Will and Grace s01e16 Episode Script

Yours, Mine or Ours

Oh.
that's okay.
I'll just wait for the next one.
Oh-- Or not.
I was going down.
but I don't have to go straight down.
We're all so goal-oriented.
It's really all about the journey.
isn't it? And the company.
I'm Peter.
So I see.
Uh.
Grace.
Grace Adler.
Well.
just Grace Adler.
Be a little weird if Grace was my middle name.
too.
Yeah.
yeah.
Imagine how Boutros Boutros-Ghali feels.
I'm.
moving into 12-D.
Oh.
yeah.
I've been in that one.
It's a-- it's a two bedroom.
right? Uh.
no.
Just a one bedroom.
- Just me.
- Just good.
Oh.
uh.
actually.
I'm goin' up.
Oh.
well.
that's okay.
I'm a Scorpio.
We love to travel.
Is everyone in this building good-looking? Oh.
no.
We make the ugly ones take the stairs.
You moving in? Yeah.
yeah.
She's a little small.
but.
uh.
I got some ideas.
I'm Will.
Uh.
Peter.
That's a studio.
isn't it? Oh.
sorry I'm late.
My driver hit a pedestrian on 57th Street.
and we had to stop and blah-blah.
ugh.
Oh my God.
Is he okay? Mmm.
a little rattled.
but he always gets like that when he hits someone.
Karen you have to do something about him.
Eventually.
you know.
he's gonna kill someone.
( chuckles ) You understand that would be wrong.
don't you? Yeah.
I guess.
Fire him.
Grace.
he is old and sweet and helpless.
I can't just fire him because he's a raging incompetent.
I mean.
maybe you could.
but not me.
Karen.
if that were true.
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
You know.
I guess I should just cut him loose.
- ( phone ringing ) - I mean.
as Gandhi once said.
"You're only as strong as your weakest servant.
" ( ringing ) - I think he said that.
- ( ringing ) Or maybe it was.
"Wow.
this sand is hot!" - ( ringing ) - Oh Honey.
are you gonna get that? It's kind of distracting.
Grace Adler Designs.
Hold on.
One.
two.
three.
This is Grace.
Oh.
Peter.
Hi.
Who's Peter? Oh.
tonight? Oh.
um.
uh.
Iet me check my book.
One.
two.
three.
Yeah.
it seems like I'm free.
Yeah.
Iike you need a book to tell you that.
Great.
sounds like a plan.
I'll see you at 8:00.
Cue the laugh.
And the hair toss.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
bye-bye.
So.
what's up? What's goin' on? Who's gettin' some slap and tickle? - I am.
- Are not.
- Am too.
- With who? - A guy! - Hey-hey-hey.
game's over.
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly I gotta love one man 'til I die Can't help lovin' that man of mine Hey.
Iisten.
sister! I love my mister now! Tell me he's lazy.
tell me he's slow Tell me I'm crazy.
maybe I know Can't help lovin' that man of mine! - Take it.
Jackie! - And pas de bourrée.
and pas de bourrée and souffle.
I'm gay! - So what's goin' on with you? - What? We haven't sung a show tune since Jimmy Swaggart got caught with a hooker.
I have sinned! So what's cookin'.
average lookin'? Okay.
this guy moved into our building.
and um.
and I like him.
Oh my God.
She's alive.
Alive! Tell me everything! Okay.
We met on the elevator and-- No.
no.
wai-- wai-- wait.
Are you gonna pay attention.
or are you just gonna drift off and think about.
I don't know.
what your ass looks like in 501s? I'm totally listening.
I'm all ears.
Go.
Okay.
Half an hour ago.
he calls and invites me to dinner-- tonight.
So I'm thinking-- I've lost you already! Where are you?! I'm listening.
No.
you weren't.
Where did you go? I'm paying attention.
Don't mistake me for your mother.
Okay.
New shoes.
Good.
These are good.
These'll work.
These are painful.
Ow.
Ow.
Numb.
- Hey.
- Hey.
No time to talk.
There's something I have to do.
What was it again? Oh.
yeah.
a date.
- I have a date.
- Oh my God! You have a date?! I'm so excited! I want to hear all about him.
but not now.
because I have a date.
too! - No.
- Yes! - No! - Yes! - We have a date! - Woo! Woo! Wait a minute.
Don't losers get that excited about dates? Losers don't have dates.
We have a date! Oh! Woo! - Grace: Should I wear the-- - Will: No! - What about the-- - No! - Okay.
I'll go with the-- - Good.
Will: What about me? - Should I wear the thing-- - No! - What about the sweater-- - No! - Should I just leave on the-- - Yup! Okay.
Two buttons or three? Well.
it's the difference between "I'll call you" and "I'll wake you.
" What about me? Two buttons or three? - Oh.
definitely two.
- Yeah? It's the difference between "I'll call you" and "I'll sell you an area rug.
" Okay.
I'm taking the Merlot Jack stole from the restaurant after they fired him for stealing the Cabernet.
Grab me one! Grab my shoe.
- How do we look? - I'd sleep with us.
Yeah.
me.
too.
- Here.
- So where are you guys goin'? - Actually.
not too far.
- Mmm.
- What about you? - Not too far either.
Look.
Iook.
Iook.
If we're gonna do this.
Iet's agree on one thing.
okay? If either of gets the feeling.
that kind of l-like-you-more- than-a-friend vibe.
the other will bow out gracefully.
- Like a gentleman.
- Or a lady.
Or a gentlemen.
Did you eat salami today? No.
did you wash your face with ugly soap? - Hi.
- Hi.
I thought I heard voices out here but it being my first night in New York.
I was afraid to check.
Whoa! Oh.
a 1985 Merlot.
always an excellent choice.
And a uh.
1985 Merlot.
still an excellent choice.
Come on in.
So.
uh.
clearly.
you two know each other.
Well.
sort of.
We're uh - we live together.
- As roommates.
- In a two bedroom.
- In two beds.
in separate rooms.
It's okay.
I get it.
You're married.
Just kidding.
Good.
Come on in.
sit down.
I'll open the wine.
Wow.
I can't believe you just moved in.
The place already looks great.
Ooh.
really great.
Really.
really great.
Thanks.
but.
it is only the living room.
Trust me.
you don't want to see the bedroom.
- Maybe later.
- Maybe later.
Go on.
go on.
sit down.
I am so glad you two could make it.
You're officially my closest friends in New York.
Oh-- Except for the guy who peed on my car this morning.
Ah.
he's more like family.
I know what you mean.
My uncle does the same thing.
That's a lie.
- To new friends.
- New friends.
You know.
you have the most beautiful smile.
It's-- it's a little crooked.
- Now.
so was Audrey Hepburn's.
- Oh.
come on now.
I hate my smile.
Well.
then stop smiling.
You know.
I thought we'd start off with some veggies.
or at uh.
4.
99 a pound.
"crudites.
" Great.
Well.
you know the old saying.
"Crudites.
gone tomorrow.
" ( snorts ) Yeah.
that's hot.
I-- I love Iove.
Iove.
Iove that sculpture.
Oh.
yeah.
I got that in Africa.
I found that traveling through Mombasa.
Ah.
yes.
Mombasa.
Was it last week you were in Mombasa.
Will or never.
Oh.
Iook.
Golf clubs.
Yeah.
yeah.
You play? Well.
a little.
I gotta work on my swing.
I have such a hard time getting the ball in the clown's mouth.
Oh.
your-- your address is all wrong.
- Here.
- Yeah? Let me show you.
You just want to pull back and follow through.
Pull back-- Pull back-- - Head down.
- Mmm.
Follow through.
- Better? - Much better.
Yeah.
thank you.
- ( bell dings ) - Oh.
I gotta check on dinner.
I hope you like veal marsala.
I slaved for hours over the takeout menu.
Wow.
You smell great.
Thank you.
What are you wearing? Just me.
That's a lie.
I'll be right back.
Well - I think it's pretty clear.
- You're right.
- Go home.
- Go home.
- You go home! - You go home! Peter is not gay.
Oh.
please.
You think everybody is straight.
He's gay.
so you can just stop flirting.
Oh.
wrongo.
Marilu.
He's straight.
So-- so you can stop posing with that fake interested look.
"Ah.
yes.
Mombasa.
" Oh-- oh-- oh.
hello? "I hate my smile.
" What about your charming fake laugh? Oh-- oh-- oh-- oh! That doesn't compare to your fake laugh.
with the-- Oh.
that's a good one.
Grace.
That's good.
Oh my God.
This is so stupid.
I didn't come here to compete with you.
Well.
neither did l.
Can't we just sit here and behave like normal human being people? - Deal.
- Deal.
Okay.
I hope this is all right.
One question.
is veal supposed to have a beak? Believe me.
Driver.
this has been harder for me than it has for you.
Mrs.
Walker.
am I fired because I'm-- I'm a bad driver? No.
no.
