Wilfred s01e11 Episode Script


Why does everything look different? And what have you done with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.
I'm cleaning up a little.
Oh, what? Because you've stopped smoking weed, I can't either? I'm trying to airthe place out.
Sorry, Ryan.
It's dead.
Ryan, it's been 10 days.
What are you trying to prove? I'm not trying to prove anything.
I just like feeling clear-headed for a change.
I've got time forthings like catching up on my reading and learning yoga.
Yoga? Yeah.
Kristen invited me to one of her classes.
Kristen? Exactly how long is this pointless lifestyle experiment gonna last? I've made some positive changes in my life.
In fact, last night I polished up my resume.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy does it.
Ajob, Ryan? You really think you're ready for that? Up there? I've neverfelt better.
Why are you trying to undermine my confidence? It's like you're working against me.
Working against you? Come on, mate.
Have a little faith.
Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid? Look, Ryan, I know you've got your doubts, but you're my best friend.
I love you, mate.
I'd never do anything to Ryan.
Are you listening to me? Aah! What? I said I'd never do anything to harm you.
Awhimsical, light-bodied bouquet.
Crisp, with a hint of peach.
And a lingering, rotten-egg finish.
Boy, I needed this.
I have been so stressed lately.
What's up? Dr.
Ramos invited me to go to India forfour months to help him open his new clinic.
That's amazing.
Well, Leo doesn't want me to go.
He says I won't be able to adjust to a new culture.
Excuse me, but I was the one who was willing to live in the Valley.
Leo thinks I talk too much.
We actually haven't been talking.
Communicating at all Ryan.
Do you see that guy? Who are you talking about? Never mind.
Oh, Ryan, you have to experience this.
Leathery, with subtle tones of menstruation.
When this opens up, it's gonna be beautiful.
I wasn't gonna tell you because you've been acting so negative lately but I'm going on a date tomorrow.
A date? With who? No one.
Just someone I met.
Met where? Well, I Oh.
Com? Oh, my God.
Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces isn't the chick you're going with.
She doesn't have braces.
You can't see them, they're probably on her legs.
How do you think she supports that massive donkey face? I think she's a great match for me.
She's a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness.
She's looking for a long-term relationship.
It's way too soon forthat.
Let me find you a nice hit-it-and-quit-it chick.
Out of your league.
Lazy eye.
Balding Asian grandmother.
Ooh, here we go.
Are you kidding? Are you kidding? Favorite music: All types.
This chick must be, like, an expert in music.
Ryan, wait.
I get it.
You're feeling better about things.
You're cleaning and yogaing and not smoking and life seems like one big, fluffy, pink cloud.
Yeah? So? It's not real.
You think your demons have vanished, but that's a lie, mate.
No offense, but I think I know myself better than you do.
You're right.
What do I know? I'm just your neighbor's dog who talks to you and doubles partner in Wii tennis.
You're totally fine.
Everything looks so good.
I can't decide.
Ha, ha.
Red velvet.
I think I'm gonna be a little bit naughty today.
Nice dog.
He's got quite a personality.
Yeah, that's Wilfred, all right? Heh.
Wilfred? Is that what he's calling himself now? You know, that's real Italian leather.
He might wanna get a sharper knife.
What? Yeah.
I see him too.
And I hear him.
I hear the things he says.
Okay, if this is kind of twisted joke.
Wilfred ruined my life.
And you know what? You're next.
Don't know why you've been following me.
I'm Bruce.
Ryan, is it? Don't you bullshit me, Ryan, you see him.
We both know what I'm talking about.
Who are you? Ryan? Ryan? Shit, he's coming.
Do not tell Wilfred we talked.
You call me when you're ready to learn the truth.
There you are.
Find anything interesting here? Oh, no.
Not really.
This thing we have.
The way we communicate.
Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else? Why do you ask? Have you? It happened once before.
I was at a party and this guy looked right at me and said, "Hey.
What's up, dog? I see you and I know what you're up to.
" And I said, "Well, I see you too.
If you've got something to say, say it.
" Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me who'd been banging his wife.
Ryan, please tell me there hasn't been a guy standing behind me since we met.
So nobody else? You're one of a kind, Ryan.
I had just gotten promoted to night manager.
I decided to treat myself to a sweet-ass studio apartment.
Mini fridge, black light, you name it.
Then one day, I stopped by my landlady's to drop off the rent and this guy answers the door.
Now I can only assume must be her mentally unstable son.
It's like he's playing dress-up or something.
But what I didn't know was that other people didn't see what I saw.
Sound familiar? Yeah.
I just neverthought I'd hear this from someone else.
Anyway, we smoke a joint.
Tells me a couple funny stories.
Next thing I know, I'm hanging out with him all the time.
I'm his goddamn best friend.
Let me guess.
He talked you out of getting a job, didn't he? Keeps you smoking weed all the time.
Hell, I bet he even got you to take a piss in some poor guy's hat.
Not exactly.
And then he convinced you to make out with your own father.
What? No.
I mean me, neither.
Look I know Wilfred may not be the best influence but he's my friend.
Yeah, I thought so too.
One night we're at this strip club.
Wilfred slips me a condom.
Shoves me in the VIP room.
Turns out, he poked a hole in the tip of that condom.
Next thing I know, I'm the proud father of Cinnamon Sizzle's first-born twins.
But the whole time through all the boozing, debauchery, and making out with People I wouldn't have normally made out with.
I never doubted that Wilfred was looking out for me.
I can tell you don't believe me.
But just ask yourself this.
How well do you really know Wilfred? I'll be back from the dentist in a couple hours, so just hang out on the couch and I don't know do whatever it is you do when I'm not around.
Later, man.
I'm sure I'll be right here on the couch where you left me.
Why are you following me? I, uh What, you don't trust me? What's going on? I don't know what to think anymore.
Ryan? Um, yeah.
It's me Angelique.
Hey, just to warn you I had a gin and Sprite while I was getting ready.
Okay, two.
Oh, where's your fedora? You said in your message you were gonna wear it.
My message? Oh, my God.
Some of the things that you wrote were so gross I almost didn't come here on this date.
But then I was like gross is kind of hot, right? And all of that stuff about the post office I don't really know what snout rape means but I hate my mailman too.
Twenty-three inches, Ryan.
What? I know, right? Why the hell am I on a date with Angelique and not the girl I picked? Angelique is an alcoholic blow-job machine.
And you're welcome.
Listen, I think I'm just gonna head home and call it a night.
Why don't I just pay for my drink.
Oh, I get it.
Let's head home? Call it a night? I'm down with that.
Excuse me.
Shitty date, huh? What are you doing here? Do you believe me now, Ryan? I don't know who to believe anymore.
Then test that condom.
It's not too late for you, Ryan.
Get rid of Wilfred.
Get your life back.
Get rid of him? You mean kill him.
What's wrong with you? You don't kill him.
You take him in the middle of nowhere, ditch him.
But he's not even my dog.
L Shh.
He's not your dog but he's your problem.
All right.
I'll do it.
Uh, give me just a second.
Did you just? Shh.
Let me just wash my hands.
Wait, so, where we're going there's an acre a full acre of just pot plants, all for the taking? And there's no security? That's what the guy at the dispensary said.
So would I be able to, like, stuff this whole knapsack full of weed? Sure.
Never smelled that before.
Never smelled that before.
Never smelled that before.
Oh, shoot.
Never smelled that before.
I just realized, I left the granola bars back in the car.
I'll just go get them.
I'll come with you.
No, no.
That's okay.
Uh, just go ahead, I'll catch up.
You stay here, I'll go back to the car.
No, no, no.
Just stay, Wilfred.
Is something going on, mate? You're acting kind of Wait, are you leaving me here? What was that? What was what? Bruce.
What are you doing here? Who are you talking to, mate? Bruce.
You don't see him? See who? I knew he'd do this.
He sees me, he's just being a dick.
Ryan, there's just you and me here, you know that? You're really starting to worry me now.
Look, let's just go back to the car Oh, dude you are bloody kidding me! See? He knows I'm here.
Hello, Bruce.
I should've known you'd have a hand in this.
And you, Ryan.
Conspiring with this lunatic behind my back.
Okay, it's true.
I met Bruce a couple days ago and He told you some crazy story about me ruining his life? Don't listen.
He's trying to get inside your head.
Who you gonna believe, Ryan? Whoa, whoa.
What? We can't leave him here, Ryan.
Now, I don't know what you are.
I don't know if you're a devil, an alien or something crazier than that, but someone's gotta stop you.
You're not well, mate.
Now, listen to me.
I'm through listening to you.
Violence is neverthe answer.
As the great Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Once said.
Oh, shit.
Give me the gun.
Don't do it, Ryan.
He's gonna ruin your life like mine.
Give me that gun.
Tell Ryan about your cocaine addiction? Or your weakness for prostitutes? You convinced me to make out with my father.
Everyone at the party loved it.
They thought it was edgy.
Stop! Not up there, you idiot.
He's down here.
I don't wanna do this.
Kill him, Ryan.
Kill him! Well done, Ryan.
Well done.
Look what you made me do.
Oh, no, this was your choice.
What are you talking about? I just killed a man.
Or did you? Oh! Ha, ha.
Blanks? What the hell is going on? Isn't it obvious? No, it's not obvious.
Nothing is ever obvious with you.
May I? Hi, Ryan.
Hi, Bruce.
Here's the thing, pal.
This shit is complicated.
Good game, Bruce.
I'll get you next time.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
See you around, kid.
Good game? Well, it was more of a contest, really.
And I won.
But the real winner is you.
And me, of course.
That doesn't really clear things up for me, Wilfred.
Rememberthe other day when I told you that your problems hadn't simply vanished? I warned you something like this would happen, you doubted me.
So you made something like this happen? The fact is, you had your doubts, so I put you to the test and when the chips were down, you chose faith over doubt.
You chose me.
So who the hell was that guy? What guy? Bruce.
The guy who was just here.
I don't know who you're talking about, mate.
But he was But you Oh, oh, Bruce? The guy who was just here, "Bruce" Bruce.
Oh, yeah, he's gone, for now.
If you see him around again, you need to let me know, okay? I guess you were right.
I still have a long road ahead of me.
And all those positive changes I thought I made were just fluffy pink clouds.
But those clouds have a silver lining.
You don't have to go it alone, Ryan.
You know I really think I'm gonna be all right.
Of course you are.
I ain't going anywhere.
All right, all right.
Fair enough.
I'll tell you how I met Bruce.
It was about five years ago.
I was hanging around this college campus.
Bruce was a professor there.
And one day, he wrote this super-complicated math equation on the board that no one could solve, except me, the janitor.
Matt Damon? Good Will Hunting? Okay.
It's only fair you know the truth about Bruce.
But I haven't told this to anyone.
I was a young pup at the time.
Good-Iooking, but a little messed-up in the head.
I met Bruce while I was infiltrating the Boston Police Department for this Irish mobster.
The Departed? You want to know how I met Bruce? The truth is I don't remember.
All right, well that's an honest answer.
There's a lot of things I don't remember.
Where I'm from? How I got here? There's only one thing I do know.
My name is Jason Bourne.