Will and Grace s03e02 Episode Script

Fear & Clothing

Will! Open the door! Will! What's going on? It better be a fire.
With really cute firemen.
Will, hurry up! I'm Will by the way.
Mipanko.
And why wouldn't you be? Aah! Someone just tried to break into my apartment! I was sleeping, and I heard the door jiggle, and then they tried to jam it open! - There's someone out there! - Oh, my god! A-are you all right? Nnno! You stay here, and we'll-- we'll go check it out.
Jack, you may wanna grab something heavy.
I am so freaked out.
I cannot believe someone was trying to break into my apartment.
There's probably someone roaming the hallway with my picture in one hand and an axe in the other.
Oh, thank you.
That feels nice.
Who are you? Mipanko.
Like the candy treat? And don't worry, Jack has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.
The Navy Seals, they train him for this sort of thing.
So, you two are pretty close, huh? As close as two men can get in 11 minutes.
Somebody was definitely trying to get in.
The doorjamb was messed with.
Yeah, but the ball cock is ok.
What? Why did you check the toilet? I didn't.
I just like saying it.
Heh heh All right, well, there's nothing we can do tonight.
So, you wanna-- wanna stay here? No.
No, I'm not going to be chased out of my own apartment.
Then they'll have won.
I'm gonna be strong.
Will you sleep over with me tonight? Please! Please, please, please-- Why do I only get these offers from women? Ok, all right, all right, all right! Thank you! Who's my hero? Who's my big strong man? I don't know.
We'll stay over till he shows up.
Will & Grace Season 3 - Episode 02 Fear and Clothing synchro by kingo Will? Are you asleep? You kidding? Between the mouth-breathing, and the wheezing, and the sinuses, it's like sleeping with a Sleestak.
This breathe-easy strip doesn't work.
- Ow!! - Ow!! - What? - Could we talk about your toenails? I'm sorry.
I'll cut them.
Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators? Shh! Listen! Listen! What's that?! I just heard someone outside! You heard nothing! There's nothing out there, so just-- Oh, my God! - See! - Don't freak out! - I have never freaked out! - Shh! Shh! Stay here.
Nothing.
It's nothing.
We're fine.
Did I just scream like a woman? Don't flatter yourself.
You scream like a girl.
Will, if there had been someone out there, what would we have done? I don't know.
Grate some cheese with your toenails and invite them in for quiche? Come on, let's go back to bed.
What? No, no! - I can't sleep here.
- Oh! No, I'm too creeped out.
No, I--I don't-- I don't feel-- I don't feel good here anymore.
All right, we'll go to my apartment.
It'd make more sense, anyway.
At least this way, we'll get some peace and quiet.
Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog! - I win! - Damn! Every time! - What are you doing? - Playing Biggly Bog! Biggly what? Bog.
It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.
Look, Grace can't sleep over there, so we're gonna stay-- Why is Mipanko wearing my kimono? Blanche, I think the bigger question is, why do you have a kimono? And how many times have I told you to keep your animals in your room, doctor do-nothing? Shh-shh-shh! Just keep it down.
You'll wake up Poppy.
Who's Poppy? Mipanko's Poppy, Will.
He showed up here in tears.
Poppy got in a fight with his parents.
It's ok, Poppy.
We'll be quiet.
Ok.
And we close the mouth.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- MRNG.
- Morning.
Can you imagine if whoever it was had actually gotten in? He probably would've made me rub lotion all over myself so he could make a prairie skirt out of my skin.
Karen, I have never been more terrified in my entire life.
Oh, honey.
Stan bought me a 7-karat ruby on our trip to Paris last year.
What does that have to do with the break-in? Nothing, honey.
I thought we were just swapping stories.
Jeez Louise! Didn't realize it was "All about Grace" day.
Oh, there it is.
Miss Karen, they were out of Grey Goose, so I got you extra Stoli.
Ooh! What's going on here? This doesn't concern you.
I'm turning the fridge into a minibar.
So what did you bring me, Rosiola? Oh, all your boys are here.
Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, and the 2 Glens, Livet and Fiddich.
I think I'm gonna give the boys a shimmy.
Whoo! Oh yeaah! Hey, boys! Karen, Karen No.
No, no, no, no.
No, this is not a hotel.
We work here.
You cannot have a minibar.
