Wilfred s03e10 Episode Script

Distance

Here's to surviving the holidays.
To Bloody Marys.
And pumping and dumping.
Right, my little buzzy wuzzy buzzkill? Dad said you guys are ironing things out.
Yeah.
Trying to, at least.
Looks like Christmas wasn't such a bad idea after all.
You're welcome.
God, this drawing almost ruined everything.
It's weird.
Mom said it was yours, but I swear I remember drawing it.
No.
No, she's right.
That's one of my drawings.
Yeah.
Um, are you gonna let Wilfred in? He's just gonna keep scratching if you don't.
I'm gonna pee.
What are you doing? Just letting the world know what a versatile guy you are.
"A little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll"? So, what did Kristen say - about the drawing? - I was just asking her about it when you interrupted me.
I'm gonna have to sand and repaint this.
Dude, it's a compliment.
I'm basically saying you're Kid Rock.
My cab's here.
I'm gonna get a bikini wax, and I want to still be a little buzzed when the lady rips it.
Uh, oh, hey, real quick.
Um, I-I was just wondering.
Who's that character? Oh! That's Mr.
Floppy Ears.
It was just a silly imaginary character I used to draw.
Oh.
H- How'd you come up with him? I don't know.
I probably made him up.
It's what most kids do.
Kind of reminds me of Wilfred.
You know, you talk about Wilfred more than most people talk about their neighbors' dogs.
- I guess I just - Nobody talks about their neighbors' dogs, Ryan.
Thanks.
What? It's not finished.
"Ryan is a little bit chiseled.
" It's true.
You look good.
Have you been working out? Oh.
It's for my Instagram.
If all my friends don't see a photo of every single meal I eat, they'll probably start to think I'm weird.
Although, since Jenna and Drew cut me off from people food, it's pretty much been the same photo.
So Kristen was a dead end, huh? Pretty much.
I mean, she thinks she drew the drawing.
"Mr.
Floppy Ears.
" Then again, I saw myself doing it in my memory from therapy.
Well, maybe it would help to give it a rest for a while.
You know, distract yourself.
We could play a game.
Um"Balderdash"? "Scattergories"? You think that would help? Well, it's like the pill in the cheese.
Once a month, Jenna wraps these heartworm pills, which I hate, in cheese, which I love.
I could never solve the problem of how to eat the cheese but not the pills.
Until one day, I go outside and I have a little game of Growly Stick Tug with Drew.
I come back in, and then suddenly inspiration struck.
What did you do? Well, I started stashing the pills between my lips and gums.
That's disgusting.
I just wish there was some other way to get more information about that drawing.
Nice.
I already got 17 likes on my latest Instagram.
All my peeps are bugging out 'cause now they know what my meal looked like.
Your peeps? Wilfred, you don't have any Bruce.
What about Bruce? He's known you for a long time, right? Plus, he's a part of this.
Wh-What if he knows something? No, Ryan, Bruce cannot be trusted.
He's a snake.
Well, sure, he's a little shady, but N- No, I mean he's literally a snake.
You know, like a hissing, slithering snake.
What snake thing is that? You know, when you catch a snake and you try to eat it but it bites the inside of your mouth and it makes your cheek swell up.
Like No.
- And I've seen Bruce.
He's definitely not a snake.
- Oh.
Because snakes don't walk around on two legs and have opposable thumbs and talk to you.
Kind of like dogs, right? But most importantly, have you ever seen Bruce alone in a room with a mongoose? Stop playing mind games with me.
What if I started messing with your head? Oh, my Oh I'm sorry.
That is the cutest thing I've ever heard.
You are adorable! I'm the master of mind games.
That's what I do.
No one mind-rapes people like I do, least of all Shit, there's someone at the front door.
Okay, that is the weirdest thing ever.
There's no one there, but clearly there was a knock on the front door.
There's someone at the door again.
Ryan? Bruce? Shit.
Well, it's quite a surprise, you just showing up out of the blue like this, Ryan.
Sorry, I-I just thought What? That I had murdered an elderly couple? Was living in their house, cashing their Social Security checks? I mean, I get it, Ryan.
I mean, I give off that vibe, don't I? No.
Deb and her daughter have taken me in like family.
Hey, they look nice.
They are nice.
They're away at a Christian retreat this weekend.
If you're here to visit, your shoes have to come off.
Deb's rule.
I got your address off of Wilfred's phone.
I was actually surprised that we live so close to each other.
Did Wilfred send you over here? H- He doesn't know I'm here; I swear.
Well, he must've really pissed you off, huh? Let me guess.
He had you kick your cousin's kid in the face with a running start, didn't he? What? No.
He didn't have me do that either.
Look, I- I tracked you down because I have some questions.
I- I was hoping that we could Is this crayon-related? Yeah.