You're very good at what you do.
I just think it's time for a change.
I mean.
I know that you want-- Honey.
I'm over here now.
I remember that you always wanted to do other things in your life.
Why.
I recall you having an interest in woodworking.
- That was Cook.
- Oh.
that's right.
I'm sorry.
You loved the clarinet.
That was Maid.
Honey.
you're gonna have a lot of free time on your hands now.
Find a hobby.
We've had some good times.
Mrs.
Walker.
- haven't we? - Oh.
it has been fun.
Why.
I remember the time that-- Why.
I remember the time that Stan and I were in the car.
and we blew a fan belt.
and you had to push the car all the way to New Jersey.
Almost lost a toe to frostbite.
Those were the good times.
Oh.
and how about when we used to take our little country drives and play our favorite game-- "Spook The Horse"? Oh.
they do hate the sound of that horn.
don't they? Well.
I'm gonna miss you.
Driver.
but I'm sure you'll land on your feet-- unlike those people you hit.
Will.
come on.
He's perfect for me.
Except for one little problem.
He's perfect for me.
I need this more than you.
Oh.
please! You've had plenty of dips in the love pool.
I'm still in the cabana.
trying out floaties.
Okay.
- Gimme the phone.
- Get-- No! No.
no.
no.
no.
no! - Agh! - Give it to me! Put it in my hand! You can have it when I'm done! Ow! You're hurting me with it! You're gonna break it! Will.
I told you.
you live with a hetero long enough.
you're going to catch it.
Fine.
You want him so bad.
you can have him-- even though he's gay! He is not gay.
What's this? A question of sexual orientation? The doctor is in.
- Oh.
Jack-- - No.
no.
Jack has the most finely tuned gaydar in the tri-state area.
Do-do-do-do-do Ding! He can name a gay guy in one note.
Ah.
yes.
many have sought my counsel on this subject.
They say.
"Jack is a wise man.
Jack is a dangerous man.
Jack is a gr-r-r-r-eat man.
" No.
Jack is just a man.
A man who knows men who like men.
Bring to me the facts.
Okay.
In his bathroom.
he had three magazines.
and one of them was "Martha Stewart's Living.
" He also had "Basketball Digest.
" Ah.
you both make compelling points.
but I believe the truth is to be found in the third magazine.
- "Vanity Fair.
" - Unless it's "Vanity Fair.
" You're right.
Will.
He is good.
Now.
there is one question you can ask that will reveal the truth.
I hesitate to share this secret with you.
for it has awesome power.
What would that question be? Are you gay? Thank you Homo Won Kenobi.
( knocking on door ) Who is it? Peter: Oh.
hey.
guys.
It's me.
Wha-- wha-- wha-- hey-hey-hey! How about bringin' the desperation level down about three clicks.
huh? Not attractive.
Open the door.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Want to go to a movie? - Movie.
that's a good idea.
- Oh.
yeah.
- Why don't you come in? - Oh.
thanks.
We really want you to meet a friend of ours.
Um.
this is Jack.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Hello.
I know.
So uh.
there's a couple of movies I was into checkin' out.
Hey.
Peter.
uh.
before we go.
there's something I want to ask you.
- Will.
don't.
- Grace.
I need to ask him.
- No.
you don't.
- I think it's important.
- Not now.
No.
- I need to know.
Grace wants to know if you like boys or girls.
Will! Eh.
do I like boys or girls? Well.
isn't it obvious?! - Yes.
I've been trying to-- - Yes.
- No.
we're having trouble.
- I have no idea.
I gotta tell you.
This has never happened to me before.
Look.
we're-- We're just trying to figure out which one of us you're dating.
Dating? Who said anything about dating? I thought we were friends.
Well.
it started out as friends.
but you sniffed me.
Yeah.
and-- and then you let me hold your club.
Oh.
my.
- Where you-- where you-- - Where you going? You know.
I'm-- I'm gonna take a rain check on the movie.
This is what I get for movin' to New York.
And to clarify things.
you're not my type.
Wow.
- That was embarrassing.
- Yeah.
How do you feel? What do you mean.
how do I feel? Sweetie.
you just got dumped.
Oh.
I don't think so.
You got dumped.
He's clearly gay.
Oh.
please! - What are you talking about? - Come on.
Iet's eat.
He's straight.
You think everybody's gay.
Okay.
we never go after the same guy again.
- Unless it's George Clooney.
- Agreed.
In which case.
we share.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Going down? - We'll take the stairs.
- We'll take the stairs.