Wilfred s04e03 Episode Script


> Having been Henry's partner and close friend, I hope you trust me to be open and honest about this process.
We trust you, Lonnie.
On to the distributions.
Larry and Sophie, you will receive 12% of the trust.
Eight percent will go to Genevieve for her many years of loyal service.
I really loved working for your father.
The trust will provide for your mother's mental health expenses.
The rest will be split evenly between the two of you with the following parameters.
Kristen's inheritance will be unrestricted.
Ryan's will be doled out in annual installments.
That's it? So-so, I'm not even in the will? What? Just 'cause he thought I was the cause of his son's disturbing, insane behavior? Let it go, dude! Six percent of the trust has, of course, been set aside for my executor's fee.
Don't executors who are friends of the family usually wave their fees? Managing your father's trust is gonna take a lot of time, time I'm usually much better compensated for.
But six percent-- that's not even standard.
Right? Ryan, right? If there are no further objections, why don't I explain to you how the distributions will work? My life is pathetic! No inheritance.
I failed to lead you to happiness, so, clearly, I'm not a god.
And worst of all, my owner takes off to Wisconsin and ditches me with her little flat-assed neighbor for who knows how long.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Doing what? That guy on the phone who said his price just doubled? He called my dad's partner a "bitch.
" He had to be talking about Lonnie.
Well, he was right about the bitch part.
I found a list of her passwords in her assistant's desk.
And I've searched everything-- her e-mails, bank accounts.
I can't find anything about a $10,000 payoff in the last month.
So, get up off your flat ass and ask her what she knows about the cult.
Okay, stop talking about my ass.
I'll stop talking about it when you start doing some reverse lunges to build up that ass.
I want to see a goddamn shelf back there! Lonnie already lied to me once.
I just got to lay low until I have some actual proof.
Is that why you left Kristen hanging today when she needed your support? Yeah, exactly.
I didn't want to get into it with Lonnie.
Or maybe it's because you're just not a very loyal brother.
You're gonna lecture me about loyalty? What? I'm very loyal.
Ask Jenna.
Two seconds ago, you were whining about how she ditched you.
That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop being faithful to her.
It's been two years, seven months and three days since my last slip-up.
Ryan I'm an addict.
I'm addicted to cuddling.
It's a disease, Ryan.
Years ago, when I was deep in my addiction, I used to break into old folks' homes.
Uh, I'd start by just cuddling with one geriatric.
Then it was five geriatrics, ten geriatrics.
Afterwards, I'd feel so ashamed.
But the only thing that would make me feel better about myself was more cuddling.
Before I knew it, I was trolling the parking lots outside Special Olympics events looking for some of that simpleton strange.
One night, I ended up in a back alley getting hug-and-rubs from two athletes.
If you're such an addict, why don't you ever try and cuddle with me? Do something about that flat ass, and maybe we'll talk.
But I'm a lot better now.
I'm in a healthy, monogamous relationship with Jenna.
I mean, this long distance thing is gonna be a test, but I'll get through it.
As long as I have the house dog's little helper.
You'll never believe it! Arturo wants full custody of Joffrey! Oh, my God.
What?! Joffrey can't leave.
Who's gonna let me wake them up from naps with my unmotivated barking? He says Joffrey needs to be raised in a more "traditional family atmosphere.
" I can't even imagine my life without him.
I'd miss him so much.
Uh, what are you doing? I wouldn't worry, Kristen.
Courts typically rule in favor of the mother.
Well What? Um There was this incident at the mall.
I should probably warn you.
I'm in a relationship right now.
And? I grabbed the wrong stroller and walked away with a different baby.
It was an innocent mistake, but then, the cops were called, and I'm afraid Arturo's gonna use it against me.
I can't do this.
Will you help me? I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Family law isn't really my expertise.
I know, but before I have to hire some high-priced lawyer and get into a big custody battle, will you just at least lean on him a little? Is your finger where I think it is? On your hand with your other fingers petting my back? Oh, you are a freak.
Fine, I'll help you.
Really? Oh, thank you so much.
I must look like a mess right now.
I'm just I'm gonna use your bathroom, okay? Whoa.
Man, that was crazy back there.
Did you see that? She was all over me, and I was just, like, "Get up off my cute bald belly, bitch.
" God, her timing is so annoying.
I need to focus on figuring out the connection between Lonnie and the cult.
If I can remain faithful to Jenna in these trying times, Ryan, then I think you can be there for your sister.
Your water does not get very hot, does it? Oops.
Joffrey's shoe! What if I never get to kiss his cute little toes again? Oh.
Stop! Please! No! You want us to split holidays? Well, it's just a place to start negotiating from.
I can't imagine not having Joffrey around for all the holidays.
Makes you just want to break down sobbing and fondle the softest, velvetiest thing on earth.
