Will and Grace s08e08 Episode Script

Swish Out of Water

Will, you have got to go shopping This cereal is stale.
It doesn't hold milk, and it tastes horrible That is a box of stuffing mix Alright, if this isn't cereal, then why did it come with this cool prize? That is a bag of seasoning Hey, guys There's no chance my mother's already come and gone already is there? No.
She called to say that her hair appointment's running long How long could it take? Somebody just holds her by her ankles and dips her into the cotton candy machine I love Bobbi She's the kind of elderly person of you see on the street that you don't want to knock down Maybe you don't Will Can you please come out to lunch with us? I can't.
Remember? I'm starting my new job at the Coalition for Justice It's exciting because I'm gonna get to help people But also because the Coalition for Justice sounds like the kind of place where superheroes work you know? I'm like the gay Superman Waiting to meet my Louis Lane Jack, can you come with me? I would love to join you and Bobbi for lunch I don't know why but I'm in the mood for roast turkey And a parade It's so great you're coming She loves you Of course, she's always been obsessed with gay guys.
So sad Will, I need something from you I'm sorry, Karen.
I literally peed two minutes ago Not that.
I'm trying to teach my staff how to spot terrorists Could you come by around 3:00 and dash through the foyer with a backpack? Can't.
I'm starting my new job at the Coalition for Justice It's a non-profit that helps people that can't afford lawyers Oh, well, honey, I'm sorry You'll find a real job soon - It is a real job - Right And this is my first liver I think what Will's doing is inspirational I don't know why but I'm feeling really thankful today Is the game on? Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Swish Out of Water ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Look.
Before my mother comes out of the bathroom where can we go to lunch that is really quick? I can't wait until she's the age where I can tell her we already had lunch yesterday Well, don't you want to ask Bobbi where she'd like to go? She would like to go to Schraft's in 1952 and be discovered by Swifty Lazar Grace, you know I don't speak Jewish Oh! That was embarrassing Don't worry They're in tight now Grace, honey, why don't you hurry up and change for lunch? This is what I'm wearing to lunch Oh! Are we going to the lesbian bar? We could.
I hear the Honey Bucket has a great spread This is a very nice outfit mom This shirt cost more than your wig Oh.
Well, I like it 'cause it's cheap You can throw it in the dishwasher Well, that would probably explain this corn on the cob holder Can we just go to lunch? Oh, well I hope you can take me someplace nice for a change What does it matter where we go, Mom? You're just going to order chicken chow mein and hot water for the tea bag that's in your purse Oh, well the tea bag goes in the place in my wallet where the pictures of the grandchildren usually go Welcome Here's your desk right here Ah! Mission control So, uh, put me to work I'm ready to fight for the little people Take down some bad guys Dole out justice, Truman style Ok.
I'm gonna go grab your first case That could have been embarassing Morning Oh, yeah.
That desk only has three legs Yeah.
That's what I like about non-profits A little rough around the edges The last place I worked all the desks had four legs Asses - Here's the file - Ah.
Ooh.
Tenants' rights "Horrible living conditions brown water rats and roaches" Juicy! So, what morally bankrupt monster am I taking down? "Karen Walker" Yep, that sounds about right Ugh.
Thank God she's gone All that's left of her are a few strands of pink horse hair and a few flecks of Polident Yeah, thank God that's over I could not take more than one lunch like that a year - I know.
She's a nightmare, right? - I'm talking about you, Mister! - What?! - I am appaled by how you treat her That woman is your mother! Mother! - You are so cruel to her! - Me?! What about her? Did you not hear her constant insults? I may have missed a few She's gotta learn to hold for laughs But, that's not the point.
You need to treasure her insults while you can Because one day she'll be gone and you'll have to hear how much you suck from her ghost You don't know anything about it Oh, my dear No one knows how to be a good daughter better than a gay son The mother of a gay son learns to accept him for who he is Except for the sex The gay son learns to accept the mother for who she is Except for the sex Sadly, mothers and daughters rarely embark on this right of passage Thus, they are destined to perputate a pattern of anger and bitchiness This would be so much clearer if I had my slides I've seen your slides And I don't know what two Norweigan men farming naked has to do with me and my mother Grace, if you want this relationship to change you're the one who's going to have to change it Please.
Let me help you Let me make you a good gay son Except for the sex Thanks.
But I'll pass I'm as gay as I'd like to be This morning when I was getting dressed I actually considered putting a sock in my pants Well, it needs something down there Jasmine, you have such beautiful hair I'd like to see it on my dresser by bedtime You know, some people say "thank you" when they get a compliment I just got another "Help Me" note from one of your maids Oh, great.
Thanks So, I, uh, started my new job today Mm.
That thing where you save the world and get paid in soup? Doesn't sound like much of a job to me Karen, the work I do is incredibly important I have dedicated my life to helping those who can't help themselves You know, since this morning I.
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My first clients live in a run-down building in Spanish Harlem that the owner refuses to bring to code Riveting.
Why are you here? Well, because the landlord is someone we both know Oh.
I see Well, I appreciate your taking the time to tell me in person So.
Marlo Thomas is a slumlord - No, it's not Marlo - No, no, no! Let me guess! - It's you, Karen - I said let me guess.
Is it me? - Yes it is - Yay! Look, I should be filing this right now but I came down here to give you a chance to clear this up out of court I mean.
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The evidence is over-whelming This case is a slam dunk Slam dunk! Shaquille O'Neal! Okay.
I don't know what that was.
but.
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You have got to fix this building So just sign these papers agreeing to cover the costs You can make this whole thing go away How do I make you go away? You know, years ago, a guy refused to fix up his building and they made him live in it You know, and what's worse they made a movie out of it and they cast Joe Pesci to play him - You want Joe Pesci to play you? - Kiss my A I'm sorry, what did you say to a representative of the Coalition for Justice? Gosh, I don't know.
Why don't you get your D out of your ear and listen to me What? What is the matter with you? And why are you using letters? Because I'm a lady, assface Okay.
That's it You've got yourself a fight Take your best shot, Fairy Mason Karen Walker is above the law! You can't touch me! If you go more than 100 feet from this building you will be arrested Enjoy your new apartment Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens Hey.
I can't sleep because I keep thinking about my relationship with my mother Really? Or is it because it's only 6:00? Jack says I'm horrible to her Do you think I'm horrible to her? I'll answer that, but I'm gonna be honest Eh, forget it What are you up to? Well, I got big news I finally did it Today, I stuck it to The Man Oh.
Finally That was a long dry spell Not that, Karen I got the judge to order her to pay for all the improvements to that building she owns Oh That's great Good for you Nah, good for the people And, uh, I also got him to sentence her to live in the building for a week Really? That sounds kind of harsh It's not harsh, Grace It's my job I dole out justice Truman style Why can't you say you "go to work" like everyone else? I don't say "I dole out furniture Adler style" Trust me It's the right thing to do You know, maybe if she spends a little time in that building it'll give her a chance to really look at herself Think about what she's done Have you really looked at yourself? What's that supposed to mean? I mean what are you doing? You got her to pay for something she probably didn't even know about until you told her Why wasn't that enough? Well, it's complicated Doesn't sound complicated I mean, you took the job because you wanted to become more compassionate, right? - Yeah, I did / - Then, why don't you start with your friends? You're right.
I should go down there and see how she's doing And dole out some friendship Truman style Is anyone encouraging that? Okay.
I'm ready I'll do whatever it takes I wanna be a good gay son Like Dick Cheney's daughter You're doing the right thing It'll be easy Alright, now, all you have to do is not take the bait when your mother provokes you All right? Now, I'll be Bobbi And you be you And no matter what I say, don't react Just sit there, relax and do nothing I don't know that I can do that Pretend you're having sex with a man just because he bought you dinner - Got it - Okay Now.
I'm gonna start, alright? I'm becoming Bobbi Adler I'm finding the voice.
Mmmm I'm imagining the Jane Russel 18-hour bra with the safety pin instead of the hook the inexplicably good legs - And I'm Bobbi - Aah! Grace, focus! Now remember no matter what I say, don't react Okay? Here we go.
Ahem Darling, you chased away your husband and apparently your colorist - That is not fair! I did not chase away.
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- Ah, ah, ah! I am your mother Don't take the bait I can say or do anything I want - Like this - Ow, you bitch! Hey, hey! Do not react! Keep it inside Gonna hit your mother? Gonna take the bait? Sit up straight Straighten your hair Date a straight guy Find a man, find a man - find a man.
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- Aah! I think I might need to do this a few more times All right, Grace I've had it with you You are unteachable! And you ruined my wig! I don't even know if these curls are resetable Oh, great! The netting's torn! Oh, would you just relax! Those are six bucks for a dozen at the Wig Easy! This is an Eva Gabor! And it is irreplaceable! All right, I am gonna tell you something I've heard from my own mother my entire life "Put down that Barbie"? No.
You're being an idiot So what if she insults you? Who cares? The bottom line is she loves you - Well, why can't she act like she does? - She does Every day of your life when she shatters your ego and makes you feel like nothing it comes from a place of love Oh, that's sweet Twisted, but sweet - Karen, it's Will - Go away! Come, on.
Open up I dropped my rubber gloves in a puddle of pee I can't open the doors with my elbows What do you want? Get in here Well.
Your timing could not be worse I'm right in the middle of a game Marisol, Concepcion this is Will The maricon I told you about Hola, Se?or She asked if you know Elton John And then she said you look like a big mincing queen Such an efficient language Ladies, why don't you take your cigars and go up to the roof You can touch my mink one more time on your way out Okay.
Alrighty Karen, I wanna apologize for putting you through all this What are you talking about? I'm fine I've got everything I need A can opener, a "terlet" that's not connected to anything and all the lead paint I can eat Look, you don't have to put on a brave face for me Even though, I'm sure it cost you a fortune I.
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I know that this has gotta be a difficult adjustment for you Jorge! Your mother has been looking for you for three hours! And yet when you talk to Rosario it's "Scrubbo the tubbo" The.
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The point is It's my fault you're here I didn't have to take it this far Then why did you? I don't know I just.
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I tried help you and then you made fun of my job, and I.
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You just pushed my buttons Well, isn't this funny? You know, if anybody had asked me I would have said that you were pushing my buttons - Really? - Yes I would have written that check right away if you hadn't come in all high and mighty acting all mighty when I was high So, we both behaved badly out of pettiness and spite Yeah.
And maybe a little 'roid rage Oh.
Honey, why do we do it? Why are we always at each other? Can you imagine what Nora Ephron would do with our story? No, but I'm sure it would feel familiar And we could sleep through most of it Look, I'm gonna make a call I'm gonna get you out of this No, honey That's okay I'll finish out my week It'll be good for me Anyway, thanks for stopping by I'm gonna run up to the roof and meet the girls - Mind if I keep you company for a bit? - Why, no.
I'd like that You know, just to be on the safe side let's talk real loudly about how your dad's black How's the chow mein? Do you want some more? Maybe.
I was just distracted by your garish eye shadow Do you really need three colors? Mom, this is not garish Why are you smiling? Are my boobs under my arms again? No, Mom Well, yes, but.
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No, I was.
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I'm smiling because, whatever you say to me, I know you love me Well, of course I do, darling I adore you That's what I thought It's just like when you say I'm too old to play Julia I know it's just your way of saying you love me Yeah, that's exactly what I mean You're so sweet I love you - Ow.
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