Wilfred s02e08 Episode Script


_ _ What's your biggest secret? What? I, uh Wow.
Good morning.
It's okay, Ryan.
I thought we were there.
Forget I asked.
No, no, no, it-it's just C-Can we just start with our second biggest secret? Sure.
Uh, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
- I love you.
- I don't have any clean underwear.
Wait, what? - Nothing.
You were saying? - You love me? I'm kidding.
I'm not kidding.
I'm sorry.
That's so not a second biggest secret, Ryan.
Yeah, a second biggest secret is, like, I'm afraid of spiders - or I accidentally beat off to a tranny.
- Can we can we just talk about your underwear again? Please? Ryan, do you have any more rice? How much do you need? Also, I'm going to need five bushels of wheat, some sunblock, a hazmat suit and a crossbow.
No problem.
Oh, wait, I'm out of sunblock.
We'll make our own with titanium dioxide and shredded beeswax.
Okay, why are you? Because the world is ending, Ryan.
Dogs have an intuition for these things.
Why do you think no dogs died in the Holocaust? Because we knew it was coming.
I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread.
Something terrible is going to happen.
It already did.
I think I screwed up my relationship with Amanda.
And just like that, we're talking about him again.
I told her I loved her.
I-I I just got caught up in the moment.
So tell her you didn't mean it.
But it's the truth.
She makes me feel normal.
Oh, and I don't? You're looting my kitchen, dressed like one of the Wolverines, so Do you not hear me, man?! Doomsday is upon us.
A massive apocalyptic nightmare so unimaginable, grown men will weep like children, and the children that they weep like will eat other children.
Oceans will boil over, and fiery death will rain from the skies, and the ground will shake until the earth itself will be cleaved into two! Yeah, that wasn't it.
- Look - I just think that Look, I'm sorry I ambushed you.
Yeah, you know, if you're going to get all relationshippy on me, - maybe wait for me to have my first shot of espresso? - I know.
- I know.
It was wrong.
- Because, Ryan, I was - I just don't want it to be awkward - No, I-I-I love you, too.
You do? Kind of, yeah.
You make me really happy, Ryan.
You asked her to move in with you? Are you high? Because you need to be.
That stays in the basement.
From now on, we need to be more careful about what we leave lying around.
Amanda's packing tonight, and I'm helping her move in the morning.
Tomorrow morning? - Are you sure you're ready for this? - I-I know we haven't been together that long, but it just feels right.
That's not what I mean, Ryan.
I'm saying, maybe you're not ready for this.
Know what? I don't care what you think.
Do you care about her? She loves me.
She doesn't even know you.
She only knows the you you want her to know.
What about the parts of you she doesn't know, the parts you're hiding down here in this basement? The black files you used to manipulate your father's enemies.
The pills you tried to off yourself with.
The leather sex hood you wore to Oh, shit, this is mine.
I was looking for this.
Those things aren't me, not anymore.
These things will always be you.
They're your secrets.
You think you can keep them from Amanda by hiding them down here in the basement? Yeah, I do.
You're asking her to be part of your life.
You're sharing your house with her.
Sooner or later, she's going to need to see all of it.
Think of the hours we spend down here, mate.
How will you explain where you've been? Well, maybe I just need to stop spending so much time with you.
Look, Wilfred, I love Amanda.
I think she's really good for me.
Yeah, I-I still have some issues, but who doesn't? I'm sure she does, too.
You got something to say, Wilfred? No.
It's just, there's a lot about her you don't know.
Like what? Well, she talks too much, for one.
She's always yammering on and on about God knows what.
And What? Just say it.
She kissed me, man.
It's true.
You've seen how she pets me.
I always figured it was innocent, and, you know me, I'm a dog, I like that shit.
Unbelievable-- you're just jealous.
- Jealous? - Well, the more time I spend with Amanda, the less time I spend with you.
Well, maybe that's a good thing.
What the hell does that mean? It means you can be a really shitty friend.
You say you have my best interests at heart, but have you ever once told me the truth about anything? More than once.
Ryan, you have to believe me, this is not going to end well.
You're so full of shit.
I'm telling you, I can feel it in my bones-- the ones I chew on and the ones inside of me.
There's a disaster headed our way.
Give it up, Wilfred.
Amanda and I are moving in together, and that's Holy shit! Ryan! Ryan! Welcome back, Ryan.
Get this off me.
Yeah, and how do I do that? Seriously? Go get help! Of course, I'll just run upstairs and tell the first guy I see that little Timmy's fallen down the well.
No, quake must have knocked out the power.
I can't see shit.
You were right, Wilfred.
You said something bad would happen, and it did.
Unfortunately, that still wasn't it.
Something else is coming something worse.
I'm glad Jenna's out of town.
I hope Amanda's okay.
If you really cared about her, you'd be honest with her.
You're in no condition to take this relationship to the next step.
Enough! Help! Help me! Ryan, you're buried under a box of secrets with a talking dog in a basement that may not even exist.
Do you really think anyone can possibly hear your cries for help? Hello? Everyone okay down there? Yes! Help! Where are you? I-I'm pinned down! Shit, howdy, what a mess.
Let me get Thanks.
Don't mention it, Ryan.
Do I know you? All too well.
Hey, buddy.
Didn't think you'd come.
I gave you my word, Wilfred.
That's why I didn't think you would.
Wait, you asked him to come? I needed some dirty work done.
There's no one dirtier than Bruce.
You flatter me.
Ryan, Wilfred asked me to get proof that you shouldn't move in with Amanda, and mission accomplished.
