Wilfred s03e11 Episode Script


Here, boy.
Ryan! Ryan, help me! Water! Water! Oh! Oh! Oh Oh.
Oh, man, my penis is in bad shape right now.
I can barely stand up straight.
That glory hole shit out there that was beautiful.
Pussy without a name or face or personality is the perfect kind of pussy.
I think Anne wants to move out.
Really? Well, I have managed to lick off every morsel of biological detritus her body has to offer.
So maybe it's time.
No, it sucks.
We get along great.
She hasn't threatened my relationship with you, plus her rent has given me the time to figure out what I actually want to do with my life.
Now I'm gonna feel all this pressure to get a job right away.
You know, sometimes pressure's a good thing.
I've been pressured into every job I've ever had.
I'm just gonna end up doing something I hate.
Okay, so we already know you don't want to be an evil-type lawyer again.
So let's start from there.
Wait-- I thought you hated the idea of me getting a job.
Under normal circumstances, sure.
But you're stuck in a rut.
And I'm worried about you.
True or false? Last Wednesday, you went online and purchased a Lego do-it-yourself medieval market village.
So what? Legos are not for adults! I canceled the order.
All you do is sit around and sleep and eat.
Yeah, and I also roll around in goose shit.
Look, I'm already in touch with a recruiter.
I'm gonna set up a meeting right now.
If you're on the Legos Web site, you are a creepy man-child.
Oh, you're burning down! That was awesome! Oh, my God.
You were right.
Those fitness games I was playing are boring as shit compared to "The Haunted Catacombs of Gjorganthaal.
" See?! What? Wait-- why are you pausing it? Didn't you have to be somewhere at 2:00? Yeah, I was supposed to meet with this recruiter, but I rescheduled it.
My résumé needs some tweaking I hope you didn't reschedule it for Monday, because I have a surprise.
I'm treating us to massages.
It's just a thank you for being my date to Erica's dinner party last week.
It would have been super depressing being the only single person there.
Yeah, I'm-I'm not sure I can Now don't worry! I'm still working the Internet dating sites.
And as soon as I find a guy who's not making that annoying squinty sex face in his profile picture, you're off the hook.
No, no, no, it's not that.
I just don't think I can make the massage.
I should probably stick with this job hunt for a while until I get something.
Really? Bummer.
Kind of enjoyed being "funemployed" together.
Yeah, well, I found out Anne's looking for a new place.
And there's no way I can pay the bills without her rent.
Why is she leaving? You haven't asked her? If I were you, I'd do whatever it takes to keep her there.
You're right.
I'll talk to her.
Good morning.
So, um I- I-I don't know how to ask this without asking.
Are-Are you thinking of moving out? Okay, I was gonna tell you eventually.
You know how my boyfriend's in jail for head butting his aunt? I- I didn't know those details.
Well, before he got sentenced, he made this, like, investment for when he got out.
He bought this purebred English bulldog to start a breeding business.
His mom's watching Phil, that's the dog's name, but she's moving to Boston, so offered to take the dog.
And I just figured with Wilfred around, two dogs in the house would just make your life crazy.
No! No, no, no! Not at all.
Really? Seriously, it's not a problem.
Phil is totally welcome to come live here.
Oh, my God, that is so awesome! If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would totally suck your nuts right now.
So, just when I finally neutralized the Jelly Beans threat, you invite this bulldog to come and live with us?! There's only so much dog poon to go around! And you know this Phil guy's gonna be creeping up on the neighborhood glory hole! That shit is locals only! It's, like, go back to the Val, kook! Wilfred, you don't even live here-- you're my guest.
Anne has a right to have guests, too.
What the hell are you doing?! Drawing a line in the sand.
Phil can stay on his side, I'll stay on my side.
Wilfred, stop! Fine.
Then I suppose I'll have to resort to more drastic measures.
Wait-- what are you gonna do? I'm gonna get my squeaky ball and leave it on the living room floor where Phil can see it.
Then, when our little friend goes to play with it, I'll simply snatch it back.
Guess I can't stop you.
Welcome to your new home! Hey.
So this must be Phil.
Why is he wearing a diaper? Phil's short for "Phyllis.
" So She's in heat right now.
I didn't know till I picked her up.
So we should keep her and Wilfred apart.
You know how crazy male dogs get when they smell a bitch in heat.
Is this still cool with you? 'Cause if not, I can totally What? No, no, no, no! Of course, it's totally cool.
I really appreciate this, Ryan.
Don't worry about it.
Like I said, it won't be a problem at all.
Oh, my God she's beautiful, Ryan.
Sculpted by the hands of angels.
You didn't even see her.
I didn't have to.
I'm in love.
I know it might sound foolish When I write to you this song But the rings of love from heaven Washed away all that was wrong Because looking at you is like drinking a moonbeam In the darkness of my lonely night And the sun from your heart is shining down on me, baby All right? And I'm dreaming of you tonight.
Sorry; the music just kind of poured out of me.
I guess that's what happens when love slaps you around like a little ho.
I can't wait for Phyllis to hear it.
It's not gonna happen, Wilfred.
Look, I know you're worried, 'cause now I'm in love, we're not gonna hang out as much.
But you've always been my best friend.
Which is why I'd like you to have this.
It's my little black book.
I won't be needing it anymore.
Are these urine stains? Contact information from my former slut stable.
I was a different dog then.
Which reminds me.
I no longer have any use for my vampire dick sucker.
Oh, Fangsy, we really had ourselves quite a time.
Where is Phyllis? Locked up in Anne's room, where you can't get to her.
Ryan, no door can stand in the way of love.
Unless it's, like, a door-door.
Does it have a doorknob? Dude! Wilfred, you're not in love.
You're just responding to her pheromones.
And you're just tearing us apart, so you can keep Anne as a cash cow.
Phyllis is in heat, and you're an unneutered male dog.
You could get her pregnant.
And the only litter that she's supposed to have is with another purebred bulldog.
Are you saying that my moonbeam and the darkness of my lonely night is promised to another? Sort of.
Anne's boyfriend's a breeder.
But that's insane! If it's another bulldog, then he could be her brother or her cousin or a distant uncle at best! How would you feel if that's how humans were forced to procreate?! It's different.
We're human.
Okay, may-maybe maybe that came out wrong.
You're a Nazi! You're a goddamn Nazi! Don't you even try to get between us, Ryan.
You can't stop love! Love is a freight train comin' down the track You can't stop it 'cause you can't Turn your back on love Love is a wrecking ball! Oh, Phyllis, your kisses taste so sweet and your pores smell like corn chips.
Oh, my deep tissue is thanking the shit out of you right now.
Glad you found it relaxing.
By the way, you two make a really cute couple.
Why did you tell the masseuse we're a couple? 'Cause the couple's massage came with a free bottle of wine.
So, how'd it go with Anne? Great.
I talked to her like you said and we worked everything out.
To "funemployment.
" So what do you want to do tonight? Korean barbeque or we Oh, shit.
Is it Monday? I'm supposed to go with Jessica to a party tonight at some rich ophthalmologist's house.
I guess it's remotely possible I could meet someone.
No worries.
We'll hang out later.
I'm gonna get dressed and head home for a long nap.
So, how are you feeling today? It's weird.
I woke up and I don't know how to explain it, but something deep in my heart had changed.
It's like all the love I felt for Phyllis is now suddenly gone.
That does happen sometimes.
You can fall out of love just as quickly as you fell into it.
Huh, you know, I don't even care if she ends up with another bulldog.
Hell, maybe they'd be better off together.
Well breeding is done for a reason.
Mating a purebred with another purebred keeps things pure.
I got to admit, now that my mind is no longer lost in the fog of love, it's starting to make sense.
I mean, you mix up the breeds, who knows what you're gonna get? Exactly.
Like, take Joffrey here.
Wait - What? - Well, he-he's the product of a white mother and a Mexican father.
He's a mutt, just like me.
It's different with people, Wilfred.
Joffrey's fine.
Joffrey and I are both mongrels.
We're mistakes.
Now, I-I wouldn't say you're No, no, no, you're totally right.
Just imagine a world where all of the bloodlines were kept pure-- a perfect world where there were no mistakes.
That's that job recruiter.
You going to that meeting with her tomorrow, right? I don't know.
I mean, now that Anne's staying, what's the rush? Ryan, if this whole Phyllis ordeal has taught me anything, it's that it feels good to move on with your life.
On to bigger and better things.
Hendler-Greer specializes in green energy and they're looking for a junior partner.
Well, actually I'm sort of leaning towards nonprofit.
Well, have you heard of New Horizons? They're a nonprofit that provides legal counsel for victims of domestic abuse.
Yeah, that-that sounds great.
But I worry that it's a little too outside of my area of expertise.
Sorry, I I guess I'm kind of a challenge.
It's okay.
I like a challenge.
I'm sure, if we work together long enough, I'll find something that'll pique your interest.
Uh I- I don't understand.
Are you ready to get your dick sucked, Ryan? Oh! Wh-What's going on? I've been doing a little pure-breeding of my own, mate.
I think I'll name your baby Rysten.
Wilfred! Get back here! Shit.
It's Kristen, leave a message.
Hey, uh, I-I don't know if you're still taking your nap, but I'm gonna be in your neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by.
See you soon.
Kristen! Kristen, where are you? I'm at your place.
My place? When I couldn't find my phone, I realized I must've left it here earlier today.
Or perhaps someone stole it.
Wilfred's there? Yeah, he was here when I came in.
Breeding a brother with his sister can only result in perfect Get away from him, Kristen.
I'll be right there.
Hey, Ryan.
Wilfred, get out of there.
Ow! What are you doing? Uh, I have to take him out.
Please, tell me you didn't do it.
You mean extract your semen and inseminate your sister so she can give birth to a purebred Newman? Of course I didn't.
I'm not that sick and twisted.
I just wanted you to think I would, so you can see what it's like to almost get bred.
What?! Why? All that fear and disgust you just felt? That's exactly what Phyllis is feeling.
Instead of being with the one dog she actually cares about-- me.
We should be making tender, passionate love right now, stuck ass-to-ass with my dick bent backwards between my legs in excruciating pain under the stars.
What? I thought you were over Phyllis.
What? Because of this? You knew? How? I went on your iPad to change my relationship status to "It's complicated," and I saw the Web site on your browser.
So you knowingly tortured me 'cause you still think you're in love? For the last time, I am in love.
With someone who's destined to boned by her own family member.
So, what? Dogs don't care if they have sex with a relative.
Not if we don't get a say in the matter.
I chose to have sex with my sister and my aunt and my grandfather.
Making me think I've impregnated my sister isn't even in the same ballpark as dog breeding.
How did you come up with this insane plan? It's obvious.
I got it from Kristen.
Well, she's basically been playing house with you lately.
Treating her brother like her husband.
What are you talking about? She keeps using you as a crutch the same way you keep using Anne.
Phyllis! We will be together one day.
I promise! Hey.
I was thinking since I'm already here, we might as well order in; watch a movie.
Still haven't seen Django Unchained.
What? I-I thought you were going to that party with your girlfriends tonight.
I'll just cancel-- honestly I'm just not really in the mood to get dressed up and deal with that whole scene.
Yeah, I think you should go to that party.
Look, I know it must be hard.
After your divorce, getting back out there.
It's daunting, but I don't, I don't think it's good to, you know, become so dependent on this comfortable thing we've got.
I know.
You're right.
For what it's worth, I'm doing the exact same thing with this job search.
It's like what if I get rejected? What if I fail? But I guess, at a certain point, it's more dangerous to not move forward with your life.
Uh, is that a fanged blow job giver? Um So, I asked Anne to move out this morning.
I've been putting off getting a job for too long.
It's a good thing, mate-- trust me.
Although, as you know, if Phyllis leaves, then I'll have to leave with her, because I will follow her to the ends of the earth until the end of time.
Yeah, and I've been thinking.
Maybe some of what you said about breeding is true.
Thank you, Ryan; I appreciate that.
In good time, you, too, will see that Phyllis and I truly are soul mates, and that our love will one day transcend Oh, my God! Who is that disgusting pig-like creature? That's Phyllis.
No way.
That's a butter everything.
She's basically the dog version of Natalie from The Facts of Life.
I'm telling you, Wilfred, that's her.
Really? Yeah.
And, look, she's no longer wearing a diaper because she's probably no longer in heat which is why you're probably no longer in love.
No I just think she looks different in the daylight.
Again, I'm really sorry that it didn't work out with the dogs.
It just got a little too crazy with Wilfred.
Oh, I totally understand, Ryan.
It's for the best.
And Northern California will be nice, and I'll be closer to my boyfriend.
Well, his prison.
Take care.
You, too.
It's been fun.
There was a line at the glory hole.
And then this Chihuahua got stuck, and his whole body was just, like, dangling there.
Did I miss the good-byes? Yeah.
Well, I'm sure I'll see Anne again one day.
I look forward to meeting her future son, Andrew.
Andrew? Why would she name her son An drew?