a bottle of wine? With cheesesteaks? It's gotta be beer, right? Awoman who drinks beer.
That's sort of rare and unusual.
Oh, you mind if I turn on the Brewers game? Oh, nice.
Bottom of the first.
Catch it, catch it, catch it.
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah, you are out of there! Dude, what? Yeah.
Ryan is my boy.
Yeah, Ryan Yount is awesome.
Uh, Ryan Braun.
Robin Yount retired 20 years ago.
I'm just saying.
Go Brewers.
You know, Robin is funny name.
If that's your name, you'd have to decide whether or not you wanted to be a boy or a girl.
I don't think it really works that way.
I mean, you're either born a boy or a girl, right? Why do you ask? Well, I don't think I did.
For the last time, he does not have a dick.
"He"? Stop twisting my words.
So you're quite the sports fan, huh? Well, I didn't really have a choice.
I have four older brothers.
Four brothers, wow.
Your mom was pretty consistent.
After spitting out all those boys it must have been tricky for her uterus to switch it up for you, huh? What are you talking about? Seriously, Ryan.
I'm just making conversation.
Excuse me.
I'm confused, Ryan.
Why sell me out for a chance at Jenna's heart if you're gonna spend the night cock-blocking yourself? Jenna has a dick.
I heard you.
People hear what they wanna hear.
Why hear that? You're looking for a deal-breaker, like that slut that finger-banged you.
This has nothing to do with Paula.
Everything has to do with everything.
No wonder you're Ionely.
Someone starts to care about you, you invent a reason to push them away.
And why would I do that? How the hell should I know? I don't know how your mind works.
Can you hearthat? It sounds like she's pissing.
In the upright position.
What are you doing? I was, uh Were you listening? Well, no, not at first.
But it sounded like a pretty steady stream, like you were peeing standing up.
What? It's okay.
Mark Wahlberg has three nipples and he's a big star.
But I don't pee standing up.
I was pouring out my beer.
I didn't want to finish it, I'd had too much and I was embarrassed.
You're acting weird.
I should go.
Oh, Jenna.
Wait, Jenna, let me explain.
I'm not weird, I'm just Oh, holy shit! It's research.
Thanks for a lovely evening, mate.
Go ahead.
Say I told you so.
No need to now.
And just so there's no confusion, this sound you're hearing it's not me dumping your beer.
I am actually pissing.
You were right, Wilfred.
Everything has to do with everything.
Girlfriends, family, you.
I've sabotaged every relationship I've ever had.
This sounds like a conversation you should be having with someone who gives a shit.
Good night.
Give me a chance.
Open the door.
How can you be a good friend to me when you can't keep from betraying yourself? I can change.
I wanna be happy.
Christ, it's not that hard, Ryan.
Just get off your ass and go and tell Jenna how you really feel.
What if? Oh, what if? What if? Who cares? You want me to be yourfriend, yeah? Well, trust me on this.
Knock, knock, Ryan.
It's time to open your door.
Carne diem.
That's the spirit.
Now, march on overthere and give Jenna a reach-around.
Aha! Hey, found someone in the garden again.
He was sniffing these.
I'll get that fence fixed.
No, I'm sorry.
About tonight.
Look, there's something you should know about me.
I've been trying to hide it, but it's time I tell someone the truth.
I know it's gonna sound crazy but here goes.
I'm awkward.
No, I know.
It's shocking, right, but not all the time, but sometimes.
I get nervous, and I say incredibly stupid things and I hope you can forgive me.
Well, Wilfred's a pretty good judge of character and he seems to like you, so okay.
Oh, these are for you.
I don't get why you get nervous.
It's just me.
Well, the thing is Hey, babe, you got any man shampoo? This is Ryan, the neighbor I was telling you about.
This is my boyfriend, Drew.
Boyfriend? Yeah, he just flew I from Wisconsin.
And, boy, are my arms tired.
I'm just kidding you, I feel great.
All right, let's go get you some shampoo.
I rememberwhat I was trying to say at the vet.
Jenna has a dick for a boyfriend.
You just now remembered that? Well, if I'm being honest, no, I lied.
Guess that makes us even, yeah? Oh, but here's the good news.
When it comes to me and you the door is open.
What's in the bag? You like apples? Yeah.
I got a bunch of Matt Damon movies.
How do you like them apples? Oh, sweet.
Seriously, what does he see in Ben Affleck? I take exception to that.
People fart much more than they care to realize.
I constantly am smelling fart fumes.
Sometimes, it's fear, or lust, or joy.
And joy farts, now, they are amazing.
That would fit.
Everything I need to know about someone, I can glean from their asshole.
Some people think that eyes are the window into the soul.
Couldn't be more wrong.