Will and Grace s08e07 Episode Script

Birds of a Feather Boa

Hey, did you read the paper today? I stopped reading the paper Now, when people talk about the news I just shake my head and say "I know.
It's unbelievable" Suddenly, I'm informed I know.
I do the same thing with "I know, that was some game" Anyway, the Central Park Zoo has these two penguins that are apparently gay They're inseparable They show no interest in females during mating season Though they are interested in what females are wearing during Academy Award season That is so sweet Thank God there's something gay in this city I haven't dated So, did you hear the news? I know, it's unbelievable I've decided I'm going to move to a bigger place You're kidding When did you decide that? This morning The ratings for "Jack Talk" came in and we got a 17 rating and a 10 share Wow! Yeah, in this case, that means 17 watched and 10 of them were dressed as Cher I just figured now that I'm getting more successful I need to live in a place that feels successful Good for you, Jack.
You should And you know what? I'll decorate it for free Oh, no, that's okay No, I want to I heard you Anyway.
I've been saving my money in a Schwab account You've been investing? Oh, no, that's what I call my Q-Tip box I got five thousand bucks in it Five thousand? I'm so proud of you, Jack You're growing up Well, thank you So, I figured I spend it on an apartment or a whole lot of Jolly Ranchers Not the candy Well, you know what? It's Sunday Let's get the Village Voice and start looking Yeah, it'll be fun As a kid, I used to love going to open houses on Sunday afternoon Of course I was 12, so everything was out of my price range Grace, you wanna come? Oh, no, I'm going shopping with Karen I've gotta get my dress to wear on my annual holiday card Yeah When people send out those photos aren't they usually of a whole family? Yeah, like I'm gonna wait around for that Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ½Ì Å© Á¦ ÀÛ ÇÑ ±Û ¹ø ¿ª ½Ì Å© Æí Áý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Honey, how about this one? This is pretty It almost says, "it's not sad that I'm alone on this holiday card.
" I'm not going to be alone For fun, I'm going to Photoshop George Clooney in next to me And it just got sadder Especially for George Clooney Is there a rip cord for this shopping trip? Because I'm about ready to yank it Speaking of yankin' it where are the boys today? I thought they were coming with us Oh, Will's helping Jack look for apartments and then they're going to stop off to see some gay penguins Gay penguins.
Please Honey, that is absurd There's no such thing as a gay penguin! Well, well, well Karen Walker and her Jewess out for a morning shop Well, if it isn't Tom and Helen Willis of TV's "The Jeffersons.
" Hello, Beverley Leslie How are things in Ankleville? Uh, not so good My dear wife Crystal has suddenly passed Oh, Beverley I'm so sorry Me, too.
Although I never met Crystal But, oddly, I have met your business associate, Benji, 16 times Including once at The Ramrod I'm here to buy a dress to bury Crystal in Honey, I think maybe you should wear men's clothes for that Bev.
Bev, honey come here You know that I love you in my way And I know that you loved Crystal in your way So now that she's out of the way is there anything that I can do for you? Well, Karen, it would mean a lot to me if you would attend Crystal's memorial service tomorrow afternoon Well, of course, Beverley I wouldn't miss it And Miss Adler why don't you join us Oh, no.
No, I couldn't intrude on a day that's so intimate and personal and boring Oh, please! It's not going to be anything like that It's more like a party A celebration of her death - Life - Life So, I'll see you both tomorrow afternoon I'll be receiving from 5:30 'til 6:30 Boy, that's gotta be a long hour for you I didn't like any apartment we've seen so far Maybe we should call this realtor Eve Only She's like on every listing Oh, look.
There it is Penguins Oh, look They're cute Which ones do you think are gay? Well, if I had to pick I'd say the two in the corner whispering and pointing at all the other penguins Hello.
You guys are gay, right? He is, beat him up! No, I just want you to sign my petition Oh, yes, of course Thank you for watching "Jack Talk.
" Jack I remember when I was a young boy I had an autograph book, too Erik Estrada said to me "Hang in there.
