Will and Grace s10e08 Episode Script

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1 "Will and Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.
[SIGHS] All right, let's hear it.
It's divorce lawyer.
Stan has a new offer.
What's up, "Jew"? Karen! Grace, what must you think of me? Divorce lawyer is Chinese.
His name is Ju.
I'm Korean, and my name is Joe.
Either way, you kids are killing it at the science fair.
[CLEARS THROAT] All right, what's up? I've got some bad news.
Stan has photographic evidence of your affair with Malcolm.
This could significantly lower the money you'll get in a settlement.
Less money? Are we both high? [UPBEAT MUSIC] Oh, no, I didn't want whipped cream on it.
So you're saying I did it wrong? - No, I just - No, no.
I made a mistake and you pointed it out because that's what you do shame people.
I don't think I shame people.
- Sounds like you do.
- Thank you, Barry.
Message received.
We don't always get what we want.
Why are we meeting here? I thought we were going to a gay bar.
What's that? - A bar.
- And what are these? Gays.
I rest my face, Judge Moody.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Oh, my God.
Did you read the story about what's going on in Venezuela? Is it the one about the gay man who died alone because he read news alerts instead of checking out the hotties? Nice "Maddows," Rachel.
You need to work a sexy professor vibe, all right? Take note.
Okay, when you wanna flirt, take them off and bite them gently like a playful terrier.
This indicates thinking.
Or you could just think.
How would anyone know? And then, slowly put them back on, and say Ronan Farrow Sinatra, it's America's hottest gay news anchor, McCoy Whitman from Channel Four's News Center at 6:00 and 10:00.
Why would I say oh, my God.
It's McCoy Whitman from Channel Four's New Center at 6:00 and 10:00.
I fantasize about him every night, right about 6:30 and 10:30.
I'm thinking, as you could tell - That you need my help.
- Why? McCoy and I would be perfect together.
Ooh, I'm gonna talk to him about Venezuela.
No, no, or as they say in Venezuela [SPANISH ACCENT] No.
He's not into smarties.
- How would you know? - Trust me, Will.
I know these high-end homos, okay? They want a boy toy that's fun and frothy.
The last thing he wants is someone using big words like "indubitably," or or "del-ubitably.
" So, what, I'm just supposed to giggle, and bat my eyes and say things like, "Oh, my God, "RuPaul's Drag Race" gives me life.
I love every one of those queens.
" Who's your favorite? I can't remember any of their names right now.
Of course you can't.
Names are hard.
- I'm McCoy.
- I'm, um - Will, your name is Will.
- Will[LAUGHS] I know I know my name.
So you're the smart one, and you are the delightful, shallow friend.
I have a similar dynamic with a buddy of mine.
I'd say who it is, but out of respect for his privacy, I'm not going to.
- Well, we would never ask - It's Andy Cohen.
[CHUCKLES] Stop looking for a pore.
You're not gonna find one.
You're like a dolphin.
Hey, would you like to go out sometime? - Absolutely.
- Great.
Call me.
What's your number? My number is, I'm McCoy Whitman.
Your smart friend can figure it out.
You're a genius.
"Del-ubitably.
" [UPBEAT MUSIC] Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry.
It's not just about the money.
It's about how after everything Stan's put me through, he wins.
Well, he shouldn't.
He had affairs too.
I know, but without photographic evidence, I can't prove it, and what kind of depraved, disgusting woman is gonna keep photographs of herself basically making love to a manatee in sock garters? And that's called a "Stuffed Knish.
" Happy Bar Mitzvah, Reuben.
Today, you are a man.
Lorraine Finster, or as the boys in London call the space between her legs, "The British Open.
" [UPBEAT MUSIC] Stay for dinner? I couldn't possibly.
Well, if you insist.
You can't.
I'm cooking for McCoy Whitman.
Wow, for once I'm saying that, and it's actually true.
What do you serve the most trusted man in news? And then it hit me beef bourguignon.
What are you doing? Cooking food only smart people can pronounce in your fancy apartment with books full of words in them? He's gonna think you're you.
Is that what you want, 'cause it tain't what he wants.
Oh, right.
I'm not supposed to be smart.
- What do I do? - Okay, okay.
I'm your wingman, all right? Let me just take care of this.
Let me see.
Wingman, sing man, ding man, bing-bang-bongman I got it.
He already thinks I'm a smarty, okay? I'll say this is my apartment and that I cooked the meal, and you sometimes use this place.
He'll see me put the finishing touches on the meal Browning the shallots in butter and garlic and adding it in.
If that's a thing, sure.
And then I'll serve it, and I'll leave.
Okay, but what about me? How am I supposed to be this person he thinks I am? All you have to do is act.
Think of someone fun and frivolous, maybe a little bit dim, and become that person.
