Will and Grace s08e09 Episode Script

A Little Christmas Queer

There it is! We're officially in Connecticut Where the whites keep down the other whites I'm starting to dread Christmas at the Trumans Every time someone says "Merry Christmas" your mother looks at me with pity and says "And Hanukkah" But honey, won't it be fun for you? Maybe you can bang Will's brother again Maybe? Sam's divorce just became final There's no way this one is gonna keep it in her pants What is this "it" you speak of in her pants? No, no, no.
I don't wanna know It's like that show "Lost" Once you find out what's in the hatch it's less interesting You don't have to worry about me hooking up with Sam All that stuff between us is ancient history Well, ain't that nice? The holiday whore is taking a year off Hey, Kare, why aren't you with Stan anyway? Oh.
He's taking Mason and Olivia to Thailand He loves going there because of the white sand beaches And they think he's the Buddha Oh, I can't wait to meet your gay nephew You always think everyone is gay Jordie's only nine It's no big deal that he went as Wonder Woman on Halloween He didn't go as Wonder Woman, Grace He went as Lynda Carter I once went as Lynda Carter But from the Maybelline commercial That stuff really works Kids made fun of me all night I cried and cried My mascara never ran Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º A Little Christmas Queer ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® - Mom! We're here! - Oh Merry Christmas! And Hanukkah Oh.
Now, Grace Don't feel awkward You're always welcome here even at Christmas Marilyn, I don't feel awkward Just like I'd hope you wouldn't if you came to my home on Hanukkah Thank you, dear We'll cross that bridge when we get to it Now.
Who needs a drink? I didn't come here for the company Oh, hey, Will, your brother just got here Oh, look what he's got with him A little Christmas queer Just cool it with the queer stuff in front of my mom I don't think she can handle another gay kid in the family I remember one Christmas she was so excited when I asked for two G.
I.
Joes because she thought I was building an Army She freaked when she realized I was really building a home Guys.
Really We don't even know if he's gay - Hi, Uncle Will! - Hey! Guess what! I invented a new cologne - It's called Scoundrel - And we know Uh, Scoundrel is Joan Collins' fragrance Darn it! That woman is always a step ahead of me Oh, Jordie, I am so glad you're here Now you can help me fold napkins Sure I Love him Hey! - Hi, Sammy - Hey, Will And it's my favorite niece, Casey! She's adopted But I like her as if she were real Hey, look who's here - Hi, Grandma - Oh, sweetheart You know, I think she should call me Marilyn Her real grandmothers in China might get upset Uh, mom, you are her real grandmother And, uh, thank you for hugging her instead of bowing to her like you did on Thanksgiving Hey, how 'bout we get you some apple juice? And you can drink it from a Wedgwood champagne flute Grandma loves that - Hi, Sam - Hey, Grace - It's great to see you - Yeah, me too Whoops-- - Hi - Hi So, how was the ride up? Long.
Jordie made me sing along to the Rent soundtrack So it felt like 525,600 miles Oh, Jordie's sweet You know, he's just amazing-- Yeah, he is.
You, know, I-- Excuse me, I have to go get a ladder There's a couple of bulbs out in front and now it just says "Happy Ho-days" Well, 'tis the season What with all the eggnog and the-- Uh-huh.
Excuse me Yeah, I guess you're going in there to laugh Don't you think the tree is T-Acky? - She should have gone monochromatic - E-X-Actly Yeah, you wanna pick your spots with that Jack, I wanna put on a Christmas show tonight Will you help me? I'd be D-Elighted! See.
Now that's how that works Hey, Karen, would you keep an eye on Casey for a minute? I want to run upstairs and get her my G.
I.
Joes their gardening tools and their bed and breakfast Of course I will She's so cute I could just eat her up Yeah You won't, though, right? Hello, little girl Oh, what's that? It's a diamond ring Hmm Not a very good one It's occluded the cut is pedestrian and It's watermelon Here See what a real diamond looks like Mm-hmm.
