Will and Grace s04e21 Episode Script

Wedding Balls

Hey, Hazel! Hey! Keep it down We're trying to watch "Oz" on HBO Ol? Prison love is so much hotter in Spanish His manacles are saying, "no," but his eyes are saying "si, si, si!" Grace, you've got popcorn all over your lap! Will, you don't have to-- Whoa, whoa! Oh, oh, oh! I spilled some, too All right, now-- Now no more TV till you clean your room You're a mean mom Look, Alison and Bob are staying here this weekend and I'd just like to hide the fact that we live like rats in a bowling alley Not Alison and Bob I hate Alison and Bob Do I know Alison and Bob? Alison's my cousin from L.
A She and her husband are gonna get married here in New York so they're flying in to plan the wedding Ok So, let me get this gay you have people coming over and they're staying here? Yeah Yet when I have people come over they can't stay here? - Right - Am I crazy? Is any of this making sense to anyone? Anyone? It's simple, Jack My people are responsible and respectful whereas your people have been known to pee in the corner I'm sorry Unlike your thighs that argument doesn't retain water So now, here's your chance to make it up to me I have an aunt and uncle coming into town I'd put them up but they're not attractive Can they stay here? Like you even have to ask Of course not You know what? I am sick of this! I don't know why I stay in this abusive relationship Oh, well, you must be Alison Pbbt! What was that? His mother accidentally dropped him on his head when he was a baby and then again on purpose last week - Oh, ok - Hey - How are you, buddy? - Good to see you I've haven't seen you in so long God, we have so much to catch up on - You still a lawyer? - You still an agent? - Yeah - Yeah And we're caught up Let me get you a beer Where's Alison? Oh, Ally can't fly for a couple days Ear infection Got it from the cat "Look, honey Radford's licking my ear.
" Next thing you know that ear is so full of pus that it's-- Oh, pus, good Got it.
Yeah, so you'll be-- You'll be planning the whole thing by yourself? Yeah, I registered for the gifts Oh.
Yeah I'm really excited I'm so screwed I'm clueless without her I need a woman to help me - Well, I'm pretty busy, but I can-- - No, I meant a woman with, you know - woman parts - Right Alison has taste and class and style Where am I gonna find a woman like that? Holy crap! I just found a huge ball of hair and dust under my night stand It was like pulling out my own head What? Àª & ±×·¹À̽º (Wedding Balls) ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ - Is this your card? - No - Is this your card? - No - Is this your card? - No - Is this your card? - No - Is this your card? - I can't remember Ta da! That is so freaky, Karen How did you do that? Oh, sorry, honey A magician-- like a prostitute-- never reveals her tricks Karen, take me to lunch I'm in the mood for a Cobb salad with a side of thousand-dollar shopping Can't.
Will's coming over He's got something for me to sign Oh! Will! Do not say that name I am furious with him Furious, I tell you! Why? I can sum it up in one word-- He doesn't respect me Ooh, I've got a nice idea Why don't we be cold and bitchy to him? You know, like I was to the losers on the playground when I was a kid and yesterday at Olivia's kick ball game That's brill We'll freeze Will out God, Karen sometimes I love you so much I could conk you over the head with a coconut and drag you into my fireplace! Oh, honey you're gonna make me mnpretend to cry That's so sweet Ladies - Hmm! - Hmm! Ok Karen, here's that paperwork we talked about It prevents your house staff from making any legal claims against you for mistreatment So, as long as God's looking the other way, we should be fine Oh, Jack could you come here for a moment? What are you doing? Excuse me, we're talking! I hear all of Will's ties are made out of boogers I hear he got a boredom woody during study hall Oh, I get it You're bitchy school girls trying to snub me If only there was some way I could turn my pain into grim determination and become a wildly successful lawyer while the two bitchy girls grow up to become two bitchy women Someone's got a big vocabulary and a little dictionary Just give me a signature The sooner you get that over with the sooner you two Heathers can get back to your heathering Hey! Listen! Don't you tell me what to do! Or I will rip you a new-- hold on a second You're reading The Marriage of Equals?! So am I - You're reading The Marriage of Equals? - Yes, honey, I love this book! Look, I can't put it down Me, neither! Hmm! You know, I have been dying to talk to somebody about this book Oh Me, too You know, I was gonna have my staff read it but I was worried that knowledge leads to freedom You know, that is so something Diane would say Look, I gotta go but, you know if you ever want to get together and talk about the book you just call me You know, honey - I think I will - Ok Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! I think your poodle needs to piddle Ok, here we go Why don't we start with something simple like wine glasses - Come on, Bob - Ok You just-- just trust your instincts, ok? You know what Alison likes You cannot make a mistake - I kind of like this set-- - Ooh What? Uh, nothing Oh, maybe this one's better-- I can't do it Take this.
