Will and Grace s08e03 Episode Script

The Old Man & The Sea

Can you believe this? Now they're saying chewing tobacco's bad for you Now? What are you reading? Sunset Magazine from 1982? Stole it from the doctor's office You make me wait I take something Yeah, well, that would explain the model of a uterus on your credenza Since when do you care about chewing tobacco? I was thinking of taking it up I like a light buzz and I like to spit It just makes sense Hi, Grace Will Would you say I have a swimmer's body? Unless it's in a trunk in your closet, I'd say no Oh, hey, Jane Fonda has an exercise video coming out They're opening a new pool at the gym, Will Come on you should come with It's full of cuties It's like a hot guy soup Well, except between 12:00 and 1:00 when Paul Sorvino does laps I don't really like to swim Ugh, I never swim in pools They're filled with pee That's ridiculous It's an adult gym - Adults don't pee in the pool - Okay - Come on, Will, it'll be fun - I don't want to, okay? Wait a minute I've known you for 17 years I don't think I've ever seen you swim I don't think I've ever seen you swim either - Oh my God! - It's no big deal, okay? - I just ever learned.
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- You've got a hairpiece! I don't know to swim, okay? How How do I not know that? I had a traumatic experience when I was a kid I fell in the neighbor's pool And my mom couldn't jump in, 'cause 'Cause she just got her hair done So stuck out her foot but her mule came off in my hand Finally, she leaned over to pull me out spilled her Manhattan my eyes and said, "Oh, I give up.
" William Truman! You are a 57-year-old man! You should learn to swim You know what? I should You're right, it's the time in my life where I should be facing up to my fears I'm gonna swim, I'm gonna drink out a public fountain and I'm gonna read an Ethan Hawke novel Hey, J Hey, Wag Wag? Will and Grace: WaG Just glad my name isn't Frank So, honey, guess what? I am setting you up on a blind date with me and Malcolm So, shave what needs shaving and boil the rest I'm not really interested in a blind date Come on, honey it could be so much fun You should go, Grace It'd be good for you to go out with a guy who could curl your toes instead of your hair You know what? I should I need some space from you gays Come on, Will we're shaving my legs Yay! This is gonna make my boyfriend so happy! Aren't you a little "mature" to be referring to someone as your boyfriend? At least I can swim, jackass Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º The Old Man and the Sea ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Whoo! Mmmm! Their passion reminds me of a poem I once wrote It goes like this: "A kiss is a key to the soul To the curious mind a wonderful forever" Uh, a poem has to rhyme Like, "There once was a man from Nantucket Something, something something, suck it" So you kids having a good time? Oh, Karen, hi I didn't recognize you without Malcolm's tongue punching through the back of your head Well, Grace, since you like things that rhyme Although you are a lovely date please excuse me while I urinate You know, Grace, I do hope we're sitting in the smoking section because the sparks are flying between you and the D man Swimming fact, "Speedo" is French for "maximum package exposure" So, uh, where's my swimming instructor? Uh, I'll give you a hint He's the sexiest guy in the room Okay? And it's me, all right? Oh! See you later Wait a minute where are you going? I'm not letting you teach me how to swim! I'd sooner catch a ride home with Billy Joel! Will, I can teach you Just like I taught you how to trim around your nipples so your hair doesn't look like crazy eyelashes Yeah, after you put mascara on them! Did they or did they not pop? Come on, Will You said you wanted to learn Alright, I'll do it.
But promise me you will not make me look stupid And jump and jump and down And jump and jump and down And jump and jump and down Now, that is a heck of a scallop Boy, it's so nice to be eating with a fork rather than jamming it into some guy's neck I'm kidding! I'm a government accountant Why would I kill that guy in Budapest? You know, I like having a couple friend Let's do this every Friday! It'll be our thing I'm sure that traffic school can get along without me Well, there's just two little problems with that Um, first, it's Tuesday And second, I would hardly call Dale and I couple Yeah, Grace hardly knows me Oh, that's because you're too modest If I were compiling a CIA file on Dale and I'm not the first page would read that Dale is a piano tuner with a nifty rent-controlled apartment in Staten Island And from a distance two blocks, naked he resembles a young Charles Bronson Um, Karen would you mind coming to the ladies' room with me? - Oh, honey, I don't really have to-- - You do now - Excuse us - Grace, what are you Hey, you're right Maybe I could make a little sissy How could you think that this guy is right for me? What's wrong with him? He's totally wrong for me Ok, Grace.