Like, a dog's ear perhaps? Ugh! What's up with Wilfred today? He's being such a pest.
Wilfred, get down.
You're giving him two weekends a month? Right now, it's just one.
Ryan, I thought you were gonna fight for me.
This is what a settlement's all about.
Unless you want to go to court, there are gonna have to be compromises.
Just don't let him railroad you.
Arturo's a lying scumbag.
God, I hate this so much.
I hate even entertaining the possibility of losing him.
Come here.
Yeah, uh, I'm not here to haggle over days and weekends, Ryan.
I'm asking for full custody.
I know.
But I-I assume that neither of you want to go to court over this.
Did she tell you about the mall? Yes.
But that was an accident.
She tell you I found a Lego man's head in Joffrey's stool last month? It still had a cowboy hat on.
Uh, well I assume that Kristen's been going through a lot since your father died-- which I was sorry to hear, by the way.
I have no intention of kicking her while she's down.
I only want what's best for Joffrey, Ryan.
And I know she thinks I'm a manipulative jerk, but let's be honest, she tends to see the worst in people.
I-I just want to see my son more.
What if she gave you weekends? All of them? Well, that would make a big difference.
Although, we were planning on taking the kids to Spain for the summer-- it'd be a shame if Joffrey couldn't meet his grandparents and his cousins, la grande familia.
I guess I can urge Kristen to make an exception for July and August.
And September.
Jesus! Is that my son's pacifier? Wilfred! What? Oh! How did that get there? I am so sorry.
This is what I'm talking about, Ryan? She leaves all of Joffrey's things lying around.
You realize my son sucks on that? Not when there's a pacifier in it.
He just left, and you're lucky I Okay, I know what you're thinking, but those performers are over two and half years old.
They're all legal.
What is wrong with you! I accidentally sat on Joffrey's binky.
Big deal.
No, you were trying to make Kristen look like a bad mother.
Why would I do that? Because if she loses custody of Joffrey, then she'll get depressed and lonely and want to cuddle with you.
The truth is when Jenna cuddles me, she just lies there.
Kristen gives that bomb cuddle.
But don't act like I'm the only one trying to dick her over.
I'm trying to help her I just got Arturo to agree to a compromise, in spite of the pacifier up your ass.
I overheard you both.
You were hardly putting up a fight there.
If he says something about Kristen that's true, I'm not gonna deny it.
She's family-- you're supposed to defend her, not resent her.
I don't resent her! Ah, so it doesn't bother you that she doesn't have any restrictions on her inheritance? Or that your dad clearly trusted her more than you? Don't turn this around on me.
The truth is, your little "addiction" is getting out of control.
I'm not listening to this bullshit.
Wilfred Wilfred, this has to stop! I don't have a problem, okay? My addiction is totally under control! What's this? Bear, I thought you were in Iceland until the 15th.
An intervention? Uh, and so you're the interventionist? What's that? All right, you haven't cuddled in 71 million years, four months and two days? No offense, but you don't strike me as the kind of guy who has to fight off the cuddles.
Oh-ho-ho! Oh, that's hilarious.
You're calling me out on self-restraint? Oh, really? This coming from a guy who's been up for days smoking God knows what.
Look at your eyes! They're practically popping out of your head.
Oh, oh, that's your defense? Yelling your name out at the top of your lungs.
I don't have to listen to this.
Bear let go of me.
I said let go! Aah! Aah! Aah! I don't have a problem! I don't have a problem! Shh.
He's sleeping.
- Hey, did I leave, um, Joffrey's Cookie Monster doll here? - Yeah, I think it's in the kitchen.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Just exploring new ways to spice up my relationship with Jenna.
You were right-- I was going off the deep end.
And all the people in that room yesterday were just there because they care about me.
Except Animal.
Turns out he wasn't even there for the intervention.
He was just in the house.
He stole 50 yards of copper wiring out of your wall, by the way.
I'm not seeing it, Ryan.
It's outside.
Thank you.
I know you're nervous about today.
Nervous? Every weekend? Most holidays? The entire summer? Once Joffrey goes to school, I'll barely see him.
Maybe you were right-- maybe I should hire a real family lawyer, because it doesn't feel like you're on my side.
Of course I'm on your side.
No offense, but it's not like you're making it any easier for me.
The mall incident? The Lego head? He told you about the Lego head? Look, I know it's not ideal, but at least Arturo has agreed to these terms.
I think he honestly wants to make this work.
Just try to be nice.
Oh, hello, Ryan.
Uh, Kristen.
Uh, oh.
New watch.
Not as expensive as your S-Series.
No, actually, I sold it.
No, I bought a minivan.
Well, at some point, any good parent realizes your child is just more important than your image, so Mm-mm-mm.
That's good advice.
Thank you.
