Wilfred s02e04 Episode Script


It's time, Ryan.
Time for what? We gotta get to the Baker Street dog park.
Jellybeans is throwing a party.
Jellybeans? That golden retriever you hate? Nah, Beans is my boy now! Say what you want about Beans, but dude knows how to do it up right.
There might even be a sprinkler.
Kristen's on her way over to my house.
I thought she was running a brothel in India.
It's a birthing clinic.
Right, a brothel supply company.
Same difference.
I don't know how I'm gonna face her.
How could I blackmail my own sister? You also destroyed her marriage, don't forget that.
I think about it every day.
What I did was despicable.
" You sent that long e-mail apology months ago.
Get over it.
Do you know how long dogs feel guilty? Five seconds, then we move on.
Where'd you get those glasses? You like 'em? Beans got a pair a month ago and he's been snout-deep in puss ever since.
You stole them, didn't you? Sorry, Ryan.
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm not proud of myself.
I guess I just And that's enough of that.
See? No more guilt.
Jellybeans! I'm running a bit late, dude, but I'm definitely gonna show.
Is the sprinkler still going? It's Wilfred.
Wilfred Mueller.
Come on, J-Beans, you remember me, dawg! What do you mean, no one calls you J-Beans? I call you J-Beans.
Wait, J-Beans! Dropped call.
That's her.
Sat sri akal! Hey, welcome back.
Jesus, who gets fat in India? Wow, are you? I am.
In three months, you'll be an uncle.
Whoa, whoa! Is there a baby in there? A human baby? No! She can't come in here! Wilfred! Sat sri akal to you, too, Wilfred.
Um, just make yourself comfortable, and I'll make us some tea.
Wilfred, come on.
What the hell's gotten into you? What the hell's gotten into you? How could you let that Trojan horse into this house? Trojan horse? There's a war out there, Ryan.
The war between dogs and babies.
And you brought it to our doorstep.
You're at war with babies? Over what? Why do any great civilizations go to war? To see who's cutest.
Through the millennia, under the unseeing eyes of mankind, we have done battle.
The rivers have run red with blood, and towers of mutilated corpses have cast shadows upon entrail-laden battlefields.
It was dogs versus babies, so it was still pretty cute, but So call a truce.
Just take it easy on Kristen.
Take it easy? Did those babies take it easy at the massacre on the border of The Canine Cabana and Norma's Day Care? So, Dr.
Ramos is the father? Yeah.
We realized we loved each other in India.
He flew back early and broke things off with his wife.
Sounds like things are going really well.
Blessings and peace are upon me.
Look, I don't know if you got my e-mail, but I feel really terrible about what I Ksama.
What? Ksama, Ryan.
It means "forgiveness.
" It's one of the most sacred words in the Hindu culture.
Okay, but I still Ksama.
Relax, little baby.
I'm cool.
I'm just here to talk.
Look, this war has gone on far too long.
Maybe it's time we end this madness.
I mean, how many babies' faces need to get bitten? How many dogs' ears need to be played with not gently enough? We can do something great here, you and I.
A change, a real change.
I have never felt such a sense of community What, what? Do I have a spare "dikfor"? What's a dikfor? What's a dikfor? India was life-changing.
You think you're cute? This is war.
So, how-how was India? Were you not listening to anything that I've just said? Sorry, I got distracted.
That's okay.
I have to pee.
Always have to pee.
She's still mad at me.
What are you talking about? She just ksama'd the shit out of you.
Hey, what are you doing? Looking for an ultrasound.
I need to know exactly what I'm dealing with here.
"Know your enemy.
" Sun Tzu.
Give me that.
"Emergency Protective Order.
" Wait.
This is a restraining order from Arturo Ramos? Here we go.
No Down Syndrome, no spina bifida, no lobster hands.
Jesus, this baby's gonna be goddamn adorable.
I can't believe this.
Nothing she told me about Arturo was true.
So what? That's her problem.
Her problem, my fault.
That's why she's lying to me, because I betrayed her trust and ruined her life.
I'm the worst brother ever.
Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your runt sister because she was born with no eyes? 'Cause I did that.
I need to make this up to her.
An apology is not enough.
As much as I love India, it's nice not to have a swarm of insects trailing my ass out of the bathroom.
Hey, I was gonna ask you, Arturo just got us a condo in Brentwood, and he's having the kitchen redone, but all that construction noise wouldn't be good for the baby.
So, um, could I stay with you a couple days? I mean, if it's not too much trouble.
Hell, no.
It'll give us a chance to catch up.
Ryan, what are you doing?! Great.
