Wilfred s02e03 Episode Script


So, you know how girls aren't supposed to eat on the first date? Well, just a heads-up I'm starving, and I'm not going to hold back.
Well, I don't mind breaking a rule or two, like how the guy's supposed to pick up the check on a first date.
Ryan, can we dialogue? I talk, you listen.
I need you to Am I interrupting something here? We were just on our way out.
Well, it'll just take a second.
The CNVN311 patent.
I need you to review and summarize by Friday.
Possible? This Friday? Sure.
Ooh, you sound confident.
Possible? Sure.
Whatever you need.
I like your attitude.
Let's make it Wednesday.
We have eyeless test bunnies in the lab who have it easier than you.
I'm gonna have to start this tonight.
Rain check? Sure.
I'll just pretend all this waiting and rescheduling is some sort of elaborate foreplay.
What do you want? I just want to talk.
Staying home alone is boring.
I'm sorry, but I'm working.
Jenna and Drew will be back in a couple of weeks.
I'm hanging up now.
Wait, wait, real quick.
Did you have anything interesting for lunch? Any spicy sausage? Did you fart? What did it smell like? My boss just threw another huge assignment in my lap.
I don't have time for this.
I even had to cancel a date.
Well, that's 'cause you let your boss walk all over you.
You can't let him keep chipping away at your dignity like a cheap coat of artic glow semigloss.
Garbage time! What choice do I have? I'm lucky to even have this job.
You keep thinking like that, you'll be cleaning up other people's shit for the rest of your life.
You need to stand up for yourself, mate.
What I need is for my boss to ease up and you to let me get some work done.
Don't wait up.
- Oh, this is bullshit! - In.
- But I'm innocent.
- So you didn't trash my living room? One man's trash is another man's feng shui.
That's why I left that pool of yellow water by the southeast door.
I'm going to be late.
Get in.
Why can't I go with you? I can't take a dog to the office.
So you're just going to leave me in that thing, like some guy caged up like some animal? Ryan, I'm a social butterfly.
I need to be where the people dance.
Please? All right, but this is a one time thing.
- Understand? - Yeah! Wait till I distract Stacey, go straight to my office, third door on the right, and stay there.
Hey, Stacey.
Hey, Ryan.
How's the, uh, coffee? Oh, um, actually, it's not that great.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Ah, shit! There's a guy over there! There's a guy over here! There's a lady here! Ryan, look, look! - There's people everywhere! - Oh, my God.
He is so cute.
And you, darling, are a 9.
5 out of 20.
Oh! - Oh, come here, buddy.
- All right.
Ooh, he's so soft.
Sounds like somebody wants to see my balls.
Aw, he wants a tummy rub.
I'll do it.
Is he with you? Uh, he's my neighbor's dog.
I'm watching him for the week.
- Oh.
- You okay? Yeah, I just need a cup of coffee.
Traffic is out of control! Instead of a high-occupancy Lane, okay, they should have a high-productivity Lane, and that way, the people who contribute the most to society can get to where they need to go faster! Stacey, get the guy who's in charge of that on my phone! Is anyone else concerned that there's a stale, half-eaten wheat thin under this desk? Is that a dog in my office? Huh? Tell me That is not a doggy in my office! Whoo! Hi-ya, doggy! Hi, doggy! Whoa Who's a cuddly puppy? You are? Yes, you are.
Grinding me, on the floor, spooning me from behind.
This is happening.
This is actually happening.
Ooh, whose baby are you? Huh? He's my baby, sir.
He is? Is Ryan your big daddy? Jeremy, I have the state highway commissioner on line one.
Well, I've got a belly rub on line two.
Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Hey, Ryan.
How's that patent report going? I may have to work all night, but I should have it by the morning.
Eh, or the next day.
That'll be fine.
- Yes, it will.
Yes, it will.
- Yeah, that could work.
And I'll have to leave Wilfred at home.
- He can be kind of distracting.
- You know what, get it to me whenever.
- Who wants a back rub? - You've had your jollies.
Can you give someone else a turn, eh? First day on the job, and I totally killed it.
Felicia in Accounting, she puts on this whale sound CD, and I'm like, "What's that sound? What's that sound? What's that sound?" And, of course, I knew it was a whale the whole time.
Well, you see, I was pretending.
That's the bit.
Yeah, well, anyway, it was pretty cute.
To the first happy hour we've seen in months.
We should probably toast to Wilfred, right? I mean, the effect he had on Jeremy, it's like magic.
Actually, it's chemistry.
Contact with dogs causes the human brain to release oxytocin, which is the same hormone that mothers produce when they're nursing their babies.
Is it weird that I'm so turned on by how smart you are? Would it turn you on even more if I answered that question in Latin? Es-yay.
What are you doing this weekend? Getting older.
Friday's my birthday.
- Do you have any plans? - I don't know.
I was thinking maybe a Swanson's chicken potpie and huff some keyboard cleaner, see where that takes me.
