Wilfred s03e13 Episode Script


How was the hotel? Good.
The house looks good.
Can't believe it only took them a week to repair the fire damage.
Listen, there's something that we have to talk about.
I have been through a range of emotions this past week.
First I was shocked, and then I was jealous.
Look, I I am the man of the house.
I'm the one who should've saved Wilfred from that fire, but instead, I just vag'd out.
I mean, thank God you were there, obviously, but I am so embarrassed and mad at myself.
Come on.
Don't-don't beat yourself up.
It was the middle of the night.
You were confused.
You were breathing in smoke.
If I had waited two seconds, I'm sure you would've sprinted in there.
Thanks for the devagification.
You're a good friend, Ryan.
Looks like somebody's happy to see you.
Welcome back.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Okay, you're obviously pissed off about something.
Jenna's having an affair, Ryan.
Look at her, acting all innocent, like she isn't cheating on Drew with some tramp, probably sharing plates of spaghetti that are actually just one long noodle.
Uh, we should talk.
Actually, I was just gonna take Wilfred to the dog park.
But It's the least I can do.
A- And the dog park closes at sunset.
W- We'll catch up soon, yeah? Cockaholic! A day or so after the fire, I smelled something on her, a scent I didn't recognize, a masculine perfumeyness.
Plus, her pheromones have been exploding all week.
She is swampy for this home-wrecker.
At first I thought it was you.
But then I thought about what you look like and act like and how you struggle with dandruff and stuff, and, honestly, I just burst out laughing.
Most importantly, you know my policy.
If anything happened between you and Jenna, I'd be forced to bite your genitals.
And by bite, you know I mean that thing where I kind of latch on and shake my head back and forth super fast.
You know that thing? Yeah.
I-I got it.
Uh D- Do you want to come in? No, um, I'm-I'm actually not gonna stay that long.
So, I-I've been thinking about what happened between us, and it was a horrible mistake.
So I think that it would be best if things went back to the way they were before.
I- I'm so glad you said that.
I feel the exact same way.
Am I late? No.
I got here early.
Didn't have much going on today.
Oh, uh, by the way, I, uh I- I watched that Good Will Hunting movie you recommended.
That Ben Affleck is something else.
So, Kristen tells me you recently lost your renter.
I-I've been interviewing for jobs, m- mostly at nonprofits.
I decided I want to do something that helps people, like maybe work with mentally ill prisoners who don't have access to good representation.
Those cases can be tough to litigate.
I guess it'll be a challenge, then.
Or you could always come back to the firm.
You're joking, right? It'd be different this time.
I've been talking to the other partners about setting up a pro bono division.
And I'd love for you to come back and manage it.
That doesn't sound like Goldsmith and Newman.
Like I said, for our sake, I'm willing to change.
Wilfred you've got to pick up your toys.
Too busy right now.
I'm in the midst of a rigorous investigation.
At 1:45 p.
today, Jenna went into the bank.
At 1:48 p.
, she walked out.
So, you see, there's a missing three minutes.
Just enough time for her to take a ride on some bank teller's moustache.
You know, maybe we should be putting our energy toward solving bigger mysteries, like We still don't know anything about this symbol.
What's the point? Kristen doesn't remember it.
We've researched everything from hieroglyphics to ancient mythology to aliens.
Maybe it's just a doodle.
This, on the other hand This is a bomb that needs to be defused now.
Are you okay? You seem kind of anxious.
No, it's just I had lunch with my dad today.
He offered me a job.
I have to admit, it-it sounds like maybe Ryan, do not fall for this.
I know things seem to be better between you and your dad right now, but don't forget, working for him is what made you get all kill-yourself-y in the first place.
You're right.
Oh, by the way, I came up with a plan to find out who Jenna's new bike seat is.
I leave a bouquet of flowers, a heart-shaped box of chocolates and an anonymous love note addressed to Jenna on her doorstep, then we just wait to see who she calls to thank.
I- I don't think that's such a good idea.
Yeah, I hear you, but on the other hand, you're wrong.
