Wilfred s02e05 Episode Script


What did you do? What did I do? You ruined my shoe.
And you just put a footprint on the Mona Lisa.
Did you see the swirl on that masterpiece, the form, the texture, the taper of the pinch point? Why do I bother? You don't know shit.
I'm the one who should be mad.
I have a lot of work to do, and taking time away from my desk for these little walks isn't helping.
Oh, you call this a walk? You haven't even asked me about my day or how much I'm missing Jenna or what I'm gonna do with my life now I've finay pulled the squeaker out of that sheepskin chew toy.
I'm checking interest rates.
It's been a while since I've had money to invest, and I want to be smart about it.
Yeah, while you're planning for the future, you're completely missing out on the present.
That's why you've been stepping in shit your whole life.
Things are different now.
I have a job, a girlfriend.
And yet you still spend all your time worrying - about what you don't have.
- Look, it's easy not to worry when you don't have any real problems.
Dogs don't have to think about money or crime or social injustice.
We don't think about those things because our noses keep us in the present.
We stop and smell the roses, every goddamn one of them.
Open your nostrils and smell around you, Ryan.
Dirty diapers, sour milk puddles, used tranny ass-condoms.
Dude, we are so lucky we live in L.
We really do have it all.
Have I still got ants in my teeth? Who are you talking to? You know me, Warner, I'm always interested in any investment opportunity you bring my way.
Yeah, okay, sounds good.
All right, I'll see you then.
Hey, Ryan.
Hey, Wilfred.
Hey, Kevin.
Sounded like something pretty big went down in there.
Sorry about that.
I went to a new Colombian restaurant last night.
Ooh, Colombian.
I meant on the phone.
Oh, right, duh.
My investment guy is working on a huge real estate deal.
I'm about to get pizzaid.
Ugh, it's my kid.
I'll see him in the morning.
Whoo, this smells like shit in here! Hey, you got some money laying around? I could hook you up with my guy.
Really, you'd do that for me? I got you this job, didn't I? I'll hook you up with an interview.
You don't have to do that for me.
If you vouch for him, I'm sure he's fine.
No, no, no, you don't interview Warner.
Warner interviews you.
He's very picky about the people he does business with, but trust me, if you get in with him You're gonna be living large.
Give me five.
Oh, ten coming back.
I think I just doubled your investment.
What, what, what? So what was that all about? You thinking about investing our money? I thought we were talking about getting me my own place.
First of all, it's not our money, and if, by "your place," you mean the doghouse in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, that's $9,000.
It's real estate, Ryan.
All that matters is location, location, location.
I'm thinking Jenna's backyard.
I mean, the schools are kind of shitty, but I'm not planning on having kids anytime soon.
It's like when I'm stalking a squirrel, all right? I'm totally in the moment.
I'm not thinking about how this squirrel is named Craig and how he's a pretty good guy and he just came out to his family and how happy he is with nuts in his mouth.
Honestly, I didn't even mean it like that.
Kevin's investment guy wants to meet for lunch.
You're doing it again, Ryan.
You're not living in the now.
So what? Why do you suddenly care so much? I'm just trying to get you to savor what little time you have left.
What are you talking about? Look, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.
Find out what? This isn't an easy thing to tell you.
Ryan, you're dying.
It's true.
Not long after we met, you were asleep and I was carefully placing my hair in the water glass on your bedside table like I always do.
Well, I smelled something.
It's a tumor.
In-in your brain.
- Dogs can't smell tu - We can.
You're lying.
Ryan, do you know what the symptoms of a brain tumor are? Anxiety, blackouts.
Any of that sound familiar? But if that's true that means that everything Jesus, Wilfred.
What are you doing? I can't bear to see you suffer, mate.
I promised myself I'd do the same thing you'd do for me.
What any friend would do.
I'm I'm putting you down.
No, this is one of your little head games.
That-that gun's not shit! No, no.
No, no, don't don't do this.
I'm begging you.
See you on the rainbow bridge, Ryan.
Oh, please, please, God, no! Gotcha.
"Gotcha"? "Gotcha"? Can't risk the window thing leading back to me.
Already got a couple of priors.
What the hell is going on? Ryan, did you feel that? Exhilarating! That's living in the moment! Wouldn't you like to feel that way all the time? You're an asshole.
Give me your wallet, bitch.
Oh, I get it.
This is this is part of your little lesson, too? Hey, who's he talking to? Ryan, I swear, I don't know them.
Shut this dog up or I will.
Come on.
This is all your fault.
How come, every time I follow you somewhere, - I lose my wallet? - Stop yelling at me! I just had a gun jammed in my face, you insensitive prick! Have you any idea how terrifying that is? Oh, I am so done with you.
Ryan, Ryan, something's wrong.
I can't I can't smell anything.
Maybe I'm just Maybe I just need something stronger.
Can you smell them? Jesus, what the hell?? Nothing.
No infection.
No obstruction.
So he's faking it.
You mean, is it mental? Well, dogs can lose their sense of smell from stress.
Has, uh, Wilfred been in any stressful situation recently? Oh, you mean like getting nostril-raped by a Glock 17? Not that I can think of.
Listen, keep a close eye on him.
Dogs really rely on their sense of smell.
Without it, he can get confused or maybe even lost.
I can't believe this is happening.
I mean, I've heard of trauma causing blindness, like when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles walked in on each other masturbating.
Well, it serves you right for that stunt you pulled.
Ryan, you don't understand.
Now that I can't smell, it's like my brain has nothing to do.
It's like time has slowed to a crawl and my head is full of these things.
They're-they're like voices, constantly questioning and analyzing.
Those are thoughts, Wilfred.
Thoughts? You know what you need? An activity to keep your mind busy.
Read a book or something.
A book? Yeah, right.
Maybe if it had pictures.
That moved.
And sound.
And Matt Damon in it.
And in the middle of the movie, Matt Damon would be like Now, there's a book I'd like to read.
O kay.
Where were we? I was just saying, uh, how Ryan here is the top dog of our legal department.
Well, it's-it's easy to be top dog when you're the only one in the department.
Wait, that's not the same UPS guy that comes to my house.
Wait, so so there's more than one UPS guy.
Of course! It's all so clear to me now.
The uniform changes guys.
O kay.
Where were we? I was just saying that I'm not only the top dog, but I'm also the bottom dog.
Don't be modest.
It's a weak trait.
Oh, I just meant I'm the only one in the department.
So, when Jenna leaves the house and I can't see her anymore, she doesn't cease to exist.
She's just somewhere else? No, no, no, no, that's just crazy.
O kay.
Well, it was nice meeting you, Kevin's friend.
Uh, uh, Warner, um Don't know if you know this or not, but Ryan here is Hank Newman's son.
Oh, is that so? That's true, but I don't want to ride on my father's coattails.
Don't apologize for nepotism.
So, Hank's son, here's the deal A half a million square feet of luxury commercial space downtown.
Right now, it's just abandoned buildings and unused land.
But when it's done, it will be the place to buy $16 Sixteen Uh-uh, shh.
So, look over this prospectus.
I'll let you know if I'm interested.
Ryan, I'm starving.
This thinking is a lot of work.
Can we please stop somewhere on the way home? There's seriously There's nothing to eat around here.
Guess what.
Warner just called.
He wants to meet me at the development site.
Kevin says, if this goes well, I should Did you just read that whole book? I read all of these books.
What's wrong? What's wrong? Where should I start? Uh, why is there so much injustice in the world? Why do some have so much while so many have so little? Why are children in Compton getting fatter and fatter whilst children in Beverly Hills are starving themselves to death? Why, Ryan? Why? Uh Jesus, put down the bong and pick up a book.
"Critique of Pure Reason" by Immanuel Kant.
Ever heard of this Kant? I love Kant.
Oh, existential German philosophy is funny to you.
Wipe that smirk off your face and listen to this Kant.
"It is not the consequences of the action "which make it right or wrong, but the motivation of the individual performing the act.
" What do you suppose that means? I don't know.
Uh, you should never knowingly do bad to others.
And would that be an ethos with which you find not incompatible with your own beliefs? I'm-I'm not sure what you're asking.
Because the most enlightening thing I read today was this prospectus.
That new mall you're so determined to invest in? It will mean the destruction of an important public works program.
What's the big deal? This place is a dump.
This park keeps inner-city dogs off the streets.
They rely on this park for the programs and services it offers, - like free water from the OWBP.
- The what? The open water bowl project.
Most of these dogs come from broken homes with broken fences.
If you're party to the destruction of this park, then you're no better than them.
We'll talk about this later.
Open your eyes, Ryan! Together, we can make a difference.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Hey, Ryan.
Don't ever apologize for being late.
It makes you sound poor, all right? It's my kid.
Doesn't he have any friends? Hear our bark! Save this park! Hear our bark! Save this park! Excuse me for one second.
Hear our bark! Save this park! Hear our bark! Save this park! Oh, hi, Ryan.
How did you get the car doors unlocked? I read the manual.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have 30 seconds to help save the world? Have a nice day.
Hope your children enjoy the wasteland you're leaving them.
Wilfred, get back in the car before you blow this deal for me.
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't ignore what's right in front of me.
Hear our bark! Save this park! Hear our bark! Save this park! Everything okay, Ryan? Here they are, the one-percent here to profit off the k-99%! Let's get 'em, boys! Sorry, my dog got out of the car.
