Will and Grace s06e15 Episode Script

Flip-Flop (1)

This is crazy.
Ten years ago, a three-bedroom in Chelsea would be half this price.
I know.
And a two-bedroom in Clinton has nearly tripled in value.
But, oddly, Chelsea Clinton has gotten slimmer.
As an uninterested observer who looks ravishing in white I have a simple query What's going on? Oh, well, Grace and I are looking to buy a property to flip.
You know, we buy it cheap, fix it up cheap, and you resell it for not cheap.
We're flippers.
Outrageous! I want no part of your ruthless, money-grubbing schemes.
You make money.
And who loses? The big oil companies and President Bush.
I think it's disgusting.
Well, sure we make money, but everyone benefits.
You know, we'll buy for a fair price.
We'll invest our time and our creativity, and we'll flip for an honest profit.
That's right.
We're the flippers who care.
And you know how Ben and Jerry's gives five percent of its profits to charity? Well, we're gonna spend five percent of our profits at Ben and Jerry's.
Hey, kids! I got the best news and I couldn't wait to share it with you, because you're last on my list.
Lyle Finster and I are back together! Really? Didn't you guys break up? 'Cause the last time we saw the two of you, you were taking advantage of him to get back at his daughter, Lorraine.
Meanwhile, you developed real feelings for him in the process, but he no longer cared.
Oh, Jackie.
I love when you recap.
He decided to forgive me.
He's back, he's moved in, and we're shagging like two lieutenants after lights out.
That's beautiful.
It's just like An Officer and a Gentleman, when Richard Gere comes back at the end to get his guy-- Girl.
And he carries him-- Her Out of the bath house.
Bus Factory Oh, Jackie.
I'm in love.
And with the sweetest most adorable gal.
Guy So, did you have a busy day, darling? Oh, the usual.
Putting out fires, starting new ones, pissing in the wind and such.
You businessmen and your legalese.
It's all so complicated.
And now, what about you love? Thank you, Manuel.
What have you got planned for today, my darling? Just catching up on my knitting Every Easter for all of the servants, I crochet tiny little bunnies with their salaries on them.
Oh, I bet they love that.
Yes, they do.
And it's a special gift, because it comes from me.
Hey! Time to sit is time to knit.
Get on it stitch.
What a coincidence.
One knitting needle for each of your eyes.
Oh, darling, what did I ever do to deserve you? I guess, somewhere in my wicked, miserable past, there must have been a moment of truth For here you are, standing there, loving me.
Whether or not you should For somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something, something good.
something good.
Oh, darling, promise me it will always be this way.
That we'll always spend our mornings over coffee and enjoying an impromptu song.
I promise, though spontaneity makes it harder to incorporate footwear.
Ms.
Karen.
You're gonna lose it.
Whaddaya talk? Wild horses couldn't kill this buzz.
I wouldn't count on it.
Lorraine Finster! You got a lot of nerve coming here! How did you even get in? I would have thought the toothbrush hanging over the door would have scared you away.
Oh, that's what that was.
What are you doing here? What's it look like I'm doing? Turning tricks for Tootsie Rolls? I was kicked out of my place, so I'm moving in here.
Hello, mother! Thanks for walking me, Stuart.
The streets are really tough out there for a boy alone Ironically, they're tougher for two boys together.
Wow, I'm really impressed you're working with patients already.
Oh, though.
As a student nurse, I can't technically touch them, treat them, or care for them.
But I can look kindly at them and be thankful I'm not them.
And that's the best medicine of all.
Well, I'll see you tonight.
Kiss you then! Good morning! My name is Jack and today we're going to play everybody's favorite game Dead or Alive! Zandra! I'll give you ten bucks to unplug me.
Zandra, it's me.
Jack McFarland.
Remember? I'm your former acting class protégé.
I'm a student nurse now.
Yeah, I really feel like I found my calling, so don't even try to talk me back into acting.
If I start to, you put a finger right into my brain! So, how are you? Are you dying? You looking like you're dying.
I'm not dying, jerk.
I'm getting out of here today.
Oh.
So are you going home? No.
A slot finally opened up in the Actors' Retirement Village.
I waited twenty years and then fortune smiled.
Last week, someone was smothered in their sleep.
