Wilfred s02e12 Episode Script


Hey! Hey! What's up now, water? Get some, bitch! Wilfred Hey, Ryyy-Seroni The-San-Francisco-Treat- Now-In-The-New Chicken What's up, neighbor? Is Wilfred bothering you? Drew was away for his bachelor party this weekend, so Wilfy has all this pent-up energy.
The hunting trip.
Sorry I couldn't make it, but I had to baby-sit my new nephew.
Bullshit! You spent the last 48 hours on the couch, in your undies, playing with your doodle.
Aah! Wilfred loves the hose.
Oh, that reminds me-- we haven't gotten your RSVP yet, for the wedding.
That's strange.
I mailed that weeks ago.
Uh, no, you didn't.
You remember-- you used it to squash that spider.
You know, that little baby-- agh! No worries.
I assumed you were coming.
The Bay Club needs a head count, so I just needed to know if you'd be alone.
I mean if you were bringing someone.
I mean if I knew you and Amanda had brok-- You know what? I'm just gonna put you down as a "plus-one.
" You are coming, right? Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Yay! Oh, and guess who's gonna be our ring bearer? Wilfred? Yeah! I wouldn't be wedding without our little sweetheart.
Which walk do you like better for down the aisle: This one? Or this one? The second one, right? I don't really care.
Ryan, I've been on a lot of walks in my life, but this is the most important, and the shortest.
What's your problem? Have you seen the way they are together? So happy and perfect? It's ridiculous.
You're jealous.
I'm not.
You are.
You want Jenna to be your sweet, sweet baby, but she loves Drew.
I'm not jealous, I'm just Sweet, sweet baby? Really? I like it.
Every time I see them smiling and talking about their stupid fairy-tale wedding at the Bay Club it just reminds me of everything I lost.
Amanda again? I though we were over her.
Well, I'm not.
She's not dead.
Pick up the phone and call her.
I can't.
I'm well, you know what I am.
I-I can't bring her into this.
Well, then just admit you're too much of a pussy to let Amanda see the real you and stop blaming Drew and Jenna for your unhappiness.
Being happy is just like being gay-- it's a choice.
That's why they mean the same thing.
Jesus! Look at this piece of shit.
So full of anger and resentment just because I'm exceptionally handsome and living free.
His heart is so full of bitterness that there's no room for anything else.
You don't want to be like him, Ryan.
He's a bad, bad dog.
Yeah, I'm talking about you.
What's the matter, dude? You've never seen lipstick this big? You keep yapping and I'll smear it all over your lips-- whoo-hoo! Uh, yeah we-we should probably go.
Hey, Tucker.
Hey, Loki.
Hey, Charlie.
Hey, George.
Come on, Wilfred.
Hey, you guys heard the big news? I'm gonna be ring bearer at Jenna's wedding.
I know! It's gonna be awesome.
I mean, her fiancé's kind of a jerk, but at least he lets me watch him lay the pipe.
Hey, Ryan! Who just shat? Charlie So, what else has been happening? Something wrong? Jenna wants us to write our own wedding vows, and I'm having trouble getting started.
I'll let you get to it.
Actually I was kind of hoping you could help me out.
I'm-I'm not much of a writer.
Hey I don't need help with the writing, just the inspiration, you know? You got any "doobage," bro? Oh, man I can't even remember the last time I got high.
Yeah, we'd all love to smoke out, we really do have work to do, so The least we can do is to make sure his moronic vows don't ruin her wedding.
Okay, here's what I'm thinking: Drew comes out, right? Before he even says a word, he vanishes.
Then everyone's, like, "Aw, shit!" That was just a hologram of Drew.
Then Drew rides in on a panda and Eddie Van Halen, he's just like-- Actually, wait, what is the budget for these vows? Did you ever wonder what it would be like if Wilfred could talk? I mean, look at him it's like he's trying to tell us something right now.
Hey, what are you trying to say, boy? Okay, what I'm saying is we need to start work on these vows.
Okay, uh, thank you.
That was tasty.
But about these vows, we-- Look, we really need to focus, if we're gonna-- Okay, you know what? If you need me, I'm going to be in the other room.
Oh, hey, don't tell Jenna that I gave Wilfred junk food.
She'd kill me.
I doubt that.
You two seem to have a pretty happy relationship.
We do.
Not that we haven't had our problems.
What do you mean? I don't really like to talk about it.
Ah, that's cool.
I understand.
What were we talking about? Uh, something about how you and Jenna had a falling out, or something Listen, you're a good friend.
I can trust you.
The thing is Jenna cheated on me.
What?! Yeah yeah we had a big fight and we didn't talk for, like, a week, and it just happened.
Jesus! No wonder you're having trouble writing the vows.
Yeah no! That was a long time ago, and I completely forgave her.
The reason that I'm having trouble is because she's so amazing that I can't find the words to describe how much I love her for loving me despite my faults.
That's great.
I mean, dude it took me a month to come up with the inscription on the ring.
It's only three words.
That's really beautiful.
Oh, I just had a great idea.
You should walk Wilfred down the aisle.
Oh I Sure.
Jenna's gonna be stoked.
No, no, you hold onto it.
You're a ring bearer now, bro.
This is bullshit! I don't even want to go to this wedding.
Now I'm the co-ring bearer? Yeah we need to talk about your title.
Co-Ring Bearer makes it sound like we're equals.
"Above all, love.
" That's what it says.
Screw them.
I mean, basically, all you have to do is follow me down the aisle and make sure my tail doesn't touch the ground.
I could live with Tail Holder, and maybe Associate Ring Bearer, but-- The hell with that.
I'm not going.
Fine! You can be Co-Ring Bearer, you big baby! This isn't fair, Wilfred.
They have cheating, anger issues, but they're still madly in love with each other.
Meanwhile, I can't even have a relationship? Wait a minute Drew cheated on Jenna? She cheated on Drew.
You shut your lying face vagina.
Jenna wouldn't cheat on anyone.
I'm still not going.
Well, you have to go.
You have the ring.
Good point.
You're the ring bearer, you take it.
No No Yeah.
Will you hurry up? Well, I can't do it when you're watching.
It's just so typical.
You knew I'd need that ring to back out of the wedding, so you swallowed it.
How's this my fault? You threw it.
I threw it for you to catch.
And catch it, I did.
And quite skillfully, I might add.
You throw like a girl.
If you ask me, I think you wanted this to happen.
You won't be satisfied until you've ruined Jenna's wedding.
I don't want to ruin it.
I just don't want to be there.
Well, if that's true, why are you trying to turn me against Jenna by calling her a cheater? Because, according to Drew, she is a cheater.
Oh, come on, Ryan.
If Jenna's capable of cheating on Drew, then she's capable of cheating on me, and we both know Jenna would never pet another dog.
Are you telling me you've never smelled another dog on Jenna's hands? Yeah, that but that's just from her pushing other dogs away.
Hey, guys! Hey, Wilfred! Hey, babe.
What, have you been at the grocery store all this time? Hey, you Aw Looks like someone missed you.
Either that, or he smells Rocky from the pet store.
The pet store?! You didn't mention anything about going to the pet store.
Who the hell's Rocky? Hey, you got that ring somewhere safe? Oh, yeah yeah As soon as they're gone, you need to shit.
How can I even think about shitting right now? I just found out Jenna's been down at the pet store, sucking another dog's dick.
No, she didn't.
She just petted him.
It's the same thing, Ryan.
I mean, what's this Rocky got that I haven't? Papers Oh, God! How can I compete with a purebred? Wilfred, relax.
How do you even know Rocky's a dog? Maybe he's just a guy working at the pet store.
Of course.
That makes perfect sense.
He probably just gave her a friendly hug to thank her for making a purchase.
I know Jenna would never cheat on me.
Oh, yeah, you like that, don't you? Oh! Hey, buddy.
You want to go outside to play? Maybe take that shit? Ryan, I just watched Jenna take it in the hands from every guy in the neighborhood.
I ain't going anywhere.
She pet a few dogs.
So what? I've seen you get petted by hundreds of people.
It's different, I'm a dude! Plus, did you see those guys? I mean, Tucker I can kind of understand.
He featured on a clever greeting card.
But Jellybeans? His mother is his sister.
I'm gonna be sick.
Ryan Ears, Ryan, ears! God.
No ring.
That would be too easy.
I'm done messing around, Wilfred.
Put that down and let's go outside.
I don't feel like going out.
God damn it! Why won't you just shit for me? Because I can't! Ow Why? Do you have a bowel obstruction? No.
I have my pride.
Screw it.
Where are you going? I'm done playing your games.
If the only way I'm gonna skip that wedding is to buy Drew a new ring, then so be it.
Tell him I'm not going either.
To the wedding or the bathroom.
Ever! This cannot be good for me.
Hello? Drew? Oh, hey.
Sorry, I'll-I'll just come back later.
No, that's okay.
Uh, we were just Putting away my camping stuff.
Let me just um get this sleeping bag.
I'll get the rest later.
What's up, bro? Actually, uh, I-I'm glad you're both here.
Just wanted to talk to you about your wedding.
Oh, good.
Um, now that you're in the wedding party-- which is so amazing, by the way-- we need to go over what you'll be wearing.
Wait here, I-I want to show you something.
Everything okay, buddy? Yeah.
Hey, while I've got you alone, I was looking at that ring.