Take it This is exactly why Alison doesn't like me Ok, but these are your gifts If there is anything that you do not like you just-- you say it, ok? Ok.
Ok Now.
Now, see I-- I think these are nice - What do you think? - Yeah.
Sure Ok Great, see? Oh! Oh! That's good Ok, um, and-- and you need some salad plates 'cause they're the perfect size - for Cinnabuns - Ok Oh, serving plates? Such a scam No one ever uses them You need 6 Ok.
Ok Oh! Ok Toaster , roaster coaster , shmo-ster (coaster:Á¢½Ã³ª ÄÅÀÇ ¹Ø¹Þħ) Ok, I'm not delusional I know it's a blender I just had a thing going Ooh Wrap him up I'll take him to go Hey, Will Hey, Grace Karen this isn't Grace This is a bag of garbage Oh, silly me How could I make that mistake twice Hey, so where are you in the book? Oh! Diane just found out about Mark's affair - Wait till you find out who it's with - Oh, honey, I know who it's with! You think you do, but you don't - It's not-- - Uh-uh - Is it-- - Maybe Oh! You little book tease No, but listen, though I really have to ask you something I did not understand the part where Diane blacked out in the middle of an argument and woke up spooning her maid What--? She didn't, you did Yeah, that makes more sense Hey listen, you want to come in? I could open up a bottle of wine talk about the book Honey, that's a nice idea Thank you I'm coming down, anyway so it'll make for a nice, soft landing Oh, hey, Kar Come on, let's go We're gonna go to Bea Arthur's one-woman show and yell out "Maude!" - Oh.
Right - That's ok.
We'll do it another time Oh, but honey, I'm dying to find out about Diane and Mark It is so great At one point in the argument I mean, you're totally on Diane's side And then it turns, and you find yourself completely sympathizing with Mark It's exactly the way I felt about the Meg Ryan/Dennis Quaid relationship God, are you guys still talking about that stupid book? I swear, the way you go on about it you'd think it had pictures of naked men frolicking Does it? All right, I knew it was stupid Come on, Karen, let's go We're gonna be late Honey, honey, honey I'm gonna take a rain check, ok? I just really need to find out about this one part But I don't want to go the show alone Well, uh, here, take Grace Ok, invitations? Done Flowers? Done And I've narrowed it down to two bands-- either a Kool and the Gang tribute band or Kool and the Gang Now, about the cake? Yeah.
Can we go back to the flowers just for a second? Why? I just wasn't sure about the calla lilies - I am - Ok Ok, now, the cake I have samples from six bakeries Whoa, whoa, whoa Is there ice cream cake? Yeah.
We're gonna have it right under the piata What is this, your 10th birthday? No, no You are going to love these Ok, here we go Mmm~~~ - Oh, are they good? - Oh, fantastic Oh! Oh, my God Oh, carrot cake Boo Oh, hello, Will.
Perfect timing I'm picking out my cake! Slow down there, Augustus Gloop You don't want to get sucked up into the pipe Sorry I say we go for the chocolate Oh, wait Alison's allergic to chocolate They can make her a fruit plate Oh, that is so good All right, I need milk - You, uh you ok there, Bob? - Oh, yeah, yeah Grace is amazing Although she can get a little scary Don't tell her I said that Yeah, just hold on-- hold on a sec What? I'm gonna finish it You having fun planning the wedding? - Yeah - You're doing a great job Thanks It's gonna be a lot easier when Alison gets here - Who? - That's what I thought I know it's just a book signing but I had the hardest time trying to figure out what to wear I must have changed my shirt, like, 8 times I guess I just want her to like me I don't know why What are you doing? Oh, I can't remember which one of these I put the booze behind Karen, this isn't your home this is-- Oh, here we go Ahh, yes Right here in self help Hi, everybody I'm Rita Pigeon Thank you And thank you for coming out today and supporting my book I hope you all appreciate the irony of my title, The Marriage of Equals My editor didn't think it would sell as well if I used my original title Women Are Just Better She's funny Now, before I read are there any questions? Honey, I want to ask one Ok Hi, my name is Anastasia Beaverhausen Tell me, did you intend the reader to have an erotic reaction to the grizzly murder of the well-muscled handyman? Did you have one? I had 3 - Then yes - Ok Uh, sir, you had a question? Karen, what are you doing here? We had important plans to go get bikini waxes - Poodle, not now - Yes, now! I've been steaming my genitals all day It cuts down the irritation on my wenis Come on, let's go - She wants to stay - She wants to go - She wants to stay - She wants to go She wants to stay Now, go faster and talk dirty - Shh! - What? Oh, suddenly, you know what's best for her? What, you couldn't go find a real person to hang out with so you get Karen? Ah! I'm sorry, sir do you have a question? Yes, sir, I have a question Why does your book tear people apart? - I don't think it does - I think it does, Maude! Maybe you could be a little more specific in your analysis Oh, don't try to confuse us by speaking French Because of your book my two friends have formed this sick little club and I've tried everything to get back with them I even came this close to reading the damn thing! So tell me, sir how many more people's lives do you intend to ruin with your-- with your writing and your poorly selected jacket photo? - Jack-- - It's too late! Hey, Bob, it's me I'm at the bridal shop Where are you? Really? What are you doing? No No morning coats No.
