Wilfred s01e05 Episode Script


God, it's so nice to have an afternoon off.
I'm glad you were able to come out to lunch with me.
Well, my Mondays are usually pretty light.
Um, it's Thursday.
I'm just saying that Mondays work too, lunch-wise.
Jenna? Oh, my God, Nick.
I thought it was you.
Uh, this is my neighbor Ryan.
I profiled Nick for the local "Hero of the Week" segment on the 5:00 news.
He spent a whole year in Africa building houses forthe poor.
Solar-powered, of course.
They each have the carbon footprint of a tiny African baby.
Oh, and I made them shoes.
Nick is an amazing person.
Hey, it's all about the kids.
Who have shoes now.
You're like the great white Oprah, aren't you? Actually, I think of myself as post-racial.
What do you do, Ryan? Oh, um Well, it's Thursday, so, uh Ryan used to be a very powerful lawyer, but now he's taking some time off.
To do what? Uh, you know Well, that sounds Yeah.
Come on, mate, give us a bit of that Gouda I'm smelling.
Wilfred, you can't have cheese.
What am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit, and the shit tastes like grass.
Wilfred, come back.
I'll go.
You two catch up.
Cheese isn't good for you.
I'm sick of you telling me what I can and can't do.
It's like baby-killers say, my body, my choice.
Oh, I'm sorry, but apparently, looking after you is my sole reason for getting out of bed.
What am I doing with my life? Nothing.
Don't undersell yourself.
How many people can watch a whole season of The Wire in one sitting? Not many, I'd wager.
That shit is dense.
The way Jenna jumped in to cover for me, like I'm some kind of loser? Is that what people think of me? What are you, a golden retriever? What do you care? Excuse me? Would you sign a petition to support the South Venice Hospice? Yeah, sure.
Uh, just sign here, but don't worry about the address part.
You can just leave that blank.
Why would I do that? Well, you could list a shelter or something.
Shelter? You think I'm homeless? Do I look homeless? Well, you are talking to a dog.
Here we are.
You said we were going for a walk.
Awalk, Ryan, which by definition means no destination.
Even a cat knows that.
I thought it would be a good idea to get off the couch and do some volunteerwork.
You mean like community service? That's for drunk drivers and wife-beaters, not decent folk.
Come on.
Let's go over to that playground and blaze a fatty.
Come on.
It'll feel good to do something worthwhile.
These people have a lifetime of wisdom to share with us.
Like what? How to keep from sitting on your balls? Wilfred, we're doing this.
You can't make me do whatever you want.
You're not my husband.
Oh, my God.
The stench.
Wilfred, you can't pee here.
Why not? Everyone else is.
We're here to volunteer.
Oh, fantastic.
Stay right there, I'm gonna start planning your parade.
Just a cake will be fine.
Anyway, uh, this is Wilfred and I'm You know what? Let's not bother with names.
If you make it through the day, we'll revisit this.
Kill me, please.
What? I wanna die.
Why won't they let me die? Oh, you don't mean that.
You've got a lot of living to do.
There are mountains to be climbed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's gonna change his diaper on those mountains, huh? These people are ready to die.
Hope is the last thing they need.
A coffin is the last thing they need, up top.
I just thought Ah-ah-ah.
Our only job is to offerthem peace and comfort for theirfinal days not cheery little pep talks.
Think you can handle that? Uh-huh.
All right, Mr.
Wilfred, you can't do that.
Can't eat cheese, can't jack morphine.
Is there anything I can do, Ryan? That dog can't be in here.
Oh, it's okay.
He's a service dog.
There's something about that dog I don't like.
Something about him rattles me bones.
I ain't rattling your bones.
Not without a few drinks in me.
Have a nice day.
I don't get it, Ryan.
No one in America wants to be a nurse? Admit it, Ryan, you're not getting any satisfaction out of this.
You're only here so Jenna and everyone will think you're a do-gooder.
Yeah, okay, I wanna be admired.
I want people to think I'm a good person, like that douche bag in the park.
What's wrong with that? The only opinion that matters is yours.
Come on, let's get stoned and then go home and get stoned.
I'm not going anywhere.
And neither are you.
You wanna heal the sick like Florence Henderson? Be my guest.
It's Florence Nightingale.
No, I'm talking about the episode where Jan got the mumps.
Or was that Bobby? And why did they need Alice? Sure, they had six kids, but Carol didn't even work.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm very, very high.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Helms, I took that pile of photos on your dresser and I put them in this scrapbook so you could look at your loved ones.
If there's anything else I can do for you Wait.
Yes? Do that thing you did for me in Paris.
I'm not sure l Come on, Betty, the war's over.
Take these trousers off and toss my salad.
What? Do it, you little whore.
Get yourtongue in there and play with yourself.
That's it.
I'm done.
Hey, volunteer guy, scrub that out.
Actually, I was about to get my dog and Oh, my God, your dog.
Officer, I swear, she told me she was 3.
Uh, I'm sorry, I'll get him out of No, no, no, he sensed that Mr.
Gordon was leaving us and he didn't want him to die alone.
Your dog did a beautiful thing.
He did? Well, compassion was the first trick I taught him.
Hi, I'm Ryan.
Everybody, this is Ryan and his dog, Wilfred.
I knew Wilfred was special, but this is amazing.
I'm not sure he actually did anything.
No, I've heard about this kind of thing.
There was this cat in Ohio that predicted 22 deaths.
They say that it's a chemical thing.
Something that they can smell.
I just thought he went in there to pass out.
Uh, sleep.
So Wilfred has a gift.
How about that? I am so proud of him.
I'm proud of you both.
Come here, Wilfred.
Come here.
I'm gonna make you a special dinner.
Hey, if you're not doing anything, do you wanna join us? I'm just gonna toss a salad.
Sounds great.
Think you might be disappointed, mate.
Sometimes the term "tossed salad" means a bowl of lettuce.
Drop it.
Wilfred, come on.
I don't want you sick when we go back to the hospice.
I don't think I'm going back.
What? Why? I know you're getting off on being a big hero, but let's look at the reality.
I'm a dog with a wondrous spiritual gift you're a man who made a 30-foot paperclip chain.
Who has the power now, Ryan? Because it's feeling like me.
If I'm gonna do this, it's gonna cost you.
What do you want? What I want is whatever I want.
But that stuff makes you I didn't catch that.
Makes me what? It makes you Come again? I'm not playing this.
Are you? Oh.
L Oh, God.
Don't deny yourself, Ryan.
Enjoy it.
Enjoy me.
Look at that.
It's like Wilfred is an angel of mercy to them.
I'm glad you came back.
It's nice to see someone who really cares.
There's a lot of jerks who volunteer to make themselves look good.
You're kidding.
People actually do that? Oh, yeah.
That dog needs to go back where he come from, the gates of hell.
Maybe you should go back to where you came from.
Right over there, where you were standing before you came over here.
Don't mind Ruby.
She's been a total bitch since the earthquake took herfamily.
Oh, look.
It's like Wilfred can sense that Mrs.
Miller is ready to leave us.
I'm gonna go call her family.
Yeah, you can run, but you can't hide.
But you can't really run either, can you? Ha.
Uh, I'm reading you a book, Mr.
Did I ever tell you about the time I choked a Jap? Brandeis mixer.
I think it's time for your nap.
Dog guy.
What's going on? Mrs.
Miller hasn't passed yet.
Maybe Wilfred's wrong.
Was yesterday just a fluke? No, no, Wilfred's done this a lot.
He predicted 22 deaths at a hospital in Ohio.
I thought that was a cat.
Lamestream media.
Piss off.
I'm working.
Maybe he could use a little walk.
What's the problem? You said you could do this.
Save it, Ryan.
I'm under enough pressure.
Where'd you get that key card? That there be none of your business.
Whoa, you can't do this.
I can do whatever I want.
That's the deal, right? I'm not kidding around here, Wilfred.
This is serious stuff.
Some of it is.
Some of it's just over-the-counter crap.
This is not gonna happen.
All right, then.
Well, I guess we're through here.
I'll go back to being a dog and you can go back to your celebrated status as a land baron in "FarmVille.
" Bottoms up.
Oh, that's right.
Ha, ha.
You're driving.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go shepherd Mrs.
Miller's soul to heaven.
Or hell.
I leave those details to others.
I promise you, she is so close.
She was right on the brink of death.
Tell the truth, Wilfred.
This is all just a scam, isn't it? These things take time.
Trust me, she's on her way out.
Just give me some dinner.
I want pizza.
Last thing I'm giving you is more cheese.
Pizza is what I want.
We had a deal.
That's when I was stupid enough to think you were for real.
Deal's off.
Now, let's get out of here before we completely humiliate ourselves.
I do think that any minute now So about that pizza? Did you? Oh, my God.
Wilfred did it again.
And I want the kind with cheese in the crust.
You lied to me.
You told me you had a gift.
And you told me we were getting pizza.
What's the bigger lie here, mate? I ask you that.
I can't believe I let this happen.
You killed that woman.
Now, that's just crazy talk.
You're really overreacting here.
I saw you with the pillow.
I was fluffing it.
Over her face.
I'm just doing God's work, man.
And a lot more efficiently, I might say.
Well, it stops now.