It's from my husband And believe me, you're getting it a lot easier than I did Hey, Jordie, I was just on the phone with your Grandpa George He wishes he was here, but he's with his girlfr-- He's helping Santa Hey, Will, help us with Jordie's Christmas Show A Christmas show? No, no, no.
No, Jordie that's a bad idea Grandma doesn't really like Christmas shows Really? But I've been planning it for months I know, and I'm-- I'm sorry But it makes her uncomfortable She'd rather see little boys playing in the show than than singing in the rain Jordie.
Take five Have a smoke and a carrot stick Your aunts need to talk shop What's going on here? I don't remember driving into the town from Footloose Let the boy dance! I know my mother You have no idea how many of my little plays she ruined Talking and fidgeting And doing anything to distract the family from watching her gay son do fan kicks in the beanbag chair You poor thing Ow! Let the boy dance! I just don't want to see Jordie humiliated like I was I used to be so upset, I'd spend the rest of the night scarfing down butter cookies and pretending the crinkling of the wrappers was was applause I'm sorry.
I had no idea - Ow! - Let the boy dance! Karen Try my famous holiday cocktail the Blue Marilyn I started drinking them to prevent thoughts of suicide But now, they're just fun Oh.
Delicious! What's in it? Uh-uh-uh, family secret I can't tell you I bet I can guess Blue Curacao, vodka, a splash of Peach Schnapps, some bitters and a pinch of something powdered Oh sugar Oh, perfect! You guessed them all - Ah-ha! I knew it! - Except one Has anyone seen Sam? Did you check down your pants? Oh, I sent him up to the attic to find the menorah for you, Grace We still have one from when our Jewish neighbors came over Yeah Oh, it's a shame they had to move Oh, well The neighborhood association is very strong So what's going on? Things with you and Sam heating up again? Is that a tear-away tux? Hardly I tried to talk to him and he cut me off Every time I walk into a room he finds a reason to leave God, I hate when people are rude Will, come here I wanna show you something Yeah, I saw it You put the wise men in a threeway Put it back before my mom looks outside No.
That Oh, my God He's stuffing himself with butter cookies Well, it's your work Why don't you go sign it I'm looking at myself thirty years ago Only without the Mork and Mindy suspenders Jordie Hi, Uncle Will Spit out those empty calories and put on your tap shoes I don't care what Grandma says we're putting on a show! - Really? - Yes, really! Now, go run around the yard! I want you five pounds lighter for the opening number! Wow.
This is the most organized attic I've ever been in "Gifts from the Housekeeper.
" "Gifts from the Gardener.
" How sad.
"Gifts from Grace"?! Yeah, my mother was never good at accepting gifts When I was in the fourth grade I made her an ashtray She said, "Great Now I've got to get you something.
" Well, uh, the menorah isn't where she said it was So, I guess I'll be going downstairs Sam, no.
Come on You've been dodging me all night What's going on? Nothing I just I just don't want to talk to you Oh, well, that-- that makes me feel better I'm sorry, you're right That didn't come out right Grace, it's just that, um, I'm afraid if I'm alone with you something might happen I'm less offended Keep going Not that I'm assuming you'd even wanted to Oh, I don't I mean, even on the ride here I, uh, I announced that, you know I didn't want anything to happen with you Oh.
Super I'm glad that my lack of desirability deserves an announcement No, that's not-- that's not what I mean I agree with you that, you know nothing should >I was-- I was worried that you didn't like me Oh, God, no Grace, I, uh I do I do like you Well, good 'Cause I like you, too That's good So, we're agreed We like each other and nothing's gonna happen Agreed - You look hot - Agreed Oh.
God, that's the only time a menorah got me to first base Not me All right there's not enough of us to do a "Partridge Family in a Pear Tree" How about this? You pop out of the fireplace with a mask on You're the Phantom of the Chimney Ooh, I like that And Jordie, we can make an opera cape out of well, your opera cape I should steam the wrinkles out of that I wore it to bed last night So sad.
A boy his age should be sleeping in a kimono - Did you warn your mother, yet? - No, no.