You hear that? I will not be contained, corporate pigs! All right, brass tacks.
Minimum buy-in's $10,000.
So, does that mean? Yeah.
You're in! I need an answer now.
- We're signing the deal tomorrow.
- Here's your answer.
Whoa! Hey, hey, Ryan, your dog! - Wilfred! - In my mouth.
What the hell are you thinking? What are you thinking? You're putting these dogs out on the street.
Look, I know you're looking for something to do now that you've lost your sense of smell What I've lost in my sense of smell, I've gained in my sense of humanity.
And now I'm appealing to yours.
I'm trying to do the right thing here, but I can't do it alone.
Wilfred, I'm trying to be responsible and plan for my future.
To hell with the future! I need you right now! Ryan, I really care about this.
I need you to care, too.
The only thing I'm signing is that investment agreement tomorrow.
Ryan Ryan! Ryan.
What are you doing down here in the dark? There's darkness everywhere, Ryan.
You just can't see it because the sun is such an attention whore.
Jesus! What is the matter with you? Are you still mad because I didn't sign your little petition? - Get over it.
- Why would I be mad? Uncaring, unfeeling.
Seven billion narcissists all alone together on a big, dead rock.
What's the point of anything? Life reeks of hopelessness.
I'm just glad I can't smell it anymore.
Camus, Sylvia Plath, Marley and Me.
Maybe you should stop reading.
Do you know what I dreamt last night? Nothing.
I have to meet Warner in an hour.
Have you seen my checkbook? I can't find it anywhere.
So nice to see you so concerned about something.
Look, when we get back, maybe we can go for a walk.
A walk.
Such a futile exercise.
Let's go for hang on.
Let's go for a walk around the block.
Around and around and around in circles on a meaningless journey to - Are you done? - Yes.
Let's go.
I don't want to be late.
I'm not going anywhere.
Then don't come.
So you're just gonna leave me alone? Remember what the doctor said? I don't think you'll get lost in the basement.
I'm already lost, Ryan.
Man, I love jalapenos.
I swear, these things are gonna be my downfall.
What's up with you and Amanda? You guys a thing? Yeah.
I mean, we're dating.
She looks hot in that lab coat.
Bet she likes to shoop! When do you think Warner will get here - with the papers? - I'd get comfortable.
Warner's gonna join us whenever he feels like it.
That's one of the things about being rich.
You get to treat everybody else like shit.
I can't wait.
Oh, no, no! My God! My kid just got a piercing.
Look at that.
What is that, his chin? It's his scrotum.
- Oh! - God.
He did it to himself.
Butchered it, too.
He's on the way to the hospital.
What do you want me to tell Warner? What do you mean? Don't you have to get to the hospital? Yeah, right.
And then Warner finds out that I left? Game over.
So I didn't go to your little rock opera that you wrote for school.
Get over it! K.
, what have you done to your beautiful little scrotum? Excuse me.
Can you give me a minute? This is Wilfred.
Please leave a whatever.
If this is Ryan, good-bye.
And if this is Bear, I'll see you in hell! Tell Warner I'm sorry.
What? Where are you going? Hey, you're not going to get a second chance at this, Ryan.
I can't think about the future right now.
Ryan! Wilfred? Wilfred! You're okay.
Hello, Ryan.
What the hell was that voice mail greileting? I miss smelling things, Ryan.
I'm tired of thinking.
I'm like a lost puppy wandering through the wilderness, desperately trying to find my way home.
And then I realize I have no home.
Wilfred, you have a home.
Is this about that doghouse? That's why you made me blow that deal so I'd get you that $9,000 doghouse? It's not about the doghouse.
I was trying to buy myself a little peace of mind.
Well, guess what.
Your little plan's not gonna work.
And you can drop the whole emo act.
You look ridiculous.
And why are you wearing that leash? You hate leash No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No-no-no-no-no-no! No, no! Not again! I can't lose you again! I'm sorry! I wasn't paying attention.
I lost track of what's really important, what's right in front of me.
Right here, right now! Wilfred, you're alive.
Guess I am.
By the way, your breath smells disgusting.
Come to papa.
Hey, you got your smell back.
I do.
Wilfred, you're my best friend.
If you want your own doghouse, we'll get you one.
I just can't spend $9,000.
I understand.
I love you, Wilfred.
Stingy prick.
What? I said I love you, too.
You know, all this time you've been neglecting me, I guess I've kind of been neglecting Bear.
I'm just gonna go see how Bear's doing.
Oh, God! Bear! Oh, Bear, I'm sorry! I lost sight of what's really important, what's right in front of me! Right here, right now! Oh, Bear!