No ascots (¾Ö½ºÄà : ½ºÄ«ÇÁ ¸ð¾çÀÇ Æø³ÐÀº ³ØŸÀÌ) No No tails Ok, sweetie? You pick out whatever you want as long as it rhymes with regular tuxedo Ok.
Bye Hi I am here to pick up a veil--Alison Polette Here you go They really did a lovely job Yeah, they did Want to try it on with the dress? Oh, I--I couldn't That wouldn't be right I'm not even the-- Where's the dressing room? Right back there - Oh, hi.
Hi - Hi Um, I'm Mona and-- and this is Lucy And we're not sure what her name is She got her jaw wired shut so she could fit into her dress Um, uh, so where do I, uh-- - Oh, oh.
You go behind the screen - Oh.
Ok So, when's the wedding? Oh, August 10th His mother's birthday And maybe we'll cut the umbilical cord on that day, too Oh, honey, I don't know what we're gonna do about Jack What are you talking about? He's a grown man He's just gonna have to accept the fact that we're friends What? Honey, you called us friends Well, we are friends Oh! Oh.
Oh, that's rich Come on! A friend is someone you gossip about and make out with when your husband's in the hospital We just read the same book What do you we were-- we were hanging out, having fun You showed me your boobs Honey, I show everyone my boobs Ok? I showed Ed Koch my boobs at Starbucks the other day Back off, desperado! Well, maybe you were too boozed out to notice but we had a relationship going! Save it, lady I wouldn't be friends with you if you were the last woman on earth! Why am I even trying to be friends with you, anyway? No matter how many uppers you take you're still a downer - Bitch! - Witch! - Ho! - Mo! Will, thanks for bringing me down here! I know I missed out on everything but at least I can get fitted for my wedding dress! Yeah You're talking really loudly I think your ears are still plugged What?! Oh, my god! That dress makes her look like a cow! Ok, now you're-- now--now you're screaming Everybody can hear you Uh, let me handle this We're here to pick up a veil for Alison Polette Oh, Alison's here already She's trying on a dress - Oh, jeez - There's cheese here? Uh, Grace, are you in there I hope you're not doing-- --anything crazy Hi - What do you think? - You look beautiful Really? I think it needs to be taken in Yeah.
Honey, I think maybe you need to be taken in Sweetie, look-- Look at me You're not getting married I know I'm never gonna wear one of these things, am I? Oh.
Sweetie You're a beautiful, intelligent woman and somewhere out-- Don't give me the stock best friend response Be honest This may never happen for me You know what? It--It may not - Thank you for telling me the truth - You're welcome Damn, that was harsh What were you thinking? - What? But-- You just ask me to-- - I don't care You know me better than that The next time I ask you to tell me the truth you give me the stock best friend response Ok You're beautiful you're gonna meet a doctor tomorrow and you'll be married by the weekend Thank you Hi! You must be Grace I'm Alison - Hi - Hi Thank you so much for everything Bob's pretty useless, isn't he? Is that my dress? - Uh, yeah, I'm taking this right off-- - You know, it's ok, it's ok.
I get it My older sister's single I'll wait outside So, are you gonna take that off willingly or do I have to rip it off you like a Benny Hill sketch? Just two more minutes? Oh, sweetie No Thanks