No It's better if we spring it on her The more time she has to think about it the more time she has to ruin it Just like she ruined my 1975 Easter show Everything's Coming Up Jesus Is the secret ingredient anything in the blood family? I don't know how I can make this any clearer There are no bodily fluids in a Blue Marilyn Now, please, just give up 'cause you're never gonna get it Oh, I will.
I will discover your secret ingredient! Even if it is the rarest, most exotic essence found on the planet Is it milk? No Oh, Sam, did you find that menorah for Grace? Uh, no, we couldn't find it but we looked for a very long time Oh Well, did you check in the drawers? Uh, we didn't have time Maybe later - Did you look in that little chest? - Do not answer that Well, let's look again because I know it's up there Oh! I used it last August to hold the bug repellent candles Yeah, yeah I remember 'cause it stopped the Jewish mosquitoes from biting Instead, they just had a little nosh Well The tousled hair the slightly smeared lipstick the disheveled clothing Either you're on your way to work or the holiday whore is back! Sam and I made out in the attic It was so hot! I know I said I wasn't going to do it, but I've liked him for a long time And he's single now Or is it just too wierd? For your entire life, fate has been cruel to you in almost every way So Maybe this time fate stepped back took a good look at you and said "You know what? Enough already" I say go for it You know what? I will For all the good I do, I deserve something good to happen to me What is wrong with these things? I don't know where you get your jewelry but this necklace is delicious Don't start without me Mom What are you doing? Getting ready to enjoy the show What's your game, woman? And now, ladies and gentlemen introducing Jordan St.
James! That's a stage name I had to nix Dame Jordy Dench Santa Claus, Mr.
Santa Claus I get the kids' applause Mr.
Santa Claus That boy is the next Wayne Newton How many Blue Marilyns have you had? - Will, shush! - You shush! Will, you shush! Will you shush! This is Jordie's moment And keyboard solo Jordie, you're in the audience for this, sweetheart All that Claus! That Claus Bravo! Bravo! Okay, that is it! How dare you enjoy your grandson's Christmas show right in front of me?! Well, William, what is your problem? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's that you ruined every single Christmas play I ever did! I mean, you give him a standing ovation but for me, you'd be fidgeting looking at your watch, melting a cherry Sucrets into your stupid "secret" drink Ah! A-ha! Unbelievable! Will just had to steal the spotlight It's okay, Jack I don't mind He stole it from me, Jordie Grow up Oh, Will I don't get it How can you be so encouraging to Jordie when you were always so awful to me Darling, I think When you were a child, I think I I just handled everything badly You know, I wasn't prepared to raise a gay son - You know, it was the 50's-- - It was not the 50's! Darling, because of who you are and what you've become I realized that I I just should have done things differently I learned from you, Will - Really? - Yeah And even though I can't change the past I can try to be better with Jordie, you know? Wow Thank you, mom That means a lot to me - Wow.
When did you do all this? - Ah, before the show During the encores, I was worried the house was going to burn down I can see why Five of the candles are on a box marked "Dry Hay" - Sam, this is so-- - Romantic? Wonderful? Excessive? It's, uh, it's excessive, isn't it? It's a lot Oh, God, I'm sorry I'm just so worried about that God, I just can't remember what it's like to be in the beginning of a relationship, you know? Just thought it'd be a lot easier jumping right into the middle of one I know it does Right after Leo and I split up Um After Leo and I, every guy who opened the door for me got my house key I spent a lot of money changing locks that year And it was because I was so afraid of being single And I think you might be too Well, I'm not afraid I'm, uh I'm terrified And I think you need to be - Terrified or single? - Both Ah.
Fun You'll make it I did Okay So how about this? Next Christmas you and me, right here And we see where we are then That sounds great - Is it incredibly hot in here? - Like a thousand degrees Hey, Jordie I just got off the phone How would you like to perform our show next Christmas at Radio City Music Hall? I'd love it! It would be fantastic! Good.
Then you try calling They keep hanging up on me Marilyn Thank you Dinner was wonderful I have a delightful buzz and my sore throat went away By the way I put something in your coffee Tell me when you figure out what it is ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä