Wilfred s03e12 Episode Script

Heroism

Hey, Ryan! Hey! Where you been, man? Uh, j-just went for a run.
No, I mean, like, in life.
Seems like we haven't seen your cool ass in, like, forever.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were avoiding us.
Well, I Hey! Hey! I thought I told you to stay off my property.
You've got a smart mouth and a bad attitude.
I know your mother! Yeah, that's right, walk away, bitch.
I just, uh I'm just yanking your junk, man.
I know you've been busy.
I know what you're thinking.
But we haven't bought anything yet.
We're just getting an estimate.
On the, uh home security system.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Jenna heard about a couple of recent break-ins in Venice.
And she's super nervous about it, even though they're not really that close to our neighborhood.
I think she's overreacting.
I mean, this thing could set us back at least a couple of G's.
Wow.
Hey.
You wouldn't mind talking to her, would you? I mean, just-just, you know, letting her know the neighborhood's safe and all.
Aw, well, I-I don't know what I could say that you haven't already said.
No, it'd mean more coming from you.
I mean, she thinks I'm only against the security system 'cause I'm a cheapskate.
Uh, okay, I guess if I, if I run into her, then I'll try and bring it up.
Ah, thanks, brochacho.
I'll see you later, man.
Yeah, now where you gonna go, you little AIDS of the sky? What wh-what are what are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ease up, chief! I don't want no trouble! It touched me! It touched me! It almost touched me.
I've got to toughen up.
I couldn't even intimidate that loitering wise-ass.
You know, I spoke to his mother, by the way.
You know what she said to me? "Why don't you find a real crime to solve, McGruff?" And you wonder where he gets it from.
Well, you don't have to worry about protecting your yard anymore.
Apparently, Jenna's thinking about installing a home security system.
Bite your tongue! A home security system to a dog is like the cotton gin to a slave.
It's an insult.
It says you're easily replaceable.
You know why they call us "watch dogs," Ryan? I have no idea.
No one does.
Point is, it's the duty of the household dog to heroically protect the property.
I don't get what the big deal is.
You know Howard from down the street? He got replaced by a home security system.
Guess what they call him now.
Howard the Dickhead.
That's because they think he's a coward.
Please, Ryan.
You've got to convince Jenna that she's overthinking all this security stuff.
Um in case you forgot, I sort of had feelings for her.
Look, I-I thought we agreed that it was better for everyone, especially Jenna, if I stayed away.
It's different this time.
Jenna really needs your help, mate.
No, you need my help.
You just don't want to look like a pussy in front of the neighborhood dogs.
Fine.
I'll handle this myself.
What are you gonna do? Like I said, if I want to be a real hero dog, then it's time to man up.
And I'm gonna do that through training, discipline and searching "hero dog" to see what that even means.
Ah, check it out.
This stud-muffin called 911 when his owner fainted.
Whoa! A cop dog.
Apprehended a mugging suspect.
Dragged a five-year-old kid out of a house fire.
And then a year later, saved his partner from a boring cocaine-free weekend by helping him seize two kilos of that good raw.
Whew.
Damn.
Well, well, well.
I see you're creeping out the back like a little vag to-- let me guess-- avoid Jenna? And I see you're literally tiptoeing into the back alley to-- let me guess-- avoid the pigeon in the front yard? Pigeon? There's three of them now.
And they're all strutting around, bobbing their heads to that black rapper music playing on their headphones.
Shit, let's get out of here.
You got to admit, all this sneaking around, this is no way to live.
I'm just trying to keep my distance.
I'm not sneaking around.
Well, I am.
And it's been hell.
Been so nervous, I haven't shit since yesterday morning.
Wilfred, you need to shit.
I'm fine.
Seriously.
Just try.
Ah, this could take awhile.
Would you mind grabbing us something to read? Like, uh, perhaps, uh, that impressive flyer that looks like someone spent a lot of time working on.
"Neighborhood watch"? What the hell? This says I organized it! Whoa! That is weird.
You did this.
This is just a stupid excuse to show how brave and heroic you are to the other dogs.
God, now all these people are gonna show up at my house.
Right now? You must be Ryan.
Yeah, um, I'm guessing you're here for the neighborhood watch meeting? Yeah.
I got to say, I'm-I'm thrilled about this.
'Cause, uh, my bike got swiped a couple weeks ago, and it's, like, I'm feeling like I'm not gonna take this crap anymore.