Well, I'll just grab my bags from the rental car.
Actually, maybe you should grab 'em.
Maybe you could also return the rental car tonight? And pick me up some kale? Sure.
I'm gonna lie down.
Mind if I use your room? What? All I did was agree to let my pregnant sister stay with me.
And do you feel better? Has your guilt been alleviated? No.
Because guilt doesn't go away until you let it go.
It just keeps piling up.
Just like the brave, dead soldiers at The Battle of Babies R Us Parking Lot.
You're just mad because that baby's gonna take attention away from you.
Oh, I don't think that's gonna be a problem, Ryan.
I know how to deal with a baby.
This watermelon's delicious, by the way.
I was just reading this study about this girl who had her dead, parasitic twin's face embedded in her back.
You should've seen the picture.
Seriously, it looked like it was smiling.
Here, have a bite of this squid taco.
Funny, I'm not hungry anymore.
You've never dated a scientist before, have you? Nope.
And if we're gonna continue seeing each other, you need to promise to never mention back-faces again.
No deal.
Come on.
I really want to kiss you, but I don't wanna be the only one with squid breath.
On three, ready? One, two, three.
Oh! You didn't eat it.
I have a meeting.
But at least now I know you're not gonna be kissing anyone else.
Oh, yeah, perfect.
It's my sister.
MythBusters marathon this weekend? Confirmed.
Hey, Kristen.
You bought the wrong kale.
There's a wrong kale? The curly leaf is the one with all the B vitamins, but it's fine one day without it won't curve the baby's spine.
What are you doing, Wilfred?! Wilfred's with you? Yeah, he's been underfoot all day.
I almost tripped over him at the top of the stairs.
Put him on! Put him on? Out.
Put him outside.
One, two, vacuum's coming for you Three, four, your mom is an unwed whore I'm coming home.
Oh, my God, Kristen, are you okay? I was chanting! What the hell is wrong with you? I thought something was wrong with the baby.
Ryan, getting upset at this point in my pregnancy is dangerous for me.
Ksama! You know what? I'm gonna go take a bath.
Where do you keep your razor? Never mind.
I'll find it.
Hello, Ryan.
Slow day at the office? Wilfred, you have to stop this! I don't know what you're talking about, mate.
Last night you switched her prenatal vitamins for morning-after pills.
And then you What are you doing? That ol' black magic voodoo.
It works, Ryan.
Watch this.
You like that? Yeah, I do like that.
Oh, you feel so good.
Teeth, Wilfred, teeth! Oh! Oh! I'm gonna! What the hell, dude?! Ah! Just stop! I will never stop! There's nothing you can do to keep me from that baby.
She's the one who should be behind bars! The way she's working your guilt is criminal! If you keep this up, you'll be an outside dog.
I'm sorry about all the hairs in the bathtub.
I didn't even get to my legs.
That-that's okay.
I'll just, uh Clean the bathtub? Thank you.
It's just, it's really tough for me to bend down so low, what with the beautiful soul that's growing inside of me.
So, what's this new company you're working for? It's a biotech start-up.
We're working on a cure for lung cancer.
Western medicine.
Wasn't your clinic funded by Kanner/McKay? I took their money, not their drugs.
I'm not gonna pollute my body temple with the poison of Big Pharma.
Well, a lot of those "poisons" save lives.
I suppose you're an expert now that you're dating a scientist.
We'll see how long that lasts.
What does that mean? Nothing.
It's just that, I mean, let's be honest, a lawyer and a chemist? There's just not a lot of overlap there.
Amanda and I are actually doing great.
Sure you are.
But look at Arturo and me.
We're both healers, so our relationship is based on a true love and understanding for one another.
We'll have you over for dinner sometime.
You can see what that looks like.
In your new condo? Mm-hmm.
Steady steady Uh, let me get you some more juice.
What?! How did you scale that giant wall? That's impossible! Are you secretly some sort of magical, otherworldly entity? 'Cause I'd tell you if I was.
That's it, Wilfred.
You're going outside.
Stress is dangerous for the baby.
Is it now? Take your hands off me, Ryan! Or maybe I should take out a restraining order from my pocket, to use as a bargaining chip to trade for my baby-gettin' stick.
We need to put that back before Before what? Before it stresses Kristen out? Ryan? Whoops.
Is that? Did you go through my things? Uh, no, I'm just No, you're just curious about every embarrassing detail of my life.
Well, let me just fill you in.
The last time I saw Arturo was two weeks ago at the airport in Jaipur.
He was leaving early to break things off with Liz.
And then I never heard from him.
