Wilfred s02e07 Episode Script

Avoidance

So how are things going with Amanda? Great.
Oh! She left for San Diego this morning.
Well, at least she doesn't have a dog you have to watch.
How about you? Have you spoken to Dr.
Ramos? Are you kidding me? No, I'm done with Arturo.
"I can't leave my family.
My kids need me.
" Please.
That's bullshit.
They're, like, nine years old.
It's his loss.
You look radiant.
People say "radiant" what they mean is "fat.
" I mean, look at this tub of "radiance" checking me out.
Where does he get off? Like we're on the same team.
You gonna finish these fries? Newman? Hey! Oh, my God! James! How are you? I'm, uh I'm-I'm I'm hey.
Wow Girl, it's been awhile.
- Mm-hmm.
- You look You look radiant.
Well, figures I'd run into you here.
Best coffee in town.
Oh! Coffee! You remember Bean Man? You know, dude from first year contracts class? Stomp on that banana! I don't get it.
That's an inside joke.
So funny, though.
Wow, man, it's really been too long.
You know, I thought that I would see you at your dad's banquet, but You know, I mean, I understand.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was busy out of town.
Anyway, it was great to see you Hey, man, listen I'm going to the Saloon tonight.
Maybe you should come down.
Have a drink.
Might give us a chance to catch up.
- It sounds like fun.
- See? Yeah.
- Maybe I'll stop by.
- Awesome.
Or should I say Fresca! I bet that's funny.
Yeah.
All right, man, I hope to see you there.
Bye.
He's so cute.
You know, he always had a massive crush on me.
You think he likes kids? I don't know and I don't care.
I don't want anything to do with that guy.
What?! I mean, I know it's been a while since you guys have talked, but you were, like, best friends.
What happened? Ryan! Look! I'm a dog! I'm a dog! So, who was that brig-white-teeth guy? His name is James.
We went to law school together.
And? We both worked for my dad, and we hated it.
We decided to leave and start our own boutique law firm together.
Boutique? So you'd represent jewelry and effeminate trinkets and such? It was gonna be a place where the disenfranchised could get help and where ethics actually mattered.
We decided to quit on the same day, but at the last minute, James took a promotion and stayed with my dad instead.
What a dick! What did he have to say for himself? I never took his calls.
What's he gonna say, "Yeah, I know you thought I was your best friend, but I stabbed you in the back"? So you're just gonna avoid him for the rest of your life? You should at least hear his side of the story.
I already know his side of the story.
Well, maybe you got it wrong.
The only way to know for sure is to talk to him.
I mean, this guy was your best friend.
Why are you shutting him out? I'd never do that to my best friend Dennis.
Who? Dennis.
My best friend.
I thought I was your best friend.
- You are my good friend.
- Best friend! Yep yep After Dennis and Steve and then Bear, definitely! And Blue Bunny, who I tore to pieces in '07.
But I like to think he's still with me.
And of course, Jenna is family.
I can't believe this! I mean, you're my best friend! You're putting me in an awkward position, Ryan.
Oh! I just love doggy dancing! What did you think? Yeah! Churro! Churro! Churro! Oh! I have to give Wilfred his churro.
It's his special treat.
I give him one after the first dance lesson and now he's, like, conditioned to expect Wilfred! Remember, there's a just-for-fun dance recital this Sunday.
Everyone will get a chance to show off their dance moves.
Aw, shoot! Drew and I are gonna be in Wisconsin this weekend.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah, it's not like Wilfred's gonna know the difference.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! This isn't happening! Ryan, you have to dance with me on Sunday.
Yeah, right.
Oh, please, Ryan.
If I miss this, I'll die.
I'll just die.
Why don't you ask your best friend Dennis? Ryan, I have a confession to make.
Dennis will be out of town this weekend also.
I I-I can't do this.
Come on, give us a chance.
Let's mix it up a bit.
Are you changing the music? - But Jenna said - "But Jenna said.
" Do you always do what you're told? Come on.
Wilfred, this is ridiculous.
You just gotta relax.
Move your hips.
Oh, man, you're so tense.
I've got an idea.
Ryan I want you to tell me about the first time you made love.
I'm not gonna do that.
Please, just It was with my first girlfriend, back in high school.
We started out as study partners.
Then one night, in her room, one thing led to another.
We were both so nervous.
And then, all of a sudden, her dad came stomping down the hallway.
I've never gotten dressed so fast in my life.
We could barely stop giggling.
I love it.
My first experience was almost identical.
Except, instead of being my study partner, my girl had just been hit by a car.
She was still alive, but motionless.
Defenseless.
I was so nervous.
I snuck up behind her so she couldn't bite me when I rammed it in.
Then a few quick pumps and her owner came stomping down the road.
I could barely stop giggling also.
Ryan I want you to remember how you felt on that magical night the joy, the passion.
Are you feeling it? I guess so.
Good.
Hold on to that.
That's it, Ryan.
You're a natural.
Bah-bah Hear the beat? See? Oh, oh, oh, really? Really? Ryan, don't! Are you okay? I pulled something in my groin.
I'm such an idiot for not warming down.
Lie back.
Just breathe into it.
Is this the spot? Uh, a bit lower.
Yeah, it's tight as all hell.
How does that feel? Yeah.
Does that feel good? Yes.
Wilfred, why are you making that face? Oh oh that was nice.
So, should we run through the Pasodoble again? No offense, but your Flamenco taps could be crisper.
