Will and Grace s10e07 Episode Script

So Long, Division

1 "Will and Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.
What do you mean, I can't meet your daughter? I didn't mean you couldn't ever meet her.
Obviously you will when the time is right.
- And when will that be? - When the time is right.
Hi.
Hello.
Good evening to you both.
I'm in the middle of memorizing my lines for my one-man show "Gaybraham Twinkin'," so if you could keep it down that would be [KISSES] chef's kiss.
Noah, always a pleasure.
Grace, we talked about a side pony after 40.
[DOOR CLOSES] "When the time is right.
" - You just said you loved me.
- I did say that.
And by the way, I feel like we're forgetting, that's the headline here.
Today's the day I said I love you.
Yes, but today's also the day I found out you have a daughter I can't meet.
That's the other headline.
Yeah, you can't have two headlines.
It's just bad journalism.
Look, I'm sorry.
I love you, and I'm not ready for you to meet Katie.
Both those things are true.
- I gotta look out for her.
- "Look out for her"? What do you think I'm gonna do? [SIGHS] - Hi.
Good evening.
Maybe I wasn't clear but this 21st century hetero argument is kind of killing the 1860s homo-realism I'm trying to create here.
Noah.
Always a pleasure.
Look, Grace, you will meet Katie, okay? When I feel the time is right.
Okay, Noah.
Um, when you're in a relationship, you share your life.
That's how you grow, and you are not ready for that, so call me when you are.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why am I giving you the power? I'll call you when I'm ready for you to be ready.
What part of ah, very good.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Listen, I don't know much about this guy but it sounds like you found another one who's not batting for our team.
Karen, I've been dating Noah for two months.
You split a calzone with him three days ago in the office.
That doesn't sound like me.
I like a full calzone.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I know it was a tough call to make.
But you feel like you did the right thing? 100%, mm-hmm.
- What? - Nothing.
No, I just he was only asking for a little more time - for his daughter's sake, and - What? Do you really want to date someone who doesn't put their kid first? Fine, I'll tell him I'll meet Katie on his terms.
[YELLS] Happy? - Why are you mad at me? - Because I don't want to be mad at me.
See you at the office.
That's an expression, right? - Oh, Marilyn.
- Mom, what are you doing - in the city? - I needed to see you.
Oh, uh, Marilyn? Um, I I have to run, but it is so nice seeing you.
Mom.
Grace, neither of us enjoy that.
What's going on? Everything okay? Well, I have some devastating news, and I don't know how I can tell you.
Hey, Marilyn.
Ooh.
I love what you're wearing.
Oh, thank you, Karen.
- They just opened - Mom! - What's the devastating news? - Well Your brother died.
- What? - He was doing his business in the neighbor's yard, starting shaking, and then he "pff" just fell over.
- My God.
- Oh Poor Dr.
Silly.
Wait, your dog? I thought you meant Sam or Paul! And you made me picture them pooping in the neighbor's yard! Pooping and then dying! That's my that's my worst fear! Dr.
Silly was much more than a dog, William.
He was a member of the family.
- He was your brother! - Mom.
Oh, oh, was he the one who dated Grace and Will got all mad? Yeah, and Will's like, "You can't date my mother's dog!" In any case, I'm collecting video testimonials to show at the service, and I was hoping - that you would make one.
- Oh, sure, sure.
Maybe I'll talk about how much he loved chasing marbles or humping the ottoman.
Though I I kind of wanted to save that for Jack's eulogy.
Jokes, William? I thought you of all people would understand.
- What Mom.
- I'm going to lie down.
I You know I never really got the pet thing.
I mean, if you want something with four legs and a chip in its neck I'd just hire two more maids.
What did that mean, "me of all people"? She never shows her emotions and I never know how to deal with it when they suddenly pop out.
Honey, the woman is grieving.
It is time for you to dig down deep and pull out one of your sad, low-limit credit cards you have and buy her something.
Well, she does like presents.
Thanks.
You'll-you'll stay here with her? Oh, no, honey.
Not really my thing.
- We don't have much in common.
- She's scared of foreigners - and loves to drink.
- Well, maybe I could stay for a little while.
Morning, boss.
Um, as you know I'm in rehearsal for my original one-man show based on Abraham Lincoln's secret gay romance, "Gaybraham Twinkin'.
" Let me guess.
You're trying you skip out of here early again today.
I find your use of the word "skip" slightly homophobic.
But yes, I will need to prance my gay ass out of here by 2:00.
Hold on! This is your job, Jack.
I need you here.
Not out doing some ridiculous play, okay? "Ridic" Need I remind you what Abraham Lincoln represents to this country? I don't think you need to remind me.
Abe represents this nation's struggle for gay men to celebrate their love freely, in the open, where people of all creeds and colors can watch, and based on appearance perhaps join in.
Lincoln freed the slaves, dude.
He wasn't gay.
He was one of three gay presidents: Lincoln, Harrison, and that confirmed old bachelor: James "Power Bottom" Buchanan.
Is no one editing Wikipedia anymore, like? Noah? It's me.
