Wilfred s02e11 Episode Script


Okay, are you ready? Mm-hmm.
Jeffrey? Joffrey, like the ballet.
Oh, that's That's really good.
You don't like it.
No, no, I do.
I-I think Joffrey's a great name for a-a boy.
You're lying, Ryan.
You won't even look at me.
I'm sorry, Kristen.
C-can you maybe just not do that in front of me? Uh, no, Ryan, I won't starve my baby for you.
You're gonna have to get comfortable with stuff like this.
I know, I know.
Look, when we were little, I was the one who had to hold the family together.
I didn't ask for any help from you, but I am asking for it now.
Joffrey needs a male influence in his life, okay? Okay.
I-I'm here for you, and I'll get comfortable watching you breastfeed.
Don't be a pervert, Ryan.
Can you hold him? I am so thirsty; This baby sucks the life out of me.
Burp him? Uh Uh Kristen? Oh, Jesus.
Shh, stop crying.
Stop crying.
You're good; Stop crying.
Shh, stop crying.
Stop crying.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Um Stop crying.
I just I-I need, uh Ryan? Talk to me mate.
What's going on? Ryan! Oh, my God.
It's a panic attack.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
We're having a panic attack down here.
I'm okay.
You okay? I don't know what just happened.
I-I was holding Kristen's baby, and And-and it started to cry, and then all of a sudden, it felt like I was I-I was suffocating.
You just say the word, and that baby will pay for what it's done to you.
Don't do anything to the baby, Wilfred.
We understand each other.
Seriously, don't.
Right, gotcha.
The-the baby's not the problem, Wilfred.
Oh, my God.
Ryan, look at what your panic is doing to me.
I'm absorbing your stress.
Ryan, we need to find out the cause of this anxiety.
It's not the baby.
Maybe it's your mom getting worse or losing your job? I can find another job, and my mom's getting better.
What about Amanda? What about Amanda? Well, just, we've never talked about it.
What's there to talk about? We broke up.
It sucks, but that's life.
Can we drop it, please? What about your boss' suicide? I mean, someone ate his brains.
I mean, that's twisted.
Did they ever find who did that, by the way? So, this will mellow me out? You ask a lot of questions, bro.
I asked one question.
No, no, no, it's good, man.
You know, I had a lot of questions, too.
I just got back from an insane two weeks in Peru, man.
Had a glorious spiritual awakening.
Got an assload of answers.
You ever hear of Ayahuasca? It's unreal, man.
What is it? It's this extract from a vine.
They call it "The Teacher" because while you're tripping on it, you're supposed to ask yourself these questions and shit, and the answers come from with inside your brain, man.
So, what did you ask? That's between me and my spirit guide.
Anyway, I brought some back with me.
Could sell you a little bit if you want.
I'll take some.
Right on.
I'm excited for you.
I should warn you, the trip will probably start out with some nausea and vomiting.
Also, make sure you surrender to your trip completely, 'cause if you fight it even a little bit, your trip could turn into a nightmare.
W-what do you mean? You could lose your mind completely and never come back.
All right, let's do this, Ryan.
Thanks, mate.
You know what, I changed my mind.
Um, can I just get my money back? Sorry, man.
No refunds, store policy.
You got to find a way to calm down.
I'm shedding my ass off over here.
It's not noticeable, is it? Hey, Kristen.
Did I leave Joffrey's pacifier at your place? Um, I'm not sure.
Let me ask in a different way.
I left Joffrey's pacifier at your place.
Can you please find it? Sure.
Thank you.
Just being such a little dickhead.
Sorry, d-head.
You know, he will not stop crying without it.
Shh, Joffrey.
Don't cry, baby, don't cry.
It's okay; Stop crying.
Okay, stop crying please.
Um, Kristen? I got to I got to run.
I'll call you back.
What's happening? Are we panicking? Shit.
We are panicking.
Here we go.
I-I wasn't even holding the baby.
I just heard it.
Just got to pull ourselves together.
Wilfred, calm down.
Aah! No! You calm down.
First my tail and now bear? Why are you doing this to us? Mmm, it's gonna be okay.
We're gonna figure this out.
You're right; Of course we are.
That's what the Ayahuasca's for.
What? Are you kidding me? I couldn't handle a drug like that right now.
I'd lose my mind.
Well, I hope that's not true.
Why? Because you've kind of been drinking it all this time.
Wilfred, how could you do this? I don't know, Ryan.
I'm a monster.
But you can fix bear, I know you can.
I don't care about bear.
You dosed me with a dangerous hallucinogenic drug.
That was a joke.
So, you didn't dose me? No, I dosed you.
The thing about fixing bear, that was a joke.
We need to get to a hospital.
Come on, Ryan, bear doesn't have insurance.
I meant me.
There's no time.
I feel sick.
I-I I can't do this.
You can do this.
It'll be worth it.
You'll find the answer to your panic attack, and I'll get my tail back.
Just don't fight it.
If you do, you could lose yourself inside your own head for all eternity.
But most importantly, have fun with it.
Maybe if I just rest.
Hey, Ryan, look.
Oh, my God, Ryan! There's so much good stuff out here.
There's a lot of good stuff up ahead.
I'm gonna go check it out.
Oh, wow, it's so good.
Wait till you see what's ahead.
Okay, sorry, go at your own pace.
There's no rush.
But just hurry up.
Wilfred, none of this is real.
I know that, Ryan.
Right now, you're passed out in the basement, and I'm eating vomit off your shirt, but while we're here, try to learn something.
Learn something? How? How.
Ryan, I am red wolf.
I am your spirit guide.
Spirit guide? The journey ahead of you is one of great enlightenment, but also great treachery.
Can I Can I talk to you for a second? Uh, listen, uh, what was it? Red bull? Red wolf.
I think we might be overlapping a bit.
I do not get your meaning.
The thing is, I'm sort of already with this guy.
Ryan requires a spirit guide, and I am well-trained in such matters.
Yeah, and I kind of hear what you're saying.
It's just that Ryan and I already know each other, so I think it'd probably be faster Faster is not better.
Trust me.
I have not failed anyone yet.
Yet? Aha, so you're admitting there's a possibility.
You doubt my abilities? No, no, no, no, no one's doing that.
I'm sure you're a fantastic "spirit guide.
" Take the air-quotes out, and yes.
Having learned from my father who learned from his father who learned from his father I'm not questioning your qualifications.
Why are you even I am just going to finish my thought, if that is okay with you.
Having learned from his father before him.
I-I'm sorry, "before him"? Him.
How's puberty going? I see.
Because my voice cracked, you are trying to undercut me to make me feel inferior.
I'm not trying to undercut anyone.
I just want to know if you need a lift to the junior prom.
I can drop you off a block away, if you're embarrassed.
It's kind of hard for me to tell if you are embarrassed because, well, because your face is already red.
Wilfred, enough.
I just want to get started.
Red wolf, I'm sorry about him.
You can guide me.
What?! This is bullshit! No, what is bullshit is that you would slip drugs into my tea without telling me.
You call yourself my best friend, but you're always screwing with me.
I mean, who are you? Is that your question, Ryan? Now, hang on.
L-let's not get too crazy here.
You already have a question, remember? It-it's the panic.
I want to know the truth about Wilfred.
What is Wilfred? That's my question.
The truth will be revealed.
Ryan, you're making a big mistake.
Wilfred, stay.
Really, dude? It's beautiful.
Everything is so strange and magical yet Somehow familiar.
It all comes from within you, Ryan.
All that you see here are creations of your own mind.
Perhaps that explains why I am such a stereotype.
I feel like I've seen this in a movie.
You have definitely seen this in a movie.
I do not judge.
It is my sincere hope that during this time we spend together, that you Shh.
Let it go to voicemail.
Where are we? Sometimes, when a question does not want to be answered, it is necessary to travel to a place where your mind has never before been.
Are we going to be able to get back? Do not worry, Ryan.
As long as you stay with me, I will guide you safely back home after your journey.
Black files Why are those here? They are here because your mind has brought them here.
Everything and everyone All that happens.
That is your sister.
This is the spring of truth.
Gaze into the water with your question in your heart And from the depths Your answer will rise.
Remember, Ryan, do not look with your eyes, look with your heart.
What is Wilfred? Something's happening.
The water is, uh Wilfred! What? Me? Yeah, you're not gonna see much truth in there.
How's the quest going, by the way? What have you done?! You're turning my trip into a nightmare! No, Ryan, you're turning this trip into a nightmare because you're not asking the real question: Why do you panic every time that baby cries? Uh, I don't know.
Because it reminds me of a responsibility I don't want, or can't handle, or my failed relationship, or my job, or something about something But none of that matters now, because without my spirit guide, I'm gonna be trapped in here forever! You don't need him, Ryan! I can be your spirit guide! Fine.
Just guide us out of here.
It would be my greatest honor.
Yeah, we're lost.
I'd like to apologize.
But I can't, because I'm not sorry.
Course not! I'm not sorry because it was necessary.
There are some questions that you're not ready to find out not yet.
You're the one who brought me here in the first place.
To figure out why Kristen's baby causes you so much anxiety That's the answer you need now.
So, o wise spirit guide, what's the answer? Sorry, mate, there's some questions even I don't have the answer to.
I can't believe I'm gonna freeze to death inside my own head.
Here, this'll help.
Distract you from the cold.
Seriously? You dosed my tea with Ayahuasca.
Ryan If you think I'm gonna eat or drink anything you give me, ever again, you're tripping harder than I am.
Exactly! You're already tripping! None of this is real! I'm not real! I'm just a version of me that exists in your head.
So, think about it, Ryan Would you dose yourself? No This flask is just your subconscious self trying to help you imagine a way to keep warm.
Suit yourself.
Oh, my God! I can't believe you fell for it! That was totally more Ayahuasca.
What?! I knew it! This is such Ryan, the whole reason we're here is to get answers, and since you were clearly giving up like a little bitch, I had to intervene.
You have to go deeper for this one.
I'm gonna kill you.
And also, the real me has been down in the basement with the real, passed-out you for quite a while now, so I probably need to piss pretty badly, so hurry up, okay? Oh oh, God.
I feel sick.
I'll just wait here, eating vomit off your shirt.
Amanda? Oh, Ryan, guess what? You're about to trip within a trip into a trip within a trip.
What does that even? Yeah, Ryan, I know you're there.
Just wait.
Do I know you? Yes and no.
So How's Wilfred doing? Is he behaving himself? Yes and no.
Why so cryptic? I-I just thought that's what we do here.
That's my couch.
It wasn't here before.
Oh, terrific.
I guess we better do this.
What is your question? Um yeah.
Why do I panic around crying babies? Nothing is developing.
What's my stuff doing here? I guess you're moving in.
What?! Wh I'm getting trapped down here.
What do I do? You just have to ask the right question.
I thought I You're running out of time, Ryan! I'm just here to find out why I'm panicking! Why am I panicking? Ah now here we go.
Now, this Takes me back.
Or should I say, takes you back.
Sneakers Ryan, Ryan, stop crying.
You can't cry.
It's gonna make mom upset.
And then dad's gonna get mad, and they're gonna start fighting more.
Okay? Stop crying.
Don't cry.
Jesus, it's so sad.
It wasn't the baby crying It was Kristen telling the baby not to cry.
Because that's what she told me.
I never stopped not crying.
Maybe it's time.
See you round, Ryan.
Hey, man, how was your trip? It was Wait.
Hey, mate.
How was your trip? It was Well, I'd love to hear about it.
Perhaps outside? Over a walk? I'm sad, Wilfred.
I'm really sad.
I really do need to go out, though.