Instead of meeting me at LAX, he sent a process server with a restraining order.
All this time I thought he loved me, but you know why he wanted me to go to India? 'Cause he thinks I'm a good doctor! I'm so sorry.
Oh, are you?! I thought you'd be happy to learn another humiliating secret to blackmail me with! Are you, are you okay? No, I don't know.
Just call 911.
Yes! The Battle for Kristen's Bulge has been won! It looks like I shall have to hang from my belt.
Wilfred, listen to yourself.
We're talking about an innocent human life.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
What have I done? If anything happens to that baby, I'll never forgive myself.
Okay, so I have blue for a boy or pink for a girl.
Uh, hi.
Yes, my sister may be going through The baby's okay, but she should stay on bed rest for the next few days.
It was just Braxton Hicks! Go to medical school! Have fun with that.
Why, God? Why?! What kind of God lets a baby live?! Dr.
I got your message.
How's the baby? Fine.
Kristen's in the bedroom.
You caused this! You almost ruined her life, and you don't even care.
What kind of animal are you? You're right.
It's my fault.
My-my wife made me take out that restraining order.
I didn't want to, but I was scared.
You have to believe me.
I want to be with your sister.
EN: Arturo, is that you?! Mi amor! Great, now the father's here.
How many innocent babies need to survive before we put an end to this senseless nurturing?! It's bad enough I have to sleep on the couch in my own house.
They've been at it all night.
So kick 'em out.
I can't do that.
God, I'm such an idiot for not duct-taping a pizza cutter to the end of Arturo's penis.
Will you stop? Haven't you done enough damage? Fine.
I give up.
What's that? Baby food.
Might as well get used to it.
This is what it's gonna be like three months from now.
Wilfred The war's over.
I've lost.
Look, have you ever even known a baby? I think you might be surprised at how much dogs and babies have in common.
It's true.
You both like to drool.
You both need someone else to clean up your shit.
You both like naps.
We both like chewing on things.
Right? We both have vocabularies that are I mean, in a way, it's like you're actually fighting yourselves.
Maybe it's time to call an end to hostilities and actually get to know each other.
Otherwise, all this tension when's it gonna end? I could ask you the same question, Ryan.
When is it gonna end? She'll find a place soon.
The guilt, mate.
How long are you gonna hold onto it? Until she forgives me.
And what if she never does? You know, at some point, you may just have to do the forgiving for her.
Wilfred, you know, you still have some? Yeah, I do.
Sweetie, I gotta go.
Uh, Ryan, thanks for, uh, everything.
Kristen said you don't mind us using your house as our little, uh, palacio del amor.
I really appreciate that.
Um, yeah.
See you tomorrow night? What about tonight? Uh, Liz and I have symphony tickets.
They're they're paid for.
Have a nice time.
Ryan, on your way home from work, I need you to pick up a soft bristle toothbrush for Arturo.
His gums are really sensitive.
Listen, I don't know how comfortable I am with you guys using my home as your palacio del amor.
Well, that's interesting.
Because under the circumstances, I didn't think I was asking all that much.
Kristen, I know you're mad at me, and I've been trying to make it up to you, but I don't know how much longer this can go on.
Do you think that I wanted to come here after the way you stabbed me in the back? I have nowhere else to go, Ryan.
I'm a mistress me! My marriage is dead, and I'm gonna be a single mother raising a child whose father already has another family, and it is all your fault! Kristen No, it is! It has to be all your fault, because if it's not, then then Oh, shit.
I'm the one who cheated on Leo.
And I followed a total asshole to India.
So, so I did this.
I'm a really terrible person.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Feeling guilty isn't going to help.
I know Arturo's a jerk, but I don't want to be alone.
You won't be.
You're a good brother, Ryan.
How about I make us some tea? Oh, that'd be nice.
Hey, Wilfred.
Look, I've been thinking it over.
Maybe after you're born, we could get to know one another.
Maybe you could even fall asleep on me one day.
Or I could eat some food out of your mouth while you're yawning.
Anyway, these are just ideas, but the gist is, I wanna be friends.
You want me to be in your club? I'd love to be! The Pen 15 Club? Hang on a minute.
Just let me write that down so I don't forget itt.
So, it's just the word "pen" and the number "15" with no spaces in between? Cool name, huh? Really? Are we really gonna have this debate right now? 'Cause we all know life doesn't begin until the fetus is ten years old.
You have no morals.
Of course, I do.
You kill an 11-year-old, you're going straight to hell.
What? What are you smiling at? Who's smiling, dude? It is hot in here! Oh.
Do you want me to turn the air-conditioning on? Yes!