You know anybody like that? Yes, yes, I do.
Okay, anybody I know? Clearly not.
Okay, you know you're making a really ugly face right now.
[MELLOW MUSIC] ["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING] Hello, my name is Reuben, and today, I'm a bar mitzvah.
Can I have a private dance in the champagne room? How dare you.
I am a lady of quality.
I have a $180 savings bond.
Well, Reuben, you should've opened with that.
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING] Hi, Lorraine.
I don't know if you remember me.
- I'm - You're Patty.
You live with that gay guy, Bill.
That's us.
I will get right down to it.
You wouldn't happen to have photos of you and Stanley Walker in, say, compromising situations? Do I ever, but look, if you wanna stay here at Suckingham Palace, you're gonna have to pay, unless you're a member of the royal family.
House Rules.
Oh, okay.
What are you doing? I gave you five.
I'm making change.
Get off.
Okay, fine.
Look, is there any way possible that I could get a copy of those photos? Oooh, Patty's a nasty little piggy, isn't she? Wait a minute.
You're a friend of Karen Walker's.
Ooh, she wants those pictures for her divorce.
You tell her, no bloody way.
Okay, you do not like Karen, but isn't this really about women looking out for other women? Bite me, Patty.
You go on and on about women's power, and all the time, you're just looking down your fake nose at me.
Okay, first of all, I don't have a fake nose.
All right, Doug, I'm taking me break.
- No breaks! - I'm union now! Lorraine, look, I'm not looking down on you.
- Prove it.
- How? Take over for me.
You do a decent pole, I'll give you the photos.
What, me? Strip? I-I say with no judgment.
I'm not really a dancer.
I'm I'm I'm more of a singer.
[SIGHS] Ballads, mostly [CHUCKLES] [OPERATIC VOICE] Ave Mari Do you want the photos? I do.
I do.
It's just, my back is bad.
Your front's not so great either, but it's good enough for a Tuesday night.
Come on.
- [KNOCKING] - [CORK POPS] - Hello.
- Hi.
What's going on? Why are you here? Where's Will? Ooh, hard-hitting questions.
Did Will not tell you the date was at my apartment? Classic Will.
Not much going on in the old brain department, but he's my friend, so I look after him.
He lives next door.
Wine? Please.
It's a nice place.
What do you do? I'm a lawyer.
Well, I was a lawyer.
Now I'm a person who teaches people who want to be lawyers.
You mean a law professor? I mean what I said.
I'd better check on the beef bourgnonnonnon.
So, have you and Will ever dated? Oh, God, no, no, no.
He's way too much of a lightweight for me.
There is no such thing.
In my line of work, I'm fed a steady diet of sophisticates.
I need to come home to intellectual applesauce.
Who's easy on the eyes and heard everywhere else? Perfect.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] [SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING] [MEN BOOING] - Hey! Hey, hey, hey! This is what a real woman looks like! Hello, Lorraine.
You're looking That's all I got.
Last roll.
Would you like to share? I always like to "Cher.
" [IMITATES CHER] Whoaaa.
- You do not disappoint.
- [CHUCKLES] You know, I hate to drop names, but Cher and I have homes right next to each other in Brazil.
Gisele Bundchen Brady, I love Brazil! I love their wax.
I love their nuts.
I love the way they wax their nuts.
You know, I just realized.
I never asked what you do for a living, or is your job just being cute? Being cute's my side hustle.
But my dream is to bring back my one-man show, "Watch Will.
" [DISHES CLATTERING] [CHUCKLES] Don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back with sports, weather, and 2% body fat.
Yeah, news jokes are kinda my thing.
[BOTH LAUGH] - You've been imitating me.
- Jack, I'm sorry.
I told you to think of someone fun, frivolous, and dim, and you picked me.
Well, I'm working so hard to land this guy.
- I didn't intend - No, just stop.
[SIGHS] I have never in my 34 years Been so deeply, deeply - flattered.
- I'm so What did you say? You could've chosen anybody to be that hottie's ultimate boy toy, and you picked me, and that means so much.
I was afraid you'd be offended.
Offended, question mark? I am engaged, exclam, exclam.
Estefan and I are completely monogam-ish.
I don't get to have these kind of fun flings anymore.
I desperately need you to go back and tag that buck while being me.
Oh, so that way, you can have sex with him vicariously.
I don't know that word.
- Vicarious - And neither do you.
Right, right [LAUGHS] It's hard to keep track of what I don't know.
It's pretty much everything, yeah.
Look, now, we need you, who's really me, to come up with a good reason to get rid of me, who's really you.
- Huh.
- Okay, let's see.
Let's see.
Reason.
Reason, beason Kleeson, tweezin BOTH: Sneezin'! Yes, when I think it's time for you to go, I'll signal you by sneezing.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm gonna have sex with McCoy Whitman through you.
