Will and Grace s04e20 Episode Script

He Shoots, They Snore

Ok What does this say to you? It says this is our busiest night at Fuddruckers; I can't seat you without a reservation Come on! It's my first day teaching that design seminar You know, at The New School? I wanna look nice So, do you think you're gonna sleep with any of your students? Will, it's interior design The whole class is gonna be nothing but women and gay guys So, you'll give it your best shot Good morning, Will My word, you're stunning That was you taking my breath away Then how come I can tell you had tuna for breakfast? Looks like somebody's sense of humor's had a tune-up Um, I'm here to help you help me help you help me Help you help me help you Ok, ok, ok, stop it before I help you help me hurt you Ok, here's the scoop, Jackson Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen is making me do inventory So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday Please just say yes, I promise I won't ask for anything else again! - Ok - Damn you, Will! Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips! Hey, lord of the ring dings I said I'd do it Oh.
Sorry I wasn't listening It will be fun Elliot and I never get to spend any time together Nice to have the opportunity to get to know him a little before your genetics take over and he turns into a screeching howler monkey You know what?! Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (He Shoots The Snore) ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Hi, honey Sorry, I'm late Where should I take my clothes off? Karen, you can't take your clothes off This is a classroom, not a park Honey, don't you remember? You asked me to be your T and A T.
Teacher'sAssistant Oh! Well, that makes more sense So, where should I take my clothes off? - Hello? - Hi! Hi! Come on in! Welcome Oh, Lord There's a lot of gay guy-straight girl couples It's like a hologram of your past relationships That's nice Hello, everyone I'm Professor Ms.
Grace Adler And I would like to welcome you to Introduction to Interior Design by Professor Ms.
Grace Adler Over the next 3 days, you will hear about a fast-paced world of upscale clients magazine covers and 6-figure commissions But first, in order to truly understand contemporary interior design one must go back a bit Back to 3,000 B.
C¡¦ Will, thanks a lot for doing this I know this isn't exactly your thing Hey, it's not like I'm new to the world of sports You know what? When I was 11 I begged my dad to buy me this pastry bag with an assortment of rosette tips so I could bake a poodle cake for my friend Jenny's confirmation And he, uh he sent me to a sports camp to butch me up Let me tell you something my baseball diamond cakes? Very big hit Huh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I hear that's how Derek Jeter got started I'll go sign us in Hey.
I'm, uh, Ken Uh, Scott's father You must be Elliot's dad Actually, no, I'm his dad's best friend I'm Will Truman - Oh, hi - Hi - Got any kids of your own, Will? - Not yet That's probably why you look so rested No, that's just a good moisturizing routine and a nighttime gel mask What are you, gay, Will? Yep.
Member since 1985 Yeah, if I hang on for one more year I get triple miles Wow I've never met a gay guy before - Really? - Yeah Well, statistically, if you haven't met one then you must be one I'll see you around Hey, Elliot Oh, hey, Nancy How was practice? Good Lindsay threw up bacon on the foul line and then her mom yelled at her because they're kosher Cool Um, well, I gotta go to the girls' room - Is that your girlfriend? - Shut up Sorry, it just looked like she was into you Yeah, whatever - Really? - Oh, yeah I had girls throw me that look a few times when I was your age What, when you were making those cakes? Look, I may not have won any basketball games but when there was an art fair my hand-painted linens kicked ass! Note the use of interior space in this limestone mastaba located in a tomb near Giza and built during the reign of Ramses II That's right, boys and girls he was not just a condom he was a pharaoh Excuse me Oh! A question Excellent I saw P.
Diddy's house on "MTV Cribs" Do you know who did that? Um, I heard that Michael Jackson has a sleigh bed made entirely out of bones Is that true? Ok, whoa, girls.