I am gonna tell you something that I was saving for your eulogy You are a snob I am not a snob How could you say that? Every guy has a chance with me The unattractive, the unemployed the "lives with mom" Everyone welcome All right.
Well, all I saw was a snob sitting there with a vinegar puss acting like nothing he said was good enough for her Honestly, Grace I thought you were better than that Girls? D-train here has a great idea Dinner tomorrow night at his place on Staten Island the Riviera of New York Harbor Did you know the Richmond Hill landfill is the highest elevation on the Eastern Seaboard? Yeah, you can see it from my living room window Well, I think it sounds fantastic But I don't know if Princess Grace over here will be up for dinner at a landfill Actually, it sounds wonderful I love a good meal and I love a good dump Okay.
Now, let go of the wall and lean back and I'll support you You sure you got me? Yes, I got one hand on your head and the other on your upper ass beard Okay.
Wait, wait, where are you hands? I can't feel 'em! - They're right here - Put 'em back! Will, what is your problem?! Nothing, I'm fine.
I just want.
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I just want to go home And I think I swallowed a band-aid Will, you're being ridiculous! Where's my band-aid? Well, someone made a scene at the pool today I was upset No, I'm talking about me After you left, I jumped in the pool without looking and ended up riding Paul Sorvino for half a lap Are you okay? You left kinda fast I'm fine.
I'm just.
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I was just scared Well, you're gonna do better tomorrow I got us access to the kickboard shed Don't even ask me how I pulled that off Let's just say I had to pull something off Bathing suit Yeah, you know what? Actually, I, uh, I decided I don't wanna learn to swim What? Oh, don't answer that That might be the kickboard guy I gave him your number 'cause he sounded kinda dangerous but I didn't wanna be rude - It's Will - And Grace - You can call us "Wag" Get it? - Leave a message - I decided was cute - It's not Hi, Will, this is Adam from the pool Just wanted to confirm our lesson for 6:00 tomorrow Remember, no checks Wait a minute what was that? I thought you said you were done with swimming I know I just said that, but.
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You said you didn't wanna take any more lessons Or you didn't wanna take them from me / Jack You don't trust me Look, you're my best friend and I love you But you're not exactly reliable I mean, I wanna learn from someone that I know is gonna be there to pull me out of the pool Not someone that puts diving rings around his neck and pretends he's a woman from Kenya But how could you think I would ever let anything bad happen to you? - Jack, I do trust you - Just not with the big things You know it's a real shame, Will Because you trusted me with the biggest thing in your life and I didn't let you down then What are you talking about? You were terrified to come out of the closet And who was the one who held your hand fixed your hair, and promised you everything was gonna be okay? - You - Yeah, that's right - Hey, Grace - Hey You're the first one here Oh, Karen and Malcolm aren't here? Did they call? Are they close? Yeah, any minute Oh, well, we're fine alone Did you hear a car door slam? Oh, oh, and.
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Wow, there's the landfill It's very uh, It's very beautiful all lit up It's not lit up The hot part just broke through the retardant foam Neat Pretty sure I didn't wanna have kids anyway I'm really happy you're here, Grace I've been looking forward to this all day Oh, me too Can you just tell me when it's 8:30? 'Cause I have to be home by 9:00 For what? Oh, I have a.
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a sick rabbit I've gotta put, uh, drops his ears every five hours You know, and I just did it at That's Malcolm and Karen Oh, darn it I was gonna lay some plastic down on the couch You are chewing on my last nerve, froggy! You are eight feet of pain in the ass stuffed into a four-foot sack How hard is it to read a map?! I don't need a freakin' map to go to Staten Island! I think I've done that a few hundred times! You take the Lincoln Tunnel to the Turnpike hit the Verrazano, get off at Exit 11 and go straight Victory Boulevard That's if you wanna go through New Jersey, dumbbell Hi, Grace Nice eye shadow I'm not gonna drive all the way to Staten Island without picking up some sweet Jersey cider you slack-jawed Irish moose! Hey, Dale Baked you a pumpkin loaf Oh, thanks Man, am I steamed I'm going for walk I'm going for a walk too And don't you dare take Nome Avenue! Because I am going there taking a left on Lewiston a sharp right on Richmond and then it dead ends at Fiorelli's Pizza It's not a dead end, it's a T! Wow I didn't have the heart to tell her that Fiorelli's closed down and that area is now pretty "gangy" Oh, my God I just realized - This is a peace sign - Yeah Wow.
That is a really good chair Where did you get it? Amsterdam Yeah, I love to travel Although I usually spend all my time in the hotel watching TV and ordering room service Well, yeah Why else go to foreign countries? You can watch MTV in funny languages and see what their Coke tastes like I thought was the only one who did that No, I'm a huge Coke fiend You know, Grace there is a good chance that they're not gonna make it back alive So, uh if you wanna go there's no hard feelings You know what? Um, I'd like to stay, if that's okay I wish you would 'Cause I made "fould" I was trying to me it rhyme Oh, well look who it is Mark Spitz-in-my-face You here to meet your new instructor? I am, actually I'm really excited He's really good looking, a great teacher And I trust him with my life Well, where is he? I'd like to meet him I'm standing with him right now I'm not stupid, Will You're alone It's you, Jack I'm so sorry about what I said I was dead wrong - Really? - Yes You've been saving my life since day I met you And I don't know how I missed that I don't either It's clear as the face around your mole - Can I get another lesson? - Sure, let's go Oh, my God This was so delicious I've been living with a gay guy for so long I forgot what the skin of a chicken tastes like Thank you Yeah, once I took the skin of a raw chicken and I rolled it in butter and breadcrumbs fried it up and ate alone in my bathroom Mister, I could really fall for you Hey, you two! We are back! And I love this girl And I wuv this guy Funniest darn thing.
You know the two of us, we're stubborn as mules So when we leave this apartment we both make a beeline for Fiorelli's Turns out it's now a burned-out building that's very important to the Latin Kings / Yeah So, she looks at me, I look at her The Latin Kings look at us And I tuck her under my arm and off we go Now, I told him to go down Arden Street.
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And I'm thinking McKinley must be quicker But, I bit my tongue and wouldn't you know, she was right Let's never fight again Make that a promise, baby Dale, you got any Orangina? I'm kind of in that mood Uh, yeah Except I don't have any ice The water here doesn't freeze Although it fills you up like a bucket of KFC Ah, great night huh, honey? You know, I'm having a really good time I was being a snob Dale is funny and sweet and cooks with real butter And I think I'm going to see him again I'm proud of you, Grace Hey, Grace Nice eye shadow Did you ever hear Dale play the piano? - Uh, no.
No, I haven't - Dale? It's not.
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it isn't gonna be classical, is it? Oh, God, no Strictly show tunes and top 20 Yeeee! Oh, I love this song Someone to hold me too close Someone to hurt me too deep Someone to sit in my chair And ruin my sleep And make me aware of being alive Being alive Beeeiiinn.
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What? / Ah, I just noticed the time It's getting pretty late It's 8:30 Yeah, I was kind of hoping to be in bed by 9:00 Wait a minute is this because of my singing? Because you live in Statin Island On a landfill You know, I've learned to live with the smell But I'll never get that sound out of my ears You You're a snob And I can too sing Isn't it rich, aren't we a pair I'm sorry, Dale I had no idea Well, this has been such fun Malcolm, darling, would you please turn the car around? Why? We're turning left on Richmond We're turning right! You know this is the deep end? I know You'll be there Okay One Two Jump! See, Will that wasn't so bad Oh, look, you've already taught yourself the dead man's float! OOH! ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä