Wilfred s01e04 Episode Script


Oh, hey.
Wow, look at you.
Oh! Thanks.
Oh, I'm running late.
Yeah, okay.
Not again.
Kristen, you gotta stop these secret-ninja food drops.
We need to talk before things get weird.
Oh, my dear sweet Lord.
The natural wool fibers provide an aggressive yet forgiving exfoliation without any of the painful after-burn of some of your cheaper synthetics.
Oh, yeah.
That's disgusting.
You rub your ass on everything, and I want it to stop.
Ryan, my anal glands need to be expressed.
It's my constitutional right.
Freedom of expression.
Oh, Mexican today.
She's mixing it up a little.
She must be worried sick about me.
You think she's doing this because she cares? This is a guilt burrito.
And they put onions in it.
Son of a bitch.
I do feel guilty.
Kristen was just trying to be a good sister, and I told her to get out of my life.
She just wants what's best for me.
Then she should accept you as you are.
Kristen's always busting balls.
Does she ever try just licking them? How am I gonna get her to stop this? You know how Jenna stopped me from chewing on her panties? She didn't.
Know why? She never caught me in the act.
You gotta catch Kristen in the act.
How are we supposed to spot Kristen with all this smoke? Use the wipers.
That's better.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Don't open that door.
What's the point of having a bake-out if we don't get properly baked? What the? Not the floor mat.
I'm trying to change your behavior.
I caught you in the act.
Ryan, I've been doing this for years.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
That's good.
I just come up with that.
You should write that down.
Aah! Why? Why? Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
What is your guitar doing on the steps? I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
I found your guitar in the basement.
I left it on the steps.
Is it broken? No, I think it's just out of tune.
I don't take generic.
This is a switch, huh? Back when we were kids, you gave me the boo-boo medicine.
I gave you boo-boo medicine not too long ago and you abused it, remember? You're right.
I messed up.
But I'm feeling better.
In fact, my life is great.
Dog-sitting is not a career, Ryan.
Is this how you're gonna spend the rest of your life? God, I have to work at the hospital all day tomorrow, I can't drive, and my stupid husband is off golfing in Vegas.
Leo is so boring he probably is golfing.
I'd be happy to drive you.
Thank you, Ryan, but if I am not there on time to catch the baby, I don't get paid.
Look, I know I've been a little unreliable.
But come on, give me a chance to prove I've changed.
Did you hearthat? Yeah, you sound very sincere.
No, I mean I'll be right back.
You're late.
If this band's gonna make it, we need to show a bit more dedication.
We have a band? Yeah.
All's we gotta do is lay down a demo, shop it to the labels, then start giggling.
We're gonna go bigtime, baby.
I'm talking six fingers.
And it all starts tomorrow.
I can't.
Why not? I have to help Kristen.
You're letting her get between the band.
Can't believe this.
Calm down.
That's what John Lennon said before he ran off with that Asian bitch.
Don't be racist.
How can I? I'm incapable of seeing color.
Wilfred, she needs me.
Oh, and I don't? You know how I feel about being left alone.
It's just a few hours.
What am I supposed to do all by myself in a house? Jeez.
So high-maintenance.
What if something happens? What could happen? Well, I guess we'll find out.
Look at this place.
I think this is gonna work out great.
I mean, it's pretty cool, huh? You got an outdoor area and look, a TV.
I'm begging you, Ryan.
Don't leave me in here with all these losers.
Look at the hair on this ponce, and the pug.
"I'm so ugly, I'm cute.
" No, you are ugly.
Look at this genius, chasing his tail around in circles.
It's not going anywhere.
What the? This is my friend Ryan.
And this must be Wilfred.
Hi, Wilfred.
Ha, ha.
What is he? Good question.
Well, he's gorgeous.
And something tells me he likes peanut butter.
Oh, God, it's his favorite.
He looks a little nervous.
Yeah, he'll be fine.
Look, he's already made a friend.
Smoke? Yeah, I should quit too.
This is better than being left alone at home all day, right? Yeah.
That's Ryan.
Ha! I never noticed that before, but you're right.
It is too big for his body.
Ha! L-O-L.
I'll be back before lunch.
Bye, Wilfie.
Don't you guys worry.
I have a gift with dogs, okay? Wilfred's gonna have a ball.
Right on time.
I'm impressed.
No, actually, I'm shocked.
See? It's the new Ryan.
What's wrong? When you threw my crutches in back, it vibrated right into my ankle.
I'm out of gas.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I'm kidding.
Ryan, don't tease me.
When I get stressed, my ankle hurts.
Is that why they call it a stress fracture? Ha, ha.
Laughing hurts too.
Hey, it's Ryan.
I'm just checking in on Wilfred.
How's he doing? Oh, he's fitting right in.
Man, he sure does love peanut butter.
Well, I'll be there in a half an hour.
Take care.
How was the C-section? Ugh! Twins, one ugly baby two times.
Whatever, who cares? Where do you wanna have lunch? Oh, I have to be somewhere.
I'm buying.
No, it's not that.
I just have to pick up Wilfred.
That dog? That's why you don't wanna have lunch? No, I do.
You're still angry with me about something.
All I've ever tried to do is keep you safe I'm not mad.
I just promised Just listen.
Let's go to lunch.
Ryan, keep your voice down.
You're embarrassing me.
Hello? Oh, hi.
You're late.
I'm sorry.
I had lunch with my sister, and she wanted to go shopping and It's okay.
Wilfred and I had a great time.
Didn't we Wilfred? Can we go now? Ah-ah-ah.
Bear stays here.
Of course.
Wilfred, drop it.
Drop it.
What's wrong with you? Must be hungry.
Well, he shouldn't be.
Bye, Wilfred.
I never wear jackets anymore, but she really wanted me to have it.
It's very fetching, Ryan.
A perfect choice.
You know, Kristen's not so bad.
When she ran out of things to criticize, we actually had a lot of fun.
I'm very happy for you, Ryan.
I'm happy for you both.
I think she's finally starting to accept me for who I am.
What are you doing? A cry for help, mate.
Is this because I was late picking you up? No, Darryl didn't do anything wrong.
Who said anything about Darryl? Better go home.
Jenna will be wondering where I am.
She's working late.
Let's take a walk.
Hey, champ.
Got something that will make you smile.
What do you mean "no"? It's peanut butter.
No, no.
You love it.
No, it's not right.
Cut the crap, Wilfred.
How long are you gonna stay mad at me? So I was late Just leave me alone.
And stop being such a baby.
It's peanut butter.
Take it.
Take it.
You know you want it.
He likes peanut butter.
Wilfred's gonna have a ball.
Holy shit.
Wilfred? What are you doing in there? A numbertwo.
I know that's not true.
Please open the door.
He rubbed it all over his nut sack.
Then I l It's okay.
I just don't understand why you'd Why you'd do that.
You think I wanted to? Ryan, it was peanut butter.
It's Kristen.
Hey, I just wanted to thank you again.
You really impressed me today.
Look About tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Yeah.
My ankle? Still sprained.
I have to be at work at 9.
I'm sorry.
I can't help you tomorrow.
I have to stay with a friend.
Afriend? Thanks for understanding.
You are not going back to that daycare.
Except to get Bear.
What? We have to save Bear.
You mean the teddy bear? What Darryl does to Bear is even worse.
It's a stuffed animal.
Yeah, Ryan.
Stuffed with pain and humiliation and Darryl's cum.
And bits of foam, I think.
Oh, my God.
I'm such an idiot.
This is exactly what you accused Kristen of doing.
You're using guilt to manipulate me.
What? Why would I do that? Because you're jealous.
I chose Kristen over you, and she and I are getting along.
So you come up with this bullshit story.
Bullshit it's bullshit.
Darryl is a dog "molesterer.
" I'm starting to think you're more trouble than you're worth.
The head games? The endless need for attention? The way you constantly critique every shit I take.
I've had enough.
Hey, change of plans.
Yeah, I'll see you there at 9.
I should've known you wouldn't believe me.
It's like you're shoving his big, hairy, peanut butter ball bags in my mouth all over again.