It's genius, and I already left the gifts there five minutes ago.
Ryan, I thought we agreed.
No, no.
It's not me.
Someone's pulling a prank.
Look, I know that I was the one who kissed you, but this isn't working.
Maybe it's because so much of your life revolves around us.
You don't have many other friends, you watch Wilfred all day Wait, have you only been doing that as a way to, like, get close to me? What? No, of-of course not.
Okay, it's obvious we can't hang out anymore, like, at all.
That goes for Wilfred, too.
What are you saying? I want you to stay away from him.
Wilfred! Did she call him yet? Go inside, Wilfred.
Get your filthy dick-mitts off me! Go inside now! Ryan, why is she acting like this? Ryan, what's happening?! Ugh, get this.
Arturo wants Joffrey to spend more time with the Ramos family so he can learn Spanish.
What's next, landscaping camp? Are you listening? This is important.
Ryan, who is this imposter? And why aren't you walking Ooh, Wilfred, look.
Do you see the squirrel on the grass? Ooh.
I see the squirrel, bitch! Oh, Dad, um, told me about the job offer.
It sounds tailor-made for you.
I'm gonna turn it down.
Seriously? Look, I know you and Dad have had your issues in the past, but it doesn't sound like there are other offers on the table.
At the very least, it'd get you out of this house.
Your life, it's so claustrophobic, Ryan.
I mean, all you do all day is hang out with that dog and get boners over your married neighbor.
Meet me out front.
Or, actually, meet me out the back.
Why the hell did you Shh.
Don't speak.
I just want to look at you for a minute.
So what's up, dude? N- Nothing.
You're the one who threw a brick through my window.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
I just didn't know how else to see you.
I've really missed you these last few days, mate.
I know.
I overheard Drew asking Jenna why you're not dog-sitting anymore.
She says you're a bad influence.
You don't discipline me, you let me eat people food, you're not masculine enough to be, like, a dog guy.
Well, she didn't actually say that last bit, but she kind of didn't have to.
Well, I-I guess I am pretty lenient with you.
She probably has a point.
It's bad enough she's joined the face-rodeo behind Drew's back, but now she won't let me see my best best friend.
Wilfy? Oh, shit.
Where are you, boy? I better get home.
So, uh I guess I'll see you around, huh? Wilfy! I just wish there was some way around this.
Come here, boy.
Ryan, what are you doing here? Look, I-I just wanted to let you know that I've decided to take a job.
We won't really be seeing each other.
I figured it'd be better that way.
Well, I-I appreciate that.
And since I won't be around much anymore maybe I could hang out with Wilfred sometimes after work.
Well, I don't think it would hurt if you took Wilfred to the dog park on the weekends.
Drew can bring him over.
It means a lot.
I'd heard some rumblings you might be rejoining us.
I just wanted to give the news to my father in person.
I don't give a shit if he's in a meeting! Get him out of the meeting! I can take another message.
I've left 1,000 messages! You know what? I'm just gonna wait in Hank's office until he can see me.
Anne? What are you doing here? Do you know my father? Yeah.
Security is on its way, ma'am.
You called security? Uh-huh.
Oh, eat ass.
Wait, wait! How do you know my father? You know what? Who gives a shit? Two weeks after I moved in, your dad asked me to spy on you.
What? I know.
It's a shitty thing to do, and I'm probably gonna go to hell for it, but he said he could pull some strings with the parole board to get my boyfriend out of jail early.
I can't believe this.
And then, like, a day before his hearing, the corrections officers bust him with one bag of heroin, and suddenly your dad's like, "Oh, there's nothing I can do.
" Wait, wh-when you say "spy" Just, like, observe you and report back to him, and then he had me put tiny surveillance cameras around your house.
W- Wait.
Ow! Ow! Wh-What did you tell him? You're hurting me! What did he see? What does he know?! Ryan.
Anne? You put cameras in my house? Sit down, Ryan.
What did you see on those cameras? I'll show you.
It's not gay.
It's funny.
It's edgy.
Wilfred, you put your penis in my mouth while I was asleep.