Where should I put the giant Kit-Kats? Stick them in the minibar.
I've had it, Grace! If you leave the toilet seat down one more time-- Are you two still fighting? What is she doing here? It's 9:45.
Shouldn't she be at lunch? What is she doing here? Shouldn't she be at the Westside Y bobbing for boyfriends? - Why are you still doing this? - Hey hey hey! I did her a favor by marrying her maid.
And what do I get in return? Nothing! She is dead to me! Nobody tries to soak Karen Walker for half a mil and my bustier collection! She is dead to me, too! You know, this is my office.
I had to have Rosario deloused after being married to it! Hello, I'm in the room! Enough! Stop! Not another word from any of you! Suck it-- Ok, enough! All of you, just go off to your corners and just-- be strange! Now! Ahem.
Rhymes with witch.
I am sorry, but I am just not in the mood to play mediator.
I am having the hardest time just feeling safe in my own home.
Why? What happened? What are-- What are you doing? It's "Behind the Music" with Mariah Scarey.
I am right in the middle of "Rumpole of the Bailey.
" Don't just grab the remote! I'm sorry.
It was very wrong of me.
What?! Where did you get that? Ooh, look! This is the part where Mariah pretends not to hate Whitney.
Give me that! We are going to watch "Rumpole of the Bailey.
" Out of my way! Out of my way! They're reattaching a woman's scalp on The Learning Channel! Put it on! Sorry, Grace.
Will's watching "Bunghole up my Mainly.
" It is "Rumpole of the Bailey," and seeing as I have the remotes, that's what we're watching.
Grace! Wha You've seen this thing, like, 5 times.
I know, but it's hard to watch the whole thing.
Each time I watch, I see a little-- Whoa! No, no! We are watching this! - Mariah! - Rumpole.
No, no! Just leave it alone! Cut it out already! Wait, what happened? Why is it on "Highway to Heaven?" You broke it! Now it's stuck on Pax TV.
That's it! Get out here, both of you! Come on, out! I can't sleep.
Y-you've eaten all my food.
There's so much hair at the bottom of the bathtub, I swear it's about to ask me if I want a falafel.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry.
I love you both, and I want to help you, but I'm afraid one of you is gonna have to go.
Whoa, Cassidy, Cody, enough! I know, I know! You're scared of your apartment, and you're a homo without a home.
I know! They're very good arguments, a-and trust me, this is not a decision I'm eager to make, so-- So you make it.
Kumquat? You decide who's going to stay and who's going to go.
- I'll be back in an hour.
- Where are you going? Where every red-blooded American man goes when he needs to blow off steam The sweater department at Bergdorf's.
Scissors! Scissors! Scissors! Scissors! Stop doing that! It doesn't work if you do the same thing! - Then stop doing scissors! - You stop doing scissors! - Fine! - Fine! Again.
Scissors! Scissors! Scissors! Scissors! You suck at this! Listen, this is no way to decide who's going to stay in this apartment.
Let's just be fair.
Let's be reasonable.
I'm thinking of a number between one and 10.
Do you have no respect for me? I'm not gonna play that stupid game.
- Just pick a number! - Five.
Damn it! You were wrong.
Jack, for once in your life, would you stop being so selfish?! I was robbed! My apartment still feels creepy! Oh, shut up, Adler! Your apartment was creepy before you were robbed! You just wanna stay here because this place doesn't smell like bologna and mulch.
Well, you're nothing but a leech, McFarland! You just glom on to someone like Karen or Will, and you leech, and you mooch, - and you leech, and you mooch, and you leech-- - Scaredy-cat! - Parasite! - Overbite! Underdeveloped calves! Here you go.
I'm here to pick up Stanley Walker's suit.
Karen, it's meWill.
Oh! Hi, Wilma.
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you! Silly me.
So, could you grab me that suit? I'm kind of in a hurry.
Karen, I don't work here.
I'm-- Actually, you know what? I'm on my break right now, but the other salesguy'll be back in just a minute.
- So, how you doing? - All right.
Just doing a little shopping while Grace and Jack-- Buh-buh-buh-buh! Do not say that name to me! He is dead to me! And that one goes to the bottom of the pile.
I can't believe you're still mad at him.
I clothed and fed that man for a year, and he tried to fleece me.
And he didn't even have the decency to put me into an insulin-induced coma first.
