Will and Grace s03e01 Episode Script

New Will City

And the guy I'm supposed to have a meeting with is in 2-I, so I say to the doorman, "Excuse me, is there a 2-I in this building? I'm looking for 2-I.
He's ignoring me.
I must have said "2-I" like 15 times.
The guy finally puts down his newspaper, looks right at me, and he only has one eye.
You lie.
That did not happen.
Swear to God he only had one functioning eye, and the other one was like a mini glazed doughnut a sort of congealed Paging new subject.
New subject to the white courtesy telephone! So how's the Island? Do you just run around naked all day in war paint chasing things with a pointy stick? Grace It's the Virgin Islands.
It's not Fire Island.
But yes.
Sweetie? I'm still holding the elevator.
Are you coming? Oh, I'm--I'm talking to Will.
I'll meet you there.
Just order me what you're having.
Tofu scrambled on a bed of spinach? Yeah.
Oh! But, um, uh, instead of the spinach, I'll have chocolate chip pancakes.
Oh, hey, oh, oh! Oh! And eighty-six the tofu scrambled.
Thanks, sweetie.
You're the best.
Ok, the thing with Josh is getting very messy.
What's the problem? Last time we talked, you and Josh were clicking along.
Yeah, but Ben and I are clicking along, too, and it's getting harder and harder to click two guys at the same time.
I thought this was the new you.
I thought you were making up for the "head gear years.
" This whole thing has just gotten way too complicated.
I mean, the other night in bed, I called Josh "Ben.
" to cover it, I stretched it out into bennnd overand I ended up doing something I really never wanna do again.
Good thing Ben's name isn't Pee-Wee.
Wilma! Get your ass in the steam room asap.
Stan has some legal questions.
Oh, and he's wearing the shorty robe, so if I were you, I'd pick a point on the wall and focus on it.
Grace, I'm sorry.
I'm wanted in yet another nude business meeting.
No! You do this to me every time we talk.
Grace, I would much rather talk to you than avert my eyes while Stan re-adjusts his soft currency, but I gotta go! - Wilma, shift it! - Honey, I'm sorry.
Damn it! Thanks.
You can just put it on my tab.
And you know what? Go ahead and give yourself a big, fat tip.
Thank you, Mr.
, Uh Truman.
Will Truman.
That's my name Will Truman Hey, Jack.
But you can call me Jack.
My friends call me Jack.
You wanna be my friend? Thanks a lot, Grace.
Thank you very much! That was the man I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
We we gonna get married in Vermont and adopt Himalayan whistle kids.
But thanks to you, I'll be alone until-- Until the pizza boy delivers.
And, boy, does he ever! Thanks for the remind.
- See you later.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's going on with you? I haven't seen you around the old spa lately.
Jack, just because you lie around there naked doesn't make it a spa.
It's a laundry room.
What's with the mood and the 'tude? Nothing.
It's just It's--it's--it's really not your area.
Whaddaya talk? Everything's my area.
Unless it's about your lady parts, 'cause that's more Will's area.
Come on Well, I've-- Have you ever dated two guys at the same time? Forgive me.
It's just that I've been juggling Ben and Josh for a couple of months now, and I think I need to make a decision.
Boy trouble? Now you're talkin' Jackanese! Come on.
We'll have a steak.
You'll pour your heart out.
And to top it off, we'll rent a movie.
You're into gay porn, right? Who isn't? Will & Grace Season 3 - Episode 01 New Will City synchro: kingo I don't understand what's taking so long to set up one lousy offshore multinational holding company.
My husband and I want off this damn Island already.
It's hot, it's muggy.
There's nature everywhere you look.
It's hot.
So stop stringing those puka shells and get us up and running.
Yoy know, there are thousands of children in the third world who rely on the 11 cents an hour my husband pays them.
Do you really want that on your conscience? Huh? Do you? Damn it, Stanley! Not in front of the help! I want this whole thing squared away within the next week.
Is that understood? Oh, and, uh Get rid of those ridiculous strappy sandals you've been running around in.
You're not Jennifer Lopez, for God's sake! - And another thing, I-- - Oh, shut up.
What? Shut up! For 3 months, I've been putting up with your yelling, your ranting, your barking drink orders at me-- I'm not gonna do it anymore! I'm sick of this Island.
I'm sick of having more sand in my ass than Libya.
But mostly, I am sick of you.
Bu-- Cl-- Wha--! I must have been out of my mind to take this gig in the first place.
Karen, I will see you back home where I'm actually needed.
Hey, you walk outta here and you can say goodbye to makin' partner! Stanley, I'm sorry this didn't work out, but good luck and Damn, man! Pull down that robe! Ok, now, remember, let each gesture tell a little story the way she does, - Ok? - I'll never be like her.
Well, of course not.
She's one of the great artists of all time.
But we're not gonna honor her by quitting, ok? Now, come on, let's go again.
Oops! I did it again I played with your heart got lost in the game oh, baby, baby.
Yes, that's totally it! I actually feel the spirit of Britney in the room.
And you Are not that innocent.
Oh, gosh.
I gotta go.
I gotta go see Ben.
And by the way, thank you so much for that advice.
You were so right.
Ben is the one for me.
Will! - Hey! - Hi! Hi! What are you doing here? I came home.
I'm here.
Where's the love? I just flew coach! I need some love! Oh, my god! Look who's back! Yay! You look so tan and gorgeous! Missed you.
Hey, lady! You're back? Don't worry.
You can still stay in the guest room, Kato.
Yay! You're back! Yay! You're so tan and gorgeous! Thank you.
- Oh, my god! You're thin! - Huh? You've had something done.
Ho! You've been sucked and tucked! No, seriously, where did all your fat go? Oh, there it is.
Well, listen, kids, I'm gonna skedooch so you two can make love.
FYI, I missed you.
Don't make a big deal out of it.
Just be happy a celebrity is talking to you.
I'll call you later, ok? Kiss it.
Kiss it.
Spank it.
Peace out.
What-- What was that? Oh, oh, that's just a-- just a thing that we do.
Hi! Hi! Hi! Come, come, come! Sit! Tell me, tell me! What are you doing back here? Oh, the Island, it was awful.
And by awful, I mean Karen.
I--I-- And I missed you.
I just felt like every time we talked, I wasn't there for you.
But I've had plenty of time to consider your latest problem, and I think I have the fix.
What problem? You know, your "torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool" thing.
Oh! Oh, right.
Now, you know I love Ben, but I think in this case you should go with Josh.
I mean, yes, he's a little crunchy and groovy.
But he adores you, and That's what counts, right? Right.
So there's the verdict.
Josh is the one you should be with.
I am so glad you're back! And I hate to do this, but I have to go.
I've got a brunch, and I--I'd move it till later, but then it would be lunch.
Ok, well.
We'll talk about it later.
And, uh Peace out.
I always feel nervous at customs lines.
Even if I haven't done anything wrong, I still feel guilty.
I don't know why.
Don't worry, honey.
Wayne there's my friend.
We go way back.
Friend Wayne! Where you going? UhWayne! Wayne! Don't go away! Where'd my Waynie just go? UmI shouldn't be telling you this, he's being fired for accepting bribes.
Apparently he was letting people smuggle all kinds of stuff in the country-- emeralds, ivory, illegal prescription drugs.
What people will do! Honey.
Uhsay, is this your 100? No.
Must be mine.
Why don't you go ahead of me? You look like you've had a hard life.
Ohthanks! I've got to tell you I find these toilets that flush themselves very threatening.
That's nice, honey.
Listen, I've gotta pop over to the duty free and pick up a carton of cigs for the kids.
Would you be a peach and carry my bag? - Oh, sure.
- Oh.
- I mean, Josh is really-- - Grace, we've been through this already.
I'm telling you, Ben is the one you should be with.
Right, right.
Of course.
Besides, there's something about Josh I don't-- I can't put my finger on it.
But Will thinks I should dump Ben.
Why are you even listening to him? I mean, Will's not thinking straight.
Ha ha.
You cannot have that much fat sucked out and function normally.
I'm telling you, Ben is the way to go.
You know what? I think you're right.
It feels right.
You are so good at this.
Who's my good boy? Who's my good boy?! So, what are you reading? Ooh, he's cute.
"Texas to execute another inmate.
" I do love them bad boys.
Well, you can read it later when I line your cage with it.
What crawled up your culottes? Nothing crawled up my culottes.
It's just that you're two inches from my ear polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.
All right, I get it.
I get it.
It's the surgery.
You know, Grace told me her mom was a little testy, too, after her first No, no, no.
I'm not testy.
What are you talking about? Bobbi Adler never had a face-lift.
Uh, yes, she did.
Grace told me.
She told you her mom had a face-lift? Yeah.
You didn't know that? Of course I knew that.
I just didn't think it was something that she would tell you.
If you knew that, then why did you just say you didn't? You know what? Forget it.
Just take your crayons and go practice your lower-case letters.
Hey, don't go ridin' around on your huffy bike just because Grace tells me things she doesn't tell you.
Grace doesn't tell you anything.
AhSure, she does.
We spent a lot of time together while you were away, mister! I bet you I know more about Grace than you do.
I am not gonna play that game with you.
What's her middle name? That's easy.
It's I'm sorry.
It's what? It'sja.
Did you say julia? Ah, yes, I did.
Well, it's not.
It's Elizabeth.
Because her mother loves Elizabeth Taylor.
Well, whoop-de-damn-doo! Doesn't say anything about who she is.
- Ok.
What was her saddest childhood moment? - I don't know.
When she discovered that hamsters can't fly.
What was her nickname in junior high? - I don't know.
- Gross Adler.
What was her first method of birth control? - I don't know.
- Prayer.
- What does she want name her first daughter? - Ha! It's.
I don't know.
Lilly! Ha ha! Spelled with 2 Ls but still pronounced lily.
- Lilly.
- Yes! It's her great-grandmother's name, it's her favorite flower, and we planted a whole box of them outside her bedroom window while you were away having three of your chins sucked out! But you didn't know that, did you?! Ll-ll-ll-ll! Pfft! This is stupid.