Later, when we tell this story, let's use different words.
Look, Lorraine.
I know you're just an old, jaded, withered slag.
Go on.
But I'd like to appeal to the young withered slag within.
Can't you just give me the photos of you having sex with my ex-husband? Well, I'm gonna tell you what I told Maggie.
Yes, I've always known her real name.
I'm not gonna do it 'cause you think you're better than me.
You ain't never getting your hands on my phone.
All right, you win.
But I had to try.
But there's something you should know, Lorraine.
I don't think I'm better than you.
I think we're exactly the same.
Neither of us had it easy and we were both screwed and screwed over by the same man.
Yeah, I mean, thanks to him, I'm back here doing this again.
- Also, I love it.
- Yeah.
But he abandoned us both, so yeah.
I think we're the same.
Yeah, well, thanks for that.
[CHUCKLES] As a matter of fact, I wanted to say goodbye in a language that I think you'll understand, one that will show you the dignity that you deserve.
May I give you a lap dance? [SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING] Oww! Ow.
Ow.
Ow, ow.
[THUNKS] Let me give you some advice, kid.
I mean, sure, you've shattered the glass ceiling of middle-aged strippers, but you could have such a better life than that.
Do you really believe that? I think that strong women can do anything.
We're so much more than our golden hooches.
Aww, thanks, Mummy.
Thanks for that.
Good-bye, Lorraine.
[ROUSING MARCH SONG PLAYING] That's my ringto [GASPS] The old "suck up the phone during a lap dance" trick.
I can't believe I fell for that! - Good-bye, kid.
- Lorraine! - Back on stage! - Piss off, Doug! I'm having a tender moment with me mother! Thanks, Mummy.
Take that fat bastard for everything he's got.
Oh, you know I will, honey.
[MELLOW MUSIC] That meal was sublime.
[CHUCKLES] I don't know what that word means.
Jack, how would you define "sublime" in a way that Will would understand? Oh [LAUGHS] I don't wanna get in the middle of your date.
I hope we're not inconveniencing you by being here, Jack.
Oh, don't worry about Jack [SNEEZES] - Bless you.
- [SNEEZES] Bless you.
- Ah-choo.
- [GASPS] Oh, oh! Yes, oh, uh, well, you guys could probably use some privacy.
I'm just gonna head home.
Yeah.
Isn't this your home? I meant my hag's home, yeah.
I have a hag.
We spend a little too much time together.
It's sad.
[PHONE RINGING] - Oh.
Excuse me.
Hello? Uh-huh.
No, I understand.
Don't worry.
I'll say you're an unnamed source.
Protecting your identity is as important to me as it is to you.
You're welcome.
That was Kellyanne Conway.
Hey, Jack, before you go, can I pick your brain for a minute? Of course.
I mean, of course.
Uh, Jack Jack really has to go.
This'll only take a moment.
Oh, here, babe.
Play with this.
You've got a law degree.
I have several, yes.
If I had anymore degrees, I'd be a thermometer.
Okay.
Of course, you're aware of what's happening in Venezuela? - I am? - [MOUTHS] I am.
And while it's a multi-national situation, the financial institutions involved are primarily Americans.
So, would the pertinent statutes be drawn from international law? American law? Jude Law.
J.
Law.
Coleslaw.
I hope I answered your question.
- What? - What? Okay, okay.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
You're not a law professor, are you? [SOFTLY] What? I am so offended right now.
I'm gonna march right out of here and let you two have sex in my apartment.
[CLICKS TONGUE] This is your apartment, isn't it? Yep.
Yeah, I live here.
I teach law.
I can explain Brexit perfectly.
Mm.
So, you're the smart one, and you're the idiot.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Wait, no, you're not.
Jack's not an idiot.
As a matter of fact, he's the one that came up with this whole plan.
Maybe not the best example.
Jack knows more about people than anyone I know.
He sure read you right away.
Yeah, speaking of which, you know, there's something not great about someone who can't date their intellectual equal.
You pretended to be someone else all night just to have sex with me.
Yeah, and I didn't feel good about it.
Sorry, Will.
I like what I like.
- Jack, are you seeing anyone? - Engaged.
Why are all the good ones either smart, taken, or Anderson Cooper? He's a dear friend.
We share a locker at Equinox.
I can bench press more than he can.
You're you're kinda insecure, aren't you? That's why I don't date smart guys.
William Elizabeth Truman You put our friendship above having a one-night stand with a hot guy who's on TV every night.
Yeah, I guess I did.
You dumb bitch.
I was this close to having him in the palm of your hand.
- I can't even look at you.
- [DOOR CLICKS] Thanks for not letting him call me an idiot.
You're not.
And you're welcome, buddy.
You need to get your door fixed.