Ryan, what's wrong? Are you okay? Hi, James.
- Still coming? - What?! - To the Saloon? - Mate, if there's something's wrong, we should talk about it.
I, uh Otherwise, it's just gonna get worse.
Newman, are you there? Yeah, yeah.
I'm definitely leaving right now.
Ryan, where are you going? Wait.
Is this is this because I jizz-blasted you? Unbelievable! Thanks for the beer.
Wait.
Did you just say, "Thanks for the beer"? I know where you're going with this.
"Glug, glug, glug, glug Break a duck's neck!" You remember that? Yeah.
Oh, my God, that poor duck.
There wasn't actually a duck.
Right? Well, pregnant lady's gotta pee again.
Fresca! So, your sister, what's her name again? - Kristen.
- That is so weird.
'Cause I called her "Kathy" earlier, and she just laughed, you know? So Did you ever get any of my messages? Maybe.
I don't remember.
Hey, are you hungry? I'm hungry.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
I just thought that maybe we should, you know, - talk about what happened.
- Water under the bridge.
Yeah, but I was just We're good.
All right.
Cool.
Excuse me.
Hey-ey, what a coincidence! What are you doing here? I'm meeting Dennis for a drink next door.
Unless you feel like dancing.
We still have a lot of work to do before the recital.
I'm kinda busy right now.
Go home, Wilfred.
Those teeth in there, are they James'? He has less hair than I remember.
He has hair.
Not as much as me.
He's human.
So, you planning on dancing together? Is he a better dancer than me? You gonna give him a little treat afterwards? Christ, will you just stop?! Go away! I don't want to dance with you anymore, okay? Go dance with your best friend Dennis.
I can't dance with Dennis.
Why, because Dennis doesn't exist? No.
Because Dennis is severely disabled.
He can barely feed himself, let alone dance.
Oh, but you were gonna go and have a drink with him? Drinking is all he has, Ryan.
Look, you're obviously upset.
Why don't we? I can cancel with Dennis and we can just go back to your place, put on a little bit of Sade I said go home! Can I see your ID? Dude Wilfred? Wilfred, are you down here? Have a nice night, Ryan? You scared me.
Your shoes look pretty worn.
Wonder what that's all about.
You shouldn't be down here.
Jenna will be looking for you.
Jenna's asleep.
She won't hear a thing.
I'm going upstairs.
What are you doing?! I'm dancing! And after we dance, I get my treat! That's how it works! Wilfred, no! Give me my goddamn treat! Wilfred, please, just go home! Open this door, Ryan! Open the door! I miss you, too, but Comic-Con sounds like a blast.
Maybe I'll go with you next year.
No, I'd dress up! I could totally pass as Harry Potter.
Hey, Amanda, I'll call you back.
What do you want? I brought you your slipper.
Where's my other one? Yeah, you don't want the other one.
Look, I'm sorry about last night.
I obviously got a little carried away.
I know what you're gonna say, so you don't need to say it.
- I just think - Drop it.
I just want to put all this behind us, go back to the way things were.
Me, too.
Friends? Wilfred, get off me! No! I want my treat! I can't take this anymore! Goddamn it, Wilfred! I will not let you ejaculate all over me again! Hi, Sara.
Dude! What are you talking about? You said you wanted a treat.
Is that what all this is about? All the stalking and rapey dancing? - Yeah, because I wanted my treat! - Exactly! A handjob! Handjob?! I wanted a churro! Why do you think I've been trying to dance with you? Churros only happen after you dance.
That's the first thing you learn in conservatory! What was all this about? You know, a churro.
They smother those things in sugar.
You've gotta shake some of that stuff off before you eat it.
Empty calories.
Wait.
That's what's been bothering you this whole time? You thought I wanted you to rip the neck off it? Well, yeah.
This is what I'm talking about, Ryan.
You closed the door on me.
If you'd just talked to me, all of this could have been avoided.
So you didn't actually enjoy that? Yeah, it was nice.
But it had nothing to do with you personally.
I ejaculate on everything.
I ejaculate on that on this.
I ejaculated in there.
I jizzed in this, in this, in this, in this, in this in this.
I jizzed over all of this.
This was just an empty jar I found in the recycle bin.
Look, I had every intention of quitting.
I mean, I was nervous as hell, but I was prepared.
But when I got in there and I was face-to-face I froze.
I mean, you've seen your dad.
He's scary as shit.
I was a year out of law school.
I had hundred grand in student loans.
He offered me a choice: a fast track to partnership or be blacklisted by every judge in the state.
He said that? - My career would've been over.
- I had no idea.
'Cause you didn't call me back.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I missed you, man.
I've missed you, too.
You know what the weird thing is? I don't think it's ever been about me with your dad.
I just think he didn't want to lose you.
I mean, ever since you left, you're all he talks about.
It's like he's obsessed.
I mean, you know he wants you back at the firm.
Yeah, well, that's never gonna happen.
Mm-hmm.
As your friend, be careful.
He will do whatever it takes to get you back.
He's like He's like Darth Vader.
I guess that makes you Lando Calrissian.
'Cause you double-crossed me.
Oh, yeah.
And I'm smooth, too.
Ryan, look, I'm a man! I'm a man! Shit, you know what today is? The dance recital.
We missed it.
Why didn't you say anything? Well, I just figured that after all that happened, you wouldn't be interested.
- So? - What? Come on, man! Oh.
Thanks, Ryan.
You want some? Yeah, sure.
Wilfred!