Wilfred s02e09 Episode Script


Where's your ex? She's been out sick all week.
Oh oh, I get it.
She's all embarrassed to show her face now 'cause you tapped it and scrapped it, right? You down with O.
? Wilfred: Sorry, sorry Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Hair looks great today.
Whoa Scotty boy! Did you see the bachelorette last night? Brutal.
Jeremy: Okay.
Listen up.
This morning, Kanner-McKay announced the results of their phase three trials of their cancer drug Ahead of schedule, and, uh Well, what can I say? We lost.
They beat us.
All of our investors have, uh Jumped ship.
What? Oh, no, no.
We're screwed.
Me, speaking, you, quieting down.
Ah Now, I know that you're all worried about your jobs.
And I understand that.
But my grandfather was once trapped inside a mine for 15 days.
And everyone around him had lost hope.
But not my pepaw.
He looked at those men, and he said, "us.
"Digging out of here.
" And ten years later, he owned that mine! And my grandfather never gave up hope, and neither should you.
You should refuse to see this situation as a defeat But rather as an opportunity to do something even better, even bigger! Because this I know: You will dig yourselves out of this mine, and you will emerge even stronger, and you will change the world! Baby! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to call the wife.
Aw, man! That was some inspirational shit! First I'm like, "I cannot afford to lose this job right now," but it's just like Jeremy said, you know? We gotta Man.
When someone shoots themselves in the face, it's just like Dude.
I don't want to cast a darker shadow on an already tragic day, but I think someone may have eaten part of Jeremy's brains.
Hey, kristen.
Uh, thanks for ignoring my calls all morning.
Where have you been? Oh.
Your checkup thing.
That's right, Ryan, my checkup thing.
For my pregnancy thing, which you are now 30 minutes late for.
You said you'd be here, Ryan.
People in the waiting room were looking at me like I was a slut.
It's just I'm not in a good place right now.
Everything went to shit two weeks ago, and That's right, Ryan.
That was two whole weeks.
Move on.
Scott, that is not my vagina! Look, I need you to be here for me.
I do not want to be all alone in that delivery room.
Can't you just Ask someone else? Thanks for nothing, Ryan.
Jenna's out of town.
Two single boys with no jobs and nothing to do, whoo-hoo! Come on, let's get started.
I don't feel like going out.
But you've been sitting on your ass doing nothing all week.
So? My life sucks right now.
Look, I wish I could press the reset button, but I can't.
I'm just trying to take care of myself.
And judging by the rigidity of your load sock, you've been taking care of yourself quite a bit.
What do you want? Look You're depressed.
I get it.
You know what I do when I'm feeling down? I get outside myself and do some good in the world.
Yeah, right.
I do.
Remember when I mauled that black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his cheek? No.
I did it because I hoped it would help him go on to be the next seal.
Wait, you did what? It's called service, Ryan.
And you can start by making me breakfast.
I usually eat at 9:15 sharp, and it's already approaching 9:17! Come on, I'm kind of freaking out here.
This is why we had to rush over here her cat? I appreciate you both coming on such short notice.
There, there, mum.
Oh, wilfred.
Uh, okay, the thing is and it's not a big deal it's just, I like to have my paw on top.
I know how much mittens meant to you.
She was my best friend.
Okay, uh, maybe you didn't hear me the first time.
And again, it's not a big deal, uh, but I usually have my paw on top.
Don't know how I can be any more clear about that.
As you can see, I'm kind of a mess right now.
Look, I Be cool, wilfred.
She's grieving.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, sweetheart.
You are just glowing with the spirit of motherhood.
So is the baby a mulatto? What? No, mom.
So you're no longer exclusively into black love? Is that what you're trying to tell me? You know what? Uh, kristen could really use some help preparing for the baby.
Ryan: I mean, that's what I do when I'm feeling down.
I get outside myself and do some good in the world.
Hey, you stole my line.
You know what I say to people when they steal my lines? I say, "hey, hey, hey", it's fat Albert.
" Kristen, I-I would love to help you with your baby.
I delivered mitten's kittens.
Most of them lived.
It would be so wonderful to be there for you.
Um, well I could use all the help I can get.
Watch the baby.
It's a terrible idea.
I wouldn't recommend her leaving the grounds.
In fact, I think we should discuss a more managed care situation.
But I thought she was getting better.
Well, some people take a turn for the worse, especially after losing someone close to them.
Even if it was a cat.
Mom's gonna be crushed.
Look, she's been very resistant to this idea.
It would really help ease the transition if one of you could convince her that this is in her best interest.
I know this is difficult.
And if you need to talk to someone, here's the number of a good therapist.
He really helped me through a tough time after I was Raped.
Shall I show you our managed care facility? Wilfred: Ryan, I know the timing couldn't possibly be any worse, but I think someone may have dug up mittens and eaten part of the corpse.
Kristen: Come on, Ryan.
Catherine: Did Dr.
Cahill talk to you about that Managed care thing? Yeah.
Well, what do you think? Do you think I'm that crazy? Of course not.
But he is the doctor, right? Do you remember that? When I used to help you paint? Yeah.
You were so talented.
You had such a gift that I gave you.
And now you kids are all grown up and you don't need me any more.
Of course, when you did need me, I really wasn't there.
I will always regret that.
But Taking care of mittens, that Made me feel useful.
And now that she's dead Sometimes when your father was yelling at me about, I don't know, spoons or whatever, I had this fantasy of just escaping and running away from it all.
Like, actually running away.
Just doing something for me.
I've had thoughts like that.
Leaving everything behind.
All the pain, the bad memories.
Just hitting the road, popping in a bitching-ass mix tape, and just being Free.
Have you lost your mind? Mexico? You know they eat dogs down there.
They do not.
What, you don't think Mexico city has a Koreatown? Get in.
I'm a creature of habit, Ryan.
I eat, sleep, and shit on a very rigid schedule.
You can't just take me out of my routine.
I'm not, I'm not going.
Hasta la vista.
We both know you're not just gonna leave me here.
All talk, just as I suspected.
Now here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna ditch mom, pick up some primo, head back to your place Goddamn you, Ryan.
Catherine: Whoo! We're free! Celebrate through dance with me, Ryan.
Wilfred: This is torture.
Long car rides are animal cruelty.
Don't think I can be distracted with all this fun wind.
Yeah! Wind! Apparently someone doesn't know the rules of shotgun.
Do you think wilfred's safe back there? Wilfred, sit down.
I don't need to sit.
Anyone who knows anything about dogs knows that we have perfect balance.
In fact, there is no physical force that can even Ooh, ooh, oh, there's an organic fruit stand up ahead that's built on what I believe to be a vortex energy field.
Do you mind if we stop there? Hey, it's not like we've got anywhere to be.
Wilfred: Oh, hilarious.
I have my regular sun spot nap at 1:30.
I need to be there a few minutes early for pre-nap stretching and my yawn-squeaks.
This reminds me of those road trips we used to take.
Hey, do you remember that time we drove to lake Tahoe, and kristen wouldn't speak to me for two days because I said she could be president of the itty bitty titty committee? The kids were so cute back then.
The kids? Oh.
Uh! Brain toot! I meant you and your sister.
Ryan, turn this car around now! Calm down, wilfred! Don't tell me to calm down! It's your fault that I'm Aah! The energy vortex is strong here, Ryan.
I have not experienced geomagnetic rejuvenation like this since I don't know when.
Look at my mom.
She's never been so happy.
You really think you're helping her, Ryan? Shouldn't your wife be in managed care? Whoops! Brain toot! I meant your mother.
So she misspoke.
It was nothing.
We got to go back, mate.
All right.
But don't pretend you're doing this for her.
Kristen: Where the hell have u been?! I'm just on a little road trip with mom.
A little road trip? You disappeared with our mentally unstable mother! She's not mentally unstable.
She's just eccentric.
Well, imagine how "eccentric" mom's gonna get if she doesn't take her mood stabilizers.
I'll make sure she takes her meds.
Hang on.
Is that kitty litter? There's still turds in it! Dibs! What the hell, dude? I called dibs.
She-she doesn't have her medication with her.
Of course not! They dispense them here because oh, that's right, she's mentally unstable.
I'll call you back.
Hey, hey, mind if I drive? Uh Come on! Get in the car! If we make it to Victorville by sundown, I know a place that rents stilts cheap.
Uh, listen, I just talked to kristen, and she seems pretty worried.
We've had a fun day, right? Maybe we should just head back.
About time! Very funny, Ryan.
Oh! Oh you know where we should stay tonight? I know the the most charming little nudist hostel just outside Rosarito.
That's it! I can't take it any more! Turn this bloody car around! It's bad enough mum is losing her mind, but now little Emily down the street will go outside to play at 3:35 and not get tail-whipped in the face! Is that what you want, you sick bastard?! Ah Shit.
Thank God! Okay, Ryan, be cool.
Just hide the bag of apples under the seat.
Why? Wait.
Did you steal this fruit? No, I did not steal the fruit.
Fruit belongs to the earth, and therefore, no human being has a right to put a price on it.
I did however steal this pen from the cash register.
Afternoon, officer.
Wilfred: Oh, thank God you're here.
I'm being held hostage.
My name is wilfred Fazio Mueller, I live at 2200 ingmar drive Cute dog.
Thank you.
License and registration.
Oh, gee, officer, I left my license at home When I left there 20 years ago.
Would you step out of the car, ma'am? Ooh Of course, officer.
No problem.
Mom, what are you doing?! Mom! Victorville stilt shop or bust! Jesus, mom! Pull over! Why? This is exciting! I haven't been hassled by the man since 1974.
You just ran over a cop's motorcycle! You're carrying around a purse full of kitty litter! What, because I want to keep a little piece of mittens with me, that makes me crazy? What's crazy is you not sharing.
Just stop the car now! Don't tell me what to do, Henry.
Henry? Mom, you know I'm not dad, right? Yeah.
Yeah, of course I do.
Mom you're not well.
Please let me drive.
You'll never control me, Henry! Wait.
Buckle up, sneakers! Mom! Wilfred: I'm not sneakers, you crazy bitch.
Henry, help! Kristen: I appreciate that, officer.
Like I said, she's off of her medication.
If you find her first, will you please let us know? Thank you so much.
It's a good thing you're a lawyer, 'cause mom's gonna need one.
I get it.
I messed up.
Don't you think I feel terrible about this? You should, because this is a disaster.
Make a left up here.
You want to do this? I Wilfred: You got to help me! My name is wilfred Fazio Mue Oh, it's you.
Hey, mom? Mom, it's kristen.
I'm gonna Hi.
I'm gonna need you to take your medication, okay? Right.
I'm sorry, but you have to.
You're my helper, remember? I can't help you.
I can't even help myself.
We should just come up with some wacky way for me to die.
Okay, here you go, mom.
Take this.
Jesus, mom! Look, I can't deal with this right now! Shut the damn cat up and take your medicine.
Ow! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you okay? Do I look okay, Ryan? Oh, God, this is not happening! No, not now! Not in some stupid hick's gross backyard! No offense! A towel or something? Shit, here comes the miracle! I'll-I'll call 911! We're 50 Miles from the nearest hospital, Ryan.
You're gonna have to help me through this, okay? Listen, I deliver babies for a living.
You can do this, but I need you to ow! Did you not hear what she said?! She needs your help, mate! I I can't.
Ryan, I know you're depressed, and you don't want to think of anyone but yourself right now, but that tainted whore needs you.
Ryan, please! For God's sake, go participate in the most beautiful experience life has to offer, even if it means looking directly into your own sister's slop-hole.
God! Oh! It's okay, kristen.
I'm here.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Here, squeeze my hand, okay? You're doing good, mittens.
I'm Ryan.
I'm your Uncle.
Are you feeling better, mom? You know, kristen's gonna really need your help.
And I was thinking that maybe the best way to do that is for you to go back and get the help that you need.
I know.
I'm a grandma.
Listen, I hate to be a Debbie downer, especially in the midst of all this joy, but I think someone may have eaten kristen's placenta.
I won't be too long, I promise.
Take your time.
I was able to get patches from up the street to cover Emily's And my 4:30 Jenna cuddle's been pushed.
But if I'm not back by 6:30 A.
to bark at that garbage truck, I don't even want to think about it.
Hey, mom.
Ryan? Hey! Hey.
Oh, I-I I don't want to get paint on you.
Oh, it's okay.
So, how's your new, uh Your new situation? Things are good.
I've got a lot of mileage out of the cop story.
Um, I made a few new friends, and they do everything for me here.
I don't have to lift a finger.
You know, I I haven't painted since I was a kid.
You had a great eye.
I had a great teacher.
Another hilary swank dream? She was wearing a g-string in this one.
Ryan, it was so real.