Wilfred s01e03 Episode Script


What? I mean, I used to be invisible to him but now he keeps looking at me like he knows we stole these plants from him.
I'm just being paranoid, right? Well, these buds are called Purple Thunder Paranoia but no, you're not being paranoid.
No, of course I am.
Like right now.
It looks like he's coming over here.
He looks pissed.
Why would he be coming here pissed? I don't know, Ryan.
Because you smashed his windows, stole his weed and shat in his boot? You smashed his window.
You, me, what's the difference? What is the difference? Wilfred, I think there's something in that weed.
I don't think so, mate.
There's only one way to find out.
That's weird, right? Yeah.
That doesn't happen till later.
Later? What are you? Wilfred, what's going on? Am I dreaming? I wanna wake up now.
Ryan, there's something I need to tell you.
I don't think you'll remember this, but that's for the best.
None of this is real.
There's no way he could know it was me.
That's the thing I need to tell you, mate.
He knows.
Up for a stroll, mate? So you gonna tell me what that is? Oh.
It's for you.
Open it.
You don't have to say "open it," okay, Ryan? I know to open it.
It's a Kobe beef femur from a high-end butcher.
It's the best money can buy.
Feel that weight.
I thought you'd be excited.
You want me to be excited, Ryan? Buy me a new bong.
Or better yet, a vaporizer.
But a bone? It's like giving a basketball to a black guy.
It was meant to be a token of ourfriendship.
Speaking of token, let's spark up some of that weed we nicked from Spencer.
Maybe we can vaporize it in my new bone.
Hmm, no, won't quite work, will it? What's going on here? What kind of racist monster would spray paint the symbol of another person's culture? It's a hate crime.
Hey, white boy, is that your dog? No, I'm just watching him for a friend.
My wife is extremely fearful of dogs.
She was bitten in the old neighborhood we had to call Animal Control and put the beast down.
So would you please? Wilfred, come.
Please? It's not like I was gonna bite her.
Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week.
Come back to the scene of the crime, did you? I know it was you.
I know it was you.
Had to call the cops on that hoodlum a few weeks ago.
I'm certain this is his revenge.
That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood.
You need to put that asshole in his place.
What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.
So what? That would be less painful than walking around in constant fear.
And what would you suggest I do? March over there, look him straight in the eye and say, "I'm the man that shat in your boot" and bend him over and rule him right up the ass.
You want me to have sex with him? It's called domination.
It's how dogs handle this.
And believe me, it's very effective.
And have you done this with another dog? Every goddamn day.
I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.
Well, then, you have no imagination.
If only that were true.
I mean, I used to be invisible to him, but But then he started looking at me, like he knew we stole these plants from him.
I'm just being paranoid, right? Well, these buds are called Purple Thunder Paranoia but no, you're not being paranoid.
Of course I am.
Ryan, there's something I need to tell you.
Is that? It is.
Mate, the thing is, he knows.
How is that possible? Because after we broke into his house I think I may have left your wallet underthe window.
What? Actually, wait.
No, no, I definitely did do that.
I know you're in there.
Why leave my wallet outside his window? I don't know, Ryan.
Why is the sky gray? Why is the grass gray? Why is a rainbow gray, gray, gray, gray, gray and infra-gray? Now, open the door, pull down his pants and tear that ass up.
Hey, Ryan, lose something? Uh! Oh, wow, I've been looking for this.
Because you dropped it when you broke into my house, you piece of shit.
Enough words, Ryan.
I'll hold him down, you get his pants.
No, no, no, I can explain.
Yeah, go ahead, but I'm not a very good listener.
They broke into my house too.
Come on, only a complete tosser would believe Keep talking.
Yeah, they stole my wallet.
They must've dropped it when they broke into your house.
No, no bullshit.
And that sick bastard actually took a dump on my Blu-ray.
He shit in my boots.
Guess you think you're pretty clever, eh? Yeah.
Well, looks like we're both victims here.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even get your name.
It's Spencer.
You know, it's funny.
I've seen you around the neighborhood, and I always figured you were a dick.
But now I feel like I'm the dick.
I'm sorry I barged in on you.
Hey, it's fine.
You make me sick.
Oh, you're mad at me? You set me up.
You pussed out.
I did not puss out.
Sometimes when I look at you, I can almost see a tampon string hanging out of you.
You can't run away from your problems.