Or I could take you out to dinner and we could huff keyboard cleaner together.
Okay, but I only huff the good stuff.
I'm kind of a keyboard cleaner snob.
No, but seriously, that would be really nice.
And then Judith in PR, who apparently never laughs, says, "look, he's got scotch tape on the bottom of his paw.
" And you know what? I did! I absolutely did.
Oh, we all had a real good laugh at that one, let me tell you.
Anyway, guys, I better get back to my friends.
Uh, it was good chatting with you.
I'll kill you! I brought balls! Balls! Balls outside the conference room! You like balls? Yay, Ryan brought his dog in again today.
Is this going to be an everyday thing? Ryan, could you, like, put your dog in your office? Yeah, he's cute, but, you know - Yeah, okay, okay.
- Balls, balls.
- Come on.
- Balls! Balls! Balls! - Wilfred - Balls! Balls! Balls! Wilfred, in my office now! I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I'm bombing out there.
Not a single laugh.
Not even an "aw.
" It's bullshit! Ow! - Aw.
- This is no joke.
I'm an office dog.
It's my duty to entertain and amuse, and if I can't do it, they'll bring in some foosball table who can! Yeah, in this economy, there's plenty of hungry young tables that'll work for nothing.
- Suck my dick, Ryan.
- Lighten up.
After two days, the novelty of an office dog has worn thin.
So what? Jeremy likes you.
That guy rubs me the wrong way.
Literally, like, against the grain.
From tail to head.
- Who does that? - He's in a good mood.
That's all that matters.
Well, that's all that matters to you.
They loved me once.
I don't understand.
Why am I slipping? Slipping.
That's it.
What are you going to do? Something big, something epic.
Something people will be talking about for the rest of their morning.
- Possibly through to lunch.
- Wilfred, please.
Hey! Everyone, look at me.
I'm going to run and make a sharp turn into the break room.
I'm sure that my paws will have no trouble getting traction on this slippery polished concrete floor.
W-Wilfred, don't! Oh, great.
Jesus, Ryan.
I just had a salty lunch.
Ricky to the rescue! Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? What is wrong with you people?! What the hell is going on out here? Huh? And why is everybody just standing around? Except for you, Ricky.
You're doing a great job, as always.
Ryan's dog knocked over the water cooler.
I don't give a shit about the water cooler.
I just got off the phone with my source from Kanner/McKay who told me that they are developing a compound that is nearly identical to ours.
And I swear to God, if those clowns come up with a cure for lung cancer, it is going to be a sad, sad day.
Everyone, work now! Ryan! Where's my CNVN report? Oh, I thought you said I could - get that to you whenever.
- Whenever? Does that sound like the type of thing a person who puts $50 million of his own on the line would say? When am I going to get it? Is Monday okay? Tomorrow.
Possible? You, not being a dick, possible? Tomorrow, Friday? But that patent is three inches thick.
Three inches? Stacey, have we sent Ryan the CNVN311 addendum yet? I hereby tender my resignation as office dog.
Well, it'll be a pretty big blow to the company.
Don't forget to schedule an exit interview with the snow globe.
I'm serious, Ryan.
I'm not going back there.
Those idiots wouldn't know adorable if it cornered them in a holding cell and raped them with a plunger handle.
That reminds me Bear, can you pick up a plunger - before our next date night? - Wilfred, you have to come back to the office with me.
I'm never going to finish this in time.
You need to put Jeremy in a good mood so I can ask for an extension.
If I have to cancel on Amanda again, - I'm afraid she'll give up on me.
- You don't need me.
You just need to quit whining and get some self-respect.
I mean, this is your father all over again.
- What are you talking about? - You never stood up to him, either.
So intimidated.
So desperate for approval.
Can't even check "no" on an RSVP card.
Oh Don't tell me you want to go to your father's black-tie circle jerk.
Stop psychoanalyzing me.
It's two completely different situations.
Really, Ryan? Jeremy's nothing like your father? So, when that stern authority figure makes unreasonable demands of you, you don't feel weak and powerless? Your palms don't sweat? And your stomach doesn't twist into knots? You don't fool me, Ryan.
You may wear big-boy pants now, but underneath it all, you've still got that same little-boy penis.
You're coming back to the office with me, and that's it.
No way.
Not unless you help me come up with some new material.
I have to finish this by tomorrow.
You think I have time to teach you a new trick? No, I need to come up with a whole new adorable act.
Better put on a pot of coffee.
This is probably going to take us all night.
Us? Oh, your ass just got jinxed.
Nice one, Bear! You owe him a coke, by the way.
Wilfred Come on.
Adorable, adorable, adorable.
What's adorable? How about this? I lie down on the floor and pretend I'm asleep.
Then I start twitching and making cute little noises, like I'm dreaming about chasing a rabbit through a field of clouds.
Cute shit, right? - Sure, whatever.
- Ah, that's not it! Better write that down, Bear.
There might be something there.
Wilfred, we've been at this all night.
Well, maybe we'd be done if you'd focus on making me look adorable instead of goofing around with your little legal brief.
All right.
What about, I don't know, sad, droopy dog eyes? What the? Are you kidding me? Lassie was doing sad, droopy dog eyes back in 1955.
That shit is hack.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, what about this? Okay, I'm sitting down doing nothing, then, suddenly, I lift my head, cock my ears and look really alert for absolutely no reason.
That's great.
Honestly, the fact that you think it's great makes me think it's not great.
What's that? Oh, really? Okay, this will be interesting.
Bear's got a pitch.
Okay, let's hear it.
Oh, that sounds pretty good, huh? Really? If it's so good, why did you interrupt Bear in the middle of his pitch? Go on, Bear.
What, what, that's it? That's the pitch? For God sakes, Wilfred, just pick something anything.
Maybe you're right.
We got to have something here.
Let me just check through these notes.
What the? Are you kidding me? What, have you been writing none of this down? - Jesus, Bear! - Wilfred, calm down! How could I calm down?! We've got nothing, Ryan! Nothing! You are a disgrace! I can't even look at you right now.
Where's your sex bag? Wilfred look.
Of course.
Bear, you are a genius.
Bag on my head, and I can't get it off.
Bag on my head, and I can't get it off! Okay, new plan.
Bear, you sit over here.
Ryan, you type.
Jeremy? Can I talk to you for a second? You got my report? Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
But before we do that, I assume you want to say good morning to your favorite Wilfred? Ladies and gentlemen, how's everybody doing this morning? It's good to be back here in the office.
Uh, how many people work here? A show of hands? Okay, uh, I'll just I'll just get straight into it, then.
Um Hey! Where did this paper bag come from? Kevin, did you eat all the jalapenos off my cheddar jalapeno bagel again? No.
Why? - Hey.
- Hi.
I'm excited about tonight.
Me, too.
So, it seems there's this bag Athletic injury in your sleep.
Excuse me, do I come into your place of business and interrupt you when you're working? Anyway, back to the bag.
I wonder what's inside.
Careful, doggy! Don't get your head stuck in a bag.
- What the hell are you doing?! - Hey, look at me.
I'm a dumb dog.
Oh, very cute, Ricky.
You bastard! Did you see that?! Slow Piscopo stole my bit right out from under me! You know what you need a good belly rub.
And I think Jeremy's available.
Hi, guys! Toilet time.
Shouldn't you be out terrifying white-water rafters with your banjo music? Hey, Ricky, could you give us a minute? But but it's toilet time.
Hi, doggy! Wilfred! Wilfred! Again, I am I am so, so sorry about this.
Go get help! Shh! It's really not that bad.
Let me out of here, Ryan! Why did he hurt my face? I love him.
I know.
I look terrible! Don't worry, pretty boy.
- You still got your quick wit.
- Listen, Ricky, it's very important that we don't tell anyone about this.
Okay? I could lose my job.
I could forget about it if you do my job.
Are you blackmailing me? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.
I'm not really sure what blackmailing means.
Do it! That dude is such a slowpoke.
I mean, talk about dumb.
The guy redefines Ah, shit! Enough, Wilfred.
I'm not in the mood.
Oh, now you put your foot down.
You could have been off experimenting with that scientist chick right now if you just stood up for yourself.
What? This all happened because of your - insatiable need for attention.
- No, Ryan.
This happened because you're a human door mat.
Either help me or get out of here.
You're doing a shit job at that shit job.
Jesus, are you good at anything? No wonder you're so starved for your father's approval.
You never did anything to earn it.
That's not true.
I did everything to earn it.
Well, maybe you didn't try hard enough.
I couldn't have tried any harder.
Then maybe you're not good enough.
Well, then, screw you! I'm a great lawyer, and I was a great son.
Look, I did everything right, and all I got in return was shit.
Well, I'm done! Say it again.
I'm done.
Ah, shit! Ah, Ryan.
Look, Jeremy, I will not be finishing that report by tomorrow.
I have a date tonight.
I'm good at my job, and I will work my ass off for you, but only if we set some limits.
- First - You got it.
I do? Yeah, whatever you want.
- Really? - Totally.
See you Monday.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
Order me a keyboard cleaner.
That was incredible.
I had no idea it'd be so easy to get what I wanted from Jeremy.
Me, neither.
I was like 99% sure you were going to get fired.
You're an inspiration, Ryan.
You hear me? In fact, I'm going to go give Jeremy a piece of my mind.
- Tail to head, my ass.
- Wilfred! Jeremy Sorry, Jeremy.
I You know, I think I'm going to take next week off.
Possible? Very, very possible.
Oh, my God.
It's the 21st century.
I can't believe you still believe that.
Let's just assume for a second that the world really is round, like you say.
The good people of America are right here on top.
And the Chinese folk are on the bottom.
Why do they not just fall off? What, you expect me to believe they have magnets in their shoes? It's not magnets.
It's gravity.
- And it's in their shoes? - Yes.