Hello? Hi.
My dad's not home.
You're Katie.
The Katie.
I'm meeting Katie.
You must be my new math tutor, right? - Kimiko? - Um Yes, I am Kimiko.
Come on in.
Wait, there's a second train leaving the station at the same time? And this one's going ten miles an hour? What is this, the 1800s? You're not my math tutor, are you? Good question.
- I am not.
- So, who are you? I'm Grace and I'm kind of seeing your dad.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I mean, he does seem happy lately.
He hasn't said "fascists" in like a week.
Oh! [CHUCKLES] I did that! But he didn't feel like you were ready to meet me yet, so I should I should leave.
- And we never met.
- Right.
But it's the only lie we will ever tell your dad.
Katie, I'm home! We will tell him one more lie.
- Hey, kiddo.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, put these on the counter.
- Hi! What are you doing home? - Your math tutor called to cancel and I didn't want you hanging out alone.
Hey, you know what, this is the problem with the gig economy.
People cobble together an income out of all these jobs and they don't Don't commit to any of them.
- Love you.
- [CHUCKLES] Wait! I need to tell you something.
Something really important.
What? You're vaping? You know, it may taste like banana pudding, but it's just banana-flavored cancer.
Wait, Dad! You must be Katie.
I don't know why Will is being so insensitive.
- It's it's very - Un-gay-like? Yes.
- Oh, is that wrong to say? - No.
You made him gay, so naturally, it's upsetting when he doesn't act that way.
Well, you understand.
You must have had a furry companion at some point.
I've never had a pet, and Stan wasn't that furry.
Well, you're missing out, Karen.
- Hm.
- You know how impossible it is to show love to people? Go on.
Well, it's so easy with dogs.
[DOOR OPENS] - Did somebody order four pounds of cuteness? What is this? It's your new dog! Isn't she adorable? She could have been Dr.
Silly's more attractive partner in the practice, you know? Who, uh who writes a health column in "The Daily Growl.
" [LAUGHS] You can't swap out one dog for another.
I mean, when you and Vince broke up did I swap him out for another gay man to cheer you up? Yes.
You fixed me up with Tim O'Dell - who was straight, by the way.
- Oh.
You told me that you made out with him.
And it took a long time to get him there.
[DOG BARKING] Karen, would you take her for a walk? - Here.
- [SIGHS] [DOG GROWLING] Okay, Marilyn, let's go.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Come.
Come, Marilyn, come on.
[KISSING] - The dog.
What, you thought I meant my mother? Well, I don't know.
She's had a lot to drink.
Ugh.
Another dog.
Oh, God, I can't believe that that's what you think I needed.
I don't understand.
I I don't know how to help you.
It's it's just like when Dad died.
Oh, was it? And how would you know that? Because I was there? For a week after the funeral, and then you went right back to your life.
And I had no one.
That's when I got Dr.
Silly.
Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't I wish you had told me that you needed me.
Well, you should have known.
Jack, are you out of your mind? The Underground Railroad was a secret network to get slaves to the north, not a gay club with a subway theme.
Oh, really? Then where did I ride my first caboose? You do recognize as a black man I know, I know.
[SIGHS] You can't hide the color of your skin, but I can hide my gayness.
[INSECT BUZZING] [SHRIEKS] Oh, my God! Oh! It was just a fly.
I thought it was a bee.
I'm tragically allergic.
One sting and my face blows up bigger than Liza on Prednisone.
Anyway, what were we saying? - You can hide your gayness.
- Right, right.
I'll give you that.
Hi, I'm looking for Theodore? - I'm here to fix the AC.
- Oh, yeah, man, it's right over there.
Excuse me, sir.
Uh, I was hoping you could settle an argument for us.
Who's more oppressed: A black person or a gay person? - That's a ridiculous question.
- I know, right? Nobody has it worse than Latinos.
They're putting our kids in cages.
How about all the African-American men - that are locked up in cages? - Due to a lack of funds I've sometimes been forced to dance in cages.
Who's zoomin' who, fellas? [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Delivery.
So the order is: Latinos have it worse, then black men, - then gay guys.
- Oh, no, no, no.
You've got to move Muslims on the top of that list.
Try being me getting on a plane.
Or try being me getting a taxi.
Try being me and getting back in the country.
Try being me and having to claim Kevin Spacey as one of your own.
Well, he was good in "The Usual Suspects.
" Would you want him to be black? Okay, I see your point.
Jack! I just got your check by mistake.
How do you make more money than me? Because you're a man? [GOOFY VOICE] No, Dana.
Because I work harder than you.
- [SCOFFS] - And I am also a gay man who we just all agreed is the most oppressed group there is.
[ALL SHOUTING] I didn't think that Katie would be here, and then she answered the door, and so I had to pretend that I was her math tutor.
Wait a minute, you pretended to be Kimiko? That's that's ridiculous.
I know.
I am clearly not Japanese.
No, I meant the part about you tutoring math.
I mean, you use the tip calculator on the phone.
Hey, 20% is hard.
No, it's ten plus ten.
Okay, 13% is hard.
[SIGHS] Okay, look, I screwed up.
I know that.
I know that, and I am so sorry.
But the good news here is that Katie and I hit it off.
No, that only makes things worse.
See, this is why I didn't want you to meet her yet.
Because now you guys have, like, a thing, so when we break up she gets hurt.
Wait, "when we break up"? No, that's not what I meant to say.
I mean, it's not like I'm I'm planning.
But you assume this is gonna end.
Grace, come on.
We've both been divorced, okay? I'm just being a realist.
I mean, name one relationship that lasts and is any good.
There's so many! But right now, for some reason, I can only think of "Lady and the Tramp.
" Oh, please.
This fantasy that they can just overcome their class differences because they both like pasta.
So, what? All relationships are doomed? There's no point loving anyone and life sucks? No, I'm just saying there's zero probability that you throw two people together - and it's going to last forever.
- "Zero"? - Then what are we doing? - "What are we doing"? What do you mean? I I said I love you, okay? That keeps getting bumped off the front page.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I want you to say that there's a chance that you and me won't break up.
I mean, I can't do this if there's no hope.
- Grace, come on.
- I mean, can't you say that to me, Noah? I mean, can't you say that there's a chance? Wow.
Okay, then.
Goodbye, Noah.
[DOOR OPENS] And Lady and the Tramp did end up together.
There was a DVD sequel where they had a son named Scamp.
[ALL SHOUTING] Wait, wait! Wait! You think "Crazy Rich Asians" makes up for Panda Express? It doesn't.
How is it that they still allow the fat guy to be the butt of the joke? Ralph just said "fat" and "butt.
" [ALL LAUGHING] - Good one! All right! All right, okay! First it goes black person, then Muslim - Yeah.
- Then Latino, then everybody else.
[ALL SHOUTING] Stop! This is crazy.
Does it really make sense for us to fight over who's the most oppressed? Well, the elderly are practically invisible in this country.
Where is that coming from? - Over here.
- It's nothing, keep going.
You guys, look at us.
Every single person in this room is part of a group that has known suffering.
- And what unites us? - The struggle? Wrong, sir! But that was the name of my first bondage bar.
The theater! And no play delivers this message in a more powerful, toe-tapping way than "Gaybraham Twinkin'.
" Is there a matinee? Who is saying that? Well, I'm glad everybody got to say their piece.
Maybe that's the way we'll start to heal.
Exactly, and as long as we respect each other's struggles, then we can finally come together, right? You, sir.
I didn't get a chance to talk to you.
What's your deal? Well, as a straight white male, I believe right now I'm under attack more than any other group in America.
Oh, my God, that door just closed by itself.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] Thank you for a wonderful visit.
[SIGHS] Mom, you don't mean that.
- It's called being polite.
- Look wait, wait, wait.
Look, look since Dad passed I I I haven't checked in as much as I should have, and I'm sorry.
- I've been a bad son.
- No.
You're not a bad son.
- Well - You're a bad gay son.
What? Karen hit the nail on the head today.
I made you gay, but I'm not getting any of the benefits.
Oh, God, I left you alone with Karen.
That's that's me.
That's my bad.
That's on me.
I knew after Dr.
Silly died that I couldn't go to Sam and Paul.
They'd think I was being ridiculous.
You thought I'd be more supportive - because I sleep with men? - Oh Every woman I know with a gay son is best friends with him.
Look at Dianne and Jerry.
They have their own YouTube channel.
You don't want me to be like Jerry.
He wears a cape to the grocery store.
He's he's like the world's gayest superhero.
And when her cat Lord Bumbles died he took her on a "Downton Abbey" river cruise.
I'm confused here.
Are you saying you want me to be gayer or us to be closer? Yes.
Come come here.
I am the exact amount of gay that I'm ever gonna be, but we can hang out more.
I can be more sensitive to what you need.
Oh, that's what I want.
Yeah.
And you know, Jerry's single.
And the four of us could just have so much fun together.
Doing what? Pretending that the two of us don't see them holding hands? - And he loves his mother.
- And so do I.
Aww Okay, that's enough.
We're not Lutherans.
Marilyn [SIGHS] This dog and I have fallen madly in love and I am prepared to fight you for her.
Will, you're my attorney.
Bury her in paperwork.
You can have her.
Oh, you hear that, Shou-Shou? You're mine.
What say we go to the park and bury some bones? Doesn't matter whose as long as we're together.
Orange beef, lemon chicken, and shrimp lo mein.
How many people? Um, there's six of us.
Hold it down, everybody, I'm trying to order.
Okay.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Oh, that must be the pizza.
Okay, there's a chance.
- Okay.
- But you gotta know this scares the crap out of me.
I know.
It's supposed to.
'Cause I'm not this guy, okay? I'm a pessimist.
I can't be Hey.
You said there was a chance.
That's the headline.
Wanna go grab a drink or something? I'm taking care of the tip.
Sure.
You get the elevator, I'll get my purse.