Right on, man.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Because I can't say things 'cause I'm a dog.
Uh-huh.
Well, look, the thing is Sorry I'm late! Oh, my God, Ryan, when I saw your flyer, I was like, this is perfect.
I've been so worried about the recent break-ins, and now we can actually do something about it.
Hi, I'm Jenna.
Alan.
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna go put these inside.
Hey, listen, man, um, I don't think I can participate in this anymore.
Thing is, I've had a huge hard-on for that Jenna chick, like, ever since she moved up the block from me.
And I just think the idea of walking around the neighborhood together, hanging out, sharing our thoughts, making each other laugh, getting closer it's just too much temptation.
I mean, she's married, right? I'm sorry, man.
I'm out.
I can't do it.
You coming? What happened to Alan? Maybe this was a bad idea.
You know, the-the turnout wasn't exactly what I expected.
I- I think we should just call it off.
What? No, this is a great idea, Ryan.
Property crime in Venice has increased by almost two percent in the last six months.
I mean, this is our chance to take back the neighborhood.
Just the two of us? If it's two determined people like you and me, then, yeah, we can do it.
Okay.
I'm in.
Besides, it won't just be the two of us.
Wilfy'll help! Oh.
Get on the ground! Thanks a lot.
Now I have to spend two hours a day with Jenna, one on one.
It's all for a good cause, Ryan.
Bear? Would you please do me the honor of pinning on my official canine enforcement unit badge? Hey.
Hey, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay, we promised, no tears.
Look, you knew what you were getting into before you got involved with me.
I'm a cop.
This is who I am.
Danger is just a part Wait, are you are you laughing? What do you mean you smell pussy? Where? Oh.
You know what? Call someone else the next time you need help.
How do I pin this thing on? Wilfred, don't.
No, it's okay, Ryan.
I've got this.
Relax.
Ryan? I think I think I made a mistake.
It hurts.
It it hurts.
It hurts.
I told you.
This really hurts.
All right, you mopes, you know the routine.
Up against the wall.
Look, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
You know what? Warning, warning, warning! You've all been issued warnings.
I hope you're proud of yourselves.
It's actually good we're doing this in the morning.
I read that most home invasions occur between the hours of Huh.
I saw on the police blotter last night that someone's garage was broken into less than a mile away from us.
And Drew thinks I'm being ridiculous for wanting a home security system.
Well, it's not like you've really needed one before, right? Listen, we were trying to keep this quiet, but it's you, so The reason I've been so concerned about the neighborhood lately is 'cause well, if Drew and I are gonna raise a family here, then I want to make sure it's safe.
You're pregnant? No, no.
Not yet.
But we just started trying.
W- We've talked about it a lot.
What we went through last time when we thought I was pregnant and We're ready now.
That's great.
I'm excited for you.
Thanks, Ryan.
God, it feels so good to finally share that.
I feel like I barely see you anymore.
I've missed this.
Hey! Jenna, Ryan! Hey, Margot.
Nice work.
What? I said, "Nice work.
" In your garden.
Wait, hang on, I'll come over.
Classic Margot-- couldn't hear death if it was knocking on her door.
Wilfred! No! Look out, bitch! I admit, it's possible I may have misjudged the situation by, like, 100%.
I'll do better next time.
There's not gonna be a next time.
You heard Jenna; you're done.
I'm off the force? I'm done, too, if it makes you feel any better.
I'm never gonna be like that cop dog.
I'm never gonna save anyone from a house fire or provide my partner with a weekend-long nose blizzard.
I assume you'll want me to turn in my badge.
I really don't care.
Goddamn it! Mm.
Oh, shit! Ryan! What the hell are you doing?! Making a sammich.
All right, fine.
I was staging a burglary so I could call 911 and become a hero.
Was punching me in the face part of your plan? I'm sorry.
I thought you were a real burglar.
You know, the way Jenna's been going on and on about all the recent break-ins.
Whoa! Ryan, are you okay?! Oh, my God.
This is the moment I've been waiting for.
You can do this.
Just concentrate.
You're a hero dog.
Okay, okay.
911.
All you have to do is press 911.
Five Shit! No, that's wrong! Five is not nine.
Okay, starting over.
Damn it! Ryan? Hello? Jenna.
Shit.
If she sees me here, she'll know I couldn't save you.
Ryan? Ryan? What happened?! I- I fell.
I heard a noise from my house, and then your door was open.