Slow down We're not even at the Trojan War yet And again, not just a condom, a war Mastaba All right Why don't we take a 5-minute break so you can stretch your legs, get some coffee guess how old your teacher is Liar When we return we will talk a little bit about interior design after the birth of Jesus Let's not forget Jesus was a carpenter a carpenter who probably answered to an interior designer Something to think about on your break! Is three hours too long for a 5-minute break? Ba ba bop-up ba ba ba ba bop-up bup bup bup bup ba ba bop-up ba ba ba There he is Hey, Will Hey! Hey - It's, um, Ken, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah Uh, this is Will Uh, the guy I was telling you about Oh, so you're the gay guy Yeah Why, are you the torch-wielding villagers? - Go ahead - No Go ahead, go ahead - Alan wants to ask you something - No, I don't wanna ask him - You ask him - Oh, come on don't be a f-- Just go Well, you know I--I was thinking you know, I-- I always imagine that since you're all guys and everything and-- and there's no one there to say no that, uh you must be, like doing it constantly, right? Oh well, actually, I probably have sex no more than you guys - Oh, I thought there'd be more - Why be gay? - That¡¯s disappointing - Oh, you know, you're thinking I thought with the dancing and everything / And the music Hey, Will, can I talk to you? Sure, buddy What's up? Um, well, Nancy and I were talking and I was telling her about my band and then all of a sudden she stopped talking And I thought that she thought I was a dork, because, you know I don't have a band? And then, before I knew it we just-- we just sorta kissed Elliot, your first kiss! This is a big deal! Dude! Chill out! Yeah, it's just, I--I don't know what this means, you know? I-i-is Nancy my girlfriend? Do I-- Do I have to start, like paying for her food and telling her she's pretty all the time? If that makes her your girlfriend Jack and I should be engaged by now Yeah, but, you know, I don't-- I don't wanna mess this up What if she stops liking me? Look, if Nancy's anything like me and most little Nancys are she's just as nervous as you are So, take your time You'll be fine - Really? - Yeah Thanks, Will You know what, I--I guess I'm also kind of nervous about the big game tomorrow Oh, yeah Well you could--you could do what I do but I don't know where we're gonna find cake flour and shortening around here Hi Jack McFarland I believe my reservation's under Vin Diesel And if I'm not under Vin Diesel any cute guy will do Hey I wasn't expecting you until tonight Well, we were doing inventory and Dorleen let me off early because she said I have the attention span of a-- that is a fantastic blue! We are sharing that! Come on, take it off - I'm not taking it off - Oh, just for a second - I'm not taking it off! - It's gonna be mine anyway! Just take it off! Mine! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Will, is everything all right here? Is this guy giving you trouble because you're gay? You'd better learn a little tolerance, buddy! Ow! He tapped me pointedly It's ok, guys This is a friend of mine Oh Ohh! He's the wife We'll leave you two alone You got yourself a real looker there - What was that about? - I don't know I think I'm their gay mascot Hey, listen, so Elliot had his first kiss! - He what?! - Yeah You know, he was a little worried about it but it's ok I talked him through and he's fine You what? I helped him I gave him advice and I was pretty good Advice! You d-- Oh! Oh-h-h-h-h-h No! You do not give him advice That is my job, I'm the father! - What were you thinking? - Jack! Don't Jack me! You've crossed the line here, Will I'm done with you You hear me? Done! A little help here? I'm trying to storm off Get the hatbox! Let's go! Hi, what's going on? What's happening? What's the emergency? I think I'm in trouble Well, you came to the right place Here's what we're gonna do We're gonna change your name get you a new face, and ship you out of the country Here's your passport "Rosario Salazar.
" This is your maid's She don't need it She ain't going anywhere Ok, ok, ok Look, Karen I--I--I ran into some ex-students at the coffee shop and the only way that I could lure them back to class was to promise them a tour of a celebrity apartment Oh¡¦/ Mm-hmm So, I need you to hook me up with one of your famous friends Sweet Grace! Now, I'm gonna tell you something and I don't want you to take it the wrong way 'cause you know I love you, yeah! But, um the reason that they're my friends is because I don't introduce them to people like you Ok, I gotta go You're not going anywhere Wh--! Oh! B--! Look, you you are the worst assistant on the planet There are chimp assistants in the Congo who are better than you Because of you, my phones don't get answered my faxes don't get faxed I'm constantly getting mail for Grane Adloaf but I put up with it and you know why? Because I'm pretty? No, because you're connected You know everyone That is all you do, and you are going to do that for me now I'm calling in my chit Grace! Language! Honey, I'm not liking this visit Honey, look, a cupcake! I could do this forever, Karen Just think about it You could be stuck in this apartment for years But I--I can't think of anyone! Have I ever shown you the view of New Jersey from my bedroom window? Oh, Katie Couric! I'll get you Katie Couric! Hmm Katie Not bad Everyone's seen the interior of her colon but no one's seen the interior of her apartment Excuse me is this seat taken? Uh, does it look like it's being taken? - No - Well, it is By my righteous anger - Whoo - Ooh - Jack-- - Go away! You can't still be angry at this Look, I got you a big foam finger Now all you need is a big foam prostate Leave me alone! Moment stealer! That's your new Indian name Moment stealer.
Live with it! - Go team - Whoo Come on, he's a kid You'll have other moments You'll have hundreds of moments His first hickey his first fender-bender and, if he truly is your kid his first restraining order from Britney Spears Don't give me that I'm mad at you You have robbed me and I'll never get it back Thank you! While you two were running your mouths your kid blew an easy lay-up with no time left Talk English, man! He lost the game - I think your kid lost the game! - No, he didn't - You wanna take this outside?! - Yeah! Then go outside! And could you throw this away for me? Thank you I promise I'll be out I promise I'm going I'll meet you out there Be right there Poor Elliot He looks kind of miserable Yeah Poor kid I gotta split Hey, wait! What are you talking about? Isn't this what you wanted? A moment? Well, I wanted a good moment not this one This one sucks You take it Jack! Come on! I don't know anything about this! About basketball, about scorn from a crowd full of men with farmer tans Well, maybe not, but Elliot is feeling like a failure right now and you know more about failure than any man I know You're just saying that No, I mean it, Jack You're a huge failure But you're also his father and you love him and right now that's what he needs Maybe you're right You know what else? I'm a little jealous of that Wow, Will Thank you for admitting you're jealous of me It must be quite a load off to finally say it out loud Ok.
I just want you to know how gratifying it is that you all came back Well, we kind of just wanted to go to the famous person's house How 'bout just giving me that one, huh? How 'bout it, jerky? A bah da, bee ba tah¡¦ Hey Ok, Karen, uh the van's out front, so, uh do you want us to follow you or? Sure, honey, where are we going? Katie Couric's house What are you saying? To Katie Couric's house I don't understand - To Katie Couric's - Katie who? - Katie Couric - Katie who? - Katie Couric! - Oh! - We're going to Katie Couric's house? - Oh, my god! I love her! Yes, yes! I mean, I wanted to keep it a surprise but that's exactly where we're going You're getting what you want so, let's go! Ha ha ha! Honey, honey Um, I don't know Katie Couric Hee hee hee! - What? What? What? - Nope, nope I don't believe you! How could you lie about something like that? Honey, I had to get out of that apartment! You had murder in your eyes and spinach in your teeth! Besides, you're the one who lied about taking the students to a celebrity apartment Wait, you lied to us? There's no Katie? - I'm outta here - Me, too! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't leave, ok? All right, look, look, look Just give me another chance and I promise you will leave here inspired And I'll buy some beer and my assistant will take her clothes off Finally! So what do you say? Who wants to stay and learn some stuff? Well, how about that? I'm the worst thing to happen to interior design since basketball players started making millions of dollars Well, honey what do you expect? Hey, it took me two years to fully realize how wonderful you are How long you think it's gonna take a bunch of shallow self-involved kids all hopped up on booze and goofballs? My guess, two years - There he is - Oh, hey, hey, Will - can we ask you something? - Ok, guys, guys, enough Ok? It's very flattering but I'm beginning to feel like a circus freak here You know, we're-- we're all the same We're just men I'm a regular guy, just like you We were just going to ask if you wanted to grab a pizza with us Oh.
Oh, I can't eat that I'm off carbs this month but there's a sweet little bistro downtown - Yeah - Yeah, come on Let's take a cab, though It's raining and I'm wearing suede shoes They're nice So, see, if happens to everyone - Really? - Yeah, I promise Oh, wait I got another one So this one time I was doing my big finale Send in the Clowns I went out on that big stage and I got so nervous I threw up twice But the next night I went back out on that stage I summoned up my courage and I only threw up a little In my mouth Cool