So, where's my little man? Is this a joke? No.
No, I Where the hell's our son? He was here before.
Relax, Ryan.
- Joffrey's fine.
- I want full custody! Oh, my God, Ryan! Let's go! Sounds like Kristen could use a good cuddle.
The sad thing is, I don't even remember taking him out of the stroller.
N-No, it's my fault-- I was pushing the stroller; I should have noticed.
I'm a horrible mother.
I deserve to lose custody.
I'm gonna fix this, I promise.
Come on, Bear, I can't hear you.
There we go! Hey, hey! What the hell are you doing?! Oh! Putting a stop to this shit.
It's bad enough you lock me down here while Kristen's up there aching for a rough snuggle! Now I'm not even allowed to stroke it?! You switched Joffrey out for a doll.
Do you realize how dangerous that was? He was napping the whole time.
Come on.
We're going.
Where? To beg Arturo to cut Kristen a break.
And there's no way I'm leaving you in the house alone with her.
Any of you bitches want to party? You look like you could cuddle me long time.
Oh, really? At least crack it, dude.
Thanks for agreeing to meet me again.
Do you want to get some lunch? I brought mine.
The food here is processed and unhealthy.
Listen, I-I know how this morning looked, but it-it wasn't Kristen's fault.
No, this wasn't about this morning, Ryan.
It's about all the terrible choices and mistakes that Kristen's made as a mother.
She loves Joffrey so much.
There must be something she can do.
Your, uh y-your father, he was a very accomplished lawyer, Ryan, and I can only imagine the extent of Kristen's inheritance.
I mean, I saw the Cartier watch.
You want a payoff? You said it, not me.
Look, I-I wasn't lying when I asked for custody.
But then when Kristen forgot Joffrey, what was I gonna do, not ask for money? How much? I'd be willing to go back to the original agreement for, say, a quarter of a million.
But you're a successful doctor.
With a shitload of debt.
I mean, did you honestly think I wanted to trade in my S-Series for a minivan? You think I choose to bring my lunch in every day? I love the chicken tenders here.
That's a Handi-Snack.
Kristen was right about you.
It's not like she's got it all figured out.
She can't keep a husband.
She can't keep a job.
And apparently is not enough to screw up her own life, now she's got to screw up her kid's, too? I'll pay you the money.
But only if Kristen gets full custody of Joffrey.
Joffrey's my son.
Let's make it $500,000.
I assume you know how to make that legal.
That's easy.
I'm paying you to settle a potential assault lawsuit.
Assault? Are you kidding me?! Full custody.
I can't believe it.
Well, once I explained how much he was hurting you, he totally caved.
I am so sorry I accused you of not fighting for me.
I-I know I'm not always there for you.
At least, not as much as I should be.
Sometimes I resent you a little.
What? Why? Like with the inheritance, Dad didn't put any restrictions on yours.
He always held me under a microscope while you got away scot-free.
You think it was easy for me? No matter what I did, I could never get him to pay any attention to me.
I do miss him, Ryan.
Me, too.
Don't beat yourself up.
For a horrible brother, you're still pretty amazing.
You're a pretty amazing horrible sister, too.
Hey, I want you to know I'm in recovery now.
I've been going to the meetings and, you know, doing the whole 12-step thing.
The Promises are coming true.
Cuddling is the furthest thing from my mind.
Then why am I hearing the house dog's little helper? I'm not using it for cuddling anymore.
Anyway, I'm just glad all this craziness with Kristen is finally behind us.
Me, too.
Or it will be in ten years, when I'm done giving Arturo half my inheritance.
Trust me, it's better this way.
If you pay him off all at once, he'll keep coming back for more.
Doing it in installments will keep him honest.
Yeah? I-I was looking for one big withdrawal from Lonnie's accounts, but what if she's been paying someone off in installments? Ryan.
I've spent all night going through my dad's bank accounts, his transactions, everything I could get my hands on.
Okay Sure.
I've seen this account.
Your father included it in the trust, if that's what you're worried about.
Every month, like clockwork, from the month he died going back almost 30 years.
Ryan, I'm confused.
Does this have something to do with the trust? You're paying someone off, someone associated with the Flock of the Grey Shepherd.
I can only assume this has to do with my father.
I don't have the slightest clue what You're lying.
Okay, this is getting inappropriate.
What are you hiding? I have no idea what any of this means.
Think about what you're saying, Ryan.
I met your father in 1992.
You just said these transactions go back If your father was involved in something dubious, I promise you I had nothing to do with it.
I shouldn't be doing this, but years ago, when Henry asked me to be his fiduciary, he gave me a key to a storage unit in Culver City.
He said that if he died suddenly, I should destroy everything inside it.
What's in it? I don't know.
I haven't looked yet.
Hopefully you can find the answers you're looking for.