Then you took a picture of it and put it on a coffee mug.
What if someone were to see this? There's no one else in the house, Ryan.
It's just you talking to the dog.
I have hours of footage like that.
There's even one of you wearing a shock collar.
N- No, that I'm worried that if this continues, you'll end up doing serious harm to someone.
The dog, yourself.
Which makes me feel like you're not in a position to make right choices for yourself.
What does that mean? You can either spend some time in a treatment facility What? Or you can come work for me.
Ah, I get it.
You got Anne to dig up some dirt so you could blackmail me into working for you again.
Because why? Because you couldn't handle not controlling every little move I make? I- I know it looks that way.
It always looks that way.
It's like I said-- if you work here, it'll be different between us.
Oh, the pro bono job.
I-I actually believed that.
Ryan, I'm only trying to help you.
You know what? It's true.
I do talk to Wilfred.
He's the only one that's actually helping me.
Jenna's in the shower, so I've only got a few minutes.
I just heard the good news.
We're back, baby! Saturday afternoons between 2:00 and 4:00 p.
Hey, what's going on? My dad knows about us.
He knows everything.
He threatened to institutionalize me if I didn't come back to the firm.
Holy shit.
You were right, Wilfred.
I never should've trusted him again.
So what are you gonna do? I- I'm just gonna take off and get as far away from this shit as possible, live my own life.
I'm coming with you.
I've got nothing left here.
Jenna's turned into a real "Jizzed-on Jane.
" You really want to come with me? You're my best friend, Ryan.
I love you.
Of course I want to come.
What is that? I know that smell.
Uh, it's probably my ChapStick.
It was you.
Now, hold on, Wilfred.
It-it's complicated.
Your face is the saddle Jenna's been giddyupping on? No, no, no, no, no! It was only one kiss.
Wilfred, stop! - I'll eat your genitalia, bitch! - Ryan? Ryan? - Ryan! - You were supposed to be my best friend! I- I am! I didn't plan on it! She kissed me! Besides, it's-it's over now! Oh, God.
This is worse than I thought.
I'm taking you to get some help.
Let go, Wilfred! Let go! Bad dog! Stay away from me! You've got nothing to do with this! Ryan, you're not well.
You have to Whoa! Dad? Thanks for coming.
I appreciate it.
Of course, Ryan.
I'm sorry we can't stay long.
We've got Wilfred in the car.
I understand.
I feel horrible about this, mate.
You don't have to keep apologizing.
It was a total accident.
I only left my tennis ball there in the hopes that someone would, like, kick it down the stairs and I'd chase it down and bring it back up to them and then repeat that, like, I know.
It's okay, Wilfred.
I'm willing to forget about you and Jenna.
We've just got to put a stop to all this fighting before someone gets hurt.
You know what I mean.
If it's any consolation, now that your dad's you know you can finally feel free, live your own life.
Also, it's probably not the right time to bring it up, but this this is how you crack a window.
Sorry for your loss, Ryan.
Hank was always so proud of you.
I want you to know that even with your father's passing, we'd still love for you to oversee the pro bono division.
Pro bono division? Uh, can't say I'm the biggest supporter of the idea, but we've already found several cases related to prisoners with mental health issues.
Your father was very specific about that.
Do you think he was only just trying to help us? When your dad had me committed, I know it crushed him.
He was scared that you would turn out the same way.
So he made you into a little lawyer, which must have given you some kind of structure.
You know, I don't think I could've admitted this while he was still alive, but yeah, maybe, I think he was actually trying to help us.
In his own dysfunctional, dickheadish way.
Hey, can you do me a tiny favor and smash this bit of glass down here? You've always been against me reconciling with my father.
Since the day we met.
Look, as interesting as all this is, I really need to Oh, there we go.
And I'm peeing.
This past week, I've been fighting so hard to save our friendship instead of focusing on the relationship that actually mattered: the one with my father.
Ryan, what are you saying? I'm not well when I'm with you.
I am so sick of seeing everything through Wilfred-tinted lenses.