Go home, Wilfred.
You're not my father and I hate you.
I wish I'd never been born.
So I finally saw Tom and Sandy's new place, and the verdict is not good.
I mean, there's a fine line between Beverly Hills elegance and Persian overkill.
It looked like they used the same decorator as Saddam Hussein.
No, please.
What were you saying? Oh, great.
My 10:00 just canceled.
Forty-five-year-old woman decides to skip her amnio? She's even dumber than her kid's gonna be.
So looks like I have a free morning.
Hey, um, you know what we should do? I don't want it too short.
No, of course not.
Just something that looks more professional.
Not I mean, you know, neat.
Do it.
Hello? Ryan, you've gotta help me.
How'd you get this number? No time to explain.
Darryl's gone to get the peanut butter.
I don't believe He's gone to get the peanut butter, Ryan.
He's trying to trick me into doing it all again.
You gotta put a stop to thls.
You've got to Hello? Hello? Dolly wants a haircut.
Dolly isn't real.
She's real to me.
Hey, remember Sheila Caufield? Doesn't matter.
She runs a legal aid center downtown and it's for poor people.
No one's gonna care if you don't try that hard.
I was thinking You'd trick me into doing it again.
I don't wanna be a lawyer.
I was just trying to help.
I don't need your help.
I've been taking care of you my entire life.
What do you want me to do, just stop? Yes.
Look, I don't need a mother.
I just need a sister who can accept me as I am.
Can you do that? I don't know.
Can't teach an old dog new tricks.
I'll try, but if I can't Then I'll just have to accept you as you are.
A pain in the ass.
I'm sorry.
Wilfred needs me.
Oh, that dog again? Ryan, you Okay, go, go.
Yeah, I'll just take a cab.
Car's out front, Ryan.
Thank you.
Come on.
My nights are so long now My days drag on too Wherever I go now I feel so blue Because you don't love me The way I still love you Oh, what a surprise.
I'll bet.
I'm sorry? Where's Wilfred? Ryan.
Let's go.
Oh, um, Jenna signed him in so she has to sign him out.
I'll just call to confirm.
No need.
Wilfred, we're leaving.
He's not your dog.
And he's not your sex toy.
He's a pain in the ass, but he's my friend.
If he's got a problem, I've got a problem.
Let's go.
Well, okay.
But you can't take the bear.
Don't even think about it.
Are you crazy? That's one possibility.
Wilfred, get Bear.
Is that a squirt gun? Hey.
Aah! I don't even know what happened back there.
You came for me.
I knew you would.
Why do I put up with you? Ah, but that's the question, isn't it, mate? Cut, cut, cut.
You're supposed to be playing G there.
Yeah, G, that's what I'm playing.
No, you're playing H.
There is no H.
Not in this song there's not.
Wilfred, I did not play an H.
Bear? Hang on.
Is Bear even in this band? Why, would that be a problem? Well, if his only purpose is to help gang up on me, then yes.
He doesn't play any instrument.
Plays a pretty good skin flute.
Let Bear play bass if he's such an expert.
Bear's giving constructive criticism.
Don't take it personally.
Well, it doesn't get much more personal than I play bass like a busted vagina.
I can't work like this.
Bear, drop it.
He didn't like that.
We just have to put up with him until we can find a new Go down to G into the middle bit.
Then it's chorus, chorus, chorus.
Hi, mate.
Three, four.
Down to G now.
That's it.
I have you so trained.
What? Well, all week long, I've been clicking this and giving you a treat every time you sat down.
Now, I don't even have to give you a treat and you still sit down.
I have to hand it to you, Ryan.
You humans do possess the superior intellect.
Well, I did go to Stanford Law School.
The canine ear is fourtimes more sensitive than that dried apricot you call an ear.
As a matter of fact, right now, I'm I'm hearing something.
Three or four miles away.
Glass breaking.
A gun being cocked.
A man screaming.
Oh, my God, Ryan.
What? What? Coming from the other direction, I can I can hear two Labradors going at it.
What about the man screaming? Shh! They're both female.
Well, should I call 911? No, they're just experimenting.
Don't wait up.