Wilfred s04e01 Episode Script


Happiness is hard to find.
We gotta try taking risks, without worrying about the consequences.
I know that I was the one who kissed you, but this isn't working.
Your face is the saddle Jenna's been giddyupping on? No, no, no, no, no.
It was only one kiss.
Rah! I'm taking you to get some help.
Bad dog! You stay away from me! Whoa! Dad? When your dad had me committed, I know it crushed him.
He was scared that you would turn out the same way.
He was actually trying to help us.
I've been fighting so hard to save our friendship, instead of focusing on the relationship that actually mattered: the one with my father.
I'm not well when I'm with you.
Wilfred? What the hell's going on? I see you.
Wilfred? Ryan We don't have time.
Come with me.
What? Now! Up here.
I don't understand.
What's happening? It'll all be clear in a moment.
Whoa! Mmm Oh, thank God you're okay.
What what happened? You don't remember? We were upstairs fighting about you and Jenna kissing.
I shoved you, and you tripped on a tennis ball and fell down the stairs.
I fell down the stairs? Oh, Ryan, I was so scared.
Look, I forgive you for kissing Jenna, okay? I'm just glad you're still alive.
Oh, these? Yeah, I thought you were dead.
I figured you'd want me to move on as quickly as possible and have at your flesh.
This isn't how it happened.
My dad fell down the stairs.
What are you talking about? My dad tripped on the tennis ball.
He he's the one who fell.
He he died.
You must've hit your head pretty hard, Ryan.
I-I saw you fall, and I'm pretty sure your dad's still alive.
I went to his funeral.
Don't believe me? Ryan? Ryan? You're here.
Just give me a chance to explain.
Please don't run out on me again.
Ryan, I know you don't believe me about the job, but these are e-mails between myself, Monty Goldsmith, the entire executive committee, discussing the decision to create a new pro bono division.
I wasn't lying to you, Ryan.
This is real.
Your relationship with this dog is unhealthy.
And like I've said, if you don't take this job, we'll have to consider some other form of treatment.
But I'm not trying to manipulate you.
I love you, Ryan.
I only want to help.
Don't listen to him, mate.
He's just trying to get you back in his clutches.
- I-I know it sounds like I'm trying to control you.
- Come on.
Let's just run away together.
And like I've told you before that's partially my fault.
Let's just hit the road.
We can be drifters.
Obviously, I have issues of my own, but I'm working on them.
Grow our hair out, stop bathing and get a bunch of STDs and lice.
But that doesn't change the fact that you're suffering from some sort of mental illness.
I hear Phish are kicking off their next tour at an airfield in Vermont.
At the office, you tried to defend Wilfred, as if he were a friend of yours, an actual person Stop it! You're right.
I'm not well.
What? Go home, Wilfred.
You're choosing that sneaky bullshitter over me? I said, go home.
I'm glad we're getting a second chance.
I won't make the same mistakes again.
Me, neither.
Just making sure you're still watching Wilfred on Saturday.
Drew and I have plans in the afternoon.
Ryan, I forgive you for what you said the other day.
Just like I forgave you for kissing Jenna.
That's two forgives, if you're counting.
Is something wrong? Y actually, I-I think I may have underestimated how busy I'm gonna be at my new job.
I-I don't think I can look after him anymore.
I'm sorry, Jenna.
I mean, you were the one who asked for this, but I guess we can find someone else.
Okay, I forgive you for ignoring that last forgive.
That's three forgives now, Ryan.
That's a lot of forgives.
Now, will you please tell Jenna you can watch me on Saturday? I forgive you for walking away and getting in your car.
Four forgives, Ryan! Okay, you know what? I'm taking back the second one.
Three forgives now.
You're down to three forgives, Ryan.
Okay, right there.
Right there.
I forgive you for rolling through that stop sign.
You're back to four, Ryan! Four forgives! And you're not stopping! You're back down to three again! We can play this game all day, Ryan! This is the deposition of her son, who claims that she had at least ten psychotic episodes in her home.
The judge ruled him incompetent to testify.
Was there an investigation? Harris v.