I knew this day was gonna come, Ryan.
Are you familiar with the concept of wormholes? Like time travel? Yeah.
Like time tr You know what? I think I've said too much already.
This is a bad idea.
I think you should leave.
No, no.
No, I-I need to know.
H- How long has Wilfred been in my life? Why is he in my life? Are you sure you're ready for those answers, Ryan? Yes.
Well, there's gonna be a price.
I want Wilfred's testicles.
Really? Look, you know as well as I do that Wilfred's aggressive.
He won't stop till he gets what he wants, usually at our expense.
He's a bad dog.
Bad dog! And how do you take a dog's aggression away? Isn't there something else I could I want his balls, Ryan.
What are you reading? Um Eyes up here, mate.
Just reading an article.
Sorry.
Pardon me.
Pardon.
Whoa.
Can you just move?! Hey.
What's going on? Are you okay? I went and saw Bruce.
Damn it, Ryan! I told you he's bad news! I'm sorry.
B- But, listen I- I think he might actually know something about you and me.
Something big.
How big? Like"where you came from" big.
And I assume that dirty prick wants something in return for it.
Yes.
A- And I should've told you earlier.
And-and I swear, I- I was never actually gonna do anything.
Spit it out.
Spit it out, mate.
He wants your testicles.
The family grape seeds? Okay.
Well, if it's balls Bruce wants, then it's balls Bruce shall have.
Are you familiar with Vincenzo's Gourmet Meats? That place on Rose? They make a specialty meatball that happens to look identical to a dog testicle.
Tender veal, ground pork sausage, slivers of fried garlic and the slightest hint of paprika.
Mmm.
They sound delicious.
It doesn't matter what they taste like.
All that matters is what they look like.
Stop it! This is just another one of your mind games.
What are you talking about? You saw how focused I was on the drawing, so you got Bruce to trick me into thinking he could help.
All because Jenna stopped letting you eat people food.
If I was working with Bruce, why wouldn't I just ask Bruce to buy the meatballs for me? Oh, wait, I'm sure you have the perfect explanation for that, too.
Uh, because Bruce and I are both banned from Vincenzo's.
Yeah, that's it.
Mate I'm on your side.
And I'm telling you, I know Bruce.
And I know my testicles.
This will work.
Hmm.
So I'm thinking we should maybe get three meatballs.
You know, in case we drop one.
Why not four? Totally.
Better to be safe than sorry.
Maybe we should just get a dozen.
Dude, seriously, it's like you're reading my mind right now.
By the way, this is the longest way ever to Vincenzo's.
Wait, we're not near Vincenzo's.
Ryan, what's going on? Sorry, Wilfred, but this is the only way.
Ryan?! Ryan! Ryan! You weren't kidding.
- He's a handful.
- Ryan! He put up quite a fight at first.
But after we sedated him, the ear cleaning couldn't have gone smoother.
Thanks, Doctor.
Who's the master of mind games now? Shh What's happening? Shh.
Oh.
You're okay, Wilfred.
Shh.
No.
No, no, no! No! It was the only way, Wilfred.
Well, I couldn't risk missing out on answers-- the answers-- for some meatball switcheroo.
Ryan, you idiot, there were never any answers! But Bruce said Bruce was lying! He was in it for the meatballs, same as me! Vincenzo banned us from the deli, just like I told you sarcastically.
Oh, my beautiful, little poppy seeds.
Wilfred, listen, I How could you do this to me? I mean, sure, Bruce and I were mind-gaming you, but this is worse than anything I ever did to you.
I know.
That-that's why I And I've done some awful, awful things to you.
Registering you as a sex offender in the state of Oregon? Putting fake blood stains on the ass of your shorts just before you go bike riding? You have done some awful, awful things to me.
But this! Everything else pales in comparison.
I know.
I'm really sorry it turned out this way.
No, it's okay.
Now that I have no balls, it's kind of hard to stay angry at you.
I've heard that some dogs, once they're neutered, they start to change.
Do you think I will change? It's possible.
Oh! God, I hate it when I get like this.
My emotions are just, like, all over the place.
No, no, no.
The doctor said to wait at least 24 hours.
Oh, shit! I forgot this toy store was here.
Sorry.
God, it must be tough to look at all these fresh, untouched stuffed animals now that your sex drive's gone.
I- I'd take you inside, but This bag is majorly cute, Ryan.
I can totally see you carrying that with my head sticking out the top of it.
Hey, you! You look good.
Did you lose weight? We're totally hanging out for brunch soon, okay? She is so fat.
Wilfred, don't you want to check out that toy store back there? Uh, yuck! My ears are, like, totally having a bad moment.
Okay, I really think you should come see that store.
Wow.
Seriously, it's moments like this that I'm glad I no longer have testosterone.
Men are from Mars.
Everyone knows store lighting can't be trusted, especially when you have a non-traditional figure.
So, try it on now.
Ew, I'm not changing in front of you.
Wilfred, I have to tell you something.
Wait.
Come tell me if you think this sweater is totally fierce.
And be honest! Wilfred? Oh, fabulous.
You're awake.
So All numbed up, are we? What the hell is going on?! Shh, relax.
See, the thing is, well, as you know, I've changed.
For the better, I think.
But you're still the same old macho, manly man.
And if we're gonna stay best friends, well I'm sorry, Ryan.
Wilfred, let me go! We're gonna be such bitches! No, no, no, no, no! Wilfred, I didn't really have you neutered! Everything you're feeling, is only psychosomatic! But you did have my ears cleaned, which is bad enough.
Wait.
So, you Of course I knew.
I warned you, Ryan.
Never try to mind-game the master.
Not to mention, pretending to neuter your best friend? That's like the worst thing a guy can do to another guy.
Not cool! But you started it! It doesn't matter! You punched me in the nuts! Which reminds me.
Oh, come on! You got me harder than I got you! Aah! Oh, what is this, a dick punch fight? Oh, God! Oh! Look at us, Ryan.
At each other's throats, messing with each other's heads.
How did it come to this? Or more importantly, who would want it to come to this? Bruce.
Bruce.
God, it all makes sense.
He knew we'd start mind-gaming each other.
I bet he's laughing his ass off right now.
So, this was all just a game.
He totally played us.
Not yet.
This game's not over.
Come on in, Ryan.
I'm surprised you got here this soon.
We got to do this quick.
Deb just ran out to get Tammy at oboe practice.
They're coming back here, we're gonna watch Biggest Loser together.
Are you okay, buddy? Oh, Wilfred and I sort of had a little fight.
Did you now? Wow.
That's a shame.
Two amigos fighting like that.
Well, here they are.
I got them.
I didn't think you had it in you, Ryan.
Whoa! You be sure and tell Wilfred he can come over here any time he wants and take a look at these.
Actually there was a complication with the surgery.
What kind of complication? He He didn't make it.
Bullshit.
No, no, no, no.
Wilfred can't die, Ryan.
That's not how this works! But you you wanted to hurt him, right? You said he was a bad dog.
Yeah.
Hurt him.
I didn't want him killed! Oh, my God.
Don't you get it? Without Wilfred, I got no purpose! Oh, my God! I'm nothin'! Well, at least you have Deb and Tammy.
Deb and Tammy-- shit! I can't believe it! Goddamn it! This is over.
It's over.
Holy shit! Bruce! Oh, Jesus.
No! No! No! No! Hi, Ryan.
Boom! Mind-gamed, bitch! Gotcha! You're insane! Uh, insane in the membrane.
Yeah.
You know what? I can't believe you made fun of me for taking that special effects class at the Learning Annex.
You guys are psychopaths.
No! No, it was just a prank, Ryan.
When Wilfred told me that you were gonna try and put one over on me, I couldn't resist.
I even got him to buy the meatballs after all.
I do love me some Vincenzo's meatballs.
I thought you were my friend, Wilfred.
I am your friend.
That's why I had to teach you a valuable lesson.
Never try and mind-game the masters of mind games.
You cannot win.
What's the matter, Wilfred? Does it taste a little nutty? N- No.
But there's no way you? Stole a pair of dog testicles from the biological waste bin at the vet earlier today 'cause I figured you'd double-cross me? No, I couldn't possibly do that.
How could I mind-game the masters of mind-games? Let me get this straight.
I'm not gonna be dining on Vincenzo's gourmet meatballs today? Goddamn it! I went through all this shit for zero meatballs?! Get the hell out of my house, Ryan! Get out of my house, Wilfred! Get out! Take that damn dog testicle with you.
Ryan, I've got to say, I was impressed back there.
Good game.
You're not mad at me for making you eat a dog testicle? Well, actually, it was tastier than one might think.
I swiped the other one on my way out.
I'm saving it for later tonight.
Oh, shit! Did I leave that on for three days? I'll admit, it was nice to get away from this for a while.
Games are always a good distraction.
Uh, it's Kristen's drawing, but I saw myself making it.
I saw myself drawing the blue barn.
Well, may-maybe that's all I drew, but why would I? Oh, I can't find anything on the symbol.
Have you learnt nothing, Ryan? I mean, how did you even find it in the first place? You need some distance.
Serious question: If you knew that you could get away with it, would you rape someone? No.
Of course not.
You know, I'm like-like talking about, like, say, if you knew there was, like, zero chance that you could get caught, like, would you rape someone? Under no circumstance would I ever do that.
Nah, me, neither.