Wilfred s04e02 Episode Script

Consequences

As long as Heller discloses the police report by next week.
Either way, I assume that we're doing everything in our power to avoid going to trial.
Okay, that's it.
Have a good weekend.
By the way, Lonnie, I-I came across an old file of my dad's and-- really bizarre-- it was labeled something like, "Flock of the Grey Shepherd"? Ring a bell? No.
Sorry.
How about this-this photo? Pretty weird, huh? Very weird, but, no, I've never seen it before.
Your father handled a lot of cases I wasn't involved in.
Ryan I hope you know you can take off as much time as you need.
I appreciate that.
Dodgers Brewers, bro! Thursday night, fourth row, down the third base line, behind the dugout.
They're my boss's season tickets.
Oh, you-you don't want to take Jenna? No, she refuses to go to Dodger Stadium ever since she saw another Brew Crew fan get stomped out there.
I keep telling her, just wear a Dodgers shirt and cheer on the inside.
Man, I-II'd love to go.
But I've got a conference call with a client in Japan.
It'll be afternoon there.
Sorry, Drew.
Let's-let's hang out soon, though.
What are you doing here? We don't have a lot of time, mate.
I've been thinking about the whole "Am I a dog, am I a god" thing, and I've discovered something that's gonna blow your mind.
Notice anything about the letters in this word? Come on! It's so obvious.
The letter "D" is the fourth letter of the alphabet.
The Bible says there are four corners of the Earth.
To see all four corners, you have to travel around the world, and, as everybody knows, that takes 80 days.
"Eighty" rhymes with "deity.
" And "deity" is another word for I'm a god, Ryan! Oh, come on! Remember what those kids said about the cult? I'm here to lead you to happiness.
Even if it's true, Jenna only lets us hang out a couple hours a week.
Which means we've got to move fast.
Now the way I see it, if you and Jenna are to end up together Wait-wait-- you think my happiness is being with Jenna? It's okay.
I'm cool with it now.
She's married.
For now, but you can change all that by asking Drew how your dick tastes.
What? You know Jenna and I only kissed, right? Yeah, and us dudes use the same tongue to kiss that we do to clean our dicks.
Jesus, you are slow today.
Anyway, tell Drew you kissed his wife, and they'll break up.
First off, Jenna kissed me.
And there's no way I'm telling him anything.
I've seen how he gets when he's mad.
Whether you tell him or not, there are gonna be consequences to that kiss.
Now, the sooner you deal with them, the sooner you can move on.
Why are we talking about this? I don't care about any of that.
Okay, then what do you care about? About finding the connection between my dad and the cult.
Then I'll lead you to that.
I don't need you to lead me to anything.
I can't find my dad's name on any of these documents.
But it seems to me, some sort of shell corporation was established by the cult, to buy some property up north.
I looked it up online and found this-- the exact same gorge in the background of this photo.
I'm gonna go up there this weekend and check it out.
But Jenna will never let me go away with you for that long.
I know.
I'm sorry.
What good is being able to lead the chosen one to happiness if you're not even allowed to go? What are you talking about, Bear? I lead you to happiness all the time.
Sometimes several times a day.
What do you mean, "Not even once"? There's no way you could have faked all those orgasms.
I'll have what Bear's having.
Knock, knock.
Hey.
We were just on a little strollski back from the ice cream shop and saw your lights on.
This is, uh, our niece, Darcey.
She's just visiting for the weekend.
Hi.
Will you go to Disneyland with us tomorrow? Me? Really? Okay, I asked him for you.
Give me my gelato.
Ah.
Well, you know, Jenna and Darcey always sit together on the rides, so, I get crammed into a teacup with a horny, 50-year-old with a Minnie Mouse tramp stamp.
I'm talking about a dude.
Sorry, I'm busy this weekend.
Yeah.
You doing some camping? I love camping.
Just being out in nature.
You know, kicking anything you want.
Yeah, yeah, I-I was totally gonna invite you, um, but it sounds like you're gonna be at Disneyland.
Sucks.
Drew? I thought you were watching Darcey.
Oh, yeah, I was just talking to Ryan for a second.
Hi, Ryan.
Hi.