Counsel is found to be constitutionally ineffective For failing to call an investigator to testify on behalf of the child.
Need to take it? No, I It's not important.
I was on my way back from my 11:00 with the Yonikawa Group, and look who I ran into in the elevator.
Sorry I'm late.
The new babysitter showed up, and surprise, surprise, she was super fat.
I obviously didn't want Joffrey bonding with her and learning those habits, so I had to find another babysitter at the last minute.
Well, we better head to the restaurant.
Uh, I need to be downtown at 2:00, and I'll be in court the rest of the day.
Actually, before you go, would you mind looking over the Fisher contract revisions? It'll only take a second.
Genevieve, please print out the Fisher contract.
Look at you in that suit.
You look so handsome.
I'm really glad you and Dad finally figured out your issues.
It's like the relationship we were always supposed to have.
I'm gonna call and move that reservation.
Stop calling me.
I thought I made it pretty clear that I didn't want to talk to you anymore.
Ryan, I found something.
An envelope.
An envelope? No.
An envelope.
I've just sent it through; check your e-mail.
You sent this from my account? I wish you'd stop using my e-mail.
Where did this come from? I posted a photo of the symbol on Reddit, asking what it meant.
This is what I got back.
No idea who sent it.
I'm not interested.
Are you kidding? Ryan, we've spent so much time trying to figure out what's going on here, why you see me, what the symbol means.
This is our chance to finally get some answers.
I know you don't want anything to do with me right now, but come on, this is bigger than all of that.
I promise I won't get in your way.
I won't bug you.
Hell, I won't say a word.
It'll be like I'm not even there.
Yeah! Oh-ho, yeah! The boys are back, baby! Hold on.
I just want to e-mail this out so Bear can see I got my old sidekick back.
Stoke the fires of jealousy.
I told you, this isn't a reunion.
God, I hate lying to my dad.
We're supposed to be past all that.
There's only five chicken nuggets in here.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I lied to Jenna today, too.
You didn't lie.
You just left.
Yeah, but she thinks I'm over at Bandit's house, but here's the thing.
Bandit's owner thinks he's over at my house.
Listen, this better not be bullshit.
I'm not bullshitting you, Ryan.
The invitation I got was very real.
What's up? When I was passed out at the bottom of the stairs, I dreamt that I was cleaning out my dad's office, and I found an envelope.
An envelope? An envelope with a symbol on it.
What happened next? I went to the return address, and there was this old statue of you.
Or some sort of dog person.
And then I-I thought I saw you in the woods, but it turned out to be three evil versions of you.
Ryan, you dreamt about the envelope, and then it came true.
Don't you see what this means? It means you're the magical bean.
This explains everything.
The way I can see and talk to you like you're a person, whilst everybody else just sees you as a carrot.
Forget it.
It also means your dreams weren't just dreams.
They were premonitions, and one by one, just like the envelope, they'll all come true.
I hope not.
Why not? Because one of my premonitions was seeing my dad die.
And my last premonition was you betraying me.
Does it look anything like the place you went to in your dream? Not at all.
The envelope just must've been a crazy coincidence.
Oh, yeah? Is it a coincidence that there's a statue of a dog-faced humanoid creature over there? That's a statue of the Virgin Mary.
And you wonder why Joseph would never admit he hit that.
It's after 2:00, and there's nobody here but Oh, God.
I'm an idiot.
I can't believe I fell for it.
Fell for what? Where are you going? You created that fake Reddit post to trick me into hanging out with you.
No, I didn't.
I swear! Get in the car, Wilfred.
No! I'm not leaving yet.
I think we should stay and explore.
Get in the goddamn car.
Wilfred! Goddamn it! You don't get back here, I'm going.
I'm not taking this shit anymore.
Wilfred, I see you.
Let's go.
I'm right here, mate.
You have come here seeking answers.
Now the darkness will turn to light.
Finally, the mysteries that haunted you Oh, dude! Who ripped ass? Come on, I beefed back there, like, five minutes ago.
You probably dragged it in your suit.
Oh, God, it reeks.
You messed everything up.
It's a fart.
Grow up.
It doesn't even smell that bad.