Look, I took care of this my way.
The way that did not get my ass kicked.
He's gone and he's not coming back.
Well, that's interesting because he's at the front door.
No, he's not.
Hey, now that I think you're cool and you think I'm cool I was thinking we could hang out.
Oh, um Do you like porn? God, listen to me.
What, am I some kind of idiot? Who doesn't like porn? Damn, this shit gets me rock hard.
You too, right? Uh Yeah, I guess.
Having fun, Ryan? Just another lazy Sunday watching porn with your drunk, rock-hard neighbor.
It's all good.
I'm having a great time too, buddy.
Hard to believe four hours ago, we didn't know each other.
Four hours? Yeah.
Hey, how long does that battery last, anyway? Oh, shit, I should've brought my cord.
You're not a Mac guy, are you? Oh, well, the thing is l Nice save.
Good doggie.
Now we can porn out all night.
Uh, well, let me just feed Wilfred his lunch and then we can resume porn-ing out.
Okay, lunch-wise, I'm thinking a thinly sliced porterhouse on I'm not making lunch, Wilfred.
It's like you're torturing me forfun.
Why? I'm giving you a gift, and it pains me to watch you squander it.
A gift? What you're giving me is a sociopathic porn-crazed pain in the ass.
Oh, I forgot.
You're the resident authority on gift-giving.
That bone is a nice gift.
It's a shit gift.
What I'm giving you is far more valuable.
Chance to be rid of that knuckle-dragging asshole once and for all.
I'm gonna get rid of him my way.
Hey, buddy, I think I'm a little porned out.
Oh, I get it, say no more.
I, uh Sometimes, I come on a little bit strong, you know.
At least that what my case worker says.
So enough porn.
Let's hit the titty bar.
That Ha, ha, that sounds fun.
Um, but I really should clean out the poop from the Blu-ray player.
It's been a few days.
Oh, okay, okay.
Rain check, buddy.
Hey, Ryan, let smoke some of that weed we stole off Spencer.
What is up with your dog? Nothing.
I'll bring it up.
He is freaking out.
Shouldn't we see what's up? Hey, let's go to the titty bar.
First round jerk job's on me.
Push it In, make it fit On the floor, peek-a-boo Are you sure it's okay to have my dog here? Hey, anything goes at Club Medea.
I think it's pronounced "Medea.
" Your new nickname? The Professor.
Push lt Hey, Ryan, check out these wrecked udders.
Ha, ha! Ooh, ooh! Check out this disaster.
God, listen to me.
This is how jaded you get when you have a transsexual stripper for a dad.
Now, he had perfect breasts.
Yeah, I saw them in that porn you showed me.
Let's gol On to the merry-go-round we go Baby goes down Baby goes down low Pop star, go powder your nose I'll take you to an Alabama carnival You want a tough white boy Well, I got dick like Marlon Brando Heh, that's good to know But can you push it back and forth? Listen, Spencer, there's something I need to tell you.
You can tell me anything, Ryan.
And I want you to be completely honest with me.
My last buddy, Jesse he was a liar and a thief.
And that's why I punched him in the throat and ripped off his ear.
Now, what did you wanna tell me? I was just gonna say, um That stripper has weird breasts.
Oh, nice.
Where? Her? Her? Hmm.
That was weird.
Well, see you around.
Hey, I got half a bottle of Schlag and taco shells inside.
The night is young.
Schlag and taco shells it is.
Wilfred, come here.
Relax, I know how to get him back.
Look at that dumb dog.
Ryan, are you seeing this? This defies all logic.
Why can't I catch it? Ryan, make it stop.
I beg of you, do something.
Wilfred's been misbehaving all day.
He deserves this.
Check this out.
Where are you, you gray bastard? Show yourself.
Let's finish this.
What's going on? What's all the noise? There you are.
Aah! Wilfred, no! What are you gonna do with him? Don't worry, we're gonna take him to a nice farm upstate.
Ooh, a farm, with duckies and piggies and ponies.
I wonder if I can kill a pony.
There must be something I can do.
All right.
Give me 50 bucks.
I'll leave him leashed up to the dumpster behind Animal Control.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hey, Ryan, I just found this Persian chick on craigslist who said she'll let us throw a shoe at her.
What the hell is he doing here? Spencer.
Wait, you're Jesse.
Yeah, that's the little bitch who stole my girlfriend and my toaster oven.
You banged my mom.
One time.
And I texted you the minute I finished.
I didn't lie about it.
You're friends with this jerk? Best friends.
Well, in that case, the deal's off.
Oh, and by the way, there is no farm.
He's getting the needle.
So long, Ryan.
Come visit me at the farm.
Bring bread for the ducks.
What the hell? I told you, the deal was off.
And why'd you bring him? I'm only here because my new best friend asked me to come.
You two have some things to talk about right, Spencer? And in the meantime, may I have five minutes alone to say goodbye to my dog? Ten cages down on your right.
I hear you yapping.
You want the smokes, but what are you gonna do for me? You think it was easy smuggling these in? Believe me, it didn't tickle coming out.
It's about time.
We good to go? I'm working on it.
Look, I shouldn't have let Spencer tease you with that laser pointer.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
Isn't there something you'd like to apologize for? Not that I can think of, no.
Uh, my wallet? Everything else you've put me through today? Why would I apologize for giving you a gift? If anything, a "thank you" would be nice.
Uh, yeah, she was your girlfriend, but she was a prostitute.
You knew damn well she didn't work on Saturdays.
You banged her on Shabbos, man.
Seems like you got everything under control, eh, Ry? Getting my ass kicked is not gonna solve anything.
Ryan, will you please tell this lying thief the meaning of loyalty? Oh, right.
This coming from the guy who took advantage of my mom.
My sweet, innocent mom when she was on ecstasy.
Okay, guys, enough.
Spencer, you may not think what you did to Jesse was wrong but he thinks it was wrong, and he was hurt by it.
And the same goes for you too, Jesse.
And if caring about your best friend's feelings isn't important to you then maybe you don't know what friendship really is.
Take your mutt.
I'll lose the paperwork.
Thank you.
You watched any porn lately? I have a government job.
All I do is watch porn.
Oh, hey, Ryan, you mind if I, uh? Not at all.
Go porn out.
So Spencer's back with Jesse, and I didn't get my ass kicked.
Guess I can run away from my problems.
Hey, the third amigo has arrived.
And the saga continues.
I was just on my way over to Spencer's to grab the Schlag.
You brought food forthe crew.
Jesse and I let ourselves in.
I hope you don't mind.
I don't mind.
Ryan, do you mind? Okay, here's what I'm thinking, right? Once we all get nice and wasted, bottle-rocket fight.
Then, assuming there's no major burns, we head overto the waterslide park.
And afterthat, we go to the bar where the bartender won't even throw us out because it's, like, the best bar ever.
I shat in your boot.
What? I broke yourwindow, I stole your weed, and I took a shit in your boot.
And then I lied to your face.
Why? Because you're an asshole, Spencer.
How am I an asshole? Because you rev your motorcycle at all hours of the night you sprayed the Patels' statue, and you leave your damn trash cans in front of my damn garage, all You steal from me, lie to me.
I am gonna rip your You all right, mate? Am I all right? I lost a tooth.
And I think he may have broken my eye socket.
I was in a fight.
Oh, man.
With a scary dude.
And I'm all right.
Thanks, Wilfred.
Thank you.
This turned out to be a pretty nice gift after all.
Oh, man.
What the hell? I, uh He has 10 seconds to get his friend out of your house.
You have 10 seconds to get your friend out of my house.
Orthe same's gonna happen to him.
Or the same's gonna happen to you.
Oh, shit, man If you ever see his face again, you'll slash his family's throats.
Then go to their funerals and slaughter everyone.
Oh, that's gold.
Say that, Ryan.
I'm not saying that.
You are such a pussy.
I don't know.
That's a tough one.
Um, I guess I'd screw Toto, marry Lassie, and kill Marmaduke.
Your turn.
No, thanks.
Dogs aren't really my thing.
Answer the question, Ryan.
Uh, all right.
I guess I'd screw Anne Hathaway No, no, she's not on the list.
Go pick someone on the list.
These are all dogs.
You can't screw Lassie.
She's my wife.
Now, pick someone off the list.
The only other name on here is Scrappy-Doo.
That's sick, Ryan.
He's only 10 months old.
You're into kiddies? Is that your thing? I didn't have any other choice.
You could've taken a pass.
You're doing it wrong.
No, I'm not.
You're missing the whole point of the toy.
Here, give it here.