What's in the suitcase? The truth.
You think you can just dig up some dirt on Amanda and it's going to make me love her any less? I wouldn't believe it anyway.
No, you would not.
It wouldn't hurt to take a look, though, would it? What are you afraid of? It's going to cost you.
Goddamn it, Bruce.
But it won't be that much.
Just your eternal soul.
All right, I'll do it for a night out at Carl's Grub Shack.
Carl's closed down two years ago, and you know it.
Well, then, I guess I'll be on my way.
How about a game? That's intriguing.
A game, like last time? No way.
My life is not a game to be played for your amusement.
Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree about that.
You need to see what's in the suitcase, Ryan.
We have to play.
French rules, standard protocol.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
Winner gets the suitcase.
I accept.
I had a more interesting opponent in mind.
- No way.
- Me? He's a big boy, Wilfred-- he can speak for himself.
What do you say, Ryan? Are you up for a little game? Last time you played your game, I was just the rope in your twisted tug-of-war.
At least now I have some control.
But you don't stand a chance against Bruce.
The only way to win is not to play.
You play games with him.
You win.
Yeah, well, you're not me, are you? I don't know, Wilfred.
Am I? Why are you doing this? You already said whatever's in the suitcase won't change your mind about Amanda.
It won't, but I want to know.
Well, don't say I didn't warn you.
Let the games begin.
What's going on? I can't believe he'd choose this game for the first round.
Typical Bruce.
Why? What's he going to do? Sorry, Ryan.
Moderator can't help.
It's against the rules.
Just be careful.
Why the hell is he wearing that mask? Yes! He said it! He said it.
- Point.
- What? - How did I? - The name of the game is "Why the hell is he wearing that mask?" You say that phrase, Bruce gets a point.
The game is actually called "Why the hell is he wearing that mask?" Whoo! Two-nothing.
What are you doing? This is ridiculous.
- No! No way! - Yes.
- The son of a bitch is cheating! No! - No.
No! No! Are you nuts? No! No! No! No! No! What dwells in the blue, has a sunset face, with a nose like a dagger and wood at its base? - He doesn't know.
- Shut up, Bruce.
Focus, Ryan.
If you lose this round, it's over and Bruce wins.
Not to mention, you get spanked with a moose antler.
Come on, it's easy.
I can't help you, mate.
Only two can play.
It doesn't make any sense.
None of this makes any sense.
I-I I can't do this anymore.
Dude, he's forfeiting.
Ryan, you know this one.
"Only two can play.
" Two can "What dwells in the blue?" Blue is the sky.
That means it's a bird.
"A sunset face with a nose like a dagger.
" Meaning a colorful beak.
"With wood at its base.
" Th's a branch.
The answer is a toucan.
The answer is Martin Van Buren.
Rules are rules.
Martin Van Buren? Yeah.
I mean, that's obvious.
Sunset face, dude.
He had a severe case of rosacea.
Learn your history, son.
Hey, this was fun.
See you.
I call Monchichi Clown Bubbles.
Those are some serious words.
What's going on? Sudden death.
You win, you get the suitcase.
If Bruce wins I get to cut Wilfred's tail off.
Wilfred, you can't.
You said I don't have your best interests at heart, yeah? Well, I am literally putting my ass on the line for you.
But it's your tail.
If I lose I'll just have to tell you when I'm happy.
Not that I ever will be.
I call the game.
Truth or dare.
It's okay, Ryan.
You've got this.
All you have to do is choose truth.
Why? It's why we're down here.
Trust me.
What are you up to? What's the real game? What? Ryan.
- No.
- Okay.
- going to ruin everything! - Dare.
I dare you to call your father.
What? Tell him it was your fault and you want to come back.
You don't have to do this, mate.
J-Just choose truth.
Choose the truth, Ryan.
Hello? Ryan? Damn it.
I choose truth.
Congratulations, kid.
You beat me.
- I did? - Don't get cocky.
You owe me one, buddy.
I'm not your buddy.
Hey, good game.
But I'll get you next time.
I don't feel like I won.
That's the problem with this particular game.
Even when you win, you lose.
Open the case.
What's inside? - The truth.
- The truth about Amanda? No.
Just the truth.
Is this? It's a bomb.
Holy shit! The numbers are going up.
It's a timer.
Press the button.
That's how long you've been down in your basement playing a pointless game with your neighbor's dog and his well, Bruce.
This is who you are, mate.
You have to tell her the truth.
No, she loves me.
That's why you have to let her go.
You tricked me.
You lied to me.
You just don't want me to be happy.
There's nothing wrong with me.
There was an earthquake.
Good morning.
You sure you're ready for this? I thought you were going to come over early - and help me load up my car.
- I overslept.
Yeah, you look like you haven't slept at all.
Having second thoughts about me moving in? Hey, Wilfred.
Did you keep Ryan up all night? Look, I don't know how you're set for storage, but I have got a ton of stuff.
Uh Oh, what's in here? Ryan.
Amanda I haven't been honest with you.
The truth is, I I'm not ready for this.
Not ready for us moving in together or? Not ready for us? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Look, I work is so crazy.
I-I really don't have time for a relationship.
But you said you loved me.
I I thought I did.
Look, you're a really great girl, - and - This isn't happening.
I'm sorry.
I-I I just think we need to take a a break.
How long? Long.
But, uh I love you.
You were right.
If I really loved her, I would have told her the truth.
No, I was wrong.
You lied to her because you love her.
And that's why I lied to you.
You understand that, right? You knew this would happen.
This is the disaster you predicted.
Sorry, mate.
That still wasn't it.