Wilfred s03e09 Episode Script


Thank you for hosting Christmas dinner tomorrow night, by the way.
You didn't give me much choice.
Hey, you're the one who has to watch Wilfred.
And there's no way he's coming back to my place.
Last time, he did that, like, fish juice thing on my carpets.
Are you nervous? No.
Really? You and Dad haven't seen each other in almost two years.
I just saw Dad a month ago at the grocery store.
We had a little chat over some champagne.
Very funny.
Don't worry.
The therapy really helped.
I'm going into this with an open mind.
Also, I have a little surprise.
Um, Mom's insane asylum is It's not an insane asylum.
It has, like ducks.
Her duck sanctuary is allowing her five hours of supervised visitation tomorrow night.
So, for the first time in years, the whole family is gonna be together.
Look, it's not gonna be a cakewalk, but I want Joffrey to have a normal holiday experience, which means being surrounded by his entire family.
But if Mom and Dad start fighting, I'm putting Joffrey in one of their laps to distract them.
You want to use my baby? That's genius.
Hey! Fancy meeting you guys here! I'm sorry.
No dogs allowed.
I'm just Sorry.
It's cool.
I'll just mail my Christmas list to Santa.
Want to hear what I'm asking for? Sure.
A Big Wheel, so I can drag Santa's severed head through the streets of Venice.
A Darth Vader action figure, so I can stick that plastic, tiny, little lightsaber into Santa's urethra.
A catcher's mitt, so I can make cruel comparisons to Mrs.
Claus's vagina.
Why do you hate Santa so much? Santa is the mailman on steroids.
I mean, this guy comes into your house-- into your house-- leaves packages covered with his scent, calls you "ho" three times.
Keep in mind, this is a guy who has sex with reindeer.
Wilfred, you realize that Santa isn't r Isn't ready to get his ass beat? Yeah, I know.
That diabetic blobmeister doesn't have the balls to show his face when Wilfred's in the house! Yeah, what's up, tits?! Wilfred! I'm not gonna do nothing while your goons are around.
Yeah, we're cool.
We're cool.
Wilfred! No! I'm sorry.
You see how that could be confusing.
Are you okay, mate? Y- You seem anxious.
I'm just worried about tonight.
I- I was prepared to deal with my dad, but Mom and Dad together? You and your mum get along great.
Yeah, but when my parents fight, she's like a loose cannon.
I just don't want her to say a bunch of stuff about me in front of my dad.
Like what? Like why I quit his firm.
How I tried to kill myself.
Maybe it's time your dad found out how much he screwed you up.
I mean, you've always said he's a manipulative bully.
Now's your chance to stand up to him.
Perhaps in the form of a "Beat It" style knife fight.
I can't do that.
Sure you can.
Just lock your arms together, hold your knives up, and then dance your ass off.
Look, standing up to my dad is not gonna help us start over.
All I want is to get through this evening with as little stress as possible.
Say no more.
I'll stop badgering you about your dad.
Besides, Christmas is a time for families to come together to share yuletide joy.
And, yeah, I mean, Jenna and Drew did go back to Wisconsin without me, but I'm excited about spending Christmas with you! And being a part of your family.
Uh, actually with my mom coming now, would you mind hanging out in the basement? B- But it's-it's not Christmas without Wilfred.
Would it help if I said that there was an eighth of Silver Haze down there? A- And-and the DVD player's already loaded up with Jingle All the Way? It helps.
That's probably Dad.
Um, here, here.
Let me stir that while you get the door.
Ryan, you're gonna have to see Dad eventually.
On the first day of Christmas My true love gave to me a partridge In a pear Thanks, but now's not a good time.
Dick! Oh Shit! Well, just relax.
It's just flour.
I- I'm just a little on edge about seeing Dad, I guess.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm nervous, too.
I saw a strange Indian couple assaulting people with what may have been Christmas carols, so to avoid them, I- I went around back.
I hope you don't mind that I let myself in.
Merry Christmas, Daddy! Merry Christmas, pumpkin.
Is that a new perfume? No, but I can a new perfume.
Should I? I-I should.
I've got to put the potatoes in.
Uh, potatoes au gratin-- your favorite, right, Dad? Well So How have you been? Good, yeah.
You seem like you're doing better.
I am.
Kristen tells me you have a roommate.
Uh, sh-she's spending the holidays with some friends.
Excuse me.
No, I've got it.
Merry Christmas, poopy pants! Well, I know you're all grown-up, but I will always think of you that way.
Hello, Catherine.
Hey, you! Mom.
I don't know why I'm so excited.
It's only been a couple of weeks since I've seen you.
Ryan comes to visit me every single month.
That's nice.
Who's your friend? Oh.
This is Andre, my date for the night.
Hands off, Desdemona.
Actually, I'm the caretaker assigned to accompany your mother tonight.
It's complicated.
It's not complicated at all.
I'm gonna wait in the car.
No, no.
Come in.
It's Christmas.
I'm a Buddhist.
- Sorry about that! - I don't know why your father feels like he has to apologize for me.
It's not like I'm his property anymore.
Your mother's right, Ryan.
Andre wasn't at all uncomfortable when she said they were dating.
He's probably running out to the car to get the engagement ring.
Somebody wants to see his Grammy and Pop-pop.
It's my little Joff muffin.
Oh! Careful with his head.
Oh, but my whole plan was to let his little neck bend all the way back.
Oh, I got you, Joffrey.
Oh, you're not a Pez dispenser, are you? Be careful, Joff muffin, once Pop-Pop gets you in his loving clutches, - he will never let you go.
Like, never.
- Oh! Look at him smile.
It's so cute, right? Uncle Ryan knows all about getting caught in Pop-Pop's loving clutches, doesn't he? What is that? Merry Christmas, everybody! You're not supposed to be here.
Well, you said Wilfred wasn't allowed at your dinner, but you didn't say anything about Santa's reindeer! That is so cute, Ryan! Who's the pretty girl? Girl? Do you not see this penis right here? Uh, no, that's actually a gumdrop stuck on my fur.
His name is Wilfred.
I'll just put him back in the other room so he won't be a distraction.
Oh, no, no, no, let Wilfred stay.
He's not hurting anybody.
Well I guess it wouldn't be Christmas without Wilfred.
Now that's the spirit.
Look at him go! Oh, man, getting tangled up in Christmas lights is a workout.
Okay, that is not ice-cold Gatorade.
I should not have done that.
Your dad is exactly how I pictured him: pure evil.
He even looks like Michael Vick.
Actually, he's been surprisingly okay tonight.
Listen, I- I've been thinking.
You were right.
Christmas is a time for family and yuletide joy.
Cut the figgy pudding.
I know you're only using me to distract your parents from fighting.
Well, then why are you still playing along? I'm not playing along.
I keeps it Christmasy, Ryan.
So, are you going to keep keeping it Christmasy? Sure.
I'll give you the gift of keeping mom and dad jolly.
But in return, I want something from you.
The gift of being part of your family.
That's it? Sure.
Oh, mm-mm.
The meds.
Ooh, Ryan, is that a cabernet? Because, you know, Dad only drinks Bordeaux.
I picked up bottle this morning.
The one in the kitchen? The 2003? Not a good year? No I can get you a beer instead.
I'm fine, pumpkin.
Pumpkin? Okay, just so I understand, your dad nicknamed his daughter after the scent of her vagina? Cool! Ah, thanks, Mom! Can you, uh, toss us the butter as well, please? Should we be feeding the dog human food? Okay, Henry.
I don't think we should be taking dog advice from your father.
Why is that? Um, maybe because you used to kick Sneakers.
I didn't kick him, Catherine.
I shoved him gently with my foot to teach him not to beg just like the trainer taught us.
Uh, okay.
I guess I-I should have let him drink strawberry milk instead of water so he'd have terrible, chronic gas.
You did that? That's so beautiful.
Oh maybe you just didn't take to Sneakers because he wasn't obedient enough.
He didn't follow commands.
Speaking of Sneakers remember that one Christmas when Sneakers snuck downstairs and ate all of Santa's cookies? Shit! Go, Sneakers.
Was that that same Christmas that Ryan got that electric guitar he wanted? Oh, no.
He didn't get the guitar.
What did you give him, Henry? Oh, yeah.
An engraved Tiffany pen.
A pen.
Track 12.
Hey, how about some music? Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la It's like he's trying to sing.
Uh, was Oates trying? Hey, careful.
We're taking a family photo after dinner, and you know how easily you get droopy drunk face.
Family photo.
I'm assuming I'll be in it, uh, since I'm part of the family? Ryan, he already ruined Joffrey's photo with Santa.
I know, but it'd mean a lot to me.
We'll take two photos.
But you know what would mean a lot to me? If you didn't have wine mouth right now.
Sorry I'm late.
I was deciding between this and a leather harness, but, honestly, the harness seemed a little too S&M-y for Christmas.
Are we-we good to go? Okay, we're gonna take one official family photo, and then, one weird random photo for Ryan's neighbor's dog that I'm going to delete the second after I e-mail it to Ryan.
I'm not in the official family photo? It's okay.
Don't worry, Ryan.
Ryan, your log still burns bright.
Ryan? You're gonna love it.
I use mine every day.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
Looks like there's one more gift under the tree.
"To the Newman family.
" Who's it from? Ooh! A mystery gift.
Oh, yeah.
Shall I open it? Mm-hmm.
Look at that.
The whole family.
All together.
Why are you smirking like that? Wait.
Is this from you? What? Okay.
I get it.
That's me, crazy Catherine, standing between you and your perfect little family, tearing it apart.
Catherine, I didn't do it.
Okay, well, you are the one that tore this family apart, Henry, because you're the one who made me crazy! Catherine, please, calm down.
Uh, hey, look, look, Wilfred's playing with the, um Mm, I will not stand by and let you do to Ryan what you did to me! Ryan, I think we should get your mother's nurse.
Tell them, Ryan.
Tell them how how-how he broke you down so-so you didn't even feel human anymore, and how you how you felt like the only way out was was to just take your own life Mom, enough! Shut up! All you've been doing all night is-is bringing up the past and starting shit with Dad.
This was supposed to be a special night to celebrate Joffrey's first Christmas with his family, and now you've completely ruined it! So much for your Christmas spirit.
What are you talking about? Just 'cause you weren't allowed in one photo, you had to sabotage Christmas with that drawing? Of course not, Ryan.
Sure, I was hurt, but I put that under the tree before anyone even arrived.
It was an actual gift meant to thank you all for letting me be part of your family tonight.
How was I supposed to know any of that was gonna happen back there? In any normal family, a drawing like that would have brought everyone together.
Yeah, well, with a Mom like Catherine, this is what happens.
Come on, Ryan.
You know tonight wasn't your mom's fault.
Then whose? My dad's? He's been nothing but calm and polite.
It's my mom who's been starting everything.
So you haven't noticed him pushing her buttons all night? Apologizing to her nurse for her? Criticizing the way she holds Joffrey or the way she fed me? Smirking at the drawing? The guy's a manipulative bully.
But what does he have to gain? What he's always wanted: control over you.
I mean, it's obvious how close you and your mom have gotten.
He had to find a way to tear you apart.
I mean, this whole night has been yet another giant manipulation, Henry Newman style.
Kristen and the nurse are with your mother.
It's been a while since I've seen her this bad.
I hope she's okay.
Do you? Or-or maybe you've been taunting her all night, trying to get a rise out of her.
Maybe you wanted this to happen.
Of course not.
Tonight was a mistake.
I- I never should have agreed to see you again.
Not until I was ready to tell you how I really feel.
Ryan, if you need to say something I've needed to say something to you for the last 20 years.
I became a lawyer before you even let me consider what I might actually want to do with my life.
I never meant to force you into anything.
You could have always told me the truth.
And disappoint you? No, no.
I saw firsthand what happens to people who disappoint you.
I saw what happened to Mom.
Ryan Working for you was so toxic.
Do you want to know why I quit? Because I knew that if I stayed there any longer, it'd kill me.
It nearly did.
What are you saying? I tried to kill myself.
Oh, my God.
I I don't know what to say.
Look, I swear, I wasn't trying to provoke your mother tonight.
But everything you said about your experience at the firm is probably true.
Ryan, if I'd known my behavior would have this effect on you, that it would push you to However I need to change I'll change.
I just can't go another two years without you in my life.
Newman, if you don't open the door right this second, then no more Wasabi Funyuns in the rec room.
All right, that shit's on you.
You know you're gonna want 'em.
Can I give it a try? Good luck.
Mom, it's Ryan.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that you ruined Christmas.
I don't actually think that.
Mom, are you listening? You don't have to apologize.
It's my fault.
After all these years, I just still haven't figured out how to not let your father get to me.
I know how you feel.
Ryan, Ryan, this is the greatest Christmas gift anyone's ever given me.
You're welcome.
Just get over there before Kristen changes her mind.
Where's Dad? I don't know, but I do know where Santa is! You can come out now! Santa's here? Oh, shit is about to get real! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Oh, no! Wilfred! - Get him outside! - Oh! Dripping on the stairs.
Oh! Despite the drama, it was a good Christmas.
And I feel like maybe my dad and I can finally-- I don't know-- start over.
So you believed him? What do you mean? Maybe your dad upset your mom because he knew you'd confront him and reconcile.
That way, he gets you back in his clutches.
No, I can't think like that anymore.
By the way, so annoying that I got that stomach virus right before I was about to rip out that Santa bitch's weave.
Listen, I-I think it's time someone told you the truth.
Santa isn't real.
What? Because no one else can see him, that means he isn't real? No glass allowed at Clouds.
Thanks, and namaste.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
You, too.
We never did find out where that came from tonight, did we? Oh.
Um, well, actually, it-it was from me.
I found it in a box of my old things from when I was a kid.
Well, this isn't your drawing.
You were a little more spontaneous than that.
At least until your father stomped your imagination to death.
Then, who drew it? Kristen.