Can I speak with you inside? Sure.
Come on, sweetie.
Uh-oh, looks like I'm in the doghouse.
It's a figure of speech, Ryan.
It means he has AIDS.
About your happiness? I'm on it, dude.
Should lead you to it by tomorrow, Monday at the latest.
Wilfred, come! Morning, camping compadre! Drew.
What's going on? Well, Darcey had some ice cream on her face last night, and Wilfred just went for it.
Nipped her, but, long story short, no more Disneyland.
Wait-- he bit her? Yeah Jenna wasn't so psyched on me taking off with you, but at the same time, she doesn't want Wilfred hanging around while Darcey was still here, so You don't mind, right? Shotgun! I can't believe this.
The last thing I want to do is spend the weekend with Drew.
Drew's presence is a small price to pay to have your god by your side.
Oh, man, I feel so bad for ants right now.
Their hills are gonna get so kicked! This way, Ryan.
Now this way.
Now down here.
Now up here, Ryan.
Now down here.
Ryan, the answers you seek are straight ahead.
I can sense it.
Drew, hold up.
Uh yeah.
You don't need that.
The Your god knows exactly where he's going.
It's-it's this way.
Where are we headed? Well, there's a gorge that's supposed to be pretty cool.
According to this, it's just north of here.
I'll just use this and find out which way north is.
North is that way.
It's that way.
I told you that already.
How do you know? Oh, moss grows on the, uh, north side of trees.
Are you sure? Bro, I was a Boy Scout for eight years.
Which means nothing, except he's almost certainly been molested.
Huh.
You're right.
Lucky guess.
Put your phone away, bro.
Why'd you even bring it? Enjoy nature.
Yeah, yeah, I guess we can go that way.
I mean, it's the longer, less happy route, but, hey, what the hell? It's your life.
So, what's going on, man? You dating anybody? Me? No.
I'm just so busy with work.
Oh, you know what? There's this girl that Jenna went to college with.
She's out here, she is smoking hot, man.
I mean, I should get you her number.
I don't really Oh, look at that.
What? The fungus on that tree there.
It's a bay-brown polypore.
I'm gonna go kick the shit out of it.
Oh, God.
Please, just call me Wilfred? Yeah? Drew just tried to set me up with one of Jenna's friends.
Like I would ever do that.
This is so awkward.
Eyes on the prize, Ryan.
The quicker we find that gorge, the quicker this torture ends.
You're just lucky you've got me here to guide you.
No, I'm lucky I brought this.
Yeah, but can that show you how to find food so you don't starve to death? I brought granola bars.
Yeah, they'd be good if you didn't have a gluten allergy.
Which I don't.
Yeah, but what if you did? You need to learn how to live off the land like me.
Last time I ate these, I almost died.
So, you're gonna eat 'em again? Let's do this.
Hey, Ryan, can I ask you something? Sure.
Have you noticed Jenna acting kind of different lately? No.
Yeah, it's it's just, she hasn't been herself.
The home security thing, and then her problems with you and Wilfred, and she's been falling asleep on the couch almost every night.
I'd really rather not get involved.
I know.
This is something I gotta fix by myself.
I actually wrote a song for her.
You know me.
It's always easier to express my feelings through my music.
I did-didn't know that about you.
That's 'cause you don't pay enough attention to me And that hurts me.
See what I mean? You mind giving it a listen? Sure.
You used to smile When you saw me You used to ask me 'Bout my day But lately you've been distant And I just don't know what words to say except Nothing's changed for me And I hope I hope I'm not to blame.
Jenna's gonna love that.
I hope so, man.
Come on.
We've got a big day ahead of us.
Drew did-did you move my backpack? It-it was here, and now it's gone.
What was in it? Everything.
My-my phone, the map, our food Food? A bear might've gotten it.
Oh, man.
A bear was here.
It knocked my guitar in the fire.
You stole my backpack, didn't you? Why would I do that? So I'd have no choice but to rely on you to bring me to the place from the photo.
I didn't do it, Ryan.
I swear.
Oh, so you had nothing to do with Drew's guitar either? Obviously I did that, yeah, but not your backpack.
Ryan, this is a sign.
Without that map, your only hope of finding answers is me.