So, are you thinking about selling your old place? What's it to you, chimp? I have the perfect buyers! I'll introduce you to them, and then I'll help you move.
I'll be by at eight.
Great.
Maybe I'll be dead by seven.
Oh, Zandra! I wish everybody who died in that bed had your sense of humor.
Please, daddy.
I have nowhere to go.
I've lost everything my job, my apartment.
I am naked under this coat.
Poor dear.
Sit down, sit down.
Let us talk about it.
May I take your coat? Forget it! I don't want her sticking to my furniture.
But, darling, I thought you were doing so well in the chorus of Taboo, the Boy George musical, that you were bunking with Boy George? Well, I was, but because the show closed, he kicked me out.
Well, that and he found me in a three-way with Simply Red and Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
Hit the road, you syphillitic toad.
Karen, if there's one thing I will not tolerate, it's rhyming insults.
Sow.
Cow.
Runt.
Stop it! Daddy please? The streets are an awfully hard place for a girl like me.
Please, can you find it in your heart to take me in? Brava.
That's quite a performance, Lady Macbreath.
But they ain't nobody buying it Karen, the girl has nowhere to go.
I mean, She's my only child.
Well, the only pretty one.
Let her stay for me.
Oh, Finny, you gentle giant.
How can I say no to a face like that.
All right, fine, she can stay.
Super! But she has to drink from the hose and any trick she turns, the house gets thirty percent.
That is not fair! The industry standard is fifteen! Fifty years in one apartment.
Whew.
A lot of memories, huh? I still remember the night that Don Ameche tied me to this radiator with my bra.
Hello-oooo? Why do you do that? Why do you put too many O's on your "hello?" I don't know-oooo.
Oh, hey you guys.
Come on in! Ooh, Jack, you were right.
This is great.
A lot of potential.
Who are you?! Zandra, this is Will and Grace.
They're my best friends.
Her husband abandoned her.
His never existed.
Will and Grace, Zandra.
Hi.
We actually met last year.
I, uh, I took one of your classes.
You helped me get through to a very honest place, really excavating those layers that kept me buried emotionally.
Oh, the crying fag! That's him.
Anyway, thank you.
Hi.
It is such an honor to meet you.
We brought you chocolate and flowers.
Here are the flowers.
Zandra, we would like to make you an offer.
An offer? Zandra, now you don't have to be buried in a drawer.
Ok, here are my terms.
Either you give me two thousand more than what I paid fifty years ago, or there is no deal.
Wow.
Two thousand whole dollars.
Let me just confer with my colleague here.
Oh my God! This is a great deal! I can't believe it! No, no wait.
Aren't we taking advantage of her? Aren't we the flippers who care? You're right.
We should do the right thing.
We have to Zandra.
Two thousand is way too little.
We're gonna give you two thousand two hundred.
And a pen.
Suckers.
I already have a pen.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I brought you guys together.
Shouldn't I get ten percent commission? You're absolutely right.
And ten percent of two thousand two hundred is two dollars and twenty cents.
Wow.
This is nice.
It feels good, work.
Rolling up your sleeves, getting dirty.
And how would you know? I sanded, I painted, I brought in all the furniture.
All you did was sit on your ass and plow through a bag of Doodles.
Hey, I'm an artist.
Do you know how many Ho-Ho's Picasso went through when he was painting Guernica? Well, whatever it takes.
It's a great design.
The place looks amazing.
And we are gonna make a fortune! Let's clap on that.
Ow! You did it hard! You did it hard! Hey, hey! Lookit here! Zandra! The old dame wanted one last look before cataracts took her sight entirely.
Oh, my, this is so pretty.
It's just like when I bought it.
Look here, this is where Robert Mitchum dry-humped me when we were on dope.
Well, another Cold Case file solved.
You know what? I've changed my mind.
About what? I want my home back! Wait a minute! What about the Actors' Retirement Village? It's so fun there, with all the famous actors, who lost all their money getting swindled by their business managers, and now their only source of amusement is passing gas and pulling the covers over their head? Fun! I hate it.
Adam West never locks the bathroom door.
You hear that? She can't walk down the hallway without getting a peek at the batpole.
Now, come on, give her the place back! No! I'm sorry, but she sold it to us.
I thought you were the flippers who care? We still care.
If anything, we care more.
You're going to that home, lady! You remind me of Lucille Ball.
I hated Lucille Ball! You two are really something! Kicking an old woman out her home A place were dozens of dead actors molested her.
And for what? Money! I hope you're happy.
Let's go, Zandra.
You've been screwed in this apartment enough! Morning, darling.
Oh.
Morning.
Coffee magically appeared again today.
Would you like some? Oh, love some.
Yes.
I don't know why I slept so late.
The last thing I remember is eating that oatmeal cookie.
Rosie puts roofies in them.
I hate raisins.
Anyway, I'm sorry I passed out.
I was looking forward to making love to you.
Oh, you did.
Ugh.
Couldn't you do that somewhere else? People eat in here I don't want to see a sixty-year-old man making out with my father.
Lorraine, that is no way to greet Karen.
Sorry, daddy.
Morning, mother! Lorraine.
Could you please tone down that British accent? It makes me nauseous this early in the morning.
Darling, I have a British accent.
For which I take Dramamine.
Muffins? I don't like muffins! I want chocolate pudding for breakfast.
Lorraine! These muffins have been specially designed to keep you regular.
There are two things I will not tolerate in this house! Racism.
And constipation.
Yeah, you're the Rosa Parks of pooping.
I want chocolate pudding! Listen, English leather face-- No, no no.
Let me-- Let me Karen.
Thank you, darling.
Now, look.
Chocolate pudding it is.
Thank you, daddy! I'll be in the TV room.
Make one of the servants bring it in on their head.
Sure.
I know how much that amuses you.
Darling.
You have got to set some limits for your daughter.
You have to tell her "no" once in a while.
Believe me, I know.
I am raising two step-children of my own.
But your step-children went back to their mother.
Yes.
But when they came and begged to stay with me, in the home where they'd grown up, I said "No".
I can see how difficult that must have been for you.
But Lorraine and I are re-establishing our relationship, and I really want her to like me.
Darling, she's not looking for a friend.
She's looking for a father.
You must give her some discipline.
But, how do I discipline a thirty-two-year-old woman? Pretend she's two sixteen-year-olds.
Well, we're excited too, and we look forward to getting your offer.
They're making an offer? They're making an offer.
Four frickin' offers?! Unbelievable! Stop it! Getting rich is fun.
People that say money doesn't buy happiness, they're just not trying hard enough.
Money isn't ruining us, is it? I mean, we're still good people, right? We're still the flippers who care? Well, of course.
Why would you even ask that? I don't know.
I mean, we did sort of steal this place from Zandra and force her into a home.
What force? Getting into that place has been a dream of hers.
She's wanted to die there her whole life.
That's true.
We did a good thing.
We're good people.
And there they are.
The most dangerous thing to happen to old ladies since Ashton Kutcher.
That is a joke that both entertains and teaches.
The important thing to bear in mind is that Jack is very, very upset.
Zandra is miserable in that Actors' Retirement Village.
Those people are freaks.
They were all character actors when they were young.
Do you have any idea what they look like now? All bug-eyes and gap teeth still thinking they're nosey neighbors and wise-cracking best friends.
You sure you weren't looking into a mirror? Go ahead, laugh! But know this.
That money is cursed.
You took advantage of that sweet, gentle lady.
What's that above your eye? She put a cigarillo out on my forehead.
Shame on you! Wow, this place is fantastic.
Stuart, please.
Don't be so adorable when I'm trying to be mad.
I'm serious, sweetie.
I just think this place would be perfect for a certain couple I know.
One's a tall drink of water and the other one's much shorter and very thirsty.
I think we should take the next step.
I'm not ready for you to see me in drag.
I want us to live together.
I want to buy this place and make it our home.
For reals?! Wait-wait-wait wait a minute.
We'd love to sell it to you, but we already have four offers.
Well, five if you count that homeless guy.
And I think he just wanted to use the bathroom.
Wait.
Did he leave? Well, listen.
I'll match your best offer and I'll sweeten the deal with a tin of my world-famous peanut brittle.
Well, I don't know.
I'm not sure Oh my God, this is really happening! Do I have to chip in? Not a penny.
Oh my God, it's really happening! Wait a minute, what about Zandra.
You said that she hated the Actors' Retirement Village.
Oh, screw her.
She got in with the Gabor clique, she's fine.
I'm a bride!