Hey, I've been waiting for you to get home.
I told my producer about your work at the hospice.
He agreed you and Wilfred would be perfect for our next "Hero of the Week" segment.
Oh, I'm no hero.
Of course you are.
Look, it'll be great.
Me and my cameraman will follow you so we can show the world what you've done.
I don't think that's a great idea.
Don't be so modest.
Not like you were doing this to impress anybody.
I'm committed for tomorrow's broadcast.
Look, Jenna Ryan, you're doing this.
I can't call my producer and tell him that I couldn't book my own dog.
You hearthat? I'm gonna be a TV star.
Hey, we're on.
Better start working on my catchphrase.
So I'd like to get some B-roll of you with one of the patients.
Uh Maybe him? Yeah, or anyone else.
Hi, I'm Lisa, I'm the staff coordinator.
I am so happy that you're doing a story on Ryan and his amazing work.
You are an inspiration.
I'm really not.
Stop it.
Okay, can you believe I had to talk him into this? Some people would kill for attention.
I know, right? So humble.
Excuse me.
He's so sweet.
I know.
We can't go through with this.
Relax, Ryan.
This is what you wanted, isn't it? To be a well-regarded douche bag? No.
I mean, I thought l Sorry, Ryan, but I have the power now.
I can't be bothered by what you want anymore.
Now it's about what the people want, and they want sweet release.
I'm their savior, mate.
So the question isn't "what does Ryan want?" It's "what would Wilfred do?" That's exactly what I'm afraid of.
It's showtime.
Hey, everybody, Wilfred's back.
Pick me, I just wanna die.
No, no, I'm more tumorthan person.
Pick me.
I'll suck your dick.
That's a good pitch, but I wanna hear others.
Uh You, Skeletor, why do you deserve to die? You think you smart, but I figure out what you are doing.
Your dog be distracting everybody so you can steal our medicine.
Zip it, Ruby.
I checked the records.
Your key card is the only one accessing the drug closet.
So if anything's missing, it's on you.
You'll be sorry.
Soon, everybody be sorry.
Don't worry.
I'll deal with the nurse.
I'll make her see the light.
What are you gonna? Hey, are you ready for your close-up? All right, Ryan, we're almost ready.
Are you nervous? I'm just trying to figure out how the hell I got here.
Okay, just be yourself.
The one thing that being in front of the camera has taught me some people are gonna like you and some are gonna hate you.
But if you worry about what other people think, you'll just drive yourself crazy.
You'll be great.
So I'm just gonna start by asking you a few questions, and then Oh, my God.
It's Ruby.
Wilfred! Oh, my God.
You did it, you really did it.
Whatever I did, I did for the both of us.
I never wanted this.
Tell me something, Ryan.
When those pathetic bags of bones down there fall to their knees and pray for death, who do you think they're praying to? Me, that's who.
You've lost your mind.
It's like you've got some kind of God complex.
I'll let you in on a little secret, Ryan.
I haven't got a God complex.
I am God.
Thunder! How did you do that? Lucky coincidence.
You've got it wrong, Wilfred, and so did I.
I don't care what other people think.
The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself.
Well, it's a little late for that.
I won't let you get away with this.
Stay out of my way.
Or the next bed I curl up in might be yours.
No! I have something to say.
You're making a mistake.
I don't care.
I can't let this go on any longer.
Hey, look, Ruby left a suicide note.
She did? Are you sure it's in human handwriting? I swear that's not a racial thing.
I hate to do this, but I think there's a bigger story here than you and Wilfred.
Oh, no, there's no story here.
We don't need this kind of publicity.
I'm sorry, but you've got a rogue nurse who stole huge amounts of drugs then killed herself out of guilt.
This is a pretty juicy exclusive.
Well, this hospice is struggling as it is.
This could shut us down.
I know, and I feel really, really badly.
We're going live.
You know, you had me worried back there at the hospice.
You didn't actually kill anyone, did you? No.
Except for the old lady.
I definitely killed her.
No, but seriously, I did.
I'm kidding.
Wait, you're kidding that you did or you're kidding that you didn't? Okay, Ryan, I really don't want you to get mad here but I'm guilty.
Of being charming.
And killing an old lady.
With kindness.
And a pillow.
Just kidding.
Or am I? Nice kid.
That is so typical of Western thinking.
If you can't see it for yourself, it doesn't exist.
I've actually got many, many magical powers that would blow your mind.
Like what? Hmm.
Off the top of my head, I can make you disappear.
Prove it.
Make me disappear.
Look deeply into my eyes.
Now, you've really gotta concentrate here, okay? So we're breathing deeply, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
That's it.
Now, one big one.
Oh, God.
And just like that, he's gone.