It's time to put your faith in me and follow me blindly.
Drew, can you get us to that gorge without the map? Is a badger's musk soapy and cream-colored? Well, here's your gorge.
You were right.
The view is sweet.
I wonder what used to be here.
There's nothing here.
Drew may have been able to find this place, but only I can lead you to answers.
Shh! Something is telling me the answers you seek are in the ground.
Wilfred, stop.
Just give it up.
I'm serious.
There's something important right here under our feet.
What did I tell you? What is it? It has an energy to it.
It must be some sort of sacred, magical artifact.
I bet this belonged to the cult.
At last! I bring you happiness! Aah! Wilfred, no! Ow! No! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! Aah! I'll kill you! Aah! I'll kill you! Aah! Wilfred, run! Whoa-whoa aah! Drew! Oh, my God.
Okay, I realize this looks bad.
But in my defense, my job isn't to lead Drew to happiness.
Drew! Are you okay?! It's not that bad! I can handle it! Oh! Oh, it's bad! It's bad! I think I see bone! Wait, so you have bones on the inside of your bodies? This changes everything.
What should I do? Oh, I see, so I make one mistake and you're no longer consulting me? The first rule when you're in trouble in the wilderness is to stay put and stay together.
That's two rules, Boy Scout! I texted Jenna from the road! She knows where we are.
When we don't come home, she'll call the police and someone will rescue us.
No one's finding us all the way out here.
We're gonna have to hike back for help.
Drew, that doesn't look very good! You could die out here! I'm hiking back for help! Yes! In your face! Oh, I'm not gonna die, Ryan.
Worst case scenario, I lose my leg.
Okay! You know what? You should go! Go! Ryan, my god instincts are telling me we should've made a turn I don't care what you think.
If it weren't for you, I'd be hiking alone back to my Whoa.
Hey.
You don't look so good.
Shit, my eyes are swollen shut.
Wilfred, I can barely see.
Y-You're gonna have to help me get back to my car.
Finally! It's about time you let me take the lead.
Here, take my tail.
Oh! Gross! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Here.
Here it is.
Really?! Twice? Just give me your goddamn tail! All right, all right.
And you wonder why I don't think you're a god.
If gods can't have a sense of humor, how do you explain Stephen Hawking? Okay, we're about to go under a fallen tree here.
You're gonna have to duck really low now.
That's it.
That's it.
Right there.
Oh, goddamn it, Wilfred! What's going on? Why are we stopping? There's something weird going on.
Every time I ask the universe to lead me to your happiness, we end up in the same spot.
So we're lost? We're not lost-- I know exactly where we are.
Then why don't you take me back to my car? Is it because you want Drew to die? That's it, isn't it? You want him to die because he knew how to get us to the place in the photo and you didn't.
Please.
If anyone here has a motive to let Drew die, it's you.
Me? Why would I want him to die? Because you don't want him to find out you kissed Jenna.
Jenna kissed me! What?! Jenna kissed you?! I told you I knew where we were.
Leave me alone, Jenna.
Drew where are you going? Back to Wisconsin.
Listen, I'm so sorry about No.
Stop, man.
It's not your fault.
I mean, if things were good between me and Jenna, she never would've kissed you.
I guess I've had a feeling for a while now that she wasn't in love with me anymore, and now it all makes sense.
Take care, bro.
Well, what are you waiting for, mate? Did you do all of this to lead me to Jenna? If I did, would it make you happy? No.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
I merely cleared some branches so you could see the path.
Jenna? What are you doing? I'm going to Wisconsin.
I'm gonna try to work things out with Drew.
Does he know you're coming? No, but I have to try.
Jenna, I-I'm sorry.
You're sorry? You ruined my marriage, Ryan.
You know, I don't I don't want to I don't want to get into this with you right now.
The least you can do is watch Wilfred for me while I'm gone.
Yeah.
No problem.
Hello? Ryan Newman? Yes.
Who is this? You don't need to worry about who I am.
How did you get my number? From your phone.
You stole my bag.
That's right.
And I'll do a lot worse if you ever come up here again.
Tell your dad's partner the price just doubled.
Ten thousand.
That bitch will know what I'm talking about.