Are you actually surprised that Jack McFarland took advantage of you? I mean, that's like being surprised when the counter help at yogurt shop seems sad for no reason.
Come on, this is Jack we're talking about.
Go on, salesperson Jack is like a-- a puppy.
You don't stop loving him because he piddles on the carpet.
You just roll up a newspaper and hit him on the snoots.
He does have that sweet puppy breath.
Yeah.
And we both know how much he loves chasing that tail.
Here you go.
Thanks.
I'm really glad we worked things out, Grace.
Yeah, me, too.
Sorry I bitch-slapped you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, so guess what? We've come to a decision.
Well, good.
I figured if I just got out of your way, you'd do the right thing.
So, what did you decide? I'm in, Red's out.
Well, ok, that's good, that's--that's fine.
And you're ok with this? Yeah, I'm gonna have my Aunt Pescha come over and get rid of the evil spirits.
Then of course, the problem becomes getting rid of my Aunt Pescha, bu-- And if that doesn't work, then I'll just find another place to live.
I mean, we really talked about it, and--and he really does need this more than I do, so-- Plus you lost three straight rounds of thumb wrestling.
Ok, not necessary.
- So I'm gonna get going.
- Yeah.
Hey, Will, you know, can you run out and get me some bee pollen extract for my tea? Yeah, it's a little dullsville.
Hold that thought.
Just wanna try a little experiment.
You sit there with that.
And you come here.
Yes, much better, much better! W-what's going on? I thought you wanted us to make the choice? I did.
I just didn't think you'd pick the wrong choice.
May I remind you that I'm your one remaining link to the gay world.
Jack, I love you.
I'm sorry, but-- For the sake of our friendship, I can't live with you.
So you're shutting me out? Is that-- Is that wh-- Mmm, yeah, that tastes good, yeah.
All right, fine.
You know what? If you need me, I'll be out on the street sleeping in a hat, tissue boxes for shoes, selling figurines of kittens made from scraps of metal and old soup.
Hey, Eponine What I had in mind was you sublet Grace's apartment.
Or technically, your mom and I sublet Grace's apartment.
What do you think? Works for me.
Yeah, you'd like that, I'm sure.
Yeah, right.
Yeah! There's 9 months left on my lease.
Wouldn't you like it? Yeah, ok, Grace! Oh, my God, I have my own apartment! All it needs is a little gay spray and a half-dozen torso sculptures, and I'm home! Let's go tell everybody! Exeunt flourish! - So.
- Yeah.
So we're living together again.
Yes, we are.
You sure about this? Sweetie I have never been less sure about anything in my life.
Oh, thank God! Me, too! - Oh! Hey, poodle! - Hello.
Guess what? Good news.
We're not mad at each other anymore, because I've forgiven you.
Interesting, because I haven't forgiven you.
So what's your point? Oh, all right, I'm sorry.
There, we're done.
Come on, let's go get French tips.
Karen, I am not a light switch that you can just apologize to and expect me to forgive you.
My emotions are much more complex than that I need time to heal.
I don't accept.
- You don't what? - I said I don't accept.
I don't think you understand what just happened here.
The only other person I've ever apologized to was my mother, and that was court ordered.
So please accept my apology in the spirit in which it was intended or I'll kick you in the gittles.
No! Now be gone before someone drops a house on you! Hey, up yours, Dorothy.
May you tan and freckle! Don't mind me.
I'm just grabbing my toothbrush and a Balance Bar.
Ow! Hey, that looked like it hurt.
Yeah, tell me about it! She could be bleeding.
That's not funny.
You wanna know something else that's not funny? You know, um, yesterday she slipped on some bacon grease in the kitchen, and she missed the counter-top by this much.
She could have lost an eye! Last night, Olivia shoved Butler down the service stairwell, knocked him unconscious! - When did you find him? - Not till this morning! He might need a brace! Oh, Kar, I missed you! Oh, I missed you, too, honey.
Wink, wink! I felt so bad, I went out and bought this.
- Oh, for me? - No.
But we can go buy you a little happy.
Come on, let's go to Bergdorf's.
- Say, did you know Will works there now? - Get out! and that concludes the "Highway to Heaven" Marathon.
Stay tuned for the "Making of the Highway to Heaven Marathon.
That was good.
Night, Poppy.
And