- Yeah, it does.
- Okay, is this a joke or something? Why did you invite us here? "Us"? Me.
Why did you invite me here? And why are you wearing dog suits? Well, you were asking questions about that symbol, and we thought that you wanted to participate in the visitation ritual.
The visitation ritual? What is that? It has something to do with the cult Derek's grandpa was in back in the early '80s.
It was called the, um, the Flock of The Flock of the Gray Shepherd.
Uh, my grandpa died last year, but he used to draw that symbol and tell us stories about how he and the other people in his cult would dress up in dog costumes and perform messed-up rituals.
We found some of his old costumes, and we've been coming out here every couple of months and dressing up and stuff.
Wait, you guys are wearing clothes? I thought you said we had to be naked underneath.
Wait, were you guys watching me get changed? Is that the only reason you invited me? You guys are gross.
I'm your cousin, Jimmy.
Ask them about the visitation ritual.
What is the visitation ritual? Uh, my grandpa said that if you dress up in the costumes, then chant and dance or something, some sort of half-man, half-dog god comes down to visit the chosen one, and if it's you, the god leads you to happiness.
Oh, and the god's name.
Yeah, his name was Mataman.
Matama Matt Damon? The-the god's name is Matt Damon? Wow! That is a crazy coincidence.
Two gods, the same name! Thanks.
That's insane.
Okay, I can see me sending the envelope to myself, but you think I went online and hired kid actors and created those costumes and gave them scripts to perform? I don't know how you did it, but you must have somehow.
What about your premonitions? H-How could I possibly have known about your premonitions? I don't know.
I must have mumbled them when I was passed out on the stairs.
Or maybe they were premonitions and this is all real! I'm not getting sucked in, Wilfred.
Things are going so well between my dad and me right now.
Look, if he found out about our little adventure today, uh, it would ruin everything.
I'm not lying, and I'm not trying to ruin anything.
I want answers just as much as you do.
I have to go back to the office.
I also want my friend back.
Go home, Wilfred.
Hey, Dad.
How'd the hearing go? Come on, Ryan.
I know you've been lying to me about Wilfred.
I know you left the office to be with that dog today.
I Ryan, I saw you in the car with the dog.
You know I saw you.
God, this is worse than I thought.
I'm taking you to get some help.
God, this is worse than I thought.
I'm taking you to get some help.
Stay there.
I'm coming to the office.
Hello? Dad, it's me.
If you're coming from the courthouse, don't go anywhere.
I'm coming to you.
Ryan, I think Dad? Dad? That's my dad's car.
Where is he? My God.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not again! Not again! I still don't understand how this statue is connected to anything.
I mean, the Noid, yeah, the guy's dangerous, but not to us.
It's not like we're pizzas.
I told you, it's a statue of you.
I'm the Noid? Well, I guess that makes sense.
I have destroyed my share of pizzas.
How you holding up, man? I don't get it.
My dad and I were better than we'd ever been.
And then, I lied to him about you, and he clearly followed me that day.
Otherwise, how could he have seen us in the car? Why were we given a second chance if it was always supposed to end like this? You know, back in Wisconsin, there was a fence post up the street from Jenna.
Every day, I'd go up to the post, chew it, sniff it, take a leak on it.
I loved that damn post.
But one day, I was licking it, and it gave me a splinter in my tongue.
Ah, I just felt so betrayed.
So I just started walking past it, just pretending it wasn't even there.
Then one day, suddenly, the post was gone.
I felt devastated and guilty.
I never had a chance to make amends.
You got that moment, mate.
Maybe you are the god who leads you to happiness.
I'm sorry about the way I've been treating you.
It's okay.
Seven forgives.
I mean, as crazy as it is, the premonitions were real.
Well, except the last one.
You never actually betrayed me.
Ryan, I have a confession to make.
I did betray you.
When we were driving to the park, I I stole one of your chicken nuggets.
I forgive you.
Oh, man.
This is gonna take a while.
I have to go through my dad's e-mails, get his contacts, let everybody know what happened.
If you grab some more tape, I can help with the boxes while you're doing that.
That'd be great.