Get away from me! Aww! So sad! So pathétique.
Poor Will just found himself à pied de terre on la rue de la pathétique.
Your mother took the straps off your bed about 20 years too early.
How was it? Oh, it was ok.
It was mostly business.
Stan gave me a monkey, though.
Heh heh.
Sweet little thing.
Bit of a biter.
Gave Rosario a nasty little ass hickey! Ha ha ha ha! Oh! Ooh! Ooh! You ok? Uhyeah.
Ever since I've been back, I've been getting these shooting pains.
Well, have you done anything unusual since you've gotten home? Eaten? Loved? Worked? Well, let me see.
We landed.
We got our bags.
Rosario took the fall for some black pearls I was smuggling.
I went home, greeted the kids warmly over the intercom.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Rosario was arrested? Yeah.
She's in a holding cell in Queens! Ha ha ha ha-- Oh-oh-oh! Ooh! Ooh! Wait! Wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Because of something you did, Rosario was arrested? Honey, who gives a crap about my maid? My tummy hurts! Have you noticed that every time I mention her name you grab your stomach? What? Whose name? - Rosario.
- Ooh! - Rosario.
- Ooh! - Rosario.
- Ooh! Knock it off! What you're feeling are pangs of guilt.
What?! Guilt.
Oh, boy.
How am I gonna explain this one? Uhguilt is an emotion that-- Ok.
Jumping ahead.
An emotion is something that I-- Allons! Come on! I know what guilt is.
It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything You know, like "maternal" or "addiction.
" Rosario.
Go get her out of jail! I'm not going to Queens! There are people living in cabs down there! Let her tunnel her way out! Ok.
Don't get her.
I'm sure you'll find someone else who'll clean your house and love your kids and cream Stan's liver spots and Like a puppet on a string.
Hey, what are you doing? All my plants died.
I told Jack to water them while I was away.
But I can see how he might hear that as "fill up my hard drive with Internet porn.
" What's the matter? Why are you pouting? I'm not pouting.
Hey, I watch "Ally McBeal.
" I know what pouting looks like.
You're pouting.
I heard you and Jack in your apartment last night.
What? So now you're worried that Jack's my new you? Ha! I don't Maybe - Oh, my God.
Could you be any cuter? - Grace! Oh, I'm sorry.
I just love not being the insecure wreck for once.
My feelings aren't cute, ok? I'm not the youngest brother on "Eight is Enough.
" How can you like Jack better than me? Are kidding me with this? We've been best friends for 15 years.
Do you really need me to tell you how much you mean to me? I do it for you like every 5 minutes.
No, you don't! Grace, I have to talk you off a ledge every time the Starbucks lady gives me extra foam! Well, clearly there's something going on there.
I mean, the two of you have your own language.
Grace, it's called a macchiato.
All right.
What do you want me to say? I don't know! How about something like Like you need me more than anybody else There's no one that could ever take my place And then that, you know, you promise when your last breath escapes you in this earthly life, it will whisper my name.
But, you know, in your own words.
What does this say to you? That you're out of Skin-So-Soft? The scar, Will.
Remember? Oh, right.
That's from when your sister was sleepwalking and thought you were a salami.
- That's on my thigh.
- Right.
This scar is from junior year when Scott Kelly dumped you.
Remember? I jumped on my moped, ran over to your dorm, hit a patch of ice, and flew into that stupid men's singing group.
The A Cappellicans.
God, they sucked.
The point is My love for you is like this scar Ugly but permanent.
So as long as this is on my elbow, you've got nothing to worry about.
And you know what else? Ow! What?! What'd you do that for?! Don't you ever leave for the months without telling me.
Can I say one last thing about Josh? I think you should reconsider.
I know he's not as exciting as Ben, but the man loves you.
Grace, I have to tell you something right away.
Hold on.
We're talking.
Josh is kind.
He's compassionate-- - All the things you've ever said were important to you.
- No, no, no.
You should break it off with Josh.
Jack, you know, Will has a point, so maybe I should just think about Josh a little more.
He doesn't.
You don't.
Dump him.
Jack, just because I say one thing doesn't mean you automatically have to take the contrary position.
This is about what's best for Grace, and I think-- - I screwed around with Josh.
- You should probably go with Ben.
What? Yeah, well remember how I said there was something about Josh I couldn't put my finger on? Well I Put my finger on it.
Sorry! We had a saying on the Island.
Maka maka lana Lana makalui What does that mean? I don't know.
I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy! Oh, honey, what an ordeal.
You should be down on your knees giving thanks to Saint Hootchy-Kootchy whatever coconut shell your people pray to that you didn't have to go through that! And while you were busy yapping it up with the she-man of Cell Block H, I was doing double-time at the mans.
You know I actually had to read to the kids last night? I didn't know what in hell to do, so I read 'em the warning label on my Dalmane! Oh, God-- Oh, but listen to me goin' on like this.
It's terrible! I haven't even given you a chance to thank me for springing you outta Oz! Oh, honey, watch it! My drink! My drink! My drink! Honey! Honey! Honey, honey