Oh, my God, you've been robbed! You seem good for the most part, but you could still could have a minor concussion.
Whoa! What happened? I think we've got all we need, Mr.
Newman.
We'll be in touch.
Thanks, Officer.
Don't worry.
In case it's a concussion, I'm gonna stay with you tonight.
Oh, Jenna, that's-that's not necessary.
Please.
How awful would I feel if, God forbid, something happened? Plus, Drew's in Phoenix for the night on business, so it's probably safer if we stay together anyway.
Come here, Wilfred! Yeah, I get it.
You want me close by for protection.
Oh, look how scared Wilfred is.
He's whimpering.
I'm not whimpering.
He probably senses that something bad happened.
Typical scaredy-cat Wilfy.
Who are you calling a goddamn scaredy-cat?! Aw, he's shaking.
I can't believe what's happening to this neighborhood.
I'm definitely installing that security system now.
I'm a complete failure.
My father was right about me when he looked me in the eye and said Maybe we should even get a panic room.
I've looked into it, and they're not that uncommon.
Sure, some of them are expensive, but you can't really put a price on your family's safety, right? Jenna, you know, I'm actually feeling better.
Maybe you should just take Wilfred and head home.
I hate keeping you awake like this.
Ryan, it's nothing.
And besides, what if the burglars come back? You're in no shape to protect yourself.
I've been taking these self-defense classes at Equinox, and I've gotten pretty good.
There are these certain pressure points on the side of your neck and then just below the ears.
And if you press on them Jenna, please! I don't need your protection.
I'm fine, really.
Are you sure? Because Yes, I'm sure.
I don't think I have a concussion.
I just want to get some sleep.
Please, just go home.
Oh, uh okay.
Dick.
A 2.
4 magnitude earthquake hit between El Segundo and Mar Vista at 10:00 a.
m.
this morning.
Rattled residents from Torrance to this Venice neighborhood What happened? Is everybody okay? We just woke up, and there was all this smoke.
Oh, my God! Wilfred? Wilfred! Wilfred! Wilfred! Wilfred, what did you do?! Apparently nothing.
I know you set that fire! It's true.
I wanted to save Jenna and Drew.
I wanted to be a hero.
But I couldn't even save myself.
You're insane! All this to impress the neighborhood dogs? It was never about the dogs, Ryan.
It was always for Jenna.
What, so she wouldn't get a security system? It was never about that either.
I don't believe you! Maybe you haven't noticed, Ryan, but Jenna's in a bad place right now.
All this obsession with neighborhood security, double-checking and triple-checking the door locks, she can't even walk from her car to the grocery store without clutching a can of pepper spray.
I thought I could make her feel safe.
You know what? Me, too.
I thought I was protecting her by staying away, but I should've been there for her.
Oh, my God.
Bear's still in there! Wilfred, no, no, no! Bear will be fine! That's what I'm worried about! When I was inside, I didn't lock Bear in the bedroom! If I don't go back in, Bear will live! Bear, don't live! I can't go on without you being dead! Somebody, please don't save bear! Okay, I'll see you soon.
Bye.
Drew says Wilfred's gonna be fine.
They're leaving the vet now.
Good.
Ryan, what you did for Wilfred I can't thank you enough.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's the only thing I could've done.
I should get out of your hair.
That Alan guy said I could stay at his place until Drew got back, so Jenna, stay.
I'm-I'm really sorry about the other night.
No, it's okay.
I was being pushy.
I've just been so worried about all this neighborhood crime stuff.
I mean, I don't want to raise a child in an unsafe environment.
Honestly, after all this craziness, maybe we should just put the baby stuff on hold for a while.
Till the neighborhood's safe enough? Or until we can afford to move somewhere less dangerous.
Jenna, do you think any neighborhood will ever feel safe enough? Oh, my God.
What's wrong with me? When I first heard I was pregnant, I felt depressed.
And then when it turned out I wasn't, I felt relieved.
And then ashamed because I felt relieved.
I- I always thought I wanted to be like my mom: perfect husband, huge family.
She was so disappointed when she heard I wasn't pregnant.
Well, when I was kid, my dad wanted me to be a lawyer.
Before I knew it, I was going to law school and working at his firm.
I was miserable, and I finally snapped.
And I went to a really dark place.
Happiness is hard to find.
Real, true happiness.
We got to try taking risks without second-guessing yourself or worrying about the consequences.
Otherwise, you'll never really know.
Uh You okay? Yeah.