It's really beautiful.
If you don't mind my asking, how much does something like that cost? I don't know.
About $50? That's it? Yeah, when my grandfather bought it back in 1950.
My Nana gave it to me when she heard I was engaged.
She was hoping to be here in person to see it on Jenna's finger, but I guess God had other plans.
Jenna! Jenna! Where is she? Where's that cheating whore? Wilfred, calm down! I should calm down? You should calm up! You're about to marry the neighborhood slut and you don't even care! Here comes the bride So what do you think? I think you've got some balls wearing white! I will have my honor! Wilfred, no! Oh, my God! Call 911! - Just don't move - Ow! Wilfred, you bad dog! Bad dog! Bad girl! Ow Just stay calm, just stay calm.
I hate you, happy kids! Yeah, keep moving, you little tiny-balled bastards.
What are you doing here? This is my home now.
You heard Jenna.
I'm a bad dog.
Jenna was upset.
Drew was shot in the leg.
Look, if you're missing when she gets back from the hospital, she's gonna be worried sick.
It's nothing that a handful of Jellybeans won't cure.
This is insane.
When did ensuring Jenna and Drew's happiness become my full-time job? I just want to return that ring and forget about this whole wedding! She doesn't even deserve a wedding ring.
Not after how she betrayed me.
So, what, you're just never gonna shit again? I've done a lot of good shits in my life, Ryan.
I'll have my memories.
Holding all that stuff inside isn't hurting Jenna, it's hurting you.
You gonna carry around that pain forever? What about all the shit you're holding inside? You can't hate Drew and Jenna because they're happy! This isn't about me, it's about you! Just let it go Just let it go and get on with your life! and get on with your life! Wilfred, you need to get out of there.
Ryan! Open the gate for me!! I'm trying! I want my mommy! Oh.
Are you all right? Yeah Wilfred, look! The ring! Oh.
Huh? Here.
Here, get out through here.
Come on.
Where is it? No! Calm down, I'm just cleaning it.
Wilfred! Wilfy! Oh Oh, Wilfy, oh You must have been so scared! I am so, so sorry I yelled at you, my sweet, sweet baby.
Get a good look, boys! She pet you once, but who sleeps on her bed every night? I'm looking at you, Jellybeans.
Thanks a lot, bro.
We owe you one.
No problem.
How's your leg? I, um, gotta get surgery on Saturday.
But Saturday is Yeah.
Which means we're losing the Bay Club and all our deposits.
Plus, my dress is ruined.
We're just gonna get married in a civil ceremony at the courthouse.
But what about my walk down the aisle? I'm so sorry.
Ah, don't be.
I still get to marry the nicest, prettiest girl in the world, and spend my life with her, too.
Aw That's just the painkillers talking.
No, it's not, Jenna-ration X.
You're not getting married at the courthouse.
I'm throwing you a wedding.
We can have it in my backyard.
And Kristen has a beautiful dress that you can borrow.
Ryan, that's so sweet, but I won't take no for an answer.
Nothing would make me happier than to watch the two of you walk down that aisle together.
Thank you so much, Ryan! Oh! And don't worry, Wilfred.
You can walk down that aisle, too.
Uh, thanks, Ryan.
We should get you inside.
Thank you, Ryan.
Look at them.
So happy together.
I hope I can be lucky enough to have something like that one day.
Wilfred! That's up to you, mate.
Ryan, I redid Drew's vows.
Um, do you mind if I just bounce them off you? Sure.
"Jenna, you've got a smile, it seems to me, "reminds me of childhood memories, "where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky.
" You wrote that? Yeah, I did.
It's beautiful.
Keep going.
"Now and then when I see your face, "you take me away to that special place, and if I stay too long" Wait.
Wait, those are the lyrics to "Sweet Child O' Mine.
" No, they're not.
This comes from the heart.
"Guitar solo?" I'll just keep working on 'em.
I guess I'd want it to be when I'm really old, surrounded by my family.
I'd close my eyes, and drift away.
What about you? I was seeing it more like five or six years from now, after the fall of society, when robots rule the earth, and, like, the zoos have fallen apart so the animals are, like, viciously hunting people down.
And this leopard finds you in this mud hole Finds me? Yeah, hiding from the robots who sodomized your sister.
And the leopard, he just like bites your head off.
Wait, I thought we were talking about ways that we wanted to die.
No, we we're talking about ways we want you to die.
I don't want to die.
Is this my T-shirt? Oh, yeah.
You can have that back now.
Is it dirty? Did you pull it out of the laundry? I was lonely this morning, and I wanted something near me that smelt like you, so I took the T-shirt out of the laundry basket and I snuggled up with it.
That's actually kind of sweet.
And made love on it.