" I told him I had an enlarged heart It's a petition The zoo wants to separate the gay penguins They want to send Doug to the Bronx Zoo to mate with a female Oh, great Gays can't get married but women in the Bronx can have penguins imported just for sex? That is awful They'd never separate them if they were straight penguins They'd just give them a huge tax break and let 'em kiss on TV Just the thought of those two guys being split up, that really gets to me Yeah, me too Oh, look, the giraffe is peeing! That's hilarious! I should buy an apartment closer to the zoo You should come to the rally tomorrow A lot of my lesbian friends are going to be there I'm not a lesbian myself I mean, sometimes I fool around with them And I live with one Oh.
I guess I am a lesbian Weird I just came out I'd say welcome, but it sounds like you've been on that bus for quite a good long time now Oh, look.
That one penguin's cleaning his nest and stacking his fish so neatly Oh, that's Randall He's a real fussbudget And the other one the goofy one that's Doug He always waddles into Randall's nest unannounced Oh, yeah, look Doug just stole his fish And now Randall's gonna act annoyed and be all, "Waah!" Even though he loves it I'm worried about him If Doug gets sent away - Randall will fall apart - Really? 'Cause Randall looks pretty together You know, except for the lollipop stuck to his back He's gonna be devastated when he's all alone He just doesn't know it yet My girlfriend did this study on gay penguins that were separated The one that stayed behind he was a mess What happened to him? Well, he gained a ton of weight and all of his feathers fell out This is the last stop on the tour It feels almost inappropriate giving a tour of the penthouse on a the day of Crystal's memorial Oh, my God That dress is gorgeous This is a 1954 custom-made couture gown The only one like it in the world Crystal wore this gown to the 29th annual Academy Awards escorting the lovely and talented Rock Hudson She had no idea Can you believe it? You know what? I can Oh, it really is beautiful I'd love to feel the fabric Ooh! Uh-uh! No, no, no Miss Adler, you mustn't touch it This gown is going to the Smithsonian tomorrow It's going to be put in their permanent collection Oh, how exciting for you A dress in the Smithsonian And your parents in the Museum of Miniatures Uh, Beverley It's the minister He wants to know where to set up the mechanical bull Oh, I'm coming! Such a sad, sad day Honey that's the dress That's the dress you should wear in your lonely holiday card Oh, my God you're right I would look so lonely in that I mean lovely Lovely Come on, try it on I'll take your picture with my camera phone I can't try it on It's the woman's memorial It would be so disrespectful And I don't care if there is a cake that says "See Ya!" in frosting Honey, try it on Please You'd look stunning in it I would, wouldn't I? Oh, honey, you look so beautiful dressed as a woman I know, right Come on, let's take your picture One dignified, one kooky Guess we're doing kooky first Ladies, the service is about to begin That's good enough.
Okay Quick.
Help me get out of the dress Be careful unzipping it Honey, I know how to get a woman out of a dress I was very popular at Sarah Lawrence Huh Huh? What do you mean, "huh"? Well, the zipper is just a little stuck.
Here, let me just-- Karen, it's really delicate I know it's delicate-- Let me just get in the right - Oh! There! I got it - Okay.
Good.
Oh, my God.
Karen your dress is caught in my zipper! Beverley's gonna kill me You think it's bad for you? I think a little bit of my boob is caught in there Good Ow! This is not gonna work, Karen Beverley's gonna see that I'm wearing the dress It's gonna be fine.
Just keep this blanket on and walk in unison Just two friends in mourning Nothing suspicious Nothing lesbian going on Yeah, then why's your hand on my breast? Somebody's gotta steer this thing It'd be a hell of a lot easier if I had a bigger wheel to work with Why did you make me try this on?! Quit yelling at me I'm trying to get us unstuck Well, just keep working on that zipper While you're down there will you pull my underwear out of my ass? Hey, hey! Miss Adler, what on earth are you wearing? Oh this is the new floor length mourning shawl From J Crew Do you like it? It's-- it's catalog only Strange, 'cause it looks exactly like the blanket that Crystal died in Oh, God! Karen, may I talk to you just a moment? Why, sure, Beverley I meant in private Oh, I'm so sorry, that's so rude of me I'll just wait over there Karen, it's personal Oh, I'm sorry of course Don't mind her She's like a bird probably already asleep Karen, it would mean so much to me if you would come up to the podium and say a few words about Crystal Gosh, Bev, I don't know Oh, Crystal thought so highly of you We often discussed inviting you into our marriage in a sexual way That's so flattering Although, I don't know if I could have operated a pump and a defibrillator at the same time Oh, of course I'll speak Karen Everyone sit down The service is about to begin Oh, come on, relax We've got plenty of time before they get to me.
I'll get us unzipped Welcome, everyone.
Let's begin with a few words from Karen Walker There you are.
Come on, help me make some signs for the rally at the Zoo Here, take a marker and start drawing penguins It's easy, all you do, you just gotta start with Paul Giamatti and then stop there I can't, Will I got a lease to sign That's right I found an apartment - So fast? - I konw It's all the way down in Tribeca New kitchen, two bedrooms And as soon I heard hardwood, I jumped on it Oh.
That's great You've got a new apartment Meanwhile, Randall and Doug's love igloo is melting beneath their webbed feet You sound like you're not excited I kinda thought you'd congratulate me Well, I'm sorry It's just little trivial compared to the civil rights issue coming to a boil at the penguin house! I don't get this This morning, you were all "Let's find you an apartment," and now you're mad Why the 160? Because even though some people don't think so these two little guys are family Will, relax It's not that big a deal They're just fish We eat 'em every day Not that big a deal? Jack, their whole relationship is gonna change I mean, once they're in separate zoos they're not gonna be able to swim together all the time or share some fish go for a waddle-- Sure, they'll wanna get together but-- but something is always gonna come up And then one day, they'll run into each other at the gym and it'll be all weird and awkward and Randall will be like "Oh, you look good" and Doug'll be like "Yeah, is that-- is that a feather toupee?" I mean, they used to be best friends and now they don't even know each other Will, would you wait a minute? No.
I gotta go.
Congratulations on your new apartment Finally Geez, it's like pulling teeth Grace would like to say the traditional Jewish prayer for the dead Oh, well, how delightful! Um Yiskadal Yiskadash.
.
um Osha gosha b'gosha Oh ruch-hatatamai Ohbladi-oblada Spielberg Katzenberg, Geffen Aahmen Oh, Miss Adler that was just beautiful! Thanks You know what else is beautiful? I just got us unstuck Thank God Okay, I'm gonna go get out of this Beverley, I am so sorry! No, no.
I don't wanna hear it I don't want to hear it! Miss Adler how dare you come into my home and desecrate the day I have set aside to celebrate my wife's death?! - Life - Life! Why do I keep saying that? I'm sorry I feel so horrible No, I just want you to go.
Please Go, get out the dress See, but the thing is, the zipper's tricky And see, it's-- it's stuck again I'll help! I'm good at that.
No, stay away! Hey, Will I'm glad I found you There's another protest going on over at the seal tank I guess they're gay, too because apparently people don't want them to go clubbing You know, I thought about what you said and I realized you weren't talking about the penguins, You were talking about us You're like a rice cooker It takes you a long time but when it comes out, it's perfect I'm sorry about before I just-- I was being selfish and I was wrong And I'm really excited about your new place Oh, thanks, Will But I'm not moving All that money I had is gone I spent it on some stupid impulse buy Hey, guys guess what? An anonymous donor just gave the Bronx Zoo enough money to buy its own penguin Doug and Randall don't have to be separated But don't say anything I wanna tell them myself An "anonymous donor"? I can't believe you did that I can't believe they called it an anonymous donor I said my name, like, 30 times It's supposed to be on the news! I'm so impressed with you And I never even though about donating money How did you know how much to give? I'm not an idiot, Will I think I know how much a penguin costs But that was your apartment money You were gonna sign the lease I can't believe you did that for me No, not just for you You made me realize I don't wanna move either And I thought if we get to stay together they should too Even if one of them is fat and bald Look at them They really are cute, aren't they? Yeah.
Why is that female one always hanging around them? Here, let me try It's really delicate Yes, I know it's delicate! I put it on Benji a hundred times I just have to get a run at it There! Okay.
Good I'll go take off